Four Rooms (1995)
Paul Calderon: Norman (segment "The Man from Hollywood")
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Quotes
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[Leo is timing Chester for the 60 seconds he has to explain to Ted about the whole situation]
Leo : Begin.
Chester : Okay, Ted, pay attention here. I'm going to make two piles on the bar. One pile which is yours. And another pile which *could* be yours. And what you have to realize is we're gonna do this thing one way... or the other. Whether it's *you* who holds the axe or a Mexican maid or some bum we yank off the street.
Norman : [about the money on the bar] You could buy a whole lot of soup with that pile.
Chester : Shh! I'm the closer here. All right, I'm a little me - um, I've lost count. How much is on the bar here?
Group : Six hundred.
Chester : Okay, Ted, do you know how long it takes the average American to count to 600?
Ted the Bellhop : [Thinks for a bit]
Angela : It's a rhetorical question, Ted.
Ted the Bellhop : No, sir.
Chester : About one minute less than it takes to count to 700. Now Ted, a person's life is filled with a zillion little experiences. Some which are insignificant, have no meaning, and, you know, you forget them. Others which you remember for the rest of your natural life. Now, since what we're proposing here is so unusual, so outside the norm, this is a good bet that is going to be one of those incidents that sticks. So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this for the rest of your life, you have to decide what that memory will be. So, Ted, are you going to remember for the next 40 years, give or take a decade, that you *refused* a $1000 for one second's worth of work? Or that you *made* $1000 for one second's worth of work?
Leo : Time!
Chester : So, Ted, what's it gonna be?
Ted the Bellhop : Okay.
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Ted the Bellhop : A block of wood.
Chester : [raps it with his knuckles] Continue.
Ted the Bellhop : Three nails.
Norman : Why three nails?
Chester : That's how many Peter Lorre asked for. Continue, Ted.
Ted the Bellhop : A ball of twine.
Chester : Well, that is definitely a ball of twine. Continue.
Ted the Bellhop : A bucket - of ice.
Chester : You into it?
Norman : I'm into it!
Chester : All right, go on!
Ted the Bellhop : A donut.
Chester : That's for me.
[eats it]
Chester : Continue.
Ted the Bellhop : A club sandwich.
Angela : That is mine.
Ted the Bellhop : And - a hatchet.
Chester : "A hatchet as sharp as the Devil himself" is what I asked for.
Ted the Bellhop : Well, sir, Chester, you be the judge.
Norman : No, no, no, no. I'll be the judge.
[tests it with his finger]
Ted the Bellhop : Careful, sir.
Chester : What do you think?
Norman : It's a sharp motherfucker. All right, forget the nails and the twine and bring all this other bullshit over to the bar. Come on. Let's go! Pronto, man.
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[Leo is on the phone with his wife]
Leo : Yes, it's my job. Yes, it's my fucking job, you know that. He wanted to stay out late. I can't fucking - I went to the Monkey Bar, all right? Don't yell at me - I'm not yelling. I'm not yelling. You're the one that's fucking yelling! Fuck! Don't hang up on me! Ellen, please don't hang up on me. Please don't hang up on me. Goddamn it, I swear to fucking God, if you hang up on me, that fuckin' call better be genuine, 'cause I'm gonna get a fuckin' divorce!
Norman : Yo, Leo?
Leo : [shouts] Fuck!
Chester : Another fucking "Honeymooners" going on in there.
[Leo tosses throws down his cellphone and begins throwing things around in a violent tantrum]
Leo : Fuckin' shit, man! Man, what the fuck is wrong with this fuckin' bitch, man? I'm gonna take the fuckin' car, I'm gonna drive up to fuckin' Mulholland, I am gonna fuckin' drag her fuckin' ass and throw it down Benedict fuckin' Canyon, man!
Norman : You still married, man?
Leo : Yeah. I don't fuckin' know any more, I swear to Christ, Norman. I fuckin' swear to God. What the fuck is wrong? I treat this fuckin' bitch like a queen, you know that, man!
Chester : I know that.
Leo : So I had a little fuckin' too much to drink. It's fuckin' New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. I can't fuckin' drive home. Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry, I'm fuckin' sorry about that. What am I gonna do? Get in a fuckin' car and go run over six or seven fuckin' kids? That'd be really fuckin' nice! Man, what the fuck is the matter with this bitch? FUCK!
[Leo suddenly notices all of the items sitting at the bar]
Leo : What the fuck is all this?
Ted the Bellhop : Block of wood, bucket of ice and a hatchet, sir.
Leo : Get the fuck outta here. Chester, talk to me. Norman?
Chester : We now return you to "The Man From Rio" already in progress.
Leo : Oh, my fucking dick is hard already. Tell me, Norman, you're gonna do this shit.
Norman : [laughs] I am gonna do it.
Leo : Oh, you are my fucking hero.
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Norman : I'm gonna tell ya what the fuck I'm talking about! I drive a motherfucking Honda that my sister sold me, ya hear what I'm saying? A little white motherfucking Honda Civic!
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Norman : Bellboy! Bellboy! Bellllllllboy.
Chester : Shut up! Shh-shh-shh-shh! You're makin' my friend Ted nervous. Chill out, man. Chill out, dude. Pay no attention to Norman here. He's just - that's from "Quadrophenia" - he's just fuckin' with you. Now me, personally, when I think of bellboy, I think of "The Bellboy" with Jerry Lewis. Did you ever see that film, Ted?
Ted the Bellhop : Ummm. No, sir.
Chester : Oh, you should, man. It's one of Jerry's better movies. He doesn't say a word through the entire film. It's a completely silent performance. You know, now how many actors can pull that off? And I gotta tell you, that guy, he's gotta go to *France* to get respect. That says it all about America right there. You know, just that one little sentence says it all about America right there. The *minute* Jerry Lewis dies, every newspaper in this *fuckin'* country is gonna be writin' articles callin' the man a genius. You know, it's not right. It's not right and it's not fuckin' fair! But why should that surprise anybody? When the hell has America, you know, ever been fair? We might be right every once in awhile, but we're - very - rarely - fair.
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Ted the Bellhop : You guys wouldn't be doing something this stupid unless you were really fucking drunk.
Leo : We already told you we were drunk, Ted.
Norman : That goes without motherfucking saying. 'Cause if we wasn't drunk, we'd probably chicken out.
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Norman : Are you listenin' to me? Are you? Goddamn shit! Are you listening to me? Now you take a good long look at that there machine that this motherfucker over here's standin' next to. That's a 1964 nigger-red, ragtop Chevy Chevelle. And I love that car more than I love hips, lips or fingertips.
