Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love (1994 TV Movie)
Robert Carradine: Lewis Skolnick
Photos
Quotes
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[Lewis stops Trevor from mooning people]
Lewis Skolnick : Trevor, it isn't nice to moon.
Trevor Gulf : Oh, it isn't?
Lewis Skolnick : No, it isn't.
Trevor Gulf : Mr. Ogre mooned.
Lewis Skolnick : Well, you see Trevor, Mr. Ogre is a converted nerd, ok? He used to be a jock so he's still a little rough around the edges.
Trevor Gulf : Jacques, is he from France?
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Lewis Skolnick : Stan, you are such a nerd!
Stan Gable : I sure am!
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Betty Skolnick : Lewis, I don't want you to go now, it's after 3 in the morning.
Lewis Skolnick : If my wife and my unborn fetal son want pickles and ice cream, I don't care what time it is.
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Lewis Skolnick : It's not that bad.
Dudley Dawson : Not that bad? Lewis, we just had a food fight. People don't have... food fights, at their... BRIDAL SHOWERS! But I did! Some nova riche guy, looked like he could've been a banker, is standing over me, shoving handfuls of garnish up my NOSTRILS!
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Mr. Skolnick : How's my unborn grandson?
Lewis Skolnick : You mean you're unborn fetal son?
[laughs]
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Dudley Dawson : I'd like to thank you all for this wonderful shower.
Lewis Skolnick : It's probably the first shower you've ever had.
Mr. Dawson : No, he showered regularly, every other night in summer, and weekly in the winter.
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Betty Skolnick : Lewis, there were women at the party last night, weren't there?
Lewis Skolnick : Yeah.
Betty Skolnick : Were they pretty?
Lewis Skolnick : Yeah.
Betty Skolnick : What did you do with them?
Lewis Skolnick : The bunny hop.
Betty Skolnick : That's it? Just the bunny hop?
Lewis Skolnick : Yeah.
Betty Skolnick : Okay, then you can still be my Valentine.
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Lewis Skolnick : Harold where're you going?
Lamar : I don't know but I'd guess over to Lois.
Takashi : Are you scoing, Harold?
Harold : Well I wouldn't tell you if I was. But I'll guarantee you this much, I ain't going over there for breakfast!
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Lewis Skolnick : You're not supposed to reveal what goes on at a bachelor party.
Ogre : Wild horses couldn't drag it out of me. Who can't we tell again?
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Betty Skolnick : Hey. What's Trevor Gulf doing?
Jeanie Humphrey : [startled] I-I think he's mooning us.
Lewis Skolnick : That's no moon, thats the San Joquin valley
[shouts, running at Trevor as people began to react off-screen]
Lewis Skolnick : TREVOR, NO!
Takashi : [takes photo of Trevor's mooning] Oh! Big Smile!
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Lewis Skolnick : Betty, don't push.
All : [chanting] Betty don't push, Betty don't push, Betty don't push, Betty don't push, hee hee hoo, hee hee hoo, hee hee hoo.
[Betty screams]
All : Betty don't scream! Betty don't scream, Betty don't scream.
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Jeanie Humphrey : It's on!
Lewis Skolnick , Betty Skolnick : What's on?
Jeanie Humphrey : The wedding!
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Lewis Skolnick : Hey, so Booger, how are things going with the in-laws?
Dudley Dawson : Well, things were going okay, until my mother-in-law passed out and cracked her head on the coffee table.
Lewis Skolnick , Betty Skolnick : Oh.
Dudley Dawson : I don't think my father-in-law likes me at all.
Lewis Skolnick , Betty Skolnick : Umm.
Dudley Dawson : He's one of those pretentious, hoity-toity nouveau riche types. He may be anti-nerd.
Lewis Skolnick : *gasp*
Betty Skolnick : Oh no.
Motel Manager : Hmm.
Betty Skolnick : Why does this always have to poke its ugly head out?
Lewis Skolnick : Indeed. We need to nip this in the bud. Booger, I want you to know I take my job as best man very seriously, and I will take care of everything, including Jeannie's old man. Never fear, Skolnick's here.
Betty Skolnick : I love you, you big galoot.
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Motel Manager : Are you sure your best man knows where we are located?
Dudley Dawson : Oh, he'll find it, all right.
[looks at watch]
Dudley Dawson : As a matter of fact, he'll be here in exactly... 7 seconds... 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
[Lewis's semi approaches the motel where Booger is staying]
Dudley Dawson : Right on the button. Lewis!
Lewis Skolnick : Booger!
Dudley Dawson : Pull in here!
