That '70s Show (1998–2006)

Danny Masterson: Steven Hyde

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Quotes 

• Red Forman : [to Eric]  So, this is how an immature, engaged, high school dumbass, with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.

  Steven Hyde : That was like eight burns in one sentence.

  Donna Pinciotti : An octo-burn. Let's get outta here.

• Steven Hyde : Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.

  Michael Kelso : I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.

  [everyone looks at him] 

  Michael Kelso : Naked! That's the way God intended.

  Jackie Burkhardt : No way.

  Michael Kelso : Why not? It'd be fun.

  Donna Pinciotti : Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.

  Eric : So, you don't want to do it?

  Donna Pinciotti : Well... I don't care. I'll do it.

  Eric : You... Okay, I'm in.

  Fez : Naked is dirty.

  [singing] 

  Fez : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

  All : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

  Jackie Burkhardt : [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked]  This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!

  Steven Hyde : By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.

  Fez : Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?

  All : No!

  Eric : Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.

  Steven Hyde : We can go to my house.

  Michael Kelso : Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.

  Steven Hyde : She's not even home, you moron!

  [Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder] 

  Fez : Put on the top forty.

  [Fez reaches over for the radio] 

  Steven Hyde : Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!

  Fez : Well, what do you want me to do about it?

  Steven Hyde : I don't know. Tuck it in!

• Michael Kelso : Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!

  Steven Hyde : Anyone with a quarter?

  Michael Kelso : Me!

  Fez : Damn, and I had a quarter!

• Fez : I have a question Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?

  Steven Hyde : There's no such thing as too much, Fez.

• Steven Hyde : [admitting to Jackie, after years of saying that he hated her]  I love you.

• Jackie Burkhardt : Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.

  Eric : Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.

  Donna Pinciotti : Me too.

  Steven Hyde : Hear hear.

  Fez : Yes.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?

  [Everyone nods] 

  Jackie Burkhardt : I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.

  Steven Hyde : ...We all hate Laurie, all right.

• Fez : I am so excited about Star Whores.

  Steven Hyde : Fezzy, man... Star Wars.

  Fez : Screw that.

• [the guys are high in Eric's basement] 

  Steven Hyde : I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.

  Michael Kelso : I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about.

  Eric : Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it.

• Fez : Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?

  Eric : I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.

  Steven Hyde : How long have you two been planning that line out?

  Eric : For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.

• Michael Kelso : I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.

  Donna Pinciotti : Um, that's not how evolution works.

  Michael Kelso : Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.

  Steven Hyde : Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

• [Jackie is beating up Laurie after one insult too many] 

  Donna Pinciotti : Whatever happened to Zen?

  Steven Hyde : Where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins.

• Jackie Burkhardt : You're coming over to my house tonight. And we're gonna... "study".

  Michael Kelso : Come on. I never get to do anything fun.

  Steven Hyde : God, you're dumb.

  Michael Kelso : Well I guess that's why I gotta go "STUDY".

• [Donna reads Hyde's elementary school profile] 

  Donna Pinciotti : Steven is destined to be one of the smartest people...

  Steven Hyde : Nice.

  Donna Pinciotti : ?in his cellblock.

• [Steven hits Jackie's new boyfriend because he calls her a bitch] 

  Jackie Burkhardt : Steven, what happened?

  Steven Hyde : What? Nothing... just... somebody and then... the guy said 'bitch' and there's nothing.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, my God. He called me a bitch and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?

  Steven Hyde : ...No?

  Jackie Burkhardt : Liar. I AM the bitch. And you LOVE me.

• Steven Hyde : I knew hooking up with Jackie was a big mistake but I did it anyway. That's what she does, man. She makes you stupid. I bet Kelso was composing symphonies before he met her.

• Fez : Poor Hyde. You are in love with Donna and she's with your good friend Eric.

  Steven Hyde : So what?

  Fez : So it's the saddest story in the world.

  Steven Hyde : You know what? I had a chance, and I didn't take it.

• Donna Pinciotti : Do you think Eric could cheat on me with Shelley?

  Michael Kelso : Donna, Shelley's a tramp. No guy could ever turn down a tramp.

  Donna Pinciotti : Oh, my god. Is that true?

  Steven Hyde : I don't know. Let's find out. Laurie, have you ever been turned down?

  Laurie Forman : No.

  Steven Hyde : See?

• Red Forman : What the hell happened?

  Steven Hyde : Eric made out with Laurie's friend.

  Red Forman : Anything else?

  Fez : Your son is a whore.

• Kelso : Guys - I just saw a UFO!

  Steven Hyde : What an unbelievable coincidence! I was just telling Fez about how dumb you are!

• Steven Hyde : [drawing a correlation with Kelso thinking he saw a UFO]  Kelso, do you remember that time you thought you saw the abominable snowman?

  Kelso : Yeah...

  Steven Hyde : And what did it turn out to be?

  Kelso : [not getting Hyde's point]  Just a regular snowman...

• Leo : Hey man, you missed your shift at the Photo Hut. You better have a damn good excuse.

  Steven Hyde : I got busted.

  Leo : Damn. That's a good excuse.

• Steven Hyde : You know what your problem is? You're really cute, but nobody ever told you to shut your piehole.

  Jackie Burkhardt : You think I'm cute?

  Steven Hyde : SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE.

• Michael Kelso : Guys, I was making out with Pam Macy in the orchestra pit. And... the worst thing that could happen to a guy happened.

  Fez : Ohhhh. Mr. Cooper came in to wash the floors?

  Michael Kelso : No.

  Steven Hyde : Fez, I think what Kelso meant to say was... the rabbit wouldn't come out of his hat.

  Eric : The weasel wouldn't pop out.

  Michael Kelso : OK, ENOUGH.

  Eric : Oh, wait. There's a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.

  Steven Hyde : That's a good one Forman.

  Eric : I know, it just came to me.

  Fez : Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants.

  Michael Kelso : This can't be happening to me.

  Fez : Oh, don't worry Kelso. I'm really sorry... SORRY YOU'RE NOT A MAN.

• Michael Kelso : Hey guys, guess what I got?

  Steven Hyde : VD?

  Michael Kelso : No. A hundred bucks.

  Eric : So money to treat your VD.

