The Broken Hearts Club: A Romantic Comedy (2000)

Ben Weber: Patrick

Photos 

Quotes 

• Patrick : Taylor's boyfriend broke up with him from Hawaii, Howie went home with Marshall... again, Cole slept with Benji's quasi-boyfriend, and my sister ends the evening with a plea for my sperm. It's like one big gay soap opera! I keep waiting for Sue Ellen to wander into my living room and tell me that she's secretly bought controlling interest in my oil company!

• Howie : Look! Benji's talking to Idaho Guy!

  Dennis : Who?

  Howie : Idaho Guy. He's Benji's newest crush. Benji's been working out near him for weeks in hopes that Idaho Guy would notice.

  Dennis : Why do you call him Idaho Guy?

  Patrick : I don't know. He just kind of... looks like he's from Idaho. It's not one of our better ones.

• Howie : Meanwhile, don't look now but.

  [Patrick looks] 

  Howie : I could kill you!

  Patrick : What? You act like he would never know we were checking him out.

  Howie : He wouldn't even know I was a fag if I wasn't here with you and your cart full of kitchenwares.

  Patrick : What planet are you living on? There isn't a person in this entire store who wouldn't pick you off the homo tree in a second!

  Howie : Oh keep telling yourself that.

  Patrick : Excuse me, Miss.

  [woman walks over] 

  Patrick : This man, you've never seen him before in your life. Tell me, fag, not a fag?

  Female Shopper : Oh I'd have to say big fag.

• Patrick : What is it with lesbians and candles?

• Patrick : All of the men in L.A. are a bunch of 10's looking for an 11. On a good night, and if the other guy's drunk enough... I'm a 6.

• Taylor : No Streisand, no Bette, no Judy? What the fuck's a fairy supposed to do around here in case of an emergency?

  Patrick : There's gotta be something.

  Howie : I'm looking.

  [pulls out a CD] 

  Howie : Celine Dion?

  Taylor : In Hell!

• Patrick : Oh great! This is what I get for trying to be a friend.

  Taylor : Well we obviously have two different interpretations of that word!

  Patrick : What's that supposed to mean?

  Taylor : It means that when it comes to men, you delight in being the bearer of bad news for all of us. You can disguise it all you want under the guise of 'Patrick's Good Advice' but it ain't shit but a pin... trying to pop all of our relationship balloons! Yeah, I knew Paul was sleeping with other people, but he told me we'd work it out. He promised we'd work it out.

  Patrick : He lied!

• Leslie : You see, I told you we should've just drugged him and jerked him off.

  Patrick : Drugged me and... is this the woman that you want to become a mother with?

  Anne : She's serious, too.

• Dennis : If Larry Kramer knew this is how gay men in America spent their time, he'd defect.

  Howie : He probably would.

  Patrick : Larry Kramer can blow me.

  Howie : He probably would.

• Patrick : When I watch them, it feels so strange. It's like I'm not even a part of it. They're all so much more attractive than I am.

  Jack : Patrick...

  Patrick : No. You know what? I don't mind. Really, I don't. I kind of like being attractive by association. It's the closest I've ever gotten to feeling beautiful.

• Patrick : Leslie, queen of bitch-town, your people have come to take you home.

• Patrick : I couldn't do it.

  Leslie : See I told you he was gonna start some shit.

  Anne : You couldn't do it?

  Patrick : I need material.

  Anne : They don't have material?

  Patrick : Well the whole "Hustler" ouvre isn't exactly helping my cause right now.

  Howie : Oh my God it's embarrassing to even be seen in here! You owe me so big for this hag! You know my issues with buying porno.

  Leslie : Hurry up!