Spice World (1997)
Richard E. Grant: Clifford
Photos
Quotes
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Clifford : [exasperated] How can all the toilets break down at once?
Dennis : It's not my fault. Hey, it's hard enough to get a plumber to come to your house, and that stays in one place. But you try getting a plumber to come to a bus that's driving all over the countryside. It's impossible.
Clifford : [frustrated] Well, can't you do something about it?
Dennis : [confused] Like what?
Clifford : [he means fix the toilets, not "fix" the girls so they can't pee] Fix them!
Dennis : Hey man, I love these girls, and I'd do anything for them. But I won't do that.
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Clifford : They're hot, Chief! They've got fire in their eyes, hunger in their bellies and great big shoes on their feet!
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Clifford : Well done girls, excellent performance
Scary Spice : What are you talking about, you weren't even watching Clifford!
Clifford : Yes I was!
Sporty : Don't lie, no you weren't!
Clifford : I sensed the vibes! I have an excellent vibe sensor right here
Scary Spice : Yeah right.
Baby : He just doesn't love us anymore!
Clifford : Oh yes I do. I love you like a wildebeest loves five lionesses chewing at his legs!
Baby : Rawr!
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Sporty : [after falling into the bus] Victoria!
Posh : Sorry!
Graydon : [Describing the events as they are happening] Now they're coming up on the tower bridge.
Voice of Bridge Keeper : Attention, please. Your attention, please. The bridge will shortly be lifted.
Graydon : The road is rising right in front of them to let a boat through!
Posh : The bridge is going up!
Graydon : They can't believe it!
Scary Spice : Oh, my god! I don't believe it!
Graydon : Are they crazy enough to try and jump the gap?
[Sporty, Baby, Ginger, and Scary put on their "game faces"]
Posh : Hold onto your knickers, girls!
Graydon : Hey, baby! These are the Spice Girls, of course they're gonna go for it! Up it goes. A five ton London bus sailing through the air at seventy miles an hour! It's incredible!
Martin Barnfield : It's expensive!
[the Spice Bus easily jumps the gap]
Martin Barnfield : Um... not necessarily.
Graydon : But then, just when you think they're safe, they discover the bomb.
Martin Barnfield : What bomb?
Baby : [Opens up a secret door, looks at the bomb, and screams]
Graydon : That bomb.
Scary Spice , Ginger Spice , Sporty , Baby , Posh : [All scream]
Martin Barnfield : Why?
Graydon : Those are the rules.
Martin Barnfield : My god, I've had enough of the rules!
[Attempts to choke Graydon, but Clifford holds him back]
Martin Barnfield : What are you trying to do, kill them? No more! They've suffered enough! Please!
Graydon : All right! All right! They... they run up the steps to the Albert Hall, zoom past the guards, hurdle down the corridor, and they burst through that door right there.
[Points to the door]
Clifford : [Watches the door, expecting to see the Spice Girls run in. When they don't, he attemspt to choke Graydon. Martin tries to hold him back] You lied to me!
Martin Barnfield : Hey! Hey! Hey, now! Hey! Hey! That's enough of that!
Clifford : Where are they?
Graydon : [Still choking] I'll rewrite it.
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Clifford : You don't have a life. You have a schedule.
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Clifford : Look at this! Front page news, again. Suppose the whole lot of you'd been drowned.
Ginger Spice : Well, we weren't though, were we?
Posh : Speak for yourself.
Clifford : What did you think you were doing? Going off like that?
Scary Spice : We were just having fun!
Clifford : What?
Baby : Fun! You know, like ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Sporty : Look, Clifford, we're old enough to take responsibility for our own lives, do you know what I mean?
Clifford : You don't have a life, you have a schedule! You are part of a well-oiled, global machine! There are people everywhere working their butts off for you! People like Deborah, here.
Deborah : Oh, can we leave my butt out of this, please?
Ginger Spice : Oh, just don't be so uptight, Clifford.
Clifford : Uptight? Uptight? You've got a live gig here tomorrow. It's my job to see that you turn up. My bum is on the line, here!
Posh : Can you please leave butts and bums out of this, for one minute?
Sporty : Clifford, some things are more important than gigs, you know.
Clifford : Like what?
Ginger Spice : Like self respect and our freedom, for a start!
Baby : Yeah, and friendship!
Clifford : What are you saying? You-you don't want to turn up here, tomorrow night?
Ginger Spice : [defiantly] Well, maybe we don't.
Baby : What'd you say that for?
Ginger Spice : I don't know, I just said it.
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Deborah : He didn't mean that!
Clifford : [defiantly] Oh, didn't I?
Baby : [Tearfully] Look, can we please stop arguing?
Posh : When you know exactly what is happening, could somebody please let ME know?
[she storms off]
Scary Spice : [Angrily] Oh great, Clifford! Now look what you've gone and done!
Clifford : Well, that's just too bad!
Scary Spice : Well yeah, it is too bad, cause you know what? I'm going home now, see ya!
[follows Victoria]
Clifford : Bye!
Baby : Look, can we stop all this? This is doing my head in.
[exits]
Sporty : [follows her bandmate] Emma!
Sporty : Emma!
[runs after her]
Ginger Spice : [a long pause ensues, and only Geri is left] I hope you know what you're doing, cause if you're looking for a fight, you're gonna lose!