• Michael Kelso : Laurie... yeah, me and her really had something, huh?

  Steven Hyde : Yeah, ointment took care of that though, right?

• Leo : I saw a UFO once, man. It was just hanging there in the sky. Then it sent me a message, in big bright yellow letters. I told me I was gonna have a good year.

  Steven Hyde : Leo, was this UFO at a football game?

  Leo : Yeah, man! And the weird thing was, I was the only one freaking out about it!

  [Hyde, Fez, and Kelso start to laugh] 

  Leo : Wait a minute. Good year? It was a terrible year, man!

• Eric : Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower.

  Fez : This is the proudest moment of my life.

  Steven Hyde : It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger.

  Michael Kelso : Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art.

• Fez : Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?

  Steven Hyde : Well, the beer is stronger. And as a result, their women look prettier.

  Fez : Then let's HAUL ASS TO CANADA.

• [Leo just fired Fez from the PhotoHut] 

  Fez : But how am I supposed to pay for my shoes?

  Leo : Just do what I do, man. Take money from the register when the boss isn't looking.

  Steven Hyde : Leo... Once again... You are the boss.

  Leo : And, I'm not looking.

  [Hyde gives Fez the money] 

• Steven Hyde : I got busted for possession.

  Leo : Join the club.

  Steven Hyde : Yeah, thanks.

  Leo : No, I mean join the club, man. We meet every Thursday. We're trying to raise money for a field trip to Amsterdam.

• Eric : [they're driving Kelso's cousin's car]  Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?

  Michael Kelso : Maybe he's, like, religious.

  Steven Hyde : Didn't Sully get imprisoned for arson?

  Michael Kelso : Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God too, Hyde.

  Steven Hyde : Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo"?

  Fez : Sully must love bingo.

  Eric : All right. I'm starting to think this isn't Sully's car.

  Michael Kelso : Then who's car is it?

  [police siren wails] 

• Jackie Burkhardt : Steven, do I really disgust you?

  Steven Hyde : No. I disgust me because I'm supposed to be disgusted by you but I'm not.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Me too! I mean, I like how scruffy you are.

  Steven Hyde : Of course you do.

• Jackie Burkhardt : Oh my god. He called me a bitch, and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?

  Steven Hyde : No.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Liar. I am the bitch. And you love me.

• Eric : So Donna says David and her are just good friends. And if I don't believe that, um, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her.

  Fez : Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean, they look so nice together.

  Steven Hyde : See, this is why your country lost the war.

  Fez : My country never fought a war.

  Steven Hyde : Yeah, big surprise.

• Steven Hyde : That's the price you pay for docking your Love Boat in Jackie Vallarta.

• Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, my god. You all hate Laurie?

  [the gang nods] 

  Jackie Burkhardt : I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.

  Steven Hyde : ...We all hate Laurie, all right.

• [Michael on Eric] 

  Michael Kelso : How dumb was he to give me the car keys? I mean, who in here trusts me?

  Fez : Not me.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Not me.

  Steven Hyde : Not me, man.

  Michael Kelso : Thank you.

• Steven Hyde : [to Donna]  You know what's gonne make you feel better? A scrawny little neighbor boy.

• Steven Hyde : Hey Foreman, do you have any naked pictures of your Grandma?

  Eric : No.

  Steven Hyde : Ha ha. You do now.

• Steven Hyde : I've been living in the basement.

  Eric : You know? I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor. I just wrote if off to my changing teenage body.

• Fez : Hey, guys. I was just showing Caroline the backseat of my Vista Cruiser.

  Steven Hyde : Fez, that's not your car.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Yeah, Fez. Foreigners aren't allowed to drive cars in this country, unless it's a cab.

• Steven Hyde : Hold on, Kelso. Suddenly, you're too mature to go cruising for chicks with us, and you're going to the mall with Jackie?

  Michael Kelso : Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, I've come to realize that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with.

  Eric : Today?

• Steven Hyde : Pimp gave you the holiday off, huh?

  Laurie Forman : Yeah, he replaced me with your mom.

• Steven Hyde : [about Kelso's shirt being in Laurie's room]  Say, how'd THAT get there?

  Michael Kelso : [trying to cover his affair with Laurie]  That's funny. No - This isn't even mine! Yeah, this must be ERIC'S shirt.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Your mom sewed your name in it, Michael.

  Michael Kelso : Man, Eric's going to be pissed, huh? Yeah, 'cause I borrowed Eric's shirt 'cause mine wasn't working right. And then my mom must've sewed my name in it.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Hum, I don't know, Michael...

  Michael Kelso : Jackie, if I were lying I'd come up with a lot better lie than that.

  Steven Hyde : Yeah, you'd think so.

• Michael Kelso : [Michael arrives at the door to pick up Laurie for a date]  Hello, Mrs. Forman. I'm here to pick up your daughter for our date.

  Steven Hyde : Man, you're dating Laurie?... That's not "going where no man has gone before"; that's going where *every* man has gone before.

  Kitty Forman : Steven, it's not nice to be so... truthful.

• [the guys go to a wrestling match] 

  Steven Hyde : Hey, can we get a move on? If I miss that 20 midget free for all, I'm gonna be super-pissed.

• [Red groans] 

  Eric : Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male of the herd grunt his displeasure. But what does it mean?

  Steven Hyde : The grunting indicates aggression, Jim.

  Eric : Ah.

  Red Forman : Idiots.

• Steven Hyde : Looks like Shelley has a thing for Foreman.

  Fez : Yes, and Foreman has a thing for Shelley. And it's in his pants.

• Steven Hyde : Hey, Red. You have to sign this card for me.

  Red Forman : It says you're failing gym.

  Steven Hyde : Yeah.

  Red Forman : Why the hell are you failing gym?

  Steven Hyde : Because I wouldn't wear shorts?

  Red Forman : Why not?

  Steven Hyde : Would you wear shorts?

  [Red signs the card] 

• Steven Hyde : Look man, I gotta talk to you about some things that happened while you were gone this summer.

  Michael Kelso : Hyde, if this isn't about free ice cream, naked volleyball or a dog wearing a hat and sunglasses, I'd rather not know.

• Pastor Dave : Now, kids, you may think that God is a downer. But, he's an upper. Some get high on L.S.D., but I get high on G.O.D...

