Grumpier Old Men (1995)

Kevin Pollak: Jacob Goldman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jacob Goldman : Studying up on your Italian, are you? You thinking of wooing Maria?

  Max Goldman : Nah, just gonna curse at her in her own language. That's all.

• Jacob Goldman : Hey, Pop, don't you think it's time you started dating again?

  Max Goldman : Who with?

  Jacob Goldman : Well, I happen to know Florence Gilbert, for example, down at the Rotary club, thinks you're quite a catch.

  Max Goldman : She looks like Ernest Borgnine.

  Jacob Goldman : Is that such a bad thing? What about Jane Clark?

  Max Goldman : Jane of the Jungle. Got more body hair than I do. She's a fur-bearing mammal, for God's sake.

  Jacob Goldman : Doris Sobrinski. Huh? I know she's a little heavy, but she loves to fish. You get her on the boat...

  Max Goldman : Doris Sobrinski is dead.

  Jacob Goldman : She is?

  Max Goldman : She choked to death on a stack of pancakes two weeks ago at the Lions Club charity breakfast.

  Jacob Goldman : Wow.

  Max Goldman : I think it's how she would have wanted to go.

  [opens a container of macaroni and cheese and starts eating] 

  Jacob Goldman : Pop?

  Max Goldman : Yeah?

  Jacob Goldman : Listen to me. You can't sit around waiting for another Ariel to walk into your life.

  [Max just stares at him] 

  Jacob Goldman : Thanks for the Phillips.

  [starts to walk away] 

  Max Goldman : Jacob!

  Jacob Goldman : What?

  Max Goldman : Remember when you were a kid, your mother baked that rhubarb pie for my birthday?

  Jacob Goldman : She swelled up like a balloon. Broke out in hives. She didn't know she was allergic to rhubarb.

  Max Goldman : Oh, she knew. She baked it anyway 'cause she knew it was my favorite.

  Jacob Goldman : What made you think of that, Pop?

  Max Goldman : I don't know. I think about things like that all the time.

  Jacob Goldman : [concerned]  Hey, Pop... are you all right?

  Max Goldman : Will you get out of here and let me watch my program? And close the door when you go because I don't want those mosquitoes coming in here. They're crazy about my macaroni and cheese dish.

• Jacob Goldman : [Max and Jacob are watching TV when the dog passes gas]  UGH! What are you feeding this dog?

  Max Goldman : Hormel Chili.

  Jacob Goldman : [grimacing]  Whoo!

  Max Goldman : He likes it.

• Jacob Goldman : Okay. That leaves Uncle Willy sitting next to the plant lady.

  Melanie : I'm not sticking the plant lady next to your Uncle Willy.

  Jacob Goldman : Why not?

  Melanie : Because he's a groper. He'll be all over her.

  Jacob Goldman : He's not a groper. He's a - touchy-feely person.

  Melanie : He's not going to be touchy-feely with the plant lady.

• Jacob Goldman : I think you got the hots for her.

  Max Goldman : Not in a million years. She's just a pig-headed I-talian witch with piss and vinegar running through her veins.

• Melanie : I just think we should take our time.

  Jacob Goldman : I've been taking my time! How does waiting since the Second grade grab you?