[Lewis honks his truck's horn, and stops his semi in the motel's parking lot]
Lewis Skolnick : [Lewis and Booger laugh and enjoy a celebratory embrace] Oh, Booger's wedding!
Dudley Dawson : Yeah!
Lewis Skolnick : [singsong] Booger's getting married!
Dudley Dawson : Oh, come on, stop it!
Lewis Skolnick : Hey, what do you think of the truck?
Dudley Dawson : Well, I would expect nothing else from the king of the nerds.
Lewis Skolnick : It's got everything.
Dudley Dawson : Where's Betty?
Lewis Skolnick : Oh, follow me.
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Lamar : [puts a name tag on Aaron] "Daddy".
Lewis Skolnick : Hi, Lewis Skolnick, best man.
Aaron Humphrey : [reluctantly shakes Lewis's hand] Figures.
Lewis Skolnick : Booger is just crazy about your daughter. He's gonna make a wonderful husband, and that's all that really matters.
Aaron Humphrey : Right.
Lewis Skolnick : You know, once you get to know Booger, you'll be very happy with what you see.
[Lewis sips his cocktail]
Aaron Humphrey : I'll be very happy when I get away from you.
[Lewis gives a loud nasal laugh]
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Trevor Gulf : Excuse me, Mr. Lewis, Mr. Booger; why is that buttocks squished up against the window like a pressed Devonshire ham?
Lewis Skolnick , Dudley Dawson : [Tippy shrieks and faints] Ogre!
Ogre : [Lewis opens the door to let Ogre in] Lewey!
Lewis Skolnick : Ogre! How are you?
Ogre : How ya doing?
Lewis Skolnick : Good.
Ogre : See it?
Lewis Skolnick : Yeah, I saw it.
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Dudley Dawson : Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to jump off the dock!
Ogre : Yeah!
[applause]
Chip : Hold it, everybody. I'd like to offer my toast...
Everybody : Yeah, yeah.
Dudley Dawson : ...to Booger's love child.
[suspenseful music]
Dudley Dawson : Love child? What are you talking about?
[suspenseful music continues]
Chip : I'm talking about the daughter you had 12 years ago, out of wedlock, with a young woman in Sandusky, Ohio.
Ogre : All right, Booger! Yeah, bud!
Aaron Humphrey : You have a child that my little girl doesn't know about? I am appalled Booger, appalled. And so is my wife, right, see?
Lois Humphrey : But...
Dudley Dawson : I don't know anything about this. I have no child in Sandusky, Ohio.
Chip : The hell you don't!
[everyone gasps]
Lewis Skolnick : This is a fairly specious charge. Where's your proof, Chip?
Dudley Dawson : Yeah, where's your proof, Chip?
Everybody : Yeah!
Chip : My proof is right here: I'd like you to meet Detective First Class, Chad Penrod. Detective Penrod, does Dudley Dawson, alias "Booger", have or have not a 12-year old child in Sandusky, Ohio?
Chad Penrod : [takes out his notepad] I checked the birth records in Sandusky and found... that on March 19, 1981, a certain Heidi Dawson was born to a Miss Cathleen Turtle... Turteltaub, and a Mr. Dudley Dawson.
Ogre : Cool.
Trevor Gulf : Wait! If the parents of the alleged love child were never married, why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?
Dudley Dawson : Exactly! Why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?
Lewis Skolnick : Yes!
Chad Penrod : Beats me.
Dudley Dawson : If the child were born to an unmarried mother, wouldn't the so-said mother have given the aforementioned daughter her last name?
Chad Penrod : Well, I do know this: The child's nickname is "Booger".
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Lamar : [Lewis has just separated a brawl between Lamar and Chip] I heard...
Lewis Skolnick : Word!
[Lewis glances at Chip]
Lewis Skolnick : I can't believe what got into you two, this is supposed to be a happy occasion!
[turns to Lamar]
Lewis Skolnick : I'm especially surprised at you, Lamar! Now what was going on?
Lamar : Well, Chip was crackin' on Booger's parents.
Dudley Dawson : Crackin' on my parents? What kind of cracks, Chip?
Lewis Skolnick : Booger.
Unknown : Yeah, what kind?
Lewis Skolnick : Booger, as your best man, I strongly advise you to just let it go
Dudley Dawson : I'm not going to let it go.
Lewis Skolnick : On the other hand, I'm prepared to explore other avenues with you as well.
Dudley Dawson : What kind of cracks, Chip?
Chip : Uhh-uhh...
Lamar : Chip said that your mama was so ugly, the Elephant Man paid to see her.