  Steven Hyde : [coughs]  Virgin.

• Steven Hyde : Would you shut up about that lame ass story?

  Michael Kelso : Well, it's the truth and I'll prove it. Let's go ask Fez.

  Steven Hyde : Fine.

  Michael Kelso : You drive, my van's in the shop.

  Steven Hyde : Fine. I need gas though.

  Michael Kelso : Fine. Can I borrow money for fries?

  Steven Hyde : No.

  Michael Kelso : Fine. Shotgun.

  Steven Hyde : There's only two of us you moron.

  Michael Kelso : Fine.

• Steven Hyde : Forman's first suspension... I'm so proud.

  Michael Kelso : Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended?

  Donna Pinciotti : Because he's stupid.

  Michael Kelso : [terrified]  They can do that?

• Steven Hyde : Think about it, a world full of Kelsos. Libraries will fall into disrepair, there'd be feathered hair as far as the eye could see, we'll have to put padding on every sharp corner.

• Steven Hyde : My heart aches with pain. When I see you, I vomit. Die away from me.

• Red Forman : Why am I doing this?

  Kitty Forman : Because I want to force some good cheer into your clogged arteries and into your cranky heart.

  Steven Hyde : Yeah, it's like Christmas Drano.

• Steven Hyde : So there it is. The clown's back. Everyone is happy and nobody went to jail. What a waste of time.

• Michael Kelso : I miss Jackie, I can't eat, I can't sleep, well i can eat but...

  [begins to cry] 

  Fez : [stares at kelso] 

  Steven Hyde : [stares at kelso] 

  Eric : [stares at kelso]  Hey, what did we say, no crying in the circle

  Michael Kelso : I can't help it.

  Michael Kelso : I need to tell her i didnt mean to cheat on her and that im sorry. I know, I'll write her a song

  Michael Kelso : [begins to play ukelae, really badly while singing] 

  Steven Hyde : Hey I kno how you can start it.

  [begins to sing] 

  Steven Hyde : You don't love me anymore, caught me cheatin' with a whore. See cuz Laurie's the whore

  Eric : My sister is such a whore

  [begins to giggle] 

  Michael Kelso : [glares at hyde] 

• Steven Hyde : At parties like this Fez, you collect the leftovers of all the unfinished drinks, and combine them to form on giant, uber-drink. In this case,a Tom Wallbanger Bloody Sunrise on the Beach.

• Steven Hyde : Jackie, I am really, really sorry and I'll never do it again.

  Jackie Burkhardt : [Jackie looks at him with tears in her eyes]  You know, that's just what Michael used to say.

• Michael Kelso : Jackie, when you told me to be honest, I decided that I'm gonna be completely honest. I'm going to tell you the truth about everything I've ever lied to you about. I have a list that Hyde helped me put together. Thanks again, Hyde.

  Steven Hyde : [grinning]  No problem, buddy.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Ok, but, why are they here?

  Michael Kelso : Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out, that it's not completely honest, unless your friends are allowed to watch.

• Jackie Burkhardt : I want Michael to give me that stupid promise ring.

  Fez : Look, Jackie, Kelso is very sensitive.

  Steven Hyde : Girlish, even.

  Fez : So, he just wants to wait for the right time to give it to you.

  Jackie Burkhardt : You know what, Fez? You're right. I'll give him time.

  [Kelso enters] 

  Jackie Burkhardt : WHERE'S MY RING, YOU IDIOT?

• [Jackie's dad got arrested] 

  Jackie Burkhardt : Steven. I can't believe it. Why can't you say anything to make me feel better?

  Steven Hyde : Ok, I'm sorry. Why don't you get your dad a couple of cartons of cigarettes. That way, he won't be anybody's wife.

  [Jackie starts leaving] 

  Steven Hyde : Jackie, come on. My mom said that to me when MY dad got arrested. I felt better, and we had a good laugh about it.

• Steven Hyde : Look, Forman, if you give Donna that ring, she'll see the girl inside of you. And, you don't want to wake Erica up.

  Michael Kelso : Yeah, Erica. That's classic. I'm lucky. You can't make a girl name out of Michael.

  Steven Hyde : Oh, really, Michelle?

  Michael Kelso : Damn it. I forgot about Michelle. But, you know what, Forman? You should get Donna that promise ring. I'm gonna give one to Jackie too.

  Eric : Thank you, Kelso. Let's go get them, right now.

  [Eric and Kelso start leaving] 

  Eric : See you later... Damn it. What's a girl name for Hyde?

  [Eric and Kelso start thinking] 

  Steven Hyde : It's Heidi, you morons.

• Steven Hyde : We got food, we got beer, we have zero percent adult supervision... welcome to Camp Naughty Bad Fun.

• Fez : Guys, Rhonda said she wanted to share something with me, tonight. That means we are going to do it.

  Steven Hyde : Nice.

  Fez : But, I have a problem. I have no place to do it in. I need someplace cheap and roomy... just like my Rhonda.

• Red Forman : Eric, if your mother wants you and Archie and Jughead to help her, then you'll help her.

  Michael Kelso : [to Steven]  You're Jughead.

  Steven Hyde : You're so Jughead, its not even debatable.

  Michael Kelso : You are so...

  [Steven punches Michael] 

  Red Forman : Steven, stop hitting Jughead.

• [the guys go to see 'Star Wars'] 

  Steven Hyde : Hey, Forman. This movie better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm gonna be super-pissed.

• Steven Hyde : Ma, I'm going to the prom.

  Edna Hyde : THEY'RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU.

  Steven Hyde : Gee, ma, you're making the moment too damn special.

• Steven Hyde : So, Bud, can we have a keg party here?

  Bud Hyde : Yeah... sure. I'm cool with it. That's me... cool dad...

  Michael Kelso : Yeah. Bud's the coolest.

  [high-fives Bud] 

  Eric : Yeah, Bud.

  [high-fives Bud] 

  Eric : Would you be my dad?

  [both laugh] 

  Eric : No, really.

  [both laugh] 

  Eric : No, I'm serious.

• [Everybody's going bowling] 

  Fez : Do I have to use the pink ladies' ball again?

  Steven Hyde : Fez, Fez, Fez. You know the answer to that question.

