The Stupids (1996)

Jessica Lundy: Joan Stupid

Photos 

Quotes 

• Buster Stupid : What if we formed our own army?

  Petunia Stupid : Then we'd have to form our own country.

  Joan Stupid : We could call it Stupidia.

• Joan Stupid : Note to self: must buy hand held tape recorder. Then I will no longer be speaking into the garage door opener.

• [Stanley tries to start it using an invisible key] 

  Stanley Stupid : The car won't start.

  Buster Stupid : Maybe the battery is dead.

  Joan Stupid : It was perfectly healthy this morning.

• Joan Stupid : Stanley, you must beware of the Drive B.

  Stanley Stupid : What's a Drive B?

  Joan Stupid : We don't know, but whatever error you make with it could be fatal.

  Stanley Stupid : [notices a bee landing on his steering wheel]  What are you doing, you darn bee? Can't you see I'm trying to drive? Oh, my God! The drive bee!

• Joan Stupid : Oh dear I left the garbage out over night.

  Stanley Stupid : [looking inside cans]  Oh no. Someone's stolen our garbage again.

• Joan Stupid : As your president of Stupidia, I appoint Stanley Stupid head of the army.

  [Stanley who just escaped from the base, raced to the car] 

  Joan Stupid : Your first assignment is to go onto that army base and rescue my husband.

  Buster Stupid : And rescue our dad.

  Stanley Stupid : I'm afraid those two will have to wait, we've got to get to a place called Warehouse 21.

• Policeman : [on the phone]  Hello, is this Mrs. Stupid?

  Joan Stupid : Yes.

  Policeman : We have your children here, Ma'am.

  Joan Stupid : Oh my God, it's true. The police have kidnapped my children!

• Glamorous Actress : Some people think it's easy being a celebrity, but when they canceled my series "Malibu Beach Detective", I was just absolutely devastated.

  [the "Applause" sign comes on and the audience applauds] 

  Late Night Show Host : Well, I'm sure everyone is very sympathetic for you. You've put so much work into such a fine series to have it taken off the air.

  Glamorous Actress : As an artist, I was truly crushed.

  [the "Applause" sign comes on again and the audience applauds] 

  Glamorous Actress : It was the most awful, shocking, heartbreaking thing that's ever happened to me!

  [backstage, Petunia is unkowingly flipping the switch that turns the "Applause" sign on and off] 

  Petunia Stupid : Mom, I can't get this light switch to work.

  Joan Stupid : Just a moment dear.

  [she writes "Give it to the fat guy" on a blank cue card] 

  Joan Stupid : Now, let's take a look.

  [she fiddles with the switch and the sign comes on, with audience applauding] 

  Glamorous Actress : Well, maybe you'd all be happier if there was no primetime television.

  [Joan fiddles with the switch some more; the audience keeps applauding] 

  TV Director : What's going on?

  Glamorous Actress : You could spend every night reading books together.

  [Joan flips the switch; the audience applauds; the Glamourous Actress leaves] 

  Late Night Show Host : Well, my next guest is a world-class French chef, so stay tuned, everyone, and let's...

  [reads from cue card which is actually a reminder note from Joan Stupid] 

  Late Night Show Host : Give it to the fat guy!

  French Chef : Fat? Fat? Moi, fat?

  [yells in French] 

  French Chef : [he starts shaking the host around while Joan flips the switch one last time and the audience applauds] 

• [after attempting to start his car battery by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation; in doing so, Stanley is able to reason logically] 

  Stanley Stupid : Wait a minute. What am I doing? I've cooked up some insane conspiracy theory and put myself in the middle of an illegal weapons deal with some of the world's most dangerous men. I've risked my life and the lives of my family in a scheme that makes absolutely no sense at all. Insight fading. I must remember not to go forward with this.

  Joan Stupid : What is it, Stanley? What are you supposed to remember?

  Stanley Stupid : [back to himself]  Um... I don't know.