[Ogre laughs loudly]
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Takashi : Hey everybody, everybody! Booger's parents are here! Mr. and Mrs. Booger, Mr. and Mrs. Booger!
[applause]
Dudley Dawson : Mom? Dad!
Chip : They look like they just fell off a pickle truck.
Gaylord : [slaps Chip] Chip!
Chip : Ow!
Dudley Dawson : Folks, everybody, excuse me, these are my parents.
Everybody : Oh!
Betty Skolnick : We're so glad that you're here, Mr. and Mrs. Dawson.
[applause]
Dudley Dawson : I am flabbergasted. We would both like to thank all of you from the bottom of our hearts for this... wonderful shower you're throwing us.
Lewis Skolnick : It's probably the first shower he's ever had.
[guffaws]
Mr. Dawson : No, he showered regularly: every other night in the summer, and weekly in the winter.
[more guffaws]
Dudley Dawson : Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to jump off the dock!
Ogre : Yeah!
[applause]
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Lewis Skolnick : So you might have a daughter in Sandusky, Ohio, huh?
Dudley Dawson : [sighs] I don't know, it's certainly possible. God knows my seed is as strong as an Alaskan salmon, and I partied pretty hard in the early '80s.
Lewis Skolnick : In Sandusky?
Dudley Dawson : Apart from Akron, I probably spent more time in Sandusky than any place on Earth. Damnit! Everything was going so great, now it's ruined.
Lewis Skolnick : Oh Booger, your wedding isn't ruined.
Dudley Dawson : What are you talking about? We just had a food fight; people... don't have... food fights at their *bridal showers*! But I did! Some nouveau-riche guy, looked like he could have been a banker, is mashing handfuls of garnish up my nostrils.
Lewis Skolnick : [sighs] I know things look bleak, but they've been bleak before: Do you remember at Adams College? We were exiled from the dorms and forced to live in the gymnasium. Do you remember in Fort Lauderdale, when we were persecuted into subjugation and incarcerated? How about when Orrin Price... framed me... for... embezzling Adams College computer research funds? We may have been subjected to the yoke of nerd oppression before, but we're not going to be subjected to it again!
[flings aside a glass beer mug]
Lewis Skolnick : This wedding is not over, the son of a gun has just begun! Come on, pal.
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Lewis Skolnick : Okay, all right, anybody who feels that Booger could have had an illegitimate child in Sandusky, Ohio, raise your right hands.
[Most of the Tri-Lambdas raise their hands at first, followed by Ogre and Betty]
Lewis Skolnick : Opposed?
Betty Skolnick : You don't think it's possible?
Lewis Skolnick : No, I do not; Booger may be Booger, but he always took precautions.
Lamar : That is right, he always did wear condoms.
Takashi : Ohh, condoms!
Lamar : Mm-hmm.
Trevor Gulf : So, he couldn't have a child.
Lewis Skolnick : No way.
-
Lewis Skolnick : Now what was going on?
Lamar : Well, Chip was crackin' on Booger's parents.
Dudley Dawson : Crackin' on my parents?
[pause]
Dudley Dawson : What kind of cracks, Chip?
Lewis Skolnick : [apprehensively] Booger.
Unknown : Yeah, what kind?
Lewis Skolnick : Booger, as your best man, I strongly advise you to just let it go.
Dudley Dawson : I'm not going to let it go.
Lewis Skolnick : On the other hand, I'm prepared to explore other avenues with you as well.
Dudley Dawson : What kind of cracks, Chip?
[Chip stammers nervously]
Lamar : Chip said that your mama was so ugly, that the Elephant Man paid to see her.
[Ogre laughs out loud, then silences himself]
Chip : The point is, you have a 12-year old daughter in Sandusky, Ohio!
Dudley Dawson : This has nothing to do with my having a child in Sandusky, Ohio. That isn't what this is about at all.
[pause]
Dudley Dawson : This is because I'm a nerd...
[the crowd gasps]
Dudley Dawson : and it has been since the beginning.
Lamar : Mm-hmm.
Dudley Dawson : Why else would someone rummage through my private life with a detective? And then, announce this... detestable fabrication, this - this tissue of lies on the happiest day of my life?
Jeanie Humphrey : Oh, Booger.
Dudley Dawson : Hath not a nerd eyes? When you prick us, do we not bleed? I am tired of the reckless allegations, the snide snickering, the talking behind backs, the sly innuendoes, the looking down on us! We are what we are, aren't we?
Everybody : Yeah, we are!
Dudley Dawson : And we're proud of what we are.
Everybody : Yeah, we are!
Dudley Dawson : And we are not about to allow ourselves to be intimidated by a bunch of...