  Fez : [frustrated]  Pink ladies' ball until I lose my virginity.

• Coach Ferguson : Well, well. Mr. Hyde, in school after hours? What are you trying to establish an alibi?

  Steven Hyde : Coach Ferguson. Shouldn't you be out teaching boys to play with balls?

• Michael Kelso : Hey, guys, look! I have ten pound balls! That never gets old.

  Fez : Hey, guys! My balls are black and blue!

  Eric : Good one!

  Steven Hyde : Niiice!

  Michael Kelso : Funny.

  Fez : Wow. My balls are finally funny!

• Steven Hyde : Yeah, I'm going to go... bird watching with my girlfriend.

  Michael Kelso : Yeah, me and Jackie are going to go "BIRDWATCHING", too.

  [laughs and points at Red and Kitty] 

  Michael Kelso : It's cool 'cause they don't know what we're talking about.

  [Red and Kitty stare at him] 

  Steven Hyde : I think they cracked it.

• [about an attractive new cashier at Price Mart] 

  Steven Hyde : Forman, you have a responsibility to all of us. You have to find out what's under that smock.

  Michael Kelso : I bet it's boobs.

• Steven Hyde : Hey, Fez, do you happen to have my money?

  Fez : Actually, I do happen not to have your money.

  Steven Hyde : Oh, really? Well, until you do...

  [grabs candy away from Fez and starts eating it] 

  Fez : My candy... Oh, you'll get your money... IN HELL.

• Steven Hyde : Face it, Forman, Donna has bad taste. I mean, look at her dad. The apple doesn't fall far from the Bob.

• Eric : Everything costs money. Gas. Food. Parties. Fun.

  Michael Kelso : Dates. Dates cost money.

  Fez : No, Kelso, that is prostitution.

  Steven Hyde : No, Fez, dating IS prostitution. Only, you don't always get what you paid for.

• Donna Pinciotti : My parents are going to the Playboy mansion this weekend. Anybody want souvenirs?

  Steven Hyde : Ashtrays.

  Fez : A woman.

• Fez : Well, hello there, pretty lady. Who might you be?

  Donna Pinciotti : That's my sister. And, she's 14.

  Fez : You know, in my country...

  Steven Hyde : It's illegal here.

  Fez : Oh.

• Steven Hyde : Act tough, Forman.

  Eric : I'm not tough.

  Steven Hyde : That's why I said 'act.'

• [the guys are in Chicago] 

  Fez : People are so friendly around here. The women on the corner just offered to have sex with me.

  Steven Hyde : Yeah, for money Fez.

  Fez : I could not ask them for money... or could I?

• Fez : Kelso wants to give you the ring, but he's scared.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Why is he scared?

  Steven Hyde : Because you're scary.

• Michael Kelso : You're engaged?

  Eric : No.

  Steven Hyde : How could you give her that ring? You're in High School, and according to the SATs, that's about as far as you're gonna go.

• Steven Hyde : He's as dead as your Mayan forefathers.

  Fez : My forefathers were not Mayan.

  Steven Hyde : Like anyone cares.

• Red Forman : You know, Steven, you're a smart guy. You really should go to college. You're coming with us, this weekend.

  Steven Hyde : You don't trust me alone in the house, do you?

  Red Forman : See how smart you are?

• [the guys imitate Jackie] 

  Steven Hyde : Michael, call me later.

  Eric : Michael, do your Chico impression.

  Fez : Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you.

  [the guys stare at Fez] 

  Fez : ...please someone else talk now.

• [Hyde is trying to pull a vase off Kelso's hand] 

  Steven Hyde : Hey, this vase smells like chocolate.

  Michael Kelso : Really?

  [smells the vase and Hyde shoves it in his face] 

  Michael Kelso : Ow. STOP DOING THAT.

  Steven Hyde : GET SMARTER.

• [Everybody's playing "Horse" in the driveway. Kelso throws and misses] 

  Michael Kelso : Damn.

  Steven Hyde : Oh. Kelso misses another one. I believe it's already H-O-R.

  Fez : That's right. You are a whore.

• Fez : [making a crank call]  Hello, House of Chicken? How big are your wings?

  Steven Hyde : Breasts.

  Fez : Oh. How big are your breasts?

  [listens] 

  Fez : This is Fez. Who is this?

• Jackie Burkhardt : Maybe I do have feelings for Michael, but what am I supposed to do? He WAS my first boyfriend. And you know what? You're going to have to learn to deal with it, and if you can't, and you're going to have to break up with me because of it, I can't stop you. But I think it's a real waste because I love you.

  Steven Hyde : [long pause]  I'm not saying it back.

  Jackie Burkhardt : I DON'T CARE!

• Steven Hyde : Being Kelso is like knowing the truth behind all the deceptions in society, but not being able to convince any of your fellow suburban friends that anything's wrong, man. No wait, that's me.

• Steven Hyde : We need to do something that says "We're not gonna stand for a corrupt electoral system". Something that will leave a mark.

  Fez : Oh, I know. A bloody coup.

• [on women and sex] 

  Steven Hyde : Secretly, I think they want it more than we do.

  Eric : Oh, you and your crazy conspiracies.

• Steven Hyde : Oh, I see how it is. When things get ugly, all of a sudden I'm family.

  Laurie Forman : Not to me, you freak.

  Steven Hyde : [pause]  You are SO gonna wind up in porno.

• Steven Hyde : I'm not a conspiracy nut. My gym and shop teachers started that rumor to discredit me.

• Fez : That Tomas is shady. But have you noticed, he never says what country he's from?

  Steven Hyde : What country are you from?

  Fez : What country are YOU from?

  Steven Hyde : America.

  Fez : Fine, mystery solved.

• Donna Pinciotti : What are you doing?

  Michael Kelso : Jackie gave me this egg to take care of, so me and Hyde are throwing it back and forth.

  Donna Pinciotti : Look, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Jackie gave you that egg as a test. She's trying to see if you have any parenting skills.

  Michael Kelso : Oh, really? Hyde, better give that back.

  Steven Hyde : All right.

  [throws it, but it flies back and smashes against the wall] 

  Steven Hyde : Whoops. I mean, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

• Michael Kelso : I don't get Jackie. I mean, we were together for years, and the second I turn my back she off and frenches Hyde.

