Comedy's Dirtiest Dozen (1988)

Steven Pearl: Self

Quotes 

• Steven Pearl : [Impression of Ray Charles]  Is this the microphone or someone lock me in the mems room again? Can I get some moonlighting Oh that's perfect.

• Steven Pearl : Frank Sinatra could sing the stupidest shit and make it sound great.

  [sings like Frank] 

  Steven Pearl : If the lady's got 6 elbows and a horn between her eyes. If shes got what looks lile a patato bulging down between her thighs. If shes gotta shave, twice a day and once again at 5. The chances are, ho, this chick is a guy!

• Steven Pearl : Fuck Star Search.

  [Impression of Ed McMahon] 

  Steven Pearl : Tonight's Star Search contestant sucks massive amounts of dick... . glug glug glug... . perfect 10! Bonus points for swallowing. As always our Star Search judges are made up of a panel of an uptight bitch from Jersey and gay Porterican... here's Cunt and Hernadez. Our judges are powerful Hollywood Hebrews who wouldn't know real talent if it rented space up their asses.

• Steven Pearl : I was the only white member of an all black gang. We all had nicknames. There was Crip, Sting, Blade and I was Target. So it's great to still be here tonight.

• Steven Pearl : Arnold's cool. I saw him on the Merv Griffin show once

  [Arnold Shwarzenegger impression] 

  Steven Pearl : You know, Merv. I don't mean to brag. But I'm so strong I could butt-fuck you with my nipple and kill you.

  [Ends] 

  Steven Pearl : Merv says

  [Merv impression] 

  Steven Pearl : Ohhhhh. We will be back after many, many commercial breaks!

  [Ends] 

  Steven Pearl : I got Arnold's new rap record.

  [Arnold voice rap song] 

  Steven Pearl : I'm Arnold Shwartzenegger as as happy as can be. Because I am fucking a Kennedy

• Steven Pearl : I gotta get back to work now. I work at Burger King. I spray the grill marks on the burgers so they looked cooked.