Grumpier Old Men (1995)
Walter Matthau: Max Goldman
Photos
Quotes
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John Gustafson : Here, drop anchor.
Max Goldman : You cut the anchor, you dumbass.
John Gustafson : All right, then grab the net!
Max Goldman : You cut that too, you dickhead!
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[after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night]
John Gustafson : I'm cold.
Max Goldman : [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.
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Max Goldman : [singing] I just met a girl named Maria! And now I plainly see, she's not the bitch I thought she would be!
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Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Ox.
Max Goldman : Nag!
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Max Goldman : [to John after Maria dumps spaghetti sauce on them] Do you think we should ask her for some garlic bread?
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John Gustafson : This milk has chunks in it.
Max Goldman : What's your point?
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Max Goldman : [Maria kisses Max after they fall to the ground] Mama mia!
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Holy moly!
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Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : I haven't been with a man for a long time
Max Goldman : Me neither.
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[about talking to one's plants]
Max Goldman : I got a cactus in my bathroom, but we got nothing to say to each other.
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[after finally catching Catfish Hunter]
Max Goldman : If I die today, I die a happy man.
John Gustafson : You die today, I'm taking your motor.
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[John charges at Max in a boat]
Max Goldman : You don't have the balls to take me on any more. Ariel's got you neutered.
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Max Goldman : I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.
John Gustafson : He was always very fond of you, Max.
Max Goldman : He was a good man.
John Gustafson : The best.
Max Goldman : [beat] You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie the other day.
John Gustafson : Yeah. And you know how I really feel about Jacob.
Max Goldman : He's a good boy.
John Gustafson : Yeah.
Max Goldman : I just don't want him to be lonely. He deserves better.
John Gustafson : He deserves Melanie.
[pause]
Max Goldman : So what do you wanna do now?
John Gustafson : Wanna get drunk?
Max Goldman : Yeah.
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Max Goldman : You couldn't catch crabs from a $10 hooker.
John Gustafson : How is your sister, by the way?
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Max Goldman : I am the gangster of love
John Gustafson : Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?
Max Goldman : Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.
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Max Goldman : Eat my shorts.
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John Gustafson : I am going down and apologizing to Maria.
Max Goldman : You traitor, you Benedict Arnold.
John Gustafson : Yeah, yeah.
Max Goldman : Finally. I didn't think he would last that long.
[Grabs milk and smells it]
Max Goldman : Smells alright to me.
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John Gustafson : You won't even know I'm here.
Max Goldman : That's because you won't be here.
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Max Goldman : If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.
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Grandpa Gustafson : It's okay, I'm a doctor.
John Gustafson : Oh, sounds like Dad's using his free exam trick again.
Max Goldman : Well, you gotta stick with what works.
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John Gustafson : [Bloopers] Dear! Uh, what... what the hell is her name?
Max Goldman : Ariel?
John Gustafson : Ariel! She left me.
Max Goldman : You surprised? You don't even know her name.
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Max Goldman : Bait shop!
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Ristorante!
Max Goldman : Baita shoppe.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Ristorante!
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Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : She pressed the grapes herself back in Palermo. It's a rare vintage with a unique bouquet.
Max Goldman : Is that a nice way of saying that the wine smells like your mama's feet?
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Max Goldman : Night crawler's the king of all worms. They come out at night after the rain to lay out across the grass and breathe the night air.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Ah.
Max Goldman : This restaurant is sitting on top of one of the biggest and best worm beds in all of Wabasha county.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Ah, you can imagine my excitement.
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Jacob Goldman : Studying up on your Italian, are you? You thinking of wooing Maria?
Max Goldman : Nah, just gonna curse at her in her own language. That's all.
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Jacob Goldman : Hey, Pop, don't you think it's time you started dating again?
Max Goldman : Who with?
Jacob Goldman : Well, I happen to know Florence Gilbert, for example, down at the Rotary club, thinks you're quite a catch.
Max Goldman : She looks like Ernest Borgnine.
Jacob Goldman : Is that such a bad thing? What about Jane Clark?
Max Goldman : Jane of the Jungle. Got more body hair than I do. She's a fur-bearing mammal, for God's sake.
Jacob Goldman : Doris Sobrinski. Huh? I know she's a little heavy, but she loves to fish. You get her on the boat...
Max Goldman : Doris Sobrinski is dead.
Jacob Goldman : She is?
Max Goldman : She choked to death on a stack of pancakes two weeks ago at the Lions Club charity breakfast.
Jacob Goldman : Wow.
Max Goldman : I think it's how she would have wanted to go.
[opens a container of macaroni and cheese and starts eating]
Jacob Goldman : Pop?
Max Goldman : Yeah?
Jacob Goldman : Listen to me. You can't sit around waiting for another Ariel to walk into your life.
[Max just stares at him]
Jacob Goldman : Thanks for the Phillips.
[starts to walk away]
Max Goldman : Jacob!
Jacob Goldman : What?
Max Goldman : Remember when you were a kid, your mother baked that rhubarb pie for my birthday?
