Osmosis Jones (2001)
Chris Rock: Osmosis Jones
Photos
Quotes
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Osmosis : We were so poor, we lived off peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?
Drix : OK, I get it. You were poor.
Osmosis : You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now that's poor!
Drix : OK, please, you're going to make me vomit!
Osmosis : Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit; that's for rich folk.
Drix : Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.
Osmosis : Oh, you wanna talk about wiping?
Drix : NO!
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Leah : Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
Osmosis : What you talking about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me!
Leah : Oh really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself.
Osmosis : Whoa! Who turned off the heat? Somebody pay the bill? It's cold in here.
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Latino Germ : La Muerte, man! Esta aqui! He's gonna kill us dead, hombre!
Osmosis : No, no. Talk English, man. We ain't on Telemundo here.
Latino Germ : La Muerte Roja! He's coming, man! I saw him!
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Drix : Where did you study?
Osmosis : Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools.
Drix : Oh...
Osmosis : I'm not kiddin', man. My school was Crack Central.
Drix : Oh?
Osmosis : No, it was IN the crack. Right in the stanky, puckered center.
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Osmosis : Did you know my great-great-grandpappy fought the measles? Yup, there's been a Jones on the force ever since my ancestors came over on the umbilical cord.
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Osmosis : [looking at a centerfold in DNA Monthly] Nice genes. You got the chromosomes in all the right places.
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Drix : Special Agent Drixobenzometaphedrimine... Drixenol! The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes. Warning - do not exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. May cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets.
Osmosis : Wow! I'm feeling better already.
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Librarian : Brain Memory Library. Can I help you?
Osmosis : You got any information about something called "El Morry Roho"?
Librarian : Stand by. I'll check, but we're really all about sports statistics here.
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Osmosis : Yo, you didn't see this thing. This ain't no ordinary household germ. This thing's bigger than all of us; it's big even for Frank's body! It's like a
[sic]
Osmosis : Al Roker germ, a Heavy D germ!
Cop : You talkin' about this?
[holds a short, dumpy germ; all laugh]
Osmosis : Yeah, uh... y'know, he's slouching right now.
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[Drix is at the bladder, about to board the next barge out]
Osmosis : Drix! Yo, Drix! Get your time-released butt off this boat. Thrax is alive! Let's go!
Drix : I'm sorry, Osmosis, I can't help you.
Osmosis : Excuse me?
Drix : I wasn't designed to combat a virus. Read my label.
Osmosis : You gotta learn to think outside the pill box, man. I've known sugar pills who cured cancer, just because they believed they could.
Drix : Oh, I don't know, Ozzy. Look at me. I'm cherry flavored.
Conductor : Hey, pal. You on or off?
Osmosis : Fine. Flush your life down the toilet.
Conductor : The zipper's down. All ashore who's going ashore.
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[Osmosis is at the theater watching one of Frank's dreams when the screen appears to burn up]
Osmosis : Thrax is alive! Thrax is alive and he's in the brain!
Cell : Oh, great, pal! Spoil the ending.
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Drix : [Deleted scene] The eye? What are we doing here? Do I have to remind you that I am on a strict twelve hour time release program? First the throat, then the nose, then the aches and pains.
Osmosis : Yeah, I got it. Real important stuff. Now, get your butt out of my car!
Drix : Oh! I don't even have a butt. Officer, if I don't get to the sinuses, my entire relief mission could be jeopardized.
Osmosis : Yo, it's time we take a look at the big picture. See? The Big F. He's the one we're here to protect and serve. I mean, just look at him. Doesn't he make you want to be a better cell?
Drix : Ew! I see why you feel such a strong connection.
Osmosis : Hey, watch it! Show the man some respect! He's the reason all of us are here.
Drix : Take me to the nose.
Osmosis : Dude, just wait in the car. I got police work to do. Uh, could you get me one glazed and one with the jelly-filled nucleus?
Librarian : Brain Memory Library. Can I help you?
Osmosis : You got any information on something called El Morry Rojo?
Librarian : Stand by while I check, but we're really all about sports statistics here. Sir?
Osmosis : Yeah, I'm here. What you got?
Librarian : La Muerte Roja, that's Spanish. It means the Red Death.
Osmosis : The Red Death? What's that? Some kind of taco sauce?
Librarian : Now, you have a nice day.
Osmosis : Hello? Yo, Drips! You ever hear of the Red Death?
