The Birdcage (1996)

Dan Futterman: Val Goldman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Val : [Agador is dancing by the pool]  Uh, Dad, could we maybe hire a straight maid for this evening?

  Armand : There are no straight maids in South Beach.

• Armand : [to Agador]  Pull yourself together! Because you have to cook dinner. And I'm going after fucking Albert.

  [Exits] 

  Val : You... can *cook*, right?

  Agador : Your father seems to think so...

• Val : Who put Playboy in the bathroom?

  Goldman Girl : Leave it, it's what they read.

  Val : Don't add! Just subtract!

• Armand : Agador!

  Val : Spartacus!

  Armand : Agador Spartacus!... He insists on being called by his full name.

• Val : [about his marriage]  Is it all right, Dad?

  Armand : Does it matter?

  Val : Yes, of course it does. Say it's okay, before Albert arrives and starts screaming.

  Armand : I can't. And I won't. This is too crazy. You do this, you're on your own. You got that, sport? You don't come back here, you don't ask me for anything, I want nothing to do with it.

  Val : Okay, if that's how you feel.

  Armand : I do.

  Val : Fine.

  [picks up his jacket and holds out his hand] 

  Val : Goodbye, Pop.

  Armand : Goodbye, son.

  [They shake hands, and Val starts to turn away] 

  Armand : Oh, come here!

  [pulls him into a hug] 

  Armand : You little pisher, you called my bluff!

  Val : Yeah, but it was good, though.

  Armand : Really? I thought I backed off on it a little.

• Armand : Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you weren't here.

  Albert : I see... I see.

  Val : It's just for tonight.

  Albert : I understand, it's just while people are here.

• Val : Put your shoes on Agador, it's getting late.

  Agador : [In what he thinks is a normal waiter's voice]  Ah, but there's no point in my putting shoes on.

  [blows out match] 

  Agador : I never wear shoes because they make me fall down.

  Val : Just, put your shoes on, okay? And talk in your normal voice, and just... give me a break, okay?

  Agador : [In real voice]  Okay.

• Armand : First off, you're only twenty.

  Val : Look, Pop, I know I'm young. But you've always said I was a very levelheaded guy, and I am. I have job offers, I know exactly what I want my future to be, and I have this incredible role model...

  Armand : Oh, please.

  Val : No, it's true. You know, I'm the only guy in my fraternity who doesn't come from a broken home.

  Armand : Stop flattering me, it's cheap.

• Val : I have something to tell you. But I don't want you to get how you get.

  Armand : Oh, God...

  Val : I'm getting married.

  Armand : Oh...

  [face-palms] 

  Val : I didn't want to tell you over the phone...

  Armand : Mmm.

  Val : It's a girl, I met her at school, she's wonderful...

  [Armand drains his entire glass of wine in one sip] 

  Val : Uh... are you upset?

  Armand : [nods]  But let me tell you why.

• Val : My first day at Edison Park, you remember what you told me?

  Armand : No.

  Val : You said if Miss Donovan asks me what my father does for a living, I should say he's a businessman.

  Armand : Well, you were a baby. And Miss Donovan was a small-minded idiot. I didn't want you to get hurt. It's different now. You're a man.

  Val : I can still get hurt.

• Val : I assure you, Mother is just following a train of thought to a logical, yet absurd conclusion... much in the same way Jonathan Swift did when he suggested the Irish feed their babies to the rich.

• Val : I'm getting married.

  Armand : Ohh.

  [He covers his face for one second and drinks his wine in 1 go] 

  Val : It's a girl. Are you upset?

  Armand : Let me tell you why.