Lewis Skolnick : Booger! Don't say it!
Ogre : Say it, Booger!
Dudley Dawson : Nouveau-riche pigs!
Ogre : There you go!
Aaron Humphrey : You have... the audacity... to utter... the most... morally reprehensible slur to these... fine, upstanding... self-made businesspeople! Shame on you, Booger! Shame on all of you nerds.
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Dudley Dawson : A bumper pool tournament, what an original idea for a bachelor party!
Lewis Skolnick : I knew that you would love it, Booger.
Mr. Dawson : Is there gonna be a girlie show?
Lewis Skolnick : Mr. Dawson, that would be sexist.
Dudley Dawson : Yeah, we believe it's possible to be entertained without demeaning women.
Mr. Dawson : That's nice, but personally, I'd prefer a little skin.
Chip : Hey fellas, I got winners.
[chuckles]
Dudley Dawson : He's got a lot of nerve showing his face around here.
Mr. Dawson : Temper, temper.
Lewis Skolnick : Don't worry about it, Booger, we got him under 24 hour surveillance. There's nothing he can do that we don't know about.
[Lewis and Trevor wink at each other, followed by Lewis and Booger guffawing together]
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Takashi : Oh boy, that was one heck of a stag party last night, Lewis.
Mr. Dawson : I know I'll never forget it.
Trevor Gulf : I especially enjoyed your dance with the woman who removed her clothes, Mr. Booger.
Lewis Skolnick : Trevor, there's a code of silence about what goes on at a stag party.
Trevor Gulf : Code of silence?
Lewis Skolnick : So reveal nothing, even if you're under hours of interrogation and torture.
Ogre : Wild horses couldn't drag it out of me.
[chuckles]
Ogre : Uh, who aren't I supposed to tell?
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Lewis Skolnick : Booger, every wedding has its crisis, this is yours.
Dudley Dawson : A crisis would be easy compared to this.
[looks up to the balcony]
Dudley Dawson : Jeanie!
Jeanie Humphrey : [sadly] Oh, Booger.
Lewis Skolnick : [Jeanie goes back into her bedroom] Booger, the groom never stops pursuing his bride.
[Lewis puts his arm around Betty]
Lewis Skolnick : Never.
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Jeanie Humphrey : [uses the pond scooper as a pole vault, and grunts as he climbs Jeanie's balcony rail] Booger.
Dudley Dawson : Darling! Whoa!
[Booger stumbles over the balcony rail]
Dudley Dawson : So what if I have a child?
Jeanie Humphrey : I'm so confused, you know, I don't know what to think anymore!
Dudley Dawson : Oh, marry me, Jeanie!
Jeanie Humphrey : I- I just need a few days to think about it.
Dudley Dawson : And not get married on Valentine's Day?
Jeanie Humphrey : I'm confused, Booger, I need time!
Dudley Dawson : There was a time when getting married on Valentine's Day was... the most important thing in the world to us.
Jeanie Humphrey : [sighs] Please go, Booger.
Dudley Dawson : Is that what you really want?
Jeanie Humphrey : [fighting back the tears] No,not in my heart and... not in my soul, but I'm just so nuts over this, you know. It's like I just need a little space... Please, Booger?
Dudley Dawson : [Booger gives a rose to Jeanie, starts to sing softly] Jean, Jean / The roses are red /
Jeanie Humphrey : [starts singing] All the leaves have gone green /
Dudley Dawson : And the skies are so low /
Jeanie Humphrey : You can touch them / And so /
Dudley Dawson , Jeanie Humphrey : Come into my arms / Bonnie Jean.
[Booger and Jeanie briefly embrace, falling back onto the bed, giggling]
Jeanie Humphrey : [goes to the balcony] It's on!
Lewis Skolnick , Betty Skolnick : What's on?
Jeanie Humphrey : The wedding! Whoo-hoo!
[Jeanie tosses a rose down from the balcony]
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Dudley Dawson : Lewis.
Lewis Skolnick : Booger.
Dudley Dawson : I'm gonna marry Cathleen Turteltaub.
Lewis Skolnick : Who's Cathleen Turteltaub?
Dudley Dawson : Heidi's mother.
[Booger sips the drink he just poured]
Lewis Skolnick : But you don't even know Cathleen Turteltaub.
Dudley Dawson : I know, but it's the right thing to do.
Lewis Skolnick : [Booger and Lewis sit down, sipping their drinks] This really isn't about Cathleen Turteltaub, is it?
Dudley Dawson : No, it isn't.
Lewis Skolnick : This is about your zapatos becoming muy frio, no?
Dudley Dawson : Lewis.
