Men in Black II (2002)
Will Smith: Jay
Photos
Quotes
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[about the driver-shaped airbag]
Kevin Brown/K : Does that come standard?
Agent J : Actually it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.
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Agent J : Wait, what are you doing?
Kevin Brown/K : I always do the driving.
Agent J : Oh, no...
Kevin Brown/K : I remember that.
Agent J : No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted jawn. See, I drive the new hotness.
[pointing at Kay]
Agent J : Old and busted.
[pointing at himself]
Agent J : New hotness.
[Kay looks at Jay for a second, then J hands the keys over]
Agent J : Old, busted hotness...
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Frank the Pug : [Frank sings "I Will Survive"] And now you're back from outer space, / I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, / I should've changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, / If I'd have known for just one second you'd be back to bother me. / Go on, now go! Walk out the door...
Agent J : Frank! Move your head inside this window, before I roll it up in there.
Frank the Pug : [Sits further away from the window] Got it!
[Starts humming "I Will Survive" melody again, looking anxiously out the window]
Agent J : [shouts] Frank!
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Agent J : [after K shoots Jeebs in the head after being ejected from Jeebs' deneuralyzer] You're back.
Kevin Brown/K : No.
Agent J : Then how did you know that his head would grow back?
Kevin Brown/K : [surprised] It grows back?
Jeebs : [as his head grows back] Real nice! But that's the last time I help out a friend!
Agent J : Kay, do you remember anything?
Kevin Brown/K : Goodbye.
[walks away]
Agent J : Kay!
Jeebs : K, wait! I never got the updated software!
[to J]
Jeebs : Still workin' off the 6.0.
[to K]
Jeebs : Your brain needs to reboot! Give it a minute.
Agent J : Kay!
Jeebs : From the bottom of my heart, Jay, I'm really sorry. I hope this doesn't affect our friendship. All those years of loyalty, trust, and respect for one another.
[Serleena's minions sent to retrieve Kay burst in. Jay takes cover]
Jeebs : [pointing at Jay] Right over there!
Corn Face : Where's Kay?
Jeebs : He's not here! He went...
Agent J : [blows Jeebs' head off] Kay is officially retired! I'm his trigger happy replacement! Something I can do for you gentlemen?
Jeebs : [as his head grows back] Oh, great! Right in the piehole! Now nothing's gonna taste right!
Pineal Eye : Lower your weapon!
Agent J : No!
[the Mosh Tendrils jumps from behind Jay and throws him to the Corn Face alien, who throws Jay to the ground]
Scrad : Jay, how are you, boo-boo? Look, these guys really need Kay.
Agent J : He's a neutral!
Scrad : Tell me something we don't know.
Charlie : [popping out of Scrad's backpack] Yeah, tell me something we don't...
[sneezes]
Charlie : I'm so sorry.
Pineal Eye : God bless you.
Charlie : Thank you.
Scrad : Look, if I don't bring Kay back to MIB, Serleena's gonna kick my ass. Now, where is he?
Agent J : Where's who?
Corn Face : You don't look too good.
Agent J : [punches the Corn Alien's mask off] And you look like crap!
[the Pineal Eye and Dog Crap alien laugh]
Agent J : [referring to the Dog Crap alien] I take that back. HE look like crap.
Pineal Eye : [continues to laugh, but stops] BEND HIM!
Scrad : Bend him.
Agent J : Oh, damn, wait. Nah, don't bend him.
[the Corn Face alien picks up Jay and starts bending him]
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[as Jeff devours the commuter train from one end, the passengers crowd at the head of the train in panic. The conductor comes out of the cabin]
Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman : Everybody out before I start knocking heads here!
Agent J : You get in there, and you put the hammer down on this thing!
Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman : I'm Captain Larry Bridgewater, and I decide what happens on this train.
Agent J : Oh. Oh, you decide? Oh. Okay. Come here. Come here.
[J steers Larry to the rear of the crowd, and points]
Agent J : Larry, that's my man Jeff.
[Jeff takes another huge bite out of the back of the train]
Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman : Larry just made a decision.
Agent J : Yeah, Larry needs to take his ass in there!
Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman : Yeah...
[as Larry makes his way toward the cabin, Jay walks up to Jeff and aims his gun at Jeff]
Agent J : Don't make me do this, Jeff!
[Jeff backs off from the subway train]
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Newton : A neuralize...
Agent J : [neuralizes Newton] Ok. First, get some contact lenses, 'cause those joints look like they could pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia, get her a lobster dinner. Pay more than a dollar. Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia, move your bum ass outta your mom's house. Boy, you like 40 years old.
Kevin Brown/K : Agent J?
