The Daily Show (1996– )

Rob Corddry: Self - Correspondent, Self, Self - Host

Quotes 

• Jon Stewart : I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?

  Rob Corddry : Tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face.

  Jon Stewart : But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?

  Rob Corddry : In a post-9/11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

• [about Hitler] 

  Rob Corddry : That guy was not likeable.

• Rob Corddry : Remember, the last person Al Gore endorsed was Al Gore. And you remember how well that went. Really, *do* you remember? I have no idea.

• Rob Corddry : This is pork-barrel politics at its worst.

  Sen. Joan Fitzgerald : How so?

  Rob Corddry : It's... so so.

  Sen. Joan Fitzgerald : You have no idea what pork-barrel politics are, do you?

  Rob Corddry : Do you?

  Sen. Joan Fitzgerald : Pork-barrel politics usually puts money into the system...

  Rob Corddry : Oh, is that what they taught you in lady senator school?

• Rob Corddry : That's why we have this. It's the liberal media filter. It was invented in the 1950s by angry gays and Jews who couldn't get work in musical theater. You know all those nice things you said about President Bush?

  Jon Stewart : Yes, all those nice things that I said.

  Rob Corddry : Well, thanks to this filter, they all appear to come out negative.

  Jon Stewart : Is there a conservative media filter?

  Rob Corddry : They're working on it - it's a work in progress. Although they don't seem to really dig technology all that much.

• Rob Corddry : [playing The Sims]  How do we... steal a car and shoot some hookers?

• Rob Corddry : The mood here at Kerry's headquarters is one of absolute celebration, Jon, elation.

  Jon Stewart : Unbelievable! Even 24 hours later, spirits are still high at the Kerry camp.

  Rob Corddry : There's a *lot* of things still high at the Kerry camp, Jon! Spirits would be one of them, most of the junior campaign staff would be the other!

  [to people offscreen] 

  Rob Corddry : Hey, guys, come on, don't forget to breathe out!

• Rob Corddry : That's right, Jon. Kerry wanted to put on a strong public show of unity for the party, key word there ? "public."

• Rob Corddry : Think about it, Jon - the terrorists are expecting us to hold our elections on Election Day. If we did that, we'd be playing right into their hands.

• Rob Corddry : How long have we known each other?

  Guy at Caucus : [confused]  Umm...

  [gives the camera an "Are you serious?" look] 

  Guy at Caucus : About 15 minutes.

  Rob Corddry : Remember that time on Dean's bus?

  Guy at Caucus : No, no, I don't.

• Rob Corddry : Underneath the rotted timbers of the sunken vessel lies conclusive evidence that the USS Republic was piloted... by Adolf Hitler.

• Rob Corddry : But the weather started getting rough. The giant ship was tossed. If it weren't for the bravery of the fearless crew... actually, the Republic was lost.

• Rob Corddry : Al Gore endorsing Howard Dean. It's pretty hard to see how Dean can recover from this.

• Rob Corddry : Yes, Jon, Howard Dean did make some big mistakes campaigning for the Iowa Caucus, namely, spending too much time in Iowa.

• Rob Corddry : We ate Frank DeCaro last night... and he was delicious.

• Jon Stewart : What do those drugs do, Rob?

  Rob Corddry : Ask your doctor.

  Jon Stewart : Seriously, what do they do?

  Rob Corddry : Seriously, Jon, ask your doctor. I don't know. See, if a pharmaceutical company advertises a prescription drug but doesn't say what it does, the FDA doesn't make them list the side effects. That's why the TV spots for the drugs I just mentioned don't give the foggiest indication for what those pills do other than that they seem to help old people ride tandem bicycles.