Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999)

Rob Schneider: Deuce Bigalow

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kate : I don't see how it could possibly be pleasurable for a woman. I just don't think it's natural. You're not supposed to go up there. To tell you the truth, I don't know how men do it either.

  Deuce Bigalow : You're not curious, just to try something new?

  Kate : I'm just not into it.

  Deuce Bigalow : So space exploration is definitely out for you?

  Kate : Definitely. I mean, more power to any woman who wants to be an astronaut. I just wouldn't do it. Frankly, I'd rather take it up the butt.

• Fluisa : You ever parked your bicycle in an airplane hangar?

  Deuce Bigalow : I'm sorry?

  Fluisa : You ever thrown a toothpick into a volcano?

• Antoine Laconte : I'm a gigolo.

  Deuce Bigalow : Giga-who?

  Antoine Laconte : Women pay me to... give them pleasure.

  Deuce Bigalow : How did you get that job?

  Antoine Laconte : I just sort of fell into it.

  Deuce Bigalow : I'm gonna kill my guidance counselor!

• T.J. Hicks : This next date is what we man-pimps call a doozy.

  Deuce Bigalow : What's wrong with this one?

  T.J. Hicks : Nothin'.

  Deuce Bigalow : Have you seen her? What is she 80? A hunchback?

  T.J. Hicks : She just got outta college. Some of her girlfriends pitched in to get her a little beefcake. She thinks it's a blind date.

  Deuce Bigalow : It's a guy isn't it?

  T.J. Hicks : I don't think so, but I have been fooled before.

• Deuce Bigalow : Martini, two olives.

  [looks around room] 

  Deuce Bigalow : Any ladies need some entertainment tonight?

  Bartender : [sets the martini down]  Eight fifty.

  Deuce Bigalow : Eight dollars?

  Bartender : And fifty cents.

  Deuce Bigalow : How much just for a plain cranberry juice?

  Bartender : Oh, three dollars.

  Deuce Bigalow : Well I'll go for that.

  Bartender : [sets the juice down]  There you go. That's uh, eleven fifty.

  Deuce Bigalow : Uh, no, no. Perhaps you misunderstood me. I wish to cancel my original order of the martini and two olives and go for just the plain cranberry juice, by itself, for the three dollars. And I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

  Bartender : Uh, perhaps you don't understand. If you don't pay me now, I'm gonna take this swizzle stick, and uh, I'll be shoving that right up your pee hole.

• [Allison turns down Deuce when he asks her out] 

  Deuce Bigalow : Ok, I'll just take some sea snails and be on my way.

  [Allison gets the snails from the bottom of the tank and wets her T-shirt which exposes her nipples] 

  Deuce Bigalow : Have a good nipple!

• Detective Fowler : Do the letters T and J mean anything to you?

  Deuce Bigalow : I don't know. Turkey Jizz?

• T.J. Hicks : See this ring? Topaz, my mother's birthstone. Know where I got the money for it?

  Deuce Bigalow : Where?

  T.J. Hicks : Man-whoring! See this keychain? Mini yo-yo. Know where I got the money for it?

  Deuce Bigalow : Man-whoring?

  T.J. Hicks : Stock market! But I got the money for the stock market from man-whoring.

• Deuce Bigalow : Maybe we should take care of a little business first.

  Claire : If you prefer.

  Deuce Bigalow : I don't have a set price or anything, but I have been getting ten dollars.

  Claire : I'm sorry?

  Deuce Bigalow : Well that's my going rate. But I'm willing to negotiate.

  Claire : [chuckles]  That's funny. But the price is five hundred.

  Deuce Bigalow : You're gonna pay me five hundred dollars?

  Claire : No, honey, you pay me.

  Deuce Bigalow : Oh, I get it. This is some kind of role reversal. I'll play along with this.

  [deep voice] 

  Deuce Bigalow : Okay, 300, 400, 500, you're my hooker. No, seriously, where's my ten dollars?

• Deuce Bigalow : I'm fifteen hundred short. Isn't there anything else you can do?

  Neil : Listen, I came all over the place... down from six grand. This is a custom hand job.

• Deuce Bigalow : Look, I think there's been a mistake.

  Fluisa : Did you say steak?

  Deuce Bigalow : No mistake.

  Fluisa : Oh see now you got me all excited.

• Claire : What happened to the carpet?

  Deuce Bigalow : Oh, it's one of those 18th century wet rugs.

• Deuce Bigalow : Wow! What are those?

  Antoine Laconte : Medieval weapons. I'm a collector. They're worth twice as much if they've killed somebody.

  Deuce Bigalow : I collect Canadian quarters. I've got about six of 'em.

• T.J. Hicks : Claire said Antoine's apartment was messed up, but I had no idea.

  Deuce Bigalow : Claire?

  T.J. Hicks : The hooker you ass-punched.

• Deuce Bigalow : Is this Ruth?

  Ruth : Yeah, I'll be right down. GOD DAMN IT!

• Ruth : BALL-HAIR!

  Deuce Bigalow : Yeah, ball-hair, what we need is a strike here!

• Detective Fowler : You know anything about this?

  [unzips his pants] 

  Detective Fowler : Look. See that red spot over there? That wasn't there this morning. I checked. You know what it is?

  Deuce Bigalow : Maybe it's a rash. Something you got from jogging. How the hell do I know? Get it away from me.

• Deuce Bigalow : I guess I'll just take some sea snails.

• Bob Bigalow : The idea of a man-whore is a relatively new idea. Cologne?

  Deuce Bigalow : No thanks.

  Bob Bigalow : [loud fart in background]  These women are looking for more than just sex. They want romance.

  Deuce Bigalow : What do you mean?

  Bob Bigalow : [another loud fart]  Well, it was like when I met your mom, God rest her soul. I didn't have so much as a toilet to clean. Still, I wasn't going to pay her a dime for sex, no matter what she was charging.

  Deuce Bigalow : What?

  Bob Bigalow : [loud fart]  Well your mom could've had any man she wanted in that strip club. And this being my first time in Bangkok, I was looking for a good time myself.

  Deuce Bigalow : You met my mom where?

  Bob Bigalow : It's not important.

  [fart] 

  Bob Bigalow : The thing is, she saw something in me beyond the 200 baht. A man with an eye for adventure who wasn't afraid to risk it all.

  Deuce Bigalow : Dad, are you saying that...

  Bob Bigalow : [diarrhea splattering into toilet in background]  So we took all her one-dollar bills off the stage, said good-bye to that donkey, and two days later we were man and wife. And we were happily married a long time.

  Deuce Bigalow : So, do you think I should be more of a risk-taker?

  Bob Bigalow : [toilet flushing]  Worked for me.

  Deuce Bigalow : Thanks, pops.

• Deuce Bigalow : Whoa! Chinese Tailbar Lionfish. He's a beaut! That's an $800 fish!

  Antoine Laconte : Try a grand.

  Deuce Bigalow : Then you overpaid.

• Detective Fowler : You better show some respect, or I'm gonna rip that little pleasure-giving tongue right out of your head! One more thing

  [drops his pants] 

  Detective Fowler : I was at the precinct and I really had to use the John. And it's pretty filthy in there and I was in kind of a hurry, and I didn't have time to use one of those, you know, paper ass gaskets. I was doing my business, and something sort of splashed up on me, all over. What do you do in situations like that? You think I'll be alright?

  Deuce Bigalow : I think you're pretty safe.

  Detective Fowler : I'd better be!

• Deuce Bigalow : If man-whoring has taught me anything, it's that most women are as unhappy with their entire body as you are with your small penis.

  Detective Fowler : Thin penis.

  Deuce Bigalow : Whatever. While you're worried about your penis...

  Detective Fowler : Thin penis.

  Deuce Bigalow : Women are worried about their height, their weight, their giant feet, the stream of obscenities that could burst through their mouth at any second. If you make a woman feel good about herself, it really doesn't matter what's wrong with you.

  Detective Fowler : Even if it's really really thin? We're talkin' spaghetti stick.

• Deuce Bigalow : I should have told you right from the start. But I was afraid.

  Kate : Afraid of what?

  Deuce Bigalow : Afraid that a girl as wonderful as you could never fall for a guy who cleans fish tanks, 'cause that's who I really am. This whole gigolo thing was just a mistake. But I'm glad it happened 'cause I never would have met you. I never would have known what love was. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect.

  Kate : I'm not perfect either.

  Deuce Bigalow : Yes you are. You're perfect in every way. I knew it the moment I met you.

  [pulls out a folded envelope and reads] 

  Deuce Bigalow : "Kate, you have a smile that could melt an iceberg. Your lips are as sweet as honey. You may only have one leg, but it's the most beautiful leg in the world."

• T.J. Hicks : What about Antoine's apartment?

  Deuce Bigalow : I'm gonna get the rest of the money the old-fashioned way.

  T.J. Hicks : You gonna steal it?

• Deuce Bigalow : I couldn't help overhearing your Spanish.

  Claire : It's French.

  Deuce Bigalow : Oui, French... Nice people.

• Deuce Bigalow : Where am I supposed to get six thousand dollars in three weeks?

• Detective Fowler : Listen up, man-whore. I oughta bust you right now!

  Deuce Bigalow : We just had sushi!

  Detective Fowler : "Sushi?" Is that what they call it nowadays? I'm hip to your man-whore slang. All right, fine. Why don't I just go have a chat with your spicy tuna roll?