  Steven Hyde : And by turning your back you mean ditching her for two months to have sex with random beach trash?

  [pause] 

  Michael Kelso : Whatever, man. It's all about words with you.

• [at Prom] 

  Eric : I got a feeling I'm forgetting something...

  Steven Hyde : Looks like you got everything but a tall redhead.

  Eric : Yeah, what guy doesn't love a tall redhead oh my god I forgot Donna.

• [Jackie sneaks into the Forman's house] 

  Steven Hyde : I told you to look where you were going.

  Jackie Burkhardt : What idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?

  Eric : You knocked over my space command center?

• Steven Hyde : Not only did we break the law, we screwed our friends while breaking the law.

• Steven Hyde : School spirit is for losers man. You're just like floating along on the conveyer belt of conformity... pep rallies, extra curricular activities, washing your hair... It's all just a trap, man.

• Steven Hyde : Yeah, I never thought I'd be a working man, man. But man, here I am, working for the man. You know what man, I like it man.

  Leo : Hey, thanks man.

• [Michael and Laurie leave for a date] 

  Steven Hyde : No offense Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.

• [Midge left Bob] 

  Steven Hyde : Don't worry, Donna. I mean, my parents splitting up made me the man I am today.

  Donna Pinciotti : Aww, man. Am I gonna go crazy and think the government is out to get me, too?

  Steven Hyde : [angry]  The government IS out to get you.

• Red Forman : I say good riddance. That cat was always making a mess on my lawn and going through my garbage.

  Laurie Forman : Yeah. But now we have Hyde to do that.

  Steven Hyde : Oh yeah, Laurie? And what exactly do you do? Oh, yeah - the Packers.

• Steven Hyde : You know, Forman, you ought to write a book. "Things My Dad Threatened To Put Up My Ass"... "Chapter One: His Foot".

• [Kelso has just shot Hyde with his B.B. gun] 

  Steven Hyde : I'm gonna punish him the way my parents punish me.

  Eric : You're gonna leave him at the mall?

  Steven Hyde : No. I'm gonna milk this eye thing until he feels as bad as he should. And they didn't leave me at the mall. They forgot me. They were drunk.

• Steven Hyde : Hey Forman, did you realize that there's another room back there? Hey, and it barely stinks.

  Eric : Perfect. You can sit back there underneath your bare bulb and write angry letters to the government.

  Steven Hyde : Oh, don't think I won't.

• Eric : Extra. Extra. Read all about it.

  Steven Hyde : "Skinny Dillhole Talks Like An Idiot"?

• Michael Kelso : Hey. Guess who made out with Pam Macy behind the Gym.

  Steven Hyde : Everybody.

• Eric : I forgot my mom's birthday.

  Steven Hyde : Really? 'Cause I remembered your mom's birthday.

  Eric : If you remembered, then why didn't you tell me?

  Steven Hyde : How would that be funny?

• Bud Hyde : You look familiar. Do I know you?

  Steven Hyde : I sure hope so... Dad.

• Steven Hyde : You have to be aloof.

  Fez : Did you just call me a 'loof'? Because if so, I'll have to kick you in your nads.

  Steven Hyde : No man, aloof. Distant, zen...

  Fez : Well, that's not what a loof means in my language.

  Steven Hyde : Look, I don't care what you think it means. That's what it means here.

  Fez : You're the loof.

  Steven Hyde : Hey Fez...

  Fez : ...I SAID LOOF.

• [the guys plan to streak] 

  Steven Hyde : I'll write a really great slogan like, 'I Hate the Fuzz' on my ass.

  Fez : If you hate the fuzz on your ass, why don't you just shave it off?

• Steven Hyde : Well, Fez's play is about to start... which means we have three more hours without his sorry ass. Let's eat his candy.

• Steven Hyde : [about wearing a suit to a dinner party]  I'd rather put on a dress and slow-dance with Kelso on 'Soul Train'.

• Michael Kelso : Horror movies turn on chicks faster than porno.

  Steven Hyde : Really? Faster than that?

  Michael Kelso : Yeah. If only somebody would make a porno-horror movie.

• Fez : Don't you want to know what I have to say?

  Steven Hyde : Man, I never know what you have to say. I mean, in your head you're speaking English, but when it comes out its all buzzes and clicks.

• [the guys cheat at Bingo] 

  Steven Hyde : Kelso man, you're willing to cheat? You're in the house of the Lord. You're coming along nicely.

  Michael Kelso : Yeah, I mean it's not that bad, because technically we're only in the basement of the Lord, and I'll bet he never comes down here.

• Steven Hyde : I haven't done one stinking illegal thing since I got probation.

  Eric : What, so you're mad because you haven't been in any crimes since your last crime?

• [Hyde pulls a fire alarm] 

  Steven Hyde : I didn't do it to be nice. I did it because I wanted to commit a felony. Misdemeanors just ain't the rush that they used to be.

• Michael Kelso : Laurie is my girlfriend now, and I love her.

  Donna Pinciotti : No you don't.

  Michael Kelso : I like her.

  Steven Hyde : No you don't.

  Michael Kelso : I think she is okay. And the line between love and okay is fine, but the line between doin' it and not doin' it is NOT fine.

• Steven Hyde : Hey, Fez, listen to this.

  [reads from magazine] 

  Steven Hyde : Tight pants can show off a man's derriere and show a woman heaven. Also, an open shirt can expose a sexy chest and show an enormous 'Joie De Vivre'.

  Fez : Really? I always thought my 'Joie De Vivre' was in my pants.

• Steven Hyde : If you don't shut up, you'll be the first person to touch his chin to his ass.

  Fez : Have you been spying on me?

• Steven Hyde : [When Bob and Midge renew their wedding vows, Leo is supposed to be the photographer]  Hey Leo man, you all set?

  Leo : Totally, man, I got everything.

  Steven Hyde : Great. Where's the camera?

  Leo : I got everything but the camera... or the film... or the flashcubes. Hee, I got nothin' man.

  Steven Hyde : Leo man, the photohut is loaded with that stuff.

  Leo : I know, it's ironic, isn't it?

  Steven Hyde : And yet not surprising.

  [Hyde hands Leo a camera] 

• Donna Pinciotti : Laurie, are these your panties?

