Kingpin (1996)

Randy Quaid: Ishmael

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Ishmael : Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, eh? But I'll lose my entire bonus check because I'm so *bombed*.

  McKnight Bowl Bartender : You get that way from ginger ale?

  Roy : Nah, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.

• [On smoking] 

  Ishmael : You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson. They say it's bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.

  Roy : Is that right. Who's done more research on the subject than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say it's harmless. Why would they lie? If you're dead, you can't smoke.

• Ishmael : Hey everybody there's a shit cloud coming! Run for your lives!

• [refering to Roy's hook for a hand] 

  Claudia : It must be hard to spank your monkey.

  Ishmael : You have a monkey?

• Ishmael : Whatcha doin', Mr. Munson?

  Roy : Flossin'.

  Ishmael : Flossin? Where'd I get "Munson" from?

  Roy : The *name* is Munson, what I'm doin' is flossin', this is called floss, cleans your teeth, you oughta try it sometime!

• Roy : Yeah, sure, Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?

  Ishmael : God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It's okay.

  Roy : Yeah, well, he blessed you, too, and I'll give you a clue what it is. It's round, it has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it.

  Ishmael : [He points his finger into Roy's face]  You leave Rebecca out of this, mister!

  Roy : I'm talking about bowling! Your future!

• Ishmael : [to Ernie McCracken]  I don't know who the heck you think you are, but if you don't wiggle those child-bearing hips out that door in 5 seconds, you're gonna find your nose sniffing my big Amish ass!

• Ishmael : [after losing a game]  Mr. Munson, you all right?

  Roy : [calmly]  Ish, uh, what happened in there?

  Ishmael : Well, I don't know. Um, I thought I played pretty good. Uh, he's just a little better than me, that's all.

  Roy : Pretty good, huh? 186.

  [loses his cool] 

  Roy : You lost to a club player! What - that's not supposed to happen! You're carrying a 270 average!

  Ishmael : Wh-wh-wh-what do you expect? I mean, you guys with your 10 frames.

  Roy : [angrily]  What do you mean, "you guys with your 10 frames"?

  Ishmael : Well, my grandpa always taught me to bowl 15 frames. It's like I told you before, we Amish, we do everything half again as hard as you do. Ten frames.

  [scoffs] 

  Ishmael : That's for Quakers.

• Roy : [Whispering so as not to awake Claudia, whom he means to leave behind]  Just be quiet.

  [as Ishmael whispers "okay," Roy trips and falls] 

  Roy : Ooh! I think I tore my sac.

  Ishmael : [loudly]  Are you okay, Mr. Munson?

  Roy : Shh! What did I just say?

  Ishmael : Uh, "I think I tore my sac"?

• Ishmael : I don't drink coffee.

  Roy : Why not?

  Ishmael : Because it's a stimulant.

  Roy : What the hell do you think cigarettes are?

  Ishmael : They are?

  [Roy nods] 

  Ishmael : All right, make it an extra large, two sugars, lots of cream. Lots of cream.

• Ishmael : Ten frames?

  [scoffs] 

  Ishmael : That's for Quakers.

• Ishmael : I didn't want to be the one to tell him, but with those narrow hips, that girl couldn't have more than 6 or 7 children!

  [snickering] 

• Ishmael : Have you been drinking again?

  Roy : I don't puke when I drink. I puke when I don't.

• Ishmael : No way. Uh-huh. There's no way I can bet. It's against my religion. I was raised to *not* be a gambler. There's no way I'm going to bet.

  Roy : Hey, hey, Ish. Ish! *Ish*!

  Ishmael : No. No! *No* way!

  Roy : Hey! Listen, you stupid banana head! You don't have to bet. I'll bet for you.

  Ishmael : Oh, that's cool. I mean, what's the worst that can happen?

  [Roy agrees by gesturing with his hook and then looks at it awkwardly] 

• Ishmael : Some corn stalks were broken and I tried to fix them.

• Roy : Why would a bowler need a manager...? Don't you need a coach, a friend, a brother... someone who's gonna stick by your side through thick and thin, someone who will be a loyal friend and never, ever, EVER turn on you - no matter what.

  Ishmael : I'm sorry sir but, I'm just not interested.

  [Ishmael rides away on his bike] 

  Roy : I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL YOU LOSER. YOU SUCK!

• Ishmael : Hi Mr. Skidmark.