Agent J : All right, all right. Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.
[J leaves]
Newton : You wanna go to Cambodia?
Hailey : Yeah.
Newton : Hey, Mom?
[picks up a shovel]
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Agent K : You did not see a room full of shiny weapons, you did not see four alien night crawlers. You will love and cherish each other for the rest of your life.
Agent J : Which could be the next 27 or 28 minutes, so y'all should get to lovin' and cherishin'. Oh, and she gets to stay up as late as she wants and have candy and cookies and cake and junk and stuff...
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Agent J : Jarra, you are under arrest for being that ugly, and for making that many copies! Now surrender!
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[Agents J and T have dinner at a restaurant]
Agent T : Oh, good pie!
Agent J : Oh, yeah.
[T starts crying]
Agent J : What's wrong, man? The pie not good?
Agent T : You're gonna neuralyze me!
Agent J : No...
Agent T : Yes! You brought me to a public place so I wouldn't make a scene!
Agent J : You ARE making a scene!
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Agent J : Why did you join MiB?
Agent T : Six years in the Marines. Love to serve, love the action.
Agent J : You wanted to play hero. Well, you joined the wrong organization. You ever hear of James Edwards?
Agent T : No.
Agent J : Well, he saved the lives of fifteen people tonight. But nobody knows he exists. And if nobody knows he exists, how can anybody love him?
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Frank the Pug : D'ya tell the girl you love her?
Agent J : Hey, man, she's a witness to a crime, that's it.
Frank the Pug : Yada, yada, you're attracted. She's not even my species, and I'm attracted.
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Agent J : [Jay is hiding Laura at the Worms' place] Here's my communicator. You'll be safe here.
Worms : [Laura kisses Jay] Whooooh!
Agent J : Uh... just... watch out for Neeble.
Laura : Which one's Neeble?
Agent J : Um... err... which one o' y'all's Neeble?
Neeble : Yo, mama!
Agent J : Ah, there ya go. And... uh... don't fall asleep.
[Jay exits]
Worms : Twister!
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[last lines]
Agent Kay : How ya doing?
Agent J : Good.
Agent Kay : Listen, we've all been there. The girl is gone and it hurts. Wanna talk about it?
Agent J : No.
Agent Kay : I can help.
Agent J : No.
Zed : [walks into the room] Still sulking?
Agent Kay : [at the same time as J] Yeah.
Agent J : [at the same time as K] No.
Zed : You miss her, it happens to all of us. There was this young, hot thing I knew once. When our bodies were intwined, in the positions of the Kamasutra...
Agent J : Zed! Come on, man! Damn!
Frank the Pug : [walks in] I'll tell you about dames. They say they wanna be scratched behind the ears, but what they REALLY want is...
[growls]
Agent J : Hey! Come on...
Frank the Pug : What? Still sitting shiva? Want my advice?
Agent J : No. No advice.
[to Kay]
Agent J : No talking.
[to Zed]
Agent J : Hell no! Fellas, I swear, I'm fine.
[opens his locker]
Grand Central Station Locker Creatures : All hail J! All hail J!
Agent J : [closes his locker] Why did you put them rats in my locker, man?
Agent Kay : I thought it would put things in perspective for you.
Agent J : No, K, it's actually kind of sad, really. We need to let them out of there. I mean, they need to know that the world is bigger than that.
Agent Kay : Still a rookie.
[Kicks open a door to a room filled with gigantic aliens]
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Agent J : Look, I know you're a little scared. And I'm gonna keep it real with you, I'm a little scared too.
Kevin Brown/K : I'm not scared.
Agent J : Me neither. I just thought we was bonding.
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Agent J : Could I have your attention, please?
[Neuralyzes the crowd]
Agent J : Thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all would have been EATEN. 'Cause you don't listen! You're ignorant! How's a man gonna come crashin' through the back of a subway win - that's the problem with all y'all New Yorkers! "Oh no, we've seen it all!" "Oh no, a 600 foot worm, save us Mr. Black Man!" I ask you nicely to move forward to the next car, y'all just sit there like...
[Gathers himself and Neuralyzes the crowd again]
Agent J : The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully you enjoyed our smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. Watch your step, you all have a nice evening.
[He leaves, neuralyzing Larry in the driver's seat on his way]
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Agent J : Kid? While you were off licking stamps I saved the world from a Crelon invasion.
Kevin Brown/K : The Crelons are the Backstreet Boys of the universe. What'd they do, throw snowballs at you?
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Agent J : [takes Kevin/K into the Deneuralizer room] The Deneuralizer. In a few moments, transverse magneto energy will surge through your brain, unlocking information hidden deep and dormant that could hold the key to Earth's very survival.