Drix : That's Drix.
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Drix : [Deleted scene, Drix and Ozzy are in an ocean of mucus] Well, this is a fine mess you've gotten us into.
Osmosis : Me? What are you talking about? You've got a lot of nerve.
Drix : Oh, don't act so innocent. When I first entered this body,
Osmosis : Uh, Drix.
Drix : I knew things would be difficult but I never imagined I would have to work...
Osmosis : Uh, Drix.
Drix : Quiet, I'm not finished!
Osmosis : Hey! Look, Drix! Look behind you! We're about to be wiped under a table!
Drix : What? Ah! Jones! Jones!
Osmosis : Give me your hand!
Drix : We're going to die!
Bob : Jeez, Frank, I'm standing right here. Can you... uh... use a tissue or something?
Frank : I don't have one.
Bob : Well, use your imagination.
Frank : What's that over there?
[Frank swallows his mucus]
Frank : Better?
Bob : Much better.
Frank : I gotta go get her.
Bob : Alright.
Frank : She'll be excited. She'll probably call you.
Bob : Good.
Drix : If it wasn't for you, none of this would have ever happened. Now, if you'll excuse me, I
[Drix is coughing]
Drix : have a nose to dry.
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Dispatcher : [Deleted scene] Suspect is headed towards the uvula. Repeat: headed towards the uvula.
Osmosis : What the hell is a uvula?
Drix : It's that little dangly hing that hangs down in Frank's...
Osmosis : Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go!
Drix : Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
Osmosis : I knew that. I know that.
[the car drives off in the wrong way and towards the uvula before it felt the heartburn]
Osmosis : I know that rumble! Come on, I know a shortcut.
Drix : I don't like the sound of that. Heartburn? That sign said Heartburn!
Osmosis : Yeah, I saw what it said. I could read.
[the car went inside the throat]
Drix : That's pure stomach acid! Are you mad? We'll be killed!
Osmosis : You got a better way?
Frank : What's the opposite of... inbound?
Bob : Outbound?
[Frank belches, making Ozzy and Drix close to the uvula]
Bob : Boy. Thanks for the warning, there, Prince Charles. Frank? Are you with me? Hello? Hey.
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Dispatcher : Suspect is headed towards the uvula. Repeat: headed towards the uvula.
Osmosis : What the heck is a uvula?
Drix : It's that little dangly hing that hangs down in Frank's...
Osmosis : Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go!
Drix : Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
Osmosis : I knew that. I know that.
[the car drives off in the wrong way and towards the uvula]
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Osmosis : Yo, where do you think you're going?
Drix : To get our cootie.
Osmosis : Looking like that? They'll tear you apart. You gotta get spiffy.
Drix : Spiffy?
[Osmosis rearranges himself to look like a germ]
Osmosis : Check it out!
Drix : Hmm. Flexible cellular dynamics. What an ingenious defense mechanism. Ooh, let me try!
[Drix tries, only succedes in mangling his face]
Drix : What do you think?
Osmosis : I think you should guard the car.
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Osmosis : Yo! You see this badge? You see this gun? You see this gooey, white saccus membranous 'round my personhood?... Well, you dealin' with a white blood cell here! I should be out in the veins, fighting disease, not in the mouth on tartar control.
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Police Chief : Hey, Ozzy, can I count on you to keep Frank in shape? You know we've got that big insurance exam next month.
Osmosis : I don't know. You'll have to talk to my new parter... if he feels like hanging around for a while.
Drix : But my work visa has expired.
Osmosis : Well, we'll go down to the hemorrhoid and get you a good lawyer.
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Osmosis : You up spit creek without a paddle. Don't make me mad, 'cause I will turn into a germicidal maniac.
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Chill : Hey, I was injected into this body to rat on influenza only, and this don't sound like influenza to me. Now, beat it.
Osmosis : I bet Johnny Streptococcus and the Melanoma family would be very interested to know about your flu shot work.
Chill : You can't jack me on that, brother. I'm in the Virus Protection Program.
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Osmosis : [from trailer] Disease is the crime, I'm the cure!
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[believing Drix has given up, Osmosis is about to leave]
Drix : Jones? You really knew a sugar pill that cured cancer?
Osmosis Jones : [smirking] Nah, but it makes for a good pep talk, don't it?
[the two drive away with Drix leaving behind the scroll of conditions that used to be on his arm]
Drix : Let's go catch a cold!