Jacob Goldman : She swelled up like a balloon. Broke out in hives. She didn't know she was allergic to rhubarb.
Max Goldman : Oh, she knew. She baked it anyway 'cause she knew it was my favorite.
Jacob Goldman : What made you think of that, Pop?
Max Goldman : I don't know. I think about things like that all the time.
Jacob Goldman : [concerned] Hey, Pop... are you all right?
Max Goldman : Will you get out of here and let me watch my program? And close the door when you go because I don't want those mosquitoes coming in here. They're crazy about my macaroni and cheese dish.
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Max Goldman : You're Spaghetti Ragetti's cousin!
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Yeah. Why so surprised?
Max Goldman : Holy moly. Well, I thought - I thought - I was expecting someone that *looked* like Rick.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : How's that?
Max Goldman : You know, fat, hairy, homely. But you're not so fat.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : You're a smooth talker, Mr. Goldman.
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Max Goldman : You're wasting your time, Miss Ragetti, I'm telling you. No - people are not going to come down here for I-talian when we got a Chuck E. Cheese right in town.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Listen, I don't know this Cheese person. But Ragetti's will be a romantic lakefront ristorante. It will be special, classy - somewhere you would never go.
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Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : [to Ariel] Do you think I had sex with your husband?
Max Goldman : Well, you sure weren't having sex with me.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Why should I have sex with you? You just said you hated me!
Max Goldman : [pointing to John] He said I hated you! I never said I hated you! Actually, I've grown quite fond of you!
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : So now I'm supposed to have sex with *you* instead of him!
Ariel Gustafson : Ah-ha! So you admit you slept with my husband! Huh! Huh!
John Gustafson : Nobody slept with anybody last night!
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Ah, finalmente.
Grandpa Gustafson : Speak for yourself!
[walks out with Mama Ragetti]
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Mama?
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Max Goldman : What would you say?
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Maybe.
Max Goldman : Maybe? What kind of an answer is "Maybe?"
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Maybe's maybe.
Max Goldman : Then maybe I'll stop by at 7:00 tonight.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Maybe I'll cook something nice for you in the kitchen.
Max Goldman : I'll see you then.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Maybe.
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Max Goldman : I went to Nate's Auto Body Shop. Had all the seats refinished. It's authentic imitation leather.
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Max Goldman : Asa-moo-nu-coo-coo-lu-lu.
John Gustafson : I think I liked you better before you were gettin' any.
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Max Goldman : You look nice.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Thank you.
Max Goldman : I, eh, I just want to say - what I'm trying to say is - there are many women floating in the river, but you're the only one I want to stuff and stick over on my wall over the fireplace.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Thank you so much.
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Jacob Goldman : [Max and Jacob are watching TV when the dog passes gas] UGH! What are you feeding this dog?
Max Goldman : Hormel Chili.
Jacob Goldman : [grimacing] Whoo!
Max Goldman : He likes it.
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Max Goldman : First it was Mae, then it was Ariel, and now it is Maria!
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Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : I'd rather kiss a dead moose's butt!
Max Goldman : So, I'll call you?
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Max Goldman : There's a rumor going around that Rick Ragetti's cousin's come down from St. Paul to buy Chuck's Bait.
John Gustafson : An Italian running Chuck's, huh?
Max Goldman : Yeah, we'll have the first mob-run bait shop in Wabasha.
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Max Goldman : We gotta find a way to put the kibosh on all this mess.
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Jacob Goldman : I think you got the hots for her.
Max Goldman : Not in a million years. She's just a pig-headed I-talian witch with piss and vinegar running through her veins.
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Max Goldman : I always knew you were on a short leash, but I didn't know you were on a choke collar.
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Max Goldman : [singing] Maria, I just met a girl named Maria, And suddenly I see, She's not the - bitch I thought she'd be...
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Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : I showed you mine, now you show me yours.
Max Goldman : Oh, I don't - oh, you mean the fish.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Oh, piccolo!
Max Goldman : It ain't the size that matters.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Are we still talking about your fish?
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Max Goldman : Then, it's off!
John Gustafson : Yes, it's off. Everything is off! The wedding is off and the friendship is off! And the gloves - are off.
Max Goldman : Let the games begin.
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John Gustafson : Hey, moron.
Max Goldman : Putz.
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John Gustafson : And don't forget, now, compliment her on how great she looks.
Max Goldman : Okay. I already got that covered.
John Gustafson : Let me hear it.
Max Goldman : Maria, there may be lots of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I would like to mount over my fireplace.
John Gustafson : That's not - bad.
Max Goldman : You noticed the sexual innuendo?
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Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : I've never seen wine that comes from a box before.
Max Goldman : It's pretty fancy, huh? Look, it's even got its own tap!
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Max Goldman : You know, Maria, that worms have both male and female sexual organs?
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : No, I didn't know that.
Max Goldman : Well, it's true.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Oh, you know a lot about worms, Max.
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Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : [Bloopers, Max and Maria crash carts] Ox!
Max Goldman : Jesus Christ! Why the f--- don't you look where you're going?
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Hey!
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Max Goldman : Who put a bug up your ass?