Eddie Izzard: Definite Article (1996 Video)

Eddie Izzard: Self

Quotes 

• Eddie : Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, "Oh, would you like insurance?"

• Eddie : [as Pavlov]  Day 1: Rang bell, dog ate food. Very excited. Day 2: Rang bell louder dog even more food. Have become welsh. Day 3: Like speaking in Welsh so have decided to continue in that way, rang bell, dog ate so much that he explodes. Win Nobel dog prize at Crofts. But he never published his cat results did he? Oh yes they were hushed up. Day 1: Rang bell, cat fucked off. Day 2: Rang bell cat went and answered door. Day 3: Rang bell, cat said he eaten earlier. Cheeky bugger. Day 4: Went to ring bell but cat had stolen batteries! Final day, day 5: rang bell with new batteries but cat put his paw on bell so it made a 'thunk' noise. Then cat rang his own bell! I... ate food.

• Eddie : My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.

• Eddie : [Corinthians reading Saint Paul's Letter]  "Never put a sock in a toaster...?"

• Eddie : If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

• Eddie : I've done a bit of Latin in my time... but I can control it.

• Eddie : Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal... one horse dropped a shoe came in fourth... the duck came in ninth... five ran."

• Eddie : You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is *fresh*! I will do well here' You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper and squeezy brushes do you? You'd think "This is a *poo* shop! Everything in here is made of *poo*! I'm not shopping here, I'm going to Azerbadjan!"

• Eddie : D'you remember that famous fight, George Formby against Muhammad Ali? Ah, it was brilliant. Dyslexic promoter put it on.

• Eddie : Helloooo. Are you the people of Gaul? Wonderful, well we are the Romans... yes we are... I'm a centurion, and this is our leader, Mr. Dog.

• Eddie : Would you look over there, there's a badger with a gun..can you see? Then new queue! You're in there!

• Eddie : Who chooses to play the Tuba? Surely the Tuba's a punishment thing. "You've been sentenced to two years on the Tuba!" "Aw, Guv!"

• Eddie : Robbie Burns said the best laid plans of mice and men gang aft aglae. That means often go wrong. But which mouse plans was he really homing in on?