  Laurie Forman : Donna, please. I don't wear pink panties.

  Steven Hyde : Yeah, she'd have to wear panties to wear pink panties.

• Kitty Forman : Steven, if you keep saying things like that it's gonna be really hard for me to pretend I don't know what you're talking about.

  Steven Hyde : Well, then, I'll just leave because it's just too easy. Just like Laurie.

• Donna : So, you're really gonna be a cop.

  Steven Hyde : Well, he shot me, so we know he's good with guns.

• Roy : I moved in with a wonderful woman.

  Steven Hyde : Oh, what happened?

  Roy : She found out I was living there.

• Steven Hyde : Hey, Donna, you want some pie.

  Donna Pinciotti : No, I don't want any stupid pie.

  [Donna storms off] 

  Steven Hyde : Hey, I didn't kiss her.

• Steven Hyde : You're engaged. In Latin that means "screwed for life".

• Steven Hyde : [to Jackie]  But if I didn't know you... and I had *never* talked to you... I'd think you were totally hot.

• Bud Hyde : Well time flies when you're

  Steven Hyde : Drunk?

  Bud Hyde : Well I was gonna say having fun but whatever.

• Steven Hyde : You gotta be Bruce Springsteeny. Springsteenian. Springteenicious. What were we talking about?

• Steven Hyde : You should suspend me. I need a vacation.

• Steven Hyde : Yeah, you gotta stay sharp, man. That's why I keep myself pure 'til 3 o' clock...

  [checks arm] 

  Steven Hyde : Two o'clock. That's why I keep myself pure until two o'clock.

  [checks arm] 

  Steven Hyde : I'm not even wearing a watch.

• Steven Hyde : Well, in health class today, we learned that an early engagement is a sign of heavy drug use.

• Steven Hyde : Two girls in a phallic RV driving around handing out things you blow? What a great country.

• Steven Hyde : There is no gas shortage man. It's all fake. The oil companies control everything. Like there is this guy that invented this car and it runs on water man. It's got a fiberglass air-cooled engine and it runs on water.

• Steven Hyde : The three TRUE branches of the government are military, corporate and Hollywood.

• Ricky : So why do you want a job at Fatso Burger?

  Steven Hyde : To unionize the workers, man.

• Ricky : Where do you see yourself in five years?

  Steven Hyde : Prison.

• Red : Look at this. First day of deer season.

  Eric : Rabbit season.

  Steven Hyde : Duck season.

  Eric : Rabbit season.

  Steven Hyde : Duck seaon.

  Eric : Rabbit season

  Steven Hyde : Duck season.

• [Red complains about the neighbors' dog] 

  Red : That thing was always messing in my yard and going through my trash.

  Laurie Forman : Now we have Hyde for that.

  Steven Hyde : Oh yeah Laurie, and what exactly do you do? Oh that's right, the Packers.

• Steven Hyde : No, no, I'm not walking. If God had wanted us to walk he wouldn't have given us Foreman.

• Steven Hyde : What crawled up your butt?

  Eric : You and Jackie and then you started making out in there.

• Steven Hyde : If you really want to get under her skin you have to be Zen.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Zen? Okay you just can't make up words Hyde.

• Steven Hyde : Look man, if those jocks try to do this to you again, just come find me.

  Fez : Thanks. You're my best friend. Let's hold hands.

• Steven Hyde : So you wanna be a burn-out? Is that it?

  Jackie Burkhardt : No. No, Hyde. I just wanna be with you. I think you are one of the coolest and sweetest guys.

  Steven Hyde : No you don't.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Yes I do.

• Steven Hyde : Hey, if there wasn't some huge downside to doing something this stupid, it wouldn't be worth doing, ya know?

• Steven Hyde : Government pawns and missing limbs. That's amore.

• [Eric is trying to figure out what to do about David hitting on Donna] 

  Steven Hyde : You know, Forman, I'm a romantic. So I say you choke him 'til his eyes pop out!

  Kelso : Yeah. Hittin' people's cool.

• Fez : [singing]  Hyde and Jackie sitting in a tree, they're in love like two monkeys

  Steven Hyde : That's not even how it goes.

  Fez : Well, is it making you mad?

  Steven Hyde : Yes.

  Fez : Then, that's how it goes.

• Fez : [about Donna]  If we were in my country I'd string you from the tallest tree.

  Steven Hyde : We're not in your country.

  Fez : Right. So good luck with Donna.

• Fez : But if you don't tell Donna how you feel, then you will regret it.

  Steven Hyde : I'm going to the Vineyard.

  Fez : Good for you.

• Steven Hyde : Face it Forman, you're not a cheater... a wise man once said "know thyself" and that man was Tater Nuts!

• Jackie Burkhardt : Steven, do you really think we're a creepy, unnatural couple?

  Steven Hyde : Come on. It's a crazy question. I mean, if this relationship wasn't just a little bit creepy and unnatural I wouldn't be in it.

• Jackie Burkhardt : You know, Steven. This hatred thing you have for me, is just you protecting yourself.

  Steven Hyde : Okay.

  Jackie Burkhardt : It's true. You're afraid to reach the peaks of love, for fear of being dropped off a cliff. Well, I'm your safety line, Steven. So grab me.

  Steven Hyde : Go grab yourself, freak.

• Steven Hyde : It's hard hopping over a fence carrying two twelve packs. I mean, library books.

• Steven Hyde : Isn't it ironic that "titillating" has the word "tit" in it?

• Steven Hyde : Go ahead and hit me. A free shot.

  Kelso : You gonna hit me back?

  Steven Hyde : No, man. That's why they call it a free shot.

  Kelso : Oh. OK. Get ready. Here it comes. It's coming. Get ready.

  Fez : We're ready. Do it, fool.

• Steven Hyde : Think about it. We hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this.

• Steven Hyde : Donna, man, I feel like I want to kiss you.

  Donna : Shut up and dance.

• Eric : [after having sex with Donna]  Well, Donna and I are back together!

  Kitty Forman : Oh, good, did you two talk things out?

  Eric : Actually we... yeah, we talked things out.

  Steven Hyde : More like grunted.

  Eric : Shut up!

  Steven Hyde : [once Kitty leaves]  Okay man, give me all the details.

