Family Guy (1999– )
Seth Green: Chris Griffin, Neil Goldman, Additional Voices, Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker, Matthew McConaughey, Student, Boy, Jeremy, Jock #1, Joe Horrigan, Michael Jackson, Police Officer #2, Teenager, Angry College Student, Announcer, Archie Manning, Asian Son, Band Member #4, Blonde Guy, Bobby Williams, Booze Cruiser, Boy at Mall, Boy in Dance #2, Boy in Science Class, Bully #3, Calvin Klein Model #2, Canadian Student, Carrot Scalp, Cashier, Channel 5 News Employee, Chris Griffin as Drummer Boy, Chris Griffin as Queen Victoria, Chris' Classmate #1, Christian Slater, Classmate, Commercial Announcer, Consuela's Husband, Corey Haim, Cult Kid #2, Dance Choreographer, Diabeto, Director, Dixie Student #2, Driver, Driver #1, Drunk Guy, Dylan, Dylan Flanigan, Dylan Flannigan, El Dorado Parking Employee, Eli, Eskimo Son, Fan, Fly, Friend, Gangster #1, Greg Brady, Guy Playing Hooky, Hanson Kid, Hector, Herschel, Hipster #1, Hollywood Waiter, Home Depot Employee, Interviewer, Italian Man in Line, Jacksonville, Jared, Jesus Christ, Jewish Boy, Jim-Bob, Jimmy, Jock, Justin, Kurt Cobain, Lieutenant Chris, Male Crowds, Male Customer, Man #2, Man in Audience, Man on Paddleboard, Manager, Matt Damon, Mayor Assistant, McBurgertown Employee, McDonald Cashier #2, Messiah Guards, Monkey #2, Monkeys, NBC Employee, Nathan Scott, Nerd, Officer #2, Owl #2, PA Voiceover, Partygoer #2, Peter's Conscience #2, Phone, Photographer, Pizza Deliveryman...
Photos
Quotes
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Chris Griffin : See, my dad's smarter than yours.
Meg Griffin : We have the same dad, lardo.
Chris Griffin : Yeah, but mine's smarter.
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Herbert : Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?
Chris : It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.
Herbert : Who needs them? You like Popsicles?
Chris : Well, sure.
Herbert : Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.
Chris : No, thanks. I gotta get going.
Herbert : Don't make me beg now.
Chris : You're funny. Bye.
Herbert : Get your fat ass back here.
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Lois Griffin : Chris where have you been?
Chris Griffin : Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done.
Lois Griffin : Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.
Peter Griffin : [in a very sexy voice] Hello!
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[looking at whales]
Chris Griffin : Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin : I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
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Lois Griffin : Don't try to pawn this off on your sister! She's a good girl!
Chris Griffin : Oh, yeah? Well, what about the time she strangled our other sister?
Lois Griffin : Oh, honey, we told you... that never happened. It was just a bad dream.
Chris Griffin : But I remember it so...
Lois Griffin , Peter Griffin : IT WAS A DREAM!
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Chris Griffin : You should invent the frisbee! The frisbee is an awesome toy!
Meg Griffin : The frisbee's already been invented.
Chris Griffin : Then how come I've never heard of it?
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Meg Griffin : Chris, change the channel. I want to watch George Lopez
Chris Griffin : That show just furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny!
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Chris Griffin : Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin : No, Chris, honey, we're not.
Chris Griffin : Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin : No, Chris.
Chris Griffin : Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin : Yes, Chris, yes, okay? We're there!
Chris Griffin : Liar!
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[Chris hunts Meg with a "bogger" on his finger and tries to smear it in her face]
Meg Griffin : Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger!
Chris Griffin : What good is mining "nosegold" if I can't share it with the townspeople?
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Chris Griffin : Cheesy Charlie's is great. They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters. I win every time.
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Brian Griffin : Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin : That would explain all the gravity.
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Chris Griffin : Where do you think you go when you die?
Southern boy : I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris Griffin : UPN?
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Chris Griffin : God's watching me do number two? Oh man, I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert.
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Lois Griffin : Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church.
Meg, Chris : MOM!
Peter Griffin : OK, we can go... but you can't supersize.
Chris Griffin : Awwwwwwwwwww...
Peter Griffin : OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.
Meg Griffin : Oh, come on.
Peter Griffin : OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.
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Meg Griffin : I wish Chris would quit drawing pictures of my head on a pig's body.
Chris Griffin : [shouts] Don't censor me!
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Stewie Griffin : Voice control... Hi, I'm Chris.
Chris Griffin : Hi, I'm Chris.
Stewie Griffin : Eviscerate the proletariat!
Chris Griffin : Eviscerate the proletariat!
Stewie Griffin : [sings] If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?
Chris Griffin : Puttin' on the ritz!
Stewie Griffin : Not my bit, but funny still.
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Stewie Griffin : The port is quite good.
Brian Griffin : Yes, quite good.
Chris Griffin : Indeed.
Peter Griffin : Most certainly.
Brian Griffin : What year is it?
Chris Griffin : '51.
Peter Griffin : Ah.
Stewie Griffin : Delectable.
Brian Griffin : Indeed.
Chris Griffin : Yes.
Peter Griffin : [Peter bursts into flames] Oh, dear.
Brian Griffin : What is it?
Peter Griffin : I spontaneously combusted.
Stewie Griffin : Oh, I am sorry.
Peter Griffin : Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
Stewie Griffin : Ah, very good then.
Chris Griffin : For the best.
Brian Griffin : Yes, indeed.
Stewie Griffin : Tsk-uh! Is it raining again?
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Chris Griffin : Oh, my God, the Government's here! Run E.T.!
E.T. : Ahhhh!
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Chris Griffin : Hey dad, you didn't tell us how we got our house back.
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Chris Griffin : I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian Griffin : Ouch!
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[Chris and Meg are fighting over who should have the remote to the TV, and Chris steals Meg's hat and puts it in his pants]
Brian Griffin : Hey, aah... You two better settle down... Aah... Chris give Meg her hat...
Chris Griffin : I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian Griffin : Ow!
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[trying to get a Scout Merit Badge]
Chris Griffin : Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we've tried everything
Peter Griffin : Well, we almost got that one for insect study.
[cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat]
Peter Griffin : Look Chris, it's a whole family of WASPs.
Rich Father : My Margaret, what a sub-par ham.
Rich Mother : Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
[pause]
Rich Father : [to daughter] Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?
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Chris Griffin : All right, dad! Fight the machine!
Stewie Griffin : How does he know about the machine?
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Meg Griffin : You should go with him. This will be your chance to be alone with dad.
Chris Griffin : I'm not attracted to dad.
Meg Griffin : No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts anymore.
Chris Griffin : OH.
Meg Griffin : Yipes.
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Chris Griffin : Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word, and this time it's definately not "kitty". Can you guess?
Meg Griffin : Is it kitty?
Chris Griffin : Ahhhh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!
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Lois Griffin : Peter, punish Chris.
Peter Griffin : Son, I'm watching the game, you know what to do.
[Chris begins spanking himself]
Chris Griffin : OW. OW. OW. OW. This hurts me more than it hurts you.
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Chris Griffin : Hey, mom, look at these bananas.
Peter Griffin : Why you smart little bastard.
Lois Griffin : Now Chris, these are called "plantains". In fact, some women prefer them to normal size bananas because they're exotic and flavorful, and very very special.
Peter Griffin : Yeah, Lois, I see all the sorority girls clamoring for the platain section.
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Peter Griffin : Hey, Chris! Whatcha doing?
Chris Griffin : Jus' layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops, lemme have some cheddar. Some playa-hata be throwin' salt in my game - grillin' me over my gear. An' I needs to be mackin' style!
Peter Griffin : Well... ehh... the important thing is you tried, son.
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Chris Griffin : Hey dad, look. I put honey on my back, and now the ants are carrying me home.
[laughing]
Peter Griffin : Aw, that's nothing. He does the same thing at home, but with Velveeta and cockroaches. And if ya turn on the lights really fast, they'll slam him right into the fridge.
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Peter Griffin : Chris is not as smart as you think he is...
[Peter slaps Chris in the back of the head]
Chris Griffin : HEY.
Peter Griffin : He did it.
[Peter points to a nearby floor lamp, and Chris attacks it and starts fighting with it]
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Meg Griffin : Chris! You're hogging all the fans!
Chris Griffin : Oh yeah? Well you're hogging all the UGLY!
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Chris Griffin : I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift, What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you Meg?
Meg Griffin : Oh... well, my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara and this wonderful scepter...
[Meg laughs manically then breaks down sobbing]
Stewie Griffin : She needs to get laid big time!
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Tom Tucker : All right, question number one. Would you consider growing a moustache?
Intern Interviewee : I guess so.
Tom Tucker : Question number two. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them?
Intern Interviewee : I don't know.
Tom Tucker : Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!
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Chris Griffin : [driving around with Quagmire, sees a woman walking] excuse me you dropped something... my jaw! hehe all right.
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Chris Griffin : I'm so hungry I could ride a horse!... I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store I guess.
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Meg Griffin : Mom! Mom! Chris found a jar in the basement with a hand in it!
Chris Griffin : I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows!
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Brian Griffin : You know what might be a thrill for you guys?
Chris Griffin : Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
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Chris Griffin : WAAAH! Ah, my Morning Scream...
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Lois Griffin : Well, good riddance Christian Camp!
Meg Griffin : Though, I have to say Chris seemed to enjoy himself.
Lois Griffin : Well, Chris is a bit dumb, and while you're not beautiful or popular, you do have a head on your shoulders. So for people like you and me, Religion is no good, but for idiots like your brother, it's okay.
Chris Griffin : What are you guys talking about?
Lois Griffin : How handsome you are!
Chris Griffin : Aw! Really?
Lois Griffin : Swear to God!
[winks at Meg]
Meg Griffin : You're a monster!
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Meg Griffin : Mom!
Chris Griffin : Hahahaha! Nipples!
Meg Griffin : That's it! I want those cameras off!
Chris Griffin : Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!
Lois Griffin : Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Meg Griffin : Well now, I am getting us off TV.
[leaves angrily]
Meg Griffin : I quit!
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Chris Griffin : Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
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Chris Griffin : Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter Griffin : Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
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Chris Griffin : I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz.
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Meg Griffin : Mom, there's no way I'm sleeping in Chris's room this weekend. It smells like old milk in there!
Chris Griffin : Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up.
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Brian Griffin : The ol' alma matter. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown.
Chris Griffin : Brown's the color of poo. AHHAHAHAHAHA.
Brian Griffin : Yes, it is.
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Chris Griffin : Dad, what if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts anymore?
Peter Griffin : I'd say "come again?" Then I'd laugh because I said "come."
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[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris Griffin : Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
[kisses Peter]
Peter Griffin : Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.
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Chris Griffin : Are you and dad going to get a divorce?
Lois Griffin : Oh, honey... maybe.
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[on the phone]
Chris Griffin : So, what are you wearing?
[pause]
Chris Griffin : Wow. I bet you can see right through that.
Lois Griffin : Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin : Grandma.
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Chris Griffin : It'll be a good chance to get away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet.
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Chris Griffin : Hi, my name is Chris. Mom and dad said that I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and not mention poo. Oh god! What have I done?
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[to Stewie, at Christmastime]
Chris Griffin : Here, it's a candy cane. But don't stick it up your nose, it burns like hell.
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Chris Griffin : Mom, can I be excused from the table? Stewie is gonna help me with my math homework.
Lois Griffin : Honey, don't be silly. He's only a baby.
Stewie Griffin : Right, and you are a regular Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from? The University of Duuuuhhh?
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Chris Griffin : If I had a hole in my neck, I'd put pennies in it!
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Meg Griffin : Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez.
Chris Griffin : That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.
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Colleague : You must like working here, it must be like being back at school?
Chris Griffin : Actually that's a social nightmare like Lord of the Flies. This is a nice clear hierarchy. I hear it's worse in Canada, though.
Canadian Student : [has trapped a nerd] Well, look who matriculated early! I guess someone really wants to go to University? What are you going to do when we put you in Hospital for Free, eh?
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Chris Griffin : Then that is what I shall do, unless Slenderman instructs me otherwise.
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Peter Griffin : All right, as a Rich Dad I will now expect you to compete for my attention while I remain cold, distant and unimpressed.
Chris Griffin : Well, Dad, I came second in the School Boat Race.
Peter Griffin : Sounds like another Dad out there is happier than me...
Meg Griffin : I got an article in the School Newspaper.
Peter Griffin : That is because I had it arranged.
Chris Griffin : I was thinking of joining the Army.
Peter Griffin : No, Meg, as a girl your life has no inherent worth. Now I'm going to gaze at an expensive piece of scrimshaw. Proud sons of New Bedford all. Ah, that's good scrimshaw.
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Chris : Why should I bring a gift if you're just going to kill me?
Stewie Griffin : Etiquette!
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Chris Griffin : Everything in my head is screaming!
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Boy : You must be Chris.
Chris Griffin : I must?
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Peter Griffin : [on his Death Bed] Chris! Underage... Lactating... Latinas!
Chris Griffin : [crying] I WILL, FATHER! I WILL!
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Chris Griffin : [reading] And it turned out that the real Dianetics was the Friends we made along the way.
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Chris Griffin : Yay! Now I can be one of those filthy teens with sad eyes at a Farmer's Market!
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Chris Griffin : Ah, hoist by my own petard...
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School Choir : [Silent Night] Die Hard... Die Hard... John McClane... And his Wife...
Chris Griffin : Yippee-ki-ay Motherfuck-er! Yippee-ki-ay Motherfucker... .
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Chris Griffin : Why are you sending me to Vocational School? Does this mean I'm a Failure?
Lois Griffin : No, it means that we're Failures.
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Lois Griffin : C'mon, I wanna show you something that'll cheer you up.
Chris Griffin : If it's the scene from Psycho where you can see Anne Heche's Bunghole, I've already seen it!
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Chris Griffin : [to Lois] That's the plan, but don't tell Mum or she'll bitch me out again!
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Chris Griffin : I know what you're all about, Mr Herbert! Free Labour!
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Chris Griffin : I'm just going to go to my Happy Place. Being yelled at by kids, while playing Fortnite. No, your Mum's a Whore!
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Chris Griffin : I wonder if this is how French Pointillist Artist George Seurat felt...?
