Upright Citizens Brigade (1998–2000)
Matt Besser: Adair, Various
Photos
Quotes
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Captain Lunatic : It's time for you to come out of weed heaven and Potville for a second and give me a little informationi, a little Captain Lunatic time!
Bong Boy : Hey, let me down!
Captain Lunatic : Now, what do you know about this missing McMadison girl?
Bong Boy : Oh yeah. Last night I saw her and her husband.
Captain Lunatic : Husband?
Bong Boy : Yeah. He was drunk and his face was all pixilated. Wait a second. That might have been on Cops last night.
Captain Lunatic : You wanna play games, huh? Old Lunatic's got a game for you, called junkie quit hitting yourself!
[makes him hit himself]
Bong Boy : Ahh! Ahh! Make me stop!
Captain Lunatic : I can't make you stop! You're the one doing it!
Bong Boy : Ow! Make me want to stop!
Captain Lunatic : Oh no. What does this look like?
[pretends to steal his nose]
Bong Boy : That's my nose!
Captain Lunatic : I got your damn nose, punk! You ain't ever ever gonna see this nose again!
[swallows his "nose"]
Bong Boy : Ahh! I need one of those.
Captain Lunatic : Aw, God. I could go to hell for this. Get down. Hold the gun.
Bong Boy : Huh?
Captain Lunatic : What does this feel like?
[pretends to crack an egg over his head]
Bong Boy : Ahhh! That's an egg!
Captain Lunatic : That's an egg!
[pretends to break another egg]
Bong Boy : Oh, no!
Captain Lunatic : That's another. That's two friggin' eggs! You look ridiculous!
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Adair : Forget cyborgs. What about some more money for my cloning experiments?
Antoine : What cloning experiments?
Adair : The cloning experiments of your momma.
[Antoine throws his Chinese health balls at Adair]
Colby : Antoine, it's true. Adair cloned your momma. He has her working down in the Inner Sanctum kitchen. Speaking of which, here comes lunch.
[Antoine's mother enters, carrying a tray of sandwiches]
Antoine : Why did you make a clone of my mother?
Adair : You're the one always speaking so highly of her.
Antoine : You need to leave my mother alone!
Adair : That's not what your momma was saying last night.
Colby : It's true, Antoine. Last night, your momma said she'd be honored to have her DNA spread throughout society. She's a real credit to the cause.
Trotter : Thank you, Ping-Pong. Just, uh, put the rest of the sandwiches over there by the distipulator.
Antoine : You named my mother Ping-Pong?
Adair : Yeah, cause your momma has knees like ping-pong balls. When she walks, they're like, "ping, pong." Anyway, it's better than what Trotter named his Antoine momma clones that he has working on his car!
Trotter : Look, Beepo, Porkchop, and Potbelly have nothing to do with this conversation.
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Bluto : [discussing a "dolphin centric" SAT test] Humans rule! Dolphins can suck it!
Woman : Those tests should be burned, and then banned, and then burned again!
Alderman : Hear hear!
Leo : [a Jimmy Stewart parody] What, what, are we back in Nazi Germany? We should befriend the dolphins! Instead you're acting like a bunch of Hitlers! A lot of you even look like Hitler! Joe smells like Hitler. Barney Riggly, the postmaster colonal himself, he sneezes like Hitler!
Postmaster : [German voice] I do not!
[sneezes like Hitler]
Alderman : How is it you know so much about Hitler?
Leo : Well, I'm a big fan!
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Mike : You just told me this is all just some fake virtual reality matrix! She doesn't even exist!
Sandy : [with a beard] Mike, there's a hurricane outside! We're gonna be stuck here for hours, we'd better get along!
Mike : Hurricane?
[sees that there is now a hurricane, and he has different clothes]
Mike : What happened to the snowstorm? What am I saying, you're just raping me!
Young : Don't get all high and mighty! You sent me crap-covered letters!
Mike : No! I didn't, that just happened in my fake virtual reality! Nothing that's happened for the past 10 years of my life is real!
Sandy : Hey, at least you didn't really have to go to France.
Young : And at least you weren't forced to eat your own edible panties.
Crow : Actually, no. I do make him eat edible panties. You've sustained on nothing else for the past 10 years.
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Raymond : Camp Counselor Chip, I have something to confess!
Camp Counselor : [exhausted] Yes, Raymond, what to you want to confess?
Raymond : I want to confess... that i want you to walk on hot coals like the Freak at the fair!
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Alderman : It's been an hour, and Leo still doesn't have any support for his plan to defeat God to avoid Armaggedon.
Leo : [carrying bags of letters] Look, look at all these letters! There's bags and bags of it, just like I was saying! Here, look!
Alderman : These are just random letters! Here's a letter from a boy in band camp, utility bill, super coupons!
Leo : The mail truck's full of them!
Alderman : This doesn't support anything, you've just robbed a mail truck!
Leo : Well, it just said there were letters.
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Sandy : [four NASA employees are saying the worst things they did to each other] Okay... Mike. After about a year of us working together at NASA, I had that spare set of keys to your apartment. So, one day I thought it would be a funny joke if I snuck into your apartment while you were out of town, went into your bathroom and... took a crap on your floor.
[laughs]
Mike : What? That terrified me, I thought it was a Mafia death threat!
Sandy : Come on. Jesus, Mike, I didn't know this game was gonna be about judgement.
Mike : I couldn't sleep after that! I'd lie awake clutching a butcher's knife!
Crow : Mike, this isn't about winning or losing. We're just playing.
Sandy : Yeah, really! I'm sure you did something to us that's just as bad.
Mike : Al lright... well, Young, I played a prank on you.
Young : Okay.
Mike : You remember I sent you all those letters from Belgium? I never went to Belgium.
Young : Well, that's okay, no big deal.
Mike : No, no, no, that's not the prank. See, I felt so violated that someone had crapped on my bathroom floor, that I smeared the crap over the letters that I sent to you.
Sandy : Eww!
Young : You told me that was Belgium chocolate! I believed you!
Sandy : Okay, don't get mad. This is not about judgement.
Young : But why would somebody do something like that?
Mike : I was in a rough place, I wasn't sleeping! Sandy crapped on my bathroom floor!
Crow : Guys! We're not keeping score here, we're just playing.
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Young : Okay... Crow. You know how last summer, we'd go to your home and you'd serve us some sweet cold drinks, and I never wanted any ice in mine?
Crow : Yeah.
Young : Well, that's cause I used to break into your basement every night, through a window, and... sneak upstairs while everyone was sleeping... jack off your dad and put it in the ice cube trays.
Crow : My ice cube trays?
Young : Look, I don't know why! Okay, I'm screwed up!
Sandy : Hey, remember, no judging!
Crow : My ice cube trays!
Mike : Why are you so upset about the ice cube trays, if I were you I'd... Oh, my God! Nine months before my mother gave birth to my baby brother, I thought it'd be a funny joke if I took one of the ice cubes from Crow's freeze and stuck it in her... Oh my God! My brother's father is... Agh!
Sandy : Oh, that's bad! Oh!