  Eric : Oh, there will be detail o'plenty, in my steamy letter to Penthouse.

  [Hyde smiles and nods] 

  Eric : And my mom's still here isn't she?

  [Hyde nods, Eric turns to see Kitty glaring at him] 

• Steven Hyde : If you ask me, UNICEF is a scam.

  Donna Pinciotti : If we ask you, everything is a scam.

  Steven Hyde : Everything is a scam.

• Steven Hyde : Let's see what your permanent record says about you, Jackie.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Go ahead. I have a perfect record.

  Steven Hyde : Does anybody want to know what Jackie's middle name is?

  [Jackie shrieks] 

  Steven Hyde : Jackie's middle name is...

  [Jackie starts attacking Hyde] 

  Jackie Burkhardt : I hate you! I hate you!

  [Hyde is lying on the floor; he slowly gets up] 

  Steven Hyde : Her middle name is Beula.

• Steven Hyde : [to Eric]  Oh man, see this is why I didn't wanna tell you. I knew you'd get all After School Special on me.

• Steven Hyde : Look, Jackie. I know you were worried before so I just wanna let you know nothing happened on my end this weekend. I'm not telling you that so you'll tell me what you did. I just wanna let you know what happened with me. That's my report to you.

  Jackie Burkhardt : All right. Good to know.

  Steven Hyde : Good to know?

  Jackie Burkhardt : Did I stutter?

• Steven Hyde : We could go to Chicago and peddle Fez's ass for beer.

  Fez : I'm game.

• Steven Hyde : Man you went to the free clinic?

  Kelso : No, but I saw your mom there. BURN.

  [Hyde hits him] 

  Kelso : OW. That left a mark. Like your mom did.

  [Hyde hits him again] 

• Steven Hyde : Eighteen sucks, man, no more free rides. I mean, if there's a war, I could get drafted.

  Leo : If there's a war, I'll see you in Canada.

• Steven Hyde : So if Donna ever breaks up with you, and starts dating me, are we still friends?

  Eric : No.

• Steven Hyde : [to Kitty]  Now stay away from those smokes, if you smoke when you're pregnant, they come out all spindly.

• Steven Hyde : I have got a solution to this whole you being a pain in my ass, we sharing a room thing. You move out.

  Eric : Of my room?

  Steven Hyde : Yeah.

  Eric : Well, uh, that's just not going to happen.

  Steven Hyde : Fine. I'll move out, you big baby.

  Eric : Still friends?

  Steven Hyde : I need time to heal.

• Steven Hyde : Look guys, we've gotta do something that says we will not pay homage to a corrupt electoral system.

• Steven Hyde : Look Foreman, I'll be in as much trouble as you are as soon as Edna sobers up.

• Leo : In real life, my kids split on me.

  Steven Hyde : Really? My parents split on me.

  Leo : Oh wow. Now we found each other. Hey, do you wanna be my father?

• Steven Hyde : Laurie's got great legs, and a fine rack, but she's a major skankoid. And you don't know where a girl like that has been.

• Laurie Forman : What about Hyde? Why doesn't HE have to go to church?

  Steven Hyde : While I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic, as well as the eastern philosophies and of course the teachings of Mohammed, I find that organized religion has corrupted those beliefs to justify countless atrocities throughout history. Were I to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite.

• Steven Hyde : [after repeatedly being denied entry into the club]  Hey, let me tell you something, pal! You're proppin' up a dyin' system, man! You know some day soon people are gonna wake up. And they're gonny realize that most of us don't fit in your Hollywood, Madison Avenue, candy-coated ideal of what's cool. And when we do, we're gonna rise up! We're gonna put you on trial! Then parade through the streets with your head on a stick!

  The Bouncer : Righteous political outrage... You're in!

  [opens the rope and let's him through] 

• Leo : [Leo and Hyde playing Battleships]  B3!

  Steven Hyde : Hit! Damn, you sank my battleship!

  Leo : You know a well-maintained fleet is the backbone of any military structure, and with your floating arsenal depleted, your troops are likely to suffer some serious collateral damage.

  Steven Hyde : [confused]  Huh...

  Leo : Hey, you know what, man? I think I might have been in the Navy!

• Fez : ["That 70s Show" 100 episode, the musical] 

  [singing] 

  Fez : Some people call me the space cowboy...

  Eric : No, nobody calls you like that. But if there were someone, then I'll be the space cowboy.

  Steven Hyde : Please, Forman, if there's any space cowboy in this group it's me, and I'm also the midnight toker!

• Kelso : Well maybe we should check the School Morgue.

  Steven Hyde : Kelso, the school doesn't HAVE a morgue.

  Kelso : So what do we pay all those taxes for?

  Steven Hyde : You know what kills me? You do better in school than I do.

• Steven Hyde : Kelso, women are like muffins, man. And once you've had a muffin, you will put up with ANYTHING to have another one. And they know that.

• Kelso : I'm not afraid either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.

  Steven Hyde : For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.

• Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, I understand. I mean, it's kind of like... it's kind of like setting your hair. If you don't wait long enough, it's totally flat and blah like Donna's. But if you wait just the right amount of time then it's perfect, like mine. Steven, are you even listening to me?

  Steven Hyde : God help me, I am.

• Jackie Burkhardt : Yeah, I got it... in the Ghetto.

  Steven Hyde : Jackie, there's no ghetto here. There's like that one house that needs to be painted.

• Jackie Burkhardt : Well, all the best quotes are about the things that means a lot to you, like for example me. My hair. Or my personality. Or the sparkle I bring to your dull, grey, lives.

  Steven Hyde : Or, the feeling of relief we get, when you leave the room.

• Steven Hyde : [about backward messages on rock records]  That's not the devil, it's Congress. They passed a law to put secret backward messages in our records, man. They wanna kill rock and roll because they know it makes us horny, man.

• Steven Hyde : [about Laurie]  She's not a "goddess", she's more an "earth-mother whore" type, which works for me.

• Steven Hyde : [on date with Jackie]  It's no worse than bowling. But I don't hate bowling.

• Steven Hyde : Let's face it Forman. You're soft.

  Donna Pinciotti : How soft is he, Hyde?

  Steven Hyde : Softer than Liberace at the Playboy mansion.