Kevin Brown/K : Okay.
[pointing at the deneuralizer]
Kevin Brown/K : What's that thing?
Agent J : The deneuralizer...
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Agent J : [after Jay stopped the countdown launch that was to send Laura into space] What do you mean, just leave you? I never run out on a fight.
Laura : He took your gun. Cracked you on the head.
Agent J : And...
Laura : Slammed you across the room. Half the time you were on your back.
Agent J : That's how I fight.
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Agent J : Just about everybody who works in this post office is an alien.
[Opens up the aail sorter, revealing that there is an alien with a cigarette sorting the mail inside]
Kevin Brown/K : [takes the cigarette out of the alien's mouth] No smoking!
[moves off, the alien puts another cigarette in his mouth and continues to sort the mail]
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Serleena : You lost, you insignificant little speck! You wasted 20 years of my time, and for what? The complete destruction of the Zarthas, all because you went mushy!
Agent K : I'm giving you one last chance to surrender, you slimy Kylothian invertebrate.
Serleena : Oh, what are you gonna do?
Agent K : Not me, him...
Agent J : [behind Serleena] Your flight's been cancelled!
[blasts Serleena]
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Kevin Brown/K : [he and Jay are at a locker at Grand Central Station; Kay doesn't know what's in the locker] You're not gonna slow me down on this, are you?
Agent J : Slow you down? Who's brain's working on our data software?
Kevin Brown/K : Why don't you go grab us some coffee while I do this?
Agent J : Oh, sure thing. How do you take it? Black? Couple cubes of kiss-my-ass?
Kevin Brown/K : I don't know what's in there. I don't want you to get hurt. So step back.
Agent J : Kay, for real man, open the damn locker.
[Kay opens the locker to find a "town" of small creatures]
Grand Central Station Locker Creatures : K, he's back! The light giver! All hail K! All hail K! Oh K can you see by the dawn's early light...
Agent J : [looks inside the locker in disbelief] You are the man who would be king of the train locker.
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Jeebs : If I could have your attention while we go over the safety procedures. Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, and if at any point you become disoriented, there's nothin' we can do about it.
Jeebs : Now, have you removed all of your jewellery?
[K stares at him, saying nothing]
Jeebs : Are you allergic to shellfish?
Agent J : Jeebs!
Jeebs : Right then! Smoke 'em if you got 'em!
[Jeebs turns on and sets up his equipment]
Agent J : You ever used this thing before?
Jeebs : I used the exhaust once to make some hot-air popcorn, that's about it.
[K turns his head to look at Jeebs, startled]
Jeebs : OK! Let's make it happen, Cap'n!
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Jarra : Hello, Jay. Long time.
Agent J : Jarra! What's up, man? Wow, you look great! What's it been? Five years?
Jarra : And forty-two days, thanks to you. You count every one when you're locked away like a primate.
Agent J : Well, you shouldn't have been trying to steal our ozone.
[to Laura, who is about to be launched into space]
Agent J : Be there in one minute, sweetie.
Jarra : [drops his robe to reveal he has made copies of himself] Over our dead titanium bodies.
Agent J : Two minutes.
[Jarra's copies attack Jay]
Agent J : Uh, let's play this one by ear.
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Agent J : Would somebody PLEASE explain to me why I have a dead Tricranosloth going through Passport Control?
MIB Autopsy Agent : That would be my fault, sir. I'm very sorry, sir. Please don't neuralize me, sir!
Agent J : Wha' the hell's that supposed to mean?
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Agent J : [Looking at the picture of K and the pizza guy] All right. You're pointing at something.
[looks around]
Agent J : Excuse me.
[notices an astronaut picture]
Agent J : The astronaut.
[goes to the astronaut picture]
Agent K : [notices a key hanging where the picture points] Jay?
Agent J : [looks at the astronaut picture] Alright, now he's pointing. He like, he like.
[goes to the ovens, seeing pizza boxes stacked like a diamond shape]
Agent J : Who would stack pizza boxes like this? A pizza box stacker who is not stacking pizza boxes; he's leaving clues. It's an arrow.
Agent K : Jay...
Agent J : You're slowing me down slick. Whatever we're looking for is in these cabinets right here!
[opens up the cabinets and takes out a can of anchovies]
Agent J : Anchovy fillets in virgin olive oil!
Agent K : [looks at the can of anchovies dubiously and takes the key] I hope I'm not slowing you down.
Agent J : Good work, partner.
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Agent J : Whoo! Flushed! Yeah, man, back when you was an agent, you used to love gettin' flushed. Yeah, every Saturday night, you'd be like "flush me, J! Flush me!" and I'd be like "Naw... " You can't quit on me now, K.
