Kingpin (1996)

Woody Harrelson: Roy Munson

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Quotes 

• Roy : Morning! I hope you don't mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one. Then, POW, all at once.

  [Takes a drink from the bucket] 

  Mr. Boorg : We don't have a cow. We have a bull.

  Roy : I'll brush my teeth.

• Ishmael : Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, eh? But I'll lose my entire bonus check because I'm so *bombed*.

  McKnight Bowl Bartender : You get that way from ginger ale?

  Roy : Nah, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.

• [On smoking] 

  Ishmael : You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson. They say it's bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.

  Roy : Is that right. Who's done more research on the subject than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say it's harmless. Why would they lie? If you're dead, you can't smoke.

• [Roy Munson is getting ready for his turn to bowl] 

  Ernie McCracken : It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he's the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He's got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst.

  Roy : Hey. Do you mind? I wasn't talking when you were bowling.

  Ernie McCracken : Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.

• Roy : WHO YOU CALLIN' A PSYCHO?

• Ishmael : Whatcha doin', Mr. Munson?

  Roy : Flossin'.

  Ishmael : Flossin? Where'd I get "Munson" from?

  Roy : The *name* is Munson, what I'm doin' is flossin', this is called floss, cleans your teeth, you oughta try it sometime!

• Neighbor : Roy, can you get sick drinkin' piss?

  Roy : I think you can.

  Neighbor : Even if it's your own?

• Mr. Boorg : How many children do you have, Brother Hezekiah?

  Roy : Uh, none that I know of.

  [Adopting a terrible Irish accent] 

  Roy : What I mean to say is, I was, uh, wee, I'm unable to have children. Nasty cheese gratin' accident as a young man.

• McKnight Bowl Bartender : So, you two are dictionary salesmen?

  Roy : You would be punctilious in assuming that."

• Roy : Yeah, sure, Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?

  Ishmael : God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It's okay.

  Roy : Yeah, well, he blessed you, too, and I'll give you a clue what it is. It's round, it has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it.

  Ishmael : [He points his finger into Roy's face]  You leave Rebecca out of this, mister!

  Roy : I'm talking about bowling! Your future!

• Roy : I know what you're thinking, but let me explain...

  [Claudia kicks Roy in the crotch] 

  Roy : [very softly]  Mommy. You must have a really wide foot because you got both of them

• Ishmael : [after losing a game]  Mr. Munson, you all right?

  Roy : [calmly]  Ish, uh, what happened in there?

  Ishmael : Well, I don't know. Um, I thought I played pretty good. Uh, he's just a little better than me, that's all.

  Roy : Pretty good, huh? 186.

  [loses his cool] 

  Roy : You lost to a club player! What - that's not supposed to happen! You're carrying a 270 average!

  Ishmael : Wh-wh-wh-what do you expect? I mean, you guys with your 10 frames.

  Roy : [angrily]  What do you mean, "you guys with your 10 frames"?

  Ishmael : Well, my grandpa always taught me to bowl 15 frames. It's like I told you before, we Amish, we do everything half again as hard as you do. Ten frames.

  [scoffs] 

  Ishmael : That's for Quakers.

• Roy : Just because you're familiar with the missionary position doesn't make you a missionary.

  Claudia : Look, Mr. Munster, you're not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across.

  Roy : Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?

• Roy : What about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the the novelty machine in the men's room? I mean, those are fun even when you're alone.

  Lancaster Bowl Manager : Yeah.

  Roy : You get it?

  Lancaster Bowl Manager : [impatiently, trying to read his Asian Brides magazine]  Yeah!

  Roy : This is like the hula hoop of the nineties. People go nuts!

  Lancaster Bowl Manager : No! Look, we don't even have a novelty machine in the men's room anymore.

  Roy : And you call this a bowling alley?

• Roy : Some of the dresses ya' got, ya' need two hairdos to wear.

• Roy : [Whispering so as not to awake Claudia, whom he means to leave behind]  Just be quiet.

  [as Ishmael whispers "okay," Roy trips and falls] 

  Roy : Ooh! I think I tore my sac.

  Ishmael : [loudly]  Are you okay, Mr. Munson?

  Roy : Shh! What did I just say?

  Ishmael : Uh, "I think I tore my sac"?

• Ishmael : I don't drink coffee.

  Roy : Why not?

  Ishmael : Because it's a stimulant.

  Roy : What the hell do you think cigarettes are?

  Ishmael : They are?

  [Roy nods] 

  Ishmael : All right, make it an extra large, two sugars, lots of cream. Lots of cream.

• Ernie McCracken : The Munson.

  Roy : Big Ern. Long time.

  Ernie McCracken : I'll say. Probably a year for every topping on the table. I heard a horrible rumor...

  Ernie McCracken : [looks at Roy's prosthetic rubber hand]  Oh, creepy! I'm sorry. You know, for the first couple years, I felt responsible. How you been otherwise?

  Roy : You know, in the last 17 years, a day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about what I'd say to you if I ever ran into you again.

  Ernie McCracken : I bet!

  Ernie McCracken : [notices Claudia]  Hello.

• ESPN Announcer : So Roy, let me ask you, what have you been doing all these years?