  [brief pause] 

  Kelso : Yeah. Because he plays the piano... wait...

  [Donna whispers in his ear] 

  Kelso : [to Eric]  OOOOH. BURN.

• Steven Hyde : Poor Forman, man. Working for Red. I wouldn't wish that on my enemies.

  Fez : I would. Those suckas must pay!

• [after Kelso suggests hitting a guy that's hitting on Donna] 

  Eric : I dunno. If I hit this guy, Donna's just gonna be pissed.

  Kelso : No, man. Chicks dig that stuff! I mean, Leia, right, she acted like she was mad at Han. But I could tell she liked him.

  Steven Hyde : Kelso, man, what are you, an idiot? Leia likes Luke, I mean she kissed him on that bridge!

  Kelso : Uh! Just for luck!

• Leo : I met God one time on a bus. He told me the meaning of life and gave me a pretzel.

  Steven Hyde : So, what's the meaning of life?

  Leo : ...I don't remember... but it was a pretty good pretzel.

• [Hyde puts the "stupid helmet" on Eric's head] 

  Eric : Ooooh, why do I have to wear the stupid helmet?

  Steven Hyde : Because you're stupid!

• Steven Hyde : Forman doesn't ever moon because it's impossible to moon when you have no ass.

• Steven Hyde : Kelso was right. *Everyone's* trying it.

  Red Forman : [holding a can of whipped cream]  I'm telling you, this stuff's just isn't for cakes. It's great all by itself.

  [sprays some in his mouth] 

  Red Forman : Wait, wait, wait.

  [sprays some on top of his head] 

  Red Forman : Look at me. I'm whipped cream head. Fear me! All fear whipped cream head!

• Fez : I'm confused. What's going on?

  Steven Hyde : You see, Donna, as a creative artist, wrote her story to get some perspective on her life. Forman, as a vindictive ass, wrote his story to be a vindictive ass.

• Eric : [about Eric's unflattering portrayal in Donna's story]  People are going to think I'm really like that.

  Donna Pinciotti : Oh, come on. Nobody's going to think you're like that.

  Girl #1 : [the two girls walk up to Eric]  Cat killer.

  Girl #2 : Bastard.

  Girl #1 : Porn freak.

  [they walk off disgusted] 

  Donna Pinciotti : OK, they could be talking about anybody.

  Steven Hyde : Hey, we're all porn-freak bastards. But he's the only one who killed a cat.

• Donna Pinciotti : You know what I love about Hyde? He's always beating up Kelso.

  Michael Kelso : Uh! That is false! Name one time.

  Donna Pinciotti : Gladly.

  Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang sitting around the Forman's kitchen table, eating]  Mmmmm, I love mashed potatoes.

  Michael Kelso : Really?

  [spits some on Hyde's plate, which makes Hyde shove Kelso down and start punching him] 

  Michael Kelso : Augh! My eye!

  Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang playing basketball in the driveway]  That's a foul.

  Michael Kelso : You know what's foul? Your playing.

  [throws the basketball at Hyde, who tackles Kelso and starts punching him] 

  Michael Kelso : Owwww! That's my eye!

  Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang sitting in the basement watching TV, when Kelso comes in and changes the channel]  Change it back, I was watching that.

  Michael Kelso : No.

  Steven Hyde : CHANGE IT BACK.

  Michael Kelso : NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

  [Hyde knocks Kelso over the couch and begins punching] 

  Michael Kelso : Waaah-haa-haaa! My eye!

  Michael Kelso : [scene switches back to where it started]  Seriously, dude. You keep hurting my eye.

• Steven Hyde : They should've X-rayed your head at the hospital.

  Michael Kelso : They did. And for your information, they found nothing.

• Steven Hyde : What is she doing here?

  Leo : I think she's hitting on me, man.

  Jackie Burkhardt : What are you talking about?

  Leo : What are you talking about?

  Jackie Burkhardt : What are you talking about?

  Leo : What are *you* talking about?

  Steven Hyde : Whatever.

  [leaves] 

  Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, great. Steven!

  [runs after Hyde] 

  Leo : What was she talking about?

• Fez : [on a dead fish]  Oh, it's so stinky. What are we going to do with it?

  Steven Hyde : Simple, man. We're going to find a place to hide the stinky, and ruin someone's day. The question is where, how, and who?

  [throws basketball, it's hits Kelso's van and knocks a hubcap off] 

  Steven Hyde : The answer is there, that, and Kelso!

• Steven Hyde : [hiding behind gravestone pretending to be Eric's dead grandmother]  Why did you kill me, Eric? I can never forgive you!

• Steven Hyde : Oh, my God... what have I done?

  Red Forman : You've married a Vegas stripper. Congratulations. When Eric calls... you're the town dumbass.

• Steven Hyde : [smoking a cigar in the circle]  I hate cigars. This is way worse then what we usually do in the circle. It smells bad, it tastes rank, but there's no fun hallucinations. *This* should be illegal.

• Steven Hyde : [while smoking weed in the record store]  Ah, this is definitely gooder... Gooder? Yeah, that's a word!

• Steven Hyde : Everything I wanted to say was in that one punch. Come on.

  [Hyde helps Kelso get up] 

  Michael Kelso : That was a good one too. I peed myself a little on the way down.

• Michael Kelso : I spilt my soda... Hyde. I don't know what to say.

  Steven Hyde : How about 'ow'?

  Michael Kelso : Why would I say ow?

  [Hyde hits Kelso] 

  Michael Kelso : Ow.

  [falls to the floor and laughs] 

  Michael Kelso : I get it!

• Steven Hyde : [explaining to Kitty the after-effects of getting high]  Here are the facts: When the smoke hits the brain, the cells start dying. This process causes impaired judgment and hallucinations and a lot of other wonderful things.

• Steven Hyde : When Kelso's the only one of us thinking straight, something's wrong.

• Michael Kelso : Yeah, I'm so Brando.

  Steven Hyde : Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie.

• Eric : Hyde, without Donna, I've reverted to my natural state. I'm dirty, I'm lazy, and I don't wear pants. I'm like you now.

  Steven Hyde : No, see, I'm an original. You're a convert.

  Eric : Strong words coming from a guy wearing pants.