There's Something About Mary (1998)

Ben Stiller: Ted

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Quotes 

• Hitchhiker : You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?

  Ted : Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.

  Hitchhiker : Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs.

  Ted : Right. Yes. OK, all right. I see where you're going.

  Hitchhiker : Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?

  Ted : I would go for the 7.

  Hitchhiker : Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.

  Ted : You guarantee it? That's - how do you do that?

  Hitchhiker : If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B".

  Ted : That's right. That's - that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?

  [Hitchhiker convulses] 

  Hitchhiker : No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.

  Ted : That - good point.

  Hitchhiker : 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 dwarves. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.

  Ted : Why?

  Hitchhiker : 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!

• [at the police station] 

  Ted : Look, I didn't solicit any sex, OK? This is a huge misunderstanding. I was really going out to pee, I was walking to the bushes, I tripped over this guy - and suddenly all those cops and their helicopters...

  Detective Stabler : Ted, Ted, it's OK, we believe you. The problem is we found your friend in the car.

  [Detective Stabler refers to the dead body found in Ted's car, which unbeknown to Ted was left by the hitchhiker. Ted has no idea about the body. He thinks the police is going to charge him with giving a ride to hitchhiker, as the hitchhiker told him it was a felony in that state] 

  Ted : [smiles]  Oh, the hitchhiker? That's what this is about, the hitchhiker? Oh, oh, great. This is my luck - I get caught for everything.

  Detective Krevoy : [pats strongly on Ted's shoulder]  So... you admit it?

  Ted : Ah, yeah, guilty as charged. Look, I know you guys got a job to do, alright? And I'm really sorry. I did it, I admit it. You know, the guy even told me, the hitchhiker told me it was illegal.

  Detective Krevoy : Well, uh, can you tell us his name?

  Ted : Ah... no, I didn't catch it. Can we cut to the chase, I mean, am I like in a lot of trouble here?

  Detective Stabler : [nods]  First tell us why you did it.

  Ted : Why I did it? Ah... I don't know. Boredom? The guy turned to be a blubber mouth who just would not shut up.

  Detective Krevoy : [trying to control himself]  Ted, this wasn't your first time, was it?

  Ted : No.

  Detective Krevoy : How many are we talking here?

  Ted : [confused]  Hitchhikers? My whole life? Ah... I don't know - twenty-five, fifty... I mean, who keeps track? Hey, you know, I know this is the Bible Belt and everything, but where I come from this is not that big deal, I mean...

  Detective Krevoy : You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry!

  [exploding in rage due to Ted's seemingly indifference to murder, detective Krevoy roars, grabs Ted by his shirt and repeatedly slams his head against the desk. Ted yells in pain] 

  Detective Stabler : Take it easy! Calm down!

  [Stabler manages to separate between Krevoy and Ted. Ted falls backward on the floor] 

  Detective Stabler : [to Krevoy]  Are you OK?

  Ted : [to Krevoy]  What the hell is wrong with you?

• Ted : Japan? What's she doing in Japan?

  Pat Healy : Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too.

  Ted : What, are they desperate? She's a whale!

  Pat Healy : You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.

• [after Mary addresses Ted by name] 

  Ted : I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

• Ted : Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times?

  Mary : Didn't we just do that?

  Ted : Oh, uh...

  Mary : I'm fucking with you, Ted!

• Ted : [referring to the zipper incident]  I never told you that.

  Dom : Well Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away.

• [When Ted gets his genitals stuck in the zippers] 

  Charlie Jensen : Is it the frank or the beans?

  Ted : I don't know, both I guess.

  Warren : [from outside]  Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans!

• Ted : I think I still want to look her up.

  Pat Healy : Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts?

  Ted : You said she was a real sparkplug.

  Pat Healy : No, I said buttplug. She's heinous.

• Dom : You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why?

  Ted : Cause I'm tired...

  Dom : Wrong! It's 'cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will fuck you're head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually... you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.

• [Ted has just learned that Dom was Mary's high school boyfriend, for a short time, but now Dom wants to get Mary back for himself] 

  Ted : But you're married! You have a wife, beautiful kids!

  Dom : [rolls his eyes up to the ceiling]  Ted, if you love them so much, please, be my guest!

• [after Mary asks Ted to the prom] 

  Ted : [narrating]  From that point on, the guys looked at me in a completely different light.

  High School Pal Bob : You're a fuckin' liar!

• Ted : What about Brett Fav... ruh?

• Mary : Did you really mean what you said up there?

  Ted : Uh-huh. I just want you to be happy Mary.

  Mary : But I'd be happiest with you.

  Ted : You're fucking with me, right?

  [Shakes her head, while smiling] 

  Ted : What about Brett Favv-ruh?

  Mary : What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan.

  [Ted laughd, then blows out a breath while walking towards Mary, and then they kiss] 

• Ted : So you're moving down to Miami?

  Pat Healy : I accepted a job offer.

  Ted : With who?

  Pat Healy : With... uh... Rice-a-Roni.

  Ted : Isn't that the San Francisco treat?

  Pat Healy : It *was*. They're changing their image.

• [while Mary's suitors are quarreling, Brett Favre comes into the room, giving Warren a piggyback ride] 

  Brett Favre : Hi, Mary!

  Mary : [astonished]  Brett?

  Pat Healy : What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?

  Brett Favre : I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb-ass.

  Ted : Yeah, I called him, Mary. I told him to pick up Warren and get down here. See, your friend Tucker was lying about a couple of other things.

  [Norm, Dom and Pat ease over to the window, apparently afraid of Brett Favre] 

  Ted : Brett never said those bad things about Warren. He loves Warren. And from what he told me on the phone just now, he loves you, too. He's the guy you should be with.

• Ted : He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time!

• Ted : See... that's great. That's what I want. A family and somebody to... you know... it must be wonderful having all this.

  Dom : Each day is better than the next.

• Norm : How the hell do you think I got rid of the last guy, Brett?

  Ted : Wait, Brett? Are you saying that Brett didn't say those things about Warren?

  Norm : Are you shittin' me? Mr. Goody-Two shoes? He was like an Eagle Scout. Wait a minute, you two should be kissing my fucking hairy bean bag, you know cuz if it wasn't for me she might of married that schmuck.

  Ted : I feel sick. Both of you are just... I'm out of here.

• Pat Healy : What, you think yer shit don't stink?

  Ted : No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...

• Ted : I say they should put more meats on a stick, you know? They got a lot of sweets on sticks-popsicles, fudgesicles, lollipops - but hardly any meat.

  Mary : I agree there should be more.

  Ted : You know what I'd like to see? Meat in a cone. You could put corned beef hash in a cone, or chopped liver.

• Mary : Hey, you want to go upstairs and watch SportsCenter?

  Ted : No, I think I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead.

  Mary : You're not that far ahead, Ted.

• Ted : I had my window?

• [first lines] 

  Ted : [voice over]  When I was 16 years old, I fell in love.