Stark Raving Mad (1999–2000)

Tony Shalhoub: Ian Stark

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ian Stark : Hey, you're back! How was your sister's?

  Margaret 'Maddie' Keller : Oh, it was great! Her kids are so adorable! I learned everything there is to know about Pokémon, and then on the bus ride home, I locked myself in the bathroom and tied my own tubes.

• [Tess ate some bad food at a diner] 

  Tess Farraday : I'm not putting anything in my mouth for a week!

  Ian Stark : Have a nice night, Henry.

• Henry : Yeah, there is no

  [such word as] 

  Henry : "dribbed." There's the noun "drib," which means a negligible amount.

  Ian Stark : Oh, I see. So I'm getting a drib of help from you right now.

• Ian Stark : I just feel that names that end with "y" are weak, Henry.

• Ian Stark : I thought we ordered chicken wings.

  Margaret 'Maddie' Keller : Wings are for when you're drunk. Soup is for when you're sick.

  Jake Donovan : That's what my mom used to say. Boy, she loved her wings!

• Henry : Hey, I've been tryin' to call you all afternoon. What's wrong with your phone?

  Ian Stark : It keeps ringing.

  Henry : It stops ringing when you answer it.

  Ian Stark : Also when you smash it with a hammer.

• Cesar : I hope everybody likes hot cheese!

  Henry : Wow, it's flaming.

  Ian Stark : Yeah, and the cheese is on fire.

• Ian Stark : Where have you been? I just pretended to choke on an oyster for you, then Audrey ran over and gave me a Heimlich Maneuver - from the front!

• Ian Stark : Ya know, James Joyce was weird. Van Gogh was weird - Stravinsky was weird. You know, talent doesn't always come wrapped up in a nice, new, shiny, little box, Henry. Sometimes it's messy and organic and raw and you might just have to look a little deeper to find it.

  Henry : And sometimes when it's messy and organic and raw, it's garbage!

• Henry : It doesn't have to be a pick-up thing. You just go up to her and say, "Hi, my name is Ian. I'm a best-selling author..."

  Ian Stark : "I'm so lonely and desperate that I talk to strangers in restaurants. Hopefully your life is bad enough to welcome this kind of weirdness, so how 'bout we get together and disappoint each other?"

• Ian Stark : How about this one? I don't have that goofy smile on my face.

  Jake Donovan : I dunno. It looks a little scary for the back cover.

  Ian Stark : It's a scary story!

  Jake Donovan : Yeah, but you still want a photo which says 'buy this book'. This photo says 'buy this book or I'll kill the president'.

• Henry : Tess has felt threatened ever since she found an old photo of Susan sunbathing in Greece, all topless and tan and glistening and... topless.

  Ian Stark : Tess was snooping through your stuff, huh?

  Henry : No, actually it was my screensaver.

• Ian Stark : Good God, Henry! If you'd ever been in the army, your own men woulda held you down and dry-shaved you!

• Henry : Why would he go all the way back to the warehouse?

  Ian Stark : Because he wants to get caught. That's what killers do. You know that - you're a killer.

• Henry : I am going to be blacklisted thanks to you and your fish shenanigans.

  Ian Stark : Shenanigans? Well, just come out and say it, Henry. You think I'm a hooligan, don't ya? Up to some tomfoolery.

• Ian Stark : She was just lashing out at you for sleeping with Maddie, which she doesn't know you didn't really do. Wait... Yeah, that's right.

• Ian Stark : I'm sorry, Rod, but the position's filled as long as Henry's around.

  Henry : Oh, great! Why don't you just tell him I bleed liquid gold?