  Roy : Uh, well, the the uh... after the hand, I. There was the 80s - you know, for a while... drinking. A lot of drinking.

  ESPN Announcer : Uh, are you still drinking?

  Roy : No no, I don't - that's behind me now. Why, are you buying?

• Roy : You two know each other?

  Ernie McCracken : It's a small world when you've got unbelievable tits, Roy.

• Ishmael : Have you been drinking again?

  Roy : I don't puke when I drink. I puke when I don't.

• Roy : Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don't mow another guy's lawn.

• Claudia : Ishmael likes me.

  Roy : I promise you, you're not his type.

  Claudia : Oh, I'm his type. I'm every guy's type.

• Man in bowling alley : Come on, boy. Bowl!

  Roy : The name's not boy. It's Roy.

  [makes a spare] 

  Roy : Roy Munson.

• Ishmael : No way. Uh-huh. There's no way I can bet. It's against my religion. I was raised to *not* be a gambler. There's no way I'm going to bet.

  Roy : Hey, hey, Ish. Ish! *Ish*!

  Ishmael : No. No! *No* way!

  Roy : Hey! Listen, you stupid banana head! You don't have to bet. I'll bet for you.

  Ishmael : Oh, that's cool. I mean, what's the worst that can happen?

  [Roy agrees by gesturing with his hook and then looks at it awkwardly] 

• Roy : The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn't kickin' mine.

• [In the parking lot, Roy has packed his car and is saying farewell to Dad and a few friends] 

  Roy : Can you believe this? Me, on a professional bowling tour?

  Calvert Munson : It's your calling, son. One day, when people say the name Munson, they're gonna think "winner." Just like DiMaggio is to baseball or, or Unitas is to football, that's what Munson will be to bowling.

• Roy : Hey, Herbie! How's life?

  Scranton Wino : Taking forever.

• Roy : This feels weird. Are you sure this is legal?

  Ernie McCracken : I don't know. It's fun though, isn't it?

• Roy : That coffee wasn't even hot.

  [takes a sip of coffee] 

  Roy : Now, that's hot.

• Silver Legacy Maid : [Roy and Ishmael are trying to find Claudia and have rushed to her hotel room, only to find two maids making up the bed]  She checked out. She left with two guys.

  Roy : Two guys like us?

  Silver Legacy Maid : No, they were good looking.

• [after Roy and Ernie's hustle has been busted] 

  Roy : Father, do something!

  Bowling Priest : [ripping off collar]  Oh yeah, I'm a priest, like you're a dictionary salesman.

• Claudia : What do you think about new beginnings?

  Roy Munson : Is that the... feminine hygiene spray?

• Roy : Why would a bowler need a manager...? Don't you need a coach, a friend, a brother... someone who's gonna stick by your side through thick and thin, someone who will be a loyal friend and never, ever, EVER turn on you - no matter what.

  Ishmael : I'm sorry sir but, I'm just not interested.

  [Ishmael rides away on his bike] 

  Roy : I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL YOU LOSER. YOU SUCK!

• Purse Snatcher : I gotta crap, I need somethin' to read!

  Roy : Here, use this shampoo.

  Purse Snatcher : New and improved, I read this already!

• Roy : Brother Thomas, you know what it says in the Bible about not forgivin' people.

  Thomas : Why don't you tell us all what it says, Brother Hezekiah?

  Roy : It's, uh... it's against it.

• Roy : [to the Bowling Priest]  Give us a chance to win our money back.

  Ernie McCracken : Are you crazy?

  [to the Priest] 

  Ernie McCracken : Padre, how much are you into us for already?

  Bowling Priest : Uh, three-hundred and fifty.

  Ernie McCracken : $350. That's a landau roof and power steering down the drain. Could be in your pocket right now. Let's go.

  Roy : Double or nothing I can pick up that spare. I think I can do it.

  Ernie McCracken : That's the 6-7-10. You'll pick up that spare the same day my hair starts falling out. Come on, let's get outta here.

  Roy : I can do this.

  Ernie McCracken : For $700? No way. No. No way. For $700.

  [grabs the money out of Roy's pocket] 

  Ernie McCracken : What have you got here? Fifteen-hundred. For $1500. Guys, you want some of the "action", as he calls it.

  Bowling Priest : [to the hustlers]  Come on, you chickenshits. I'm good for the money, put up my share.

  Ernie McCracken : Now, Mr. Bigshot! Mr. "I wear my pants high and I pick up every spare... drunk or sober!"

  Beaver Bowl Hustler : Alright, we'll take that bet.

  Ernie McCracken : Fine, my friend, my so-called friend. Take your silly little ball and make your silly little spare... Or miss it!

• Roy : Double or nothing I can pick up that spare. I think I can do it.

  Ernie McCracken : It's a 6-7-10. You'll pick up that spare the same day my hair starts falling out.

• Roy : Look I've done a lot of creepy things in my life but I'm not gonna get into a fistfight with a girl.

• Roy : [Referring to his father and the fact he hadn't returned to Ocelot, IA until just then]  I got word he died about 10 years ago. Didn't even have the nerve to come back for the funeral.