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[Clifford sits silently backstage, panicked that the girls really aren't going to show up for the concert. Finally he speaks to the documentary camera]
Clifford : Okay. So this is the plan. The band starts up, the fans go wild, the lights come on, and I walk center stage and hang myself.
[to the camera man]
Clifford : Oh by the way this is my good side.
[back to the audience]
Clifford : My final words are, "The Spice Girls? I hate them!"
[Suddenly the girls burst through the door shouting and laughing]
Scary Spice : Hey! What you doing sitting around?
Baby : Come on! We got a show to do!
Ginger Spice : How ya doing?
Sporty : Where are the mics?
Posh : Where are the clothes!
Scary Spice : And where are the bacon butties?
Clifford : I love those girls! I love those girls!
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[the Spice Girls have all just stormed out after a huge row about an incident where they ran off with two competition winners and several of them fall into the River Thames]
Clifford : So what do you think? No I don't want to hear what you think?
[pauses]
Clifford : What do you think?
Deborah : I think you have definitely, definitely lost
Clifford : I think I may have just started the breakup of The Spice Girls
Clifford : [as Deborah stalks off] AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!
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Clifford : I told them before. If they wanted to be spontaneous they had to clear it with me first.
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Clifford : Now hear this. It is dangerous to leave moisturising cream in the refrigerator, as it could be mistaken for mayonaisse. That is all.
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Graydon : [Describes what's going on throughout the entire scene] He crashes to the ground. And now the girls come face-to-face with their tabloid tormentor. The evil reporter has been unmaksed and in that moment, Damien's whole worthless life flashes before his eyes because, the girls have made him realize that he's been living a meaningless lie.
Damien : [Lying on the ground, in pain] Oh, d'you know what, girls... you've made me realize... I've been... living a meaningless lie.
Graydon : It's his character's one defining moment, and there isn't a dry seat in the house.
Martin Barnfield : I'm wet already.
Clifford : So, then what? Is that the end?
Graydon : No! Damien goes after the really big evil boss, McMaxford.
Clifford : Well, what about the girls?
Graydon : Well, the girls, they've gotta get to Albert Hall, right? I mean, they've been at the hospital for twelve hours.
Baby : Dennis!
Posh : Out of the ways girls?
Scary Spice : What are you doing?
Posh : Fasten your seatbelts.
[Gets in the driver's seat of the Spice Bus, puts her seatbelt on, presses down on the gas pedal, and starts driving like a lunatic]
Dennis : [Getting up off the ground] Hey! That's my bus!
Posh : Come on! What are you doing? What's the matter, are you blind? Come on, what are you doing? Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Sunday drivers! It's only Saturday!
Graydon : And now the Spice Bus is racing across London, through Trafalger's Square. Pigeons are flying up. Guys are diving into fountains. And as it zooms through them all, past Bukingham Palace, Prince William is there. He's looin' at the window through a curtain. He turns to the Queen! The Queen, man! And he says "Oi, granny, look. It's the Spice Girls. They're on telly in a minute". And the Queen looks out and says "Oh, you're right. Isn't that the Posh one drivin'?"
Baby : Look, there's the Queen! Hi, William!
Ginger Spice : Hi, Charlie.
Scary Spice : Hello, Harry.
Graydon : And then, suddenly, they're on top of the bus.
Clifford : Why?
Martin Barnfield : The rules!
Graydon : Right, right, the rules. Anyhow, there they are, standing in gale-force winds. Holding on for dear life. Emma slips, but Geri grabs her. But then Geri slips, so Mel B grabs her. But then, she slips, so Mel C grabs her. Four? Wait, that's four. Oh, there's one driving, right. Anyway, they're standing on top of a bus, whiplashing back and forth, about to be turned into Spice Jam!
Martin Barnfield : Oh, my god!
Clifford : And...?
Graydon : Two old nuns in a mini-metro pull up right in front of them. The braking tumbles the girls back into the bus.
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Sporty : Why Milan, Clifford?
Clifford : Just a TV special. Italians, screaming fans, the usual thing.
Scary Spice : Are we there yet?
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Deborah : [finding Clifford alone in a bar] I thought I'd find you here.
Clifford : Sorry, there's only room for one depressed personality here.
Deborah : Come on, Clifford. At least you're still alive.
Clifford : That's the bit that depresses me.
Deborah : If it makes you feel better, I have a degree in politics, philosophy and economics, and I spend my entire life worrying whether Mel C is wearing the right Nike Air Max.
Clifford : By the way, did you sort them out yet?
Deborah : Yes.
Clifford : Whoo.
Deborah : Mind you, I'd rather be us than the girls. Fame is such a fickle thing.
Elvis Costello : [the bartender] So, what can I get you?
Deborah : Gin and Tonic, please. Wait a minute. Can you make that a double?
Elvis Costello : Yes.
Deborah : You know what happens now, don't you?
Clifford : What's That?
Deborah : We sit here more and more self-pitying, telling tragic tales of lost lovers, and deaden the pain with bursting passion and ruining our professional relationship.
Clifford : [a lascivious leer on his face] I'm up for that.
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Clifford : Next stop. Publicity party. Beautiful people, reporters, lots of finger food, have fun. That is all.