Kevin Brown/K : I save the world, you tell me why I stare at the stars.
Agent J : Cool.
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Frank the Pug : How about we do the good cop, bad cop routine? You can interrogate the witness, and I growl. Grrrrr...
Agent J : Aww, naw wait, how about we do the good cop, dumb dog thing, and you just shut up?
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Agent J : Didn't your mother ever give you a Gameboy?
Kevin Brown/K : WHAT is a Gameboy?
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[K is taking potshots at Jeff using small Pistol-like weapon]
Agent J : Might I suggest a bigger gun?
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Kevin Brown/K : [shows a self-portrait with a UFO in the background] Look at that, weird huh?
Agent J : [hands it back] Yeah, you're smiling.
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Agent J : [leading Kay into a room] The tech unit. The most advanced technologies from all over the universe are in this room.
Kevin Brown/K : What's this?
[Pokes his finger into a suspended sphere of water]
Tiny Alien : [a massive finger is looming out of the sky] All is lost! All is lost!
Agent J : Don't touch that!
Kevin Brown/K : [takes his finger off the sphere] I didn't do anything.
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Agent J : [Removes neuralizer from his pocket] I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to...
Laura : Kill me?
Agent J : No, just as little flash and everything goes back to the way it was.
Laura : After you flash me, if I see you again will I know it's you?
Agent J : I'll see you, but you won't see me.
Laura : Must be hard. Must be very lonely.
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Agent J : [walks up to K, who is now the postmaster of Turro, Massachusetts at a post office; K's name tag reads "Kevin Brown"] '' Kevin. Heh. Wow. Kevin. That's funny. You just don't have a "Kevin"... You don't remember me, but we used to work together.
Kevin Brown/K : I never worked in a funeral home. Something I can do for you, Slick?
Agent J : Okay. Straight to the point.
[whispers in a serious voice]
Agent J : You are a former agent of a top-secret organization that monitors extraterrestrials on Earth. We're the Men in Black. We have a situation, and we need your help.
Kevin Brown/K : There's a free mental health clinic at the corner of Lilac and East Valley. Next!
Young Girl at Post Office : Excuse me.
Agent J : Hey.
Young Girl at Post Office : 20 Rugrats stamps, please.
Kevin Brown/K : Elizabeth. The United States Postal Service hasn't quite kept up with today's youth, but I can offer you some Berlin airlift stamps.
Young Girl at Post Office : No.
Kevin Brown/K : Opera legends?
Young Girl at Post Office : No.
Kevin Brown/K : American Samoa?
Young Girl at Post Office : No.
Kevin Brown/K : Amish quilts?
Young Girl at Post Office : No.
Agent J : [moves Elizabeth over] I'm sorry, sweetie. Got a world to save here.
[turns back to K]
Agent J : There was no coma. It was all a cover-up.
Kevin Brown/K : Who are you?
Agent J : The question is, who are you?
Kevin Brown/K : I'm the postmaster of Truro, Massachusetts, and I'm ordering you to leave these premises.
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Agent J : Sweet dreams, big boy!
[jabs the tranquilizer into Jeff, only aggravating him. After a few moments time, J reloads the tranquilizer]
Agent J : Whoo! Sweet...
[is launched forward]
Agent J : dreeeeeeaaaaaaams...
[crashes through the back window of a subway car]
Agent J : ... big boy. Transit authority people! Please move to the forward car, we got a bug in the electrical system!
[passengers ignore him]
Agent J : Yo! People! We got a bug in the electrical system!
[Jeff bites off a large portion of the subway car, and the passengers start running to the front]
Agent J : Oh, now y'all runnin'? Now y'all... No, no, no! Sit down! Sit down! It's only a 600-foot worm!
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[Frank is wearing his very own MIB suit]
Frank the Pug : J! Wait up! I appreciate this shot man. Thought I'd never get out of that mailroom.
Agent J : Lose the suit!
Frank the Pug : Sure thing partner. No problemo. Just going for the look. But if I say so myself, I do find the overall effect very slimming!
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Agent K : Kid?
Agent J : Yeah.
Agent K : Thanks for bringing me back.
Agent J : No problem.
[about Laura being Princess Laurana's daughter]
Agent J : Why didn't you tell me?
Agent K : Would you have let her go?
[they blast Seerlena out of the sky with their space guns]
Agent J : So what's it like on the outside? Not doing this every day?
Agent K : It's nice. Sleep late on the weekends. Watch the Weather Channel. I did miss this city.
Agent J : So Laura is Princess Laurana's daughter. Did y'all...
Agent K : MIB's a mess. Let's go, kid.
Agent J : Let's go? Thousands of people in New York and New Jersey just saw our little event. Plan needs to be thought out. Plan needs to be cool.
[K puts on his sunglasses]
Agent J : What you...?
[as he puts on his sunglasses, K activates a giant neuralyzer in the torch of the Statue of Liberty]
Agent K : Kid, I'll get you trained yet.
Agent J : I want one of those.
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Agent J : Nothing fancy, no heroics, by the book this time.
Agent T : Got it. Hey!
Agent J : Ooh. Uh, hey, Jeff, what's happening, buddy? We were just wondering what you were doing.
Agent T : The man's talking to ya!
Agent J : Uh, you know our arrangements, Jeff. You don't travel outside of the E, F, and R subway lines, in exchange, you get to eat all the inorganic garbage that you want.
Agent T : What the hell are you doing here, worm boy?
Agent J : Uh, T... Jeff, excuse my partner. He's new and he's...
[Jeff attacks T]
Agent J : ... kinda stupid.
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Agent Kay : [after saving J from an alien ambush] Looks like you were in a pretty tight spot, kid.
Agent J : I had this one handled.
Agent Kay : You need a partner.
Agent J : I had one; job got too tough for him.
Agent Kay : I'm back. You got some dust on your coat.
Agent J : So, you got your memory back.
Agent Kay : Yes.
Agent J : What the hell's going on?
Agent Kay : Don't know.
Agent J : Okay, what is the Light of Zartha?
Agent Kay : Never heard of it.
Agent J : Cool.
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Agent J : [leaving the subway after neuralyzing a group of train passengers that were on a train that Jeff ate] I need a containment crew at the subway station at 81st Street. Revoke Jeff's movement privileges immediately. Have a team escort him back to the subway. And would someone *please* check the expiration date on the Unipod worm tranquilizers?
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Agent J : Am I supposed to take advice on love from a dude that chases his own ass?
Frank the Pug : Easy, pal. That's canine profiling, and I resent it.
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Agent J : [after seeing the Grand Central Station locker creatures' "large adult entertainment section"] That's just nasty.
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Agent J : Breach! We're being flushed.
Kevin Brown/K : Flushed?
Agent J : Yep. Ever been to a water park?
Kevin Brown/K : I don't know.
[stars holding his breath, water comes in, and Kay holds it's breath]
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[J tangles with Serleena's tentacles]
Agent J : I'm about to lay the smackdown on your candy-ass!
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Agent J : [to K] You never sent it off the planet. It's still here.
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Kevin Brown/K : [J Arrives at a Post Office] Good people of Truro, Massachusetts, may I kindly have your attention? In order to facilitate your shipping needs, I'd like to remind you that all packages must be properly wrapped.
[Holds up a wrapped box]
Kevin Brown/K : This one is an example of "Go home and do it again." I think you know what I mean, Mrs. Vigushin. Brown paper and triple-twist twine are the preferred media. Thank you for your time.
Agent J : [Coming up to the counter] K.
Kevin Brown/K : C. Express mail, two-day air.
Agent J : [Looking at K's name tag] Kevin? Kevin, that's funny. You don't have a "Kevin".
[K looks at J blindly]
Agent J : You don't remember, but we worked together.
Kevin Brown/K : I never worked at a funeral home. Something I can do for you, slick?
Agent J : Okay, uh, straight to the point. You were a former agent of a top-secret organization that monitors extraterrestrials on Earth. We are the Men In Black, we have a situation, and we need your help.
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Agent J : I'm Agent Jay. Why don't you tell me exactly what you saw?
Laura : I saw a two-headed guy and a woman in leather.
Agent J : Caucasian?
Laura : Gray, with tentacles that were coming out of her hands and she used them to rip...
Agent J : This skin off of his body. Actually, it's not skin. It's a protoplasma polymer similar to the chemical makeup of the gum you find in baseball cards. What was the last thing you ate pryor to the incident?
Laura : Calzone.
Agent J : What time?
Laura : Lunch.
Agent J : Spinach?
Laura : Mushroom.
Agent J : Hm. You need pie.
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Agent J : Stay!
Frank the Pug : Listen, partner. I may look like a dog, but I only play one here on Earth.
Agent J : OK, wipe your mouth.
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Agent Kay : [he, J, and the worms have arrived at MIB headquarters to rescue Laura] Get to the launch pad on the roof. The bracelet shows the departure point. And no matter what happens, do not come back for me. That's an order.
Agent J : What do you mean?
Agent Kay : Do not come back for me.
Agent J : Worm guys, give me some cover fire.
Worms : Too scared. Can't move.