Lewis Skolnick : Booger?
Dudley Dawson : I didn't go through with it with the stripper last night.
Lewis Skolnick : Oh yeah, we know.
Dudley Dawson : How do you know?
Lewis Skolnick : Well, we kind of figured it out when we edited the videotape to ruin Chip's life.
Dudley Dawson : Here I was, passing up this... mound of perfect... I, who have never passed up anything in my life. What is the matter with me, Lewis? Where has the Booger I have known and loved... gone?
Lewis Skolnick : [clock chimes] You ready?
Dudley Dawson : Let's do it.
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Lewis Skolnick : [Mr. Skolnick's car pulls into the driveway] Dad!
Dudley Dawson : U.N.!
Mr. Skolnick : [Mr. Skolnick and U.N. get out of the car] Hey, how are you?
U. N. Jefferson : [Lewis hugs his dad, U.N. shakes hands with Booger] Congratulations, Booger, congratulations!
Dudley Dawson : Thank you.
U. N. Jefferson : I wouldn't miss a nerd wedding for the world.
U. N. Jefferson : [greets Lewis, Mr. Skolnick greets Booger] How are you?
Mr. Skolnick : How's my unborn grandson?
Lewis Skolnick : You mean your unborn fetal son?
[Lewis and his dad guffaw together]
Takashi : Emergency! Excuse please, the bishop has a kidney stone, he no make it to wedding!
Dudley Dawson : What? How am I supposed to get married without a clergyman?
Mr. Skolnick : I can marry you.
Dudley Dawson : But I don't love you.
Mr. Skolnick : Oh- No, no, I took a correspondence course, I'm a fully ordained Tilhoonian minister.
U. N. Jefferson : You are?
Mr. Skolnick : U.N.
[Takashi, Booger, Lewis and his dad all guffaw together, while U.N. Jefferson stands quietly surprised, not getting the pun]
-
Dudley Dawson : Heidi, where are you going?
Heidi 'Booger' Dawson : I shouldn't be here.
Dudley Dawson : Of course, you should be here.
Heidi 'Booger' Dawson : I'm not really your daughter; Chip got me from an orphanage.
Dudley Dawson : [suspiciously] Chip... got you in an orphanage?
Aaron Humphrey : [Chip scoffs] You, uh... rented an orphan?
Chip : Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
[starts crying pathetically]
Chip : I've been under a lot of stress lately; I'm sorry.
Gaylord : [Aaron starts strangling Chip, rejecting his incompetent apology; Gaylord stops Aaron for a moment] Daddy, don't!
Everybody : [Gaylord slaps Chip, then kicks him in the groin with the wedding guests in the background chanting as Betty screams] Betty, don't push!
Aaron Humphrey : [to Chip] Get off our land!
Gaylord : [Chip cringes and starts to run away] Aren't you forgetting something: the keys to the BMW?
Aaron Humphrey : Cough 'em up!
Lewis Skolnick : [with a stethoscope between his teeth] Okay, honey!
Chip : [Chip tosses the keys back to Aaron] You nerds did this to me! But I'll get you... if it's the last thing I do!
Gaylord : [Chip stumbles over a standing vase as he leaves the estate] Bye, Chip!
Chip : Hmph!
Gaylord : My next husband's going to be a nerd.
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Aaron Humphrey : I, uh... I would like to make an announcement.
[Betty screams while undergoing labor for her soon-to-be born child]
Aaron Humphrey : I have, uh... been a jerk for this whole wedding.
U. N. Jefferson : You certainly have.
Aaron Humphrey : Well, I've - I've never been around a nerd before, and I guess, uh... well, I guess I judged a book by its cover.
[Betty groans while going through labor]
Aaron Humphrey : Booger, I know you and my Jeanie are going to be very happy together, because you know what you are, and you're proud of it.
Aaron Humphrey : Well, I'm, uh... sick of trying to be something I'm not.
Lewis Skolnick : [attending to Betty] Come on, push honey, push, push!
Aaron Humphrey : Tippy.
[Tippy stands next to Aaron, who puts his arm on her shoulder]
Aaron Humphrey : I, I... I am nouveau riche, and I'm proud of it!
Aaron Humphrey : [the wedding guests applaud] Mylan, if who I am isn't good enough for the Republican party of this state, then to hell with the nomination! And that is the truth!
-
Betty Skolnick : [Betty has just given birth to her baby, and she cries tears of joy] Oh, oh, it's so beautiful.
Lewis Skolnick : [holds his newborn baby] Our son is born. Kunta Skolnick!
Mr. Skolnick : [holds his grandson for all to see] Behold, the nerd child.
