Dennis Miller Live (1994–2002)

Dennis Miller: Self - Host

Photos 

161 more photos

Quotes 

• [repeated line] 

  Dennis Miller : Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here...

• Dennis Miller : If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

• Dennis Miller : Al D'Amato is a waste of an apostraphe.

• Dennis Miller : [to Dr. Jocelyn Elders]  How ironic that masturbation was the topic that caused you to get fired from Washington by a bunch of jagoffs.

• Dennis Miller : [on Jocelyn Elders' comment about teaching masturbation in high school]  Masturbation needs to be taught in high school like holding your breath needs to be taught in diving class.

• Dennis Miller : [first lines after his first Monday Night Football gig]  Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckety-fuck, fuck, *fuck*! It's so good to be home.

• Dennis Miller : Amtrak announced this week that they plan to install cable TV into their sleeper births. Great. So now you can watch your derailment live on CNN.

• Dennis Miller : William Kelly, the founder of the Kelly Girl temp service, has died this week. His last words were, "Hey, could somebody please sign my time card?"

• Dennis Miller : Cheez Whiz is not something you eat, it's something you consult a urologist over.

  [after the crowd's reaction] 

  Dennis Miller : You'll never eat it again, will you?

• Dennis Miller : [on a picture of a guy on a motorcycle with a cat riding on top of his helmet]  Alright we got three on this one;

  [as the cat] 

  Dennis Miller : "Hey man, pull over, I gotta use the sandbox." Or, "Burt Reynolds got a new hairpiece this week." Or, "HELMETS are for PUSSIES!"

• Dennis Miller : [his caption for a picture of George W. Bush speaking, while then-Michigan governor John Engler is looking down with his hands about 3 inches from each other, apparently caught in the act of clapping]  While George W. Bush is speaking in Michigan about the economy, governor John Engler shows his assistant how much bacon he wants on his BLT.

• Dennis Miller : [repeated line from 1994-1996 seasons]  Alright. Who fed it and who ate it this week?

• Dennis Miller : [repeated line from the 1997 season on]  Alright, what's new in the world this week?

• Dennis Miller : Gingrich also told reporters this week that he likes to attend movies as often as he can. When asked what films he's seen lately, the Speaker said Little Bitches. I mean Little Women.

  [audience jeers] 

  Dennis Miller : You know he said it.

• Dennis Miller : Bjork: The other crazy meat.

• [repeated line] 

  Dennis Miller : Of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

• [last lines of every show] 

  Dennis Miller : Guess what, folks? That's the news, and I am out of here.

• Dennis Miller : They say life begins at 40. Yeah, if you're the fuckin' Highlander.