Gilmore Girls (2000–2007)

Lauren Graham: Lorelai Gilmore

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Quotes 

• Lorelai : [walking into Luke's diner]  Give me a burger, onion rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I need some heroes.

• [Luke and Lorelai's first real date; they have just read a long story on the back of a menu, hence the menu line] 

  Lorelai : Hey, do you remember the first time we met?

  Luke : What?

  Lorelai : I'm just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?

  Luke : [nods]  It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day, the place was packed, and this person...

  Lorelai : Ooh, is it me? Is it me?

  Luke : This person comes tearing into the place in a caffeine frenzy.

  Lorelai : [happily]  Ooh, it's me.

  Luke : I was with a customer. She interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee, so I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. So finally I turn to her, and I tell her she's being annoying - sit down, shut up, I'll get to her when I get to her.

  Lorelai : Y'know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful.

  Luke : She asked me what my birthday was. I wouldn't tell her. She wouldn't stop talking. I gave in. I told her my birthday. Then she opened up the newspaper to the horoscope page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me.

  Lorelai : God, seriously. You wrote the menu, didn't you?

  Luke : So I'm looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written 'You will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away.' I gave her coffee.

  Lorelai : [grins]  But she didn't go away.

  Luke : She told me to hold on to that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and carry it around with me -

  [takes a piece of paper from his wallet and gives it to her] 

  Luke : one day it would bring me luck.

  Lorelai : [teasing]  Well, man, I will say anything for a cup of coffee

  [reads it, grows serious] 

  Lorelai : Um... I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet?

  [sees his face] 

  Lorelai : You kept this in your wallet.

  Luke : Eight years.

  Lorelai : [emotionally]  Eight years.

• [Lorelai answers her cell phone] 

  Lorelai : Hello?

  Emily : You get over here right now!

  Lorelai : Who is this?

  Emily : This is you in twenty years! "Who is this?", I swear!

• Lorelai : My mother - she was here. I can feel it.

  Rory : Grandma hasn't been here.

  Lorelai : Smell that?

  Rory : Smell what?

  Lorelai : The room - it smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5

• Emily : You were on the phone?

  Richard : Long distance.

  Lorelai : God?

  Richard : London.

  Lorelai : God lives in London?

  Richard : My mother lives in London.

  Lorelai : Your mother is God?

  Richard : Lorelai...

  Lorelai : So, God *is* a woman.

  Richard : Lorelai.

  Lorelai : *And* a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors.

  Richard : Make her stop.

  Rory : Oh, that I could.

• Luke : Rory's not here yet.

  Lorelai : Then you'll have to entertain me until she arrives. Okay Burger boy, dance.

  Luke : Will you marry me?

  [Lorelai is taken aback] 

  Luke : Just looking for something to shut you up.

• Lorelai : Well, I can't take it back to Yale.

  Luke : I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.

  Lorelai : Well, then I'm stuck here.

  Luke : Fine, because I need my truck back.

  Lorelai : Fine, but that leaves you with the mattress.

  Luke : I'm not taking the mattress.

  Lorelai : Then let me take the truck.

  Luke : But that means you take the mattress.

  Lorelai : I can't take the mattress.

  Luke : Then you can't have the truck.

  Lorelai : But that sticks you with the mattress.

  Luke : If you take the truck, it comes with the mattress.

  Lorelai : I can't take the mattress.

  Luke : Then you can't have the truck.

  Lorelai : And that sticks you with the mattress.

  Luke : We've been here before.

  Lorelai : I recognize that tree.

• Jess : Hi.

  Rory : Hey.

  Jess : Hi.

  Lorelai : Hi.

  Jess : Hi.

  Luke : Hi.

  Rory : I have to get to school.

  Jess : Yeah, me too.

  Rory : Bye

  Jess : Bye. Bye.

  Lorelai : Bye.

  Rory : Bye.

  Lorelai : Bye.

  Rory : Bye.

  Luke : Bye.

  [Jess and Rory leave] 

  Luke : What the hell was that?

  Lorelai : That was episode one of Rory and Jess: The Early Years.

• [on the phone] 

  Lorelai : Oh, you know what? I have someone standing abnormally close to me right now. I'll call you later.

  Rory : Okay, say hi to Kirk for me.

• Lorelai : What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible?

  Jess : Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus.

  Lorelai : Very funny.

  Jess : Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous response.

• [Luke thinks Lorelai is still dating Jason even though he, Luke, has 'made his intentions clear'] 

  Luke : I thought we were on track, and now you're standing there looking at me like I'm crazy.

  Lorelai : I'm not looking at you like you're crazy!

  Luke : You know the last time I bought flowers for someone? Never! That's when! Very easy stat to remember!

  Lorelai : I loved the flowers!

  Luke : And then when I walked you home after the wedding, there was a moment. I thought there was a moment.

  Lorelai : There was! There was a moment.

  [Luke looks at her and then moves closer] 

  Lorelai : What are you doing?

  Luke : Will you just stand still?

  [he gathers her in his arms and they kiss. Lorelai moves away, and then steps closer to Luke] 

  Luke : What are you doing?

  Lorelai : Will you just stand still?

  [they kiss again] 

• Lorelai : Heh, you know what I just realized? "Oy" is the funniest word in the entire world.

  Rory : Hmm.

  Lorelai : I mean think about it, you never hear the word "oy" and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.

  Emily : Oh dear God.

  Lorelai : "Poodle" is another funny word.

  Emily : Please drink your drink, Lorelai.

  Lorelai : In fact, if you put "oy" and "poodle" together, in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catchphrase, you know? Like, "Oy with the poodles already."

  Rory : Hehe.

  Lorelai : So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catchphrase:

  Rory : Oy with the poodles already.

  Lorelai : I'm telling you, it's knocking "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" right out of first place.

• Colin : I'm Colin. And this is Finn. And you are?

  Lorelai : Her mother.

  Finn : My God, those are good genes.

• Rory : So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?

  Lorelai : Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbra Streisand will give her final concert... again.

  Rory : Uh-huh.

  Lorelai : Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.

• Rory : Do something to make me hate you!

  Lorelai : Um, go Hitler?

• Emily : I *just* found out that Sookie is pregnant.

  Lorelai : Uh huh...

  [Emily stares in disbelief] 

  Lorelai : Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with it.

• Lorelai : I miss Max.

  Rory : I know.

  Lorelai : I had a dream about him the other night.

  Rory : Really? Dirty?

  Lorelai : No. Absolutely not. And when you're 21, I'll tell you the real answer.

• Lorelai : Mom, Dad, look. I know we've had our differences over where Rory should go to school, but that's behind us now. She's going to Yale, and, that's good. Really good

  Rory : Nothing but smiles.

  Lorelai : We're both really happy about it.

  Rory : Both.

  Lorelai : Her and me.

  Rory : She and I.

  Lorelai : Everybody in this room named Lorelai is over the moon about the going to Yale.

  Rory : Which means that everybody else in this room not named Lorelai can be, equally over the moon about the going to Yale.

• Lorelai : Schooch down now and go to sleep.

  [she moves Rory's armchair] 

  Rory : What are you doing?

  Lorelai : Nothing, just a little feng shui, go to sleep.

  Rory : Mom, you don't have to sleep in here tonight.

  Lorelai : I know, I just think the chair looks nice here.

  Rory : And what's the blanket for?

  Lorelai : In case the chair gets cold.

  Rory : And the pillow?

  Lorelai : To keep the blanket company.

  Rory : Uh-huh.

  Lorelai : Okay, everything's in its place. Chair seems warm, blanket seems happy, just one thing missing... oh yeah.

  [sits down in chair] 

  Lorelai : Goodnight.

  Rory : Freak of sideshow proportions.

  Lorelai : I love you, too.

  Rory : Mom?

  Lorelai : Hmm?

  Rory : I'm sorry.

  Lorelai : Shh, the chair is trying to sleep.

• Lorelai : Lately I've been having these dark premonitions.

  Rory : About what?

  Luke : [handing Rory and Lorelai their food]  Dead cow... and dead cow.

  Lorelai : That's weird.

  Rory : He's always weird.

  Lorelai : No, I mean my premonitions have been about death... about *my* death.

  Rory : I don't want to hear this!

  Lorelai : And the thing is, they're all silly.

  Rory : What do you mean silly?

  Lorelai : In one, I slip on a banana peel and fall into a giant vat of whipped cream.

  Rory : Silly and fattening.

  Lorelai : In another, a turtle eats me.

  Rory : A turtle? How?

  Lorelai : Very slowly. There's *lots* of chewing.

  Rory : And in your premonition you didn't run away from what is perhaps the slowest land animal on earth?

  Lorelai : His first bite injects me with immobilizing poison.

  Rory : Well, you left that part out.

  Lorelai : This last one's a little more gory. I'm hunting...

  Rory : [interrupts]  A favorite Lorelai Gilmore pastime.

  Lorelai : ...and my shotgun backfires. My whole face spins around a bunch of times and winds up in the back of my head like Daffy Duck.

  Rory : That's the silliest one yet!

  Lorelai : Now if that's how I go, you have to promise to move my face back to the front of my head like Daffy did with his beak.

  Rory : I should really be writing this down.

  Lorelai : You can remember to move my face to the front of my head.

  Rory : It depends on what I have going on that week.

• Lorelai : Oh, hi. You really like my table don't you?

  Joey : I was just, uh...

  Lorelai : Getting to know my daughter.

  Joey : Your...

  Rory : Are you my new daddy?

  Joey : Wow. You do not look old enough to have a daughter. No, I mean it. And you do not look like a daughter.

  Lorelai : That's possibly very sweet of you, Joey. Thanks.

  Joey : So... daughter. You know, I am traveling with a friend.

  Lorelai : She's sixteen.

  Joey : Bye.

• Rory : It's a Friday night. We should be out, I don't know, partying with the homies.

  Lorelai : Our Stars Hollow homies are all in bed by now.

• [Rory has just met Paul, a younger man Lorelai once dated "casually" because he came into Luke's with his parents] 

  Lorelai : What?

  Rory : Nothing.

  Lorelai : Say it!

  Rory : I've always wanted a little brother.

  Lorelai : He looked older the other night.

  Rory : How much older could he possibly look?

  Lorelai : A lot! He's usually a little scruffy, and then the baseball cap hides the funky hair thing.

  Rory : He should've been holding a yo-yo and a lollipop and wearing a beanie with a propeller on it.

  Lorelai : He's in his twenties.

  Rory : He must have been a very good boy to deserve such a happy day. I bet they let him ride a pony.

• Lorelai : This is amazing chicken, Mom. I mean it, really great.

  Emily : Thank you, Lorelai.

  Lorelai : It's like super chicken. I bet it could fly. Have you tried tossing it out the window?

• [Lorelai has had to throw Emily an impromptu bachelorette party and invited all the women from Stars Hollow. Emily is now drunk] 

  Miss Patty : So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours tomorrow.

  Emily : It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai?

  Lorelai : Ab fab, sweetie darling.

  Emily : Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp, Gypsy?

  Gypsy : Please make your mother stop talking to me.

  Lorelai : If only I had that power.

• Rory : Solidarity sister.

  Lorelai : Ya Ya.

  Rory : You've been waiting all summer to say that haven't you?

  Lorelai : Ya Ya.

• ["Gilmore Girls: Beginnings" opening narration] 

  Lorelai : There are many paths in life. There's the "Hey, you're cute, sure, I'll marry you after graduation and med school" and the "Can you drive Susie to soccer today, 'cause I've got a pediure?" path. And then there's my path, where I found myself 16 and pregnant and I realized "I have to get a job, I have to raise a kid and being me, I have to do it all by myself." Not easy. But the thing with my path was, when I reached the end, I turned around and realized I'd ended up someplace really good.

• Lorelai : My shoe broke! I need you to fix it!

  Luke : Do I look like a cobbler to you?

  Lorelai : If I say yes, will you fix it?

• Luke : Maybe one place wasn't so bad.

  Lorelai : Oh good, describe it to me.

  Luke : I don't know. It had walls with a kind of a floor with a light.

  Lorelai : Okay, hold on here, mister. If you tell me it's got a roof, I'm stealing that baby out from under you.

• [Luke is trying to subtly flirt with Lorelai at his diner] 

  Luke : Those jeans are really working for you.

  Lorelai : Yeah?

  Luke : They're working for me, too.

  Lorelai : You're flirting with me.

  Luke : Something like that.

  Lorelai : Finally. Do it some more.

  Luke : Your shoes work well with that... shirt.

  Lorelai : Gee, Carson, thanks.

• Lorelai : [talking to Rory on the phone]  "School comes before mommy's mental health."

• Rory : Mom?

  Lorelai : Oh.

  Rory : You're happy.

  Lorelai : Yeah.

  Rory : Did you do something slutty?

  Lorelai : I'm not that happy.

• Lorelai : Luke, will you marry me?

  Luke : What?

• Luke : Junkie.

  Lorelai : Angel. You've got wings, baby.

• Lorelai : This is a misogynistic truck.

  Luke : What?

  Lorelai : It's anti-woman, it's gender-selective, it's "Oh, let's drink a beer and watch the game and hike our shorts up."

• Rory : [into phone]  And then he showed up with a black eye.

  Lorelai : [into phone]  A black guy?

  Rory : [into phone]  No, eye!

• Lorelai : What happened? The reception on the phone sucked. All I heard was "Rory" and "Chilton" and "Get down here." Whose butt do I have to kick?

  Rory : We didn't go to breakfast.

  Lorelai : What are you talking about?

  Rory : We came here. They broke into the headmaster's office as the big initiation.

  Lorelai : Ugh, those stupid girls.

  Rory : Uh huh. Part of the initiation was ringing a bell. So, that's what I was doing when security showed up and they called you.

  Lorelai : That's what you got busted for? That's it? Bell-ringing?

  Rory : Yes.

  Lorelai : Were you at least smoking a Cuban cigar while you were doing it?

  Rory : Mom.

  Lorelai : No, I mean, "bad girl, how many times have I told you not to ring bells?"

  Rory : [interrupting]  Let's go.

  Lorelai : [continuing]  "They can dent, or scratch, and they make dogs go crazy. Who do you think you are, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? Are you French? Circular? I don't think so."

  Rory : I'm walking to the car now.

  Lorelai : [later]  Was it a big bell at least?

• Lorelai : Hey. Anywhere?

  Luke : Anywhere.

  Lorelai : [to customer at table]  Hm, would you mind moving?

  Luke : I hate when you do that.

  Lorelai : It's my showstopper.

• Richard : Lorelai?

  Lorelai : Yes, Dad?

  Richard : May I speak to you for a moment?

  Michel : [under his breath; in a sing-song voice]  Someone is in trouble.

• Luke : Very romantic.

  Lorelai : Says the man who yelled "Finally." at the end of Love Story.

• Lorelai : Can I ask you stupid questions?

  Luke : There's no such thing.

  Lorelai : How does ink come out of pens?

  Luke : All right, there is such a thing.

• [At the Yale-Harvard football game] 

  Lorelai : Oh, wait, are you Pennilyn Lott, my dad's college sweetheart?

  Pennilyn Lott : Yes.

  Lorelai : You're my almost-mommy.

  Pennilyn Lott : Well, I supposed that's one way of putting it...

  Lorelai : I'm so glad to finally meet you. Let me ask you something - would you have let me get a pony?

• Lorelai : I'm gonna have pancakes with a side of pancakes.

• Rory : When's soon?

  Lorelai : When the big hand hits the "S" and the little hand hits the "OON."

• Luke : It's the kind of lock burglars look for.

  Lorelai : Why do burglars look for that lock?

  Luke : Because it's easy to break into. I proved that.

  Lorelai : You proved that by...?

  Luke : Breaking in through the back door.

• Jess's New Girfriend : Hi.

  Jess : Hi.

  [they kiss] 

  Jess's New Girfriend : So?

  Jess : One sec.

  Jess's New Girfriend : Jess!

  Jess : Relax!

  [closes his book, turns to Luke] 

  Jess : I'm out!

  Rory : Ladies and gentlemen, an entire conversation in one word sentences.

  Dean : [walks into Luke's]  OK, don't hate me, but I already ate breakfast.

  Lorelai : See, nice, full sentences.

  Dean : What?

  Rory : Don't ruin it.

  Dean : OK...

• Lorelai : Luke, um, that's not a bed, that's a raft, which is fine if you're gonna build a moat around the diner but...

  Luke : It's fine.

  Lorelai : Luke, the kid needs a bed. If you want to get him something inflatable, make it a blonde.

• Richard : Oh, I hate to see you waste your time.

  Lorelai : Well, I'll blindfold you then.

• [Lorelai is rejoicing over being able to go down to Luke's diner and get pie whenever she wants] 

  Lorelai : Oh, it's heaven! One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka but hotter.

  Luke : I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.

  Lorelai : Slap on a purple top hat and you're close.

• Michel : [about Paris]  She's back! She's coming back!

  Lorelai : What? Why?

  Michel : I don't know - maybe she forgot her phone, or her spell book, or something.

• Lorelai : [after talking to her mother on her cell phone]  *Your* fault.

  Luke : How is that *my* fault?

  Lorelai : Because you preoccupied me with all your yammering about the meeting so I wasn't thinking and I didn't check to see who was calling before I answered! Boy, it's nice to finally have someone to blame.

• Lorelai : [at the town meeting, when everyone is talking about the bad things that Jess has done]  I hear he controls the weather and wrote the screenplay to Glitter!

• [about new school] 

  Rory : One of the girls already hates me. The guys are weird.

  Lorelai : Weirder than other guys?

  Rory : Yeah, they kept calling me Mary.

  Lorelai : You're kidding me. Wow, I can't believe they still say that.

  Rory : Why? What does it mean?

  Lorelai : It means like, Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody.

  Rory : You're kidding.

  Lorelai : No.

  Rory : Well what would they have called me if they thought I looked like a slut?

  Lorelai : Well, they might have added a Magdalene to it.

  Rory : Wow. Biblical insults. This is an advanced school.

• Lorelai : Hey Mom. You didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky?

  Emily : Could you be any cruder?

  Lorelai : Yeah, I can be cruder. Hey mom, did you get la...

  Rory : Thanks for coming. It was fun. Is everything okay?

• Luke : You go make her stop.

  Lorelai : I'm not going over there.

  Luke : Why not? You're a woman.

  Lorelai : So what?

  Luke : So you have the same parts.

  Lorelai : What?

  Luke : You shouldn't be scared of it.

  Lorelai : Scared of it? You know, you're gonna be a bachelor for a really long time.

• Luke : Ow.

  Lorelai : Luke, are you okay?

  Luke : Stupid box. Stupid lamp.

  Lorelai : Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?

• Luke : Uh, listen, I just want you to know that I had a little talk with Jess earlier.

  Lorelai : You did?

  Luke : Yes, I did, and I really laid down the rules concerning him and Rory. Trust me, he now knows that I am going to be watching them every second they are together.

  Lorelai : Oh good.

  Luke : Yup.

  Lorelai : You know, they're together now.

  Luke : What?

  Lorelai : Oh yeah. 'I have to get a part for my car', 'I'm going to go study' - that's kid code for 'Meet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle.'

  Luke : You're kidding me, right? You don't really think that... damn, they are. They're together. They used the kid code and now they're together.

• Lorelai : Can I use the fun cutter thingy?

  Luke : Not if you call it the fun cutter thingy.

  Lorelai : Please?

  Luke : Cut the boxes, not your hands.

  Lorelai : Good tip, you should teach!

• Luke : I'm different, I'm a loner.

  Lorelai : Oh no. No no. I don't want to hear about the romance of being a loner.

  Luke : Some guys are just naturally loners.

  Lorelai : Yes, lonely guys.

  Luke : Independent guys.

  Lorelai : Sad guys.

  Luke : Maverick guys.

  Lorelai : Lee Harvey Oswald.

  Luke : John Muir.

  Lorelai : The unabomber.

  Luke : Henry David Thoreau

  Lorelai : Every one of these sad and lonely guys.

• Luke : How about that one?

  Lorelai : Too pale. Pale means sickly.

  Luke : Or sunscreen.

  Lorelai : Or mad cow disease.

  Luke : Pale does not mean mad cow disease.

  Lorelai : Have you ever had mad cow disease?

  Luke : Twice last week and my coloring was great.

• Lorelai : Okay, I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke.

  Rory : Was he naked?

  Lorelai : No. He was making breakfast.

  Rory : Naked?

  Lorelai : Ok, you have been in Washington for way too long.

• Emily : I did not steal your father, I simply gave him a choice.

  Richard : When you came to my fraternity in that blue dress, I had no choice.

  Lorelai : You stole my father with fashion.

  Emily : I can't believe you remember the dress.

  Lorelai : I can't believe you were the other woman.

• Emily : What is that?

  Lorelai : It's a paper clip.

  Emily : And what do you intend to do with that paper clip?

  Lorelai : I intend to carve something really dirty into the bathroom door.

  Emily : Lorelai.

  Lorelai : What rhymes with Nantucket?

• Lorelai : Hey, Luke.

  Luke : I'm in bed. I have ten more minutes to sleep. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but still, ten minutes is ten minutes. You know what I mean.

  Lorelai : Sure, yeah.

  Rory : Ten minutes is great.

  Luke : And then the phone rings, and it just rings and rings and rings and rings, so I pick it up.

  Lorelai : And then hopefully got your hearing checked.

  Luke : Can I finish my story?

  Lorelai : I'm just saying, that's a lot of rings.

  Luke : And on the other end of the phone is someone named John who says he's Kyle's father, and Kyle threw a party last night without permission. And two guys got into a fight and tore the place apart, so John wants me to come down and take a look at the damage and discuss some sort of solution to the problem of the damages. Now, I don't know John, and I certainly don't know Kyle, but I do know someone who would get into a fight at a party and leave the place completely trashed. It's a wild guess, but I think his name rhymes with Tess. So here I am, heading in there to talk to John about Kyle and discuss what is to be done about the Hummel.

  Lorelai : The what?

  Luke : Exactly.

  [walks away] 

• Lorelai : Why are we standing here?

  Rory : Because the sign says 'wait to be seated'.

  Lorelai : Yeah, but we're not automatons, we are rule breakers, and there are like fifty open tables.

  Rory : You're exaggerating.

  Lorelai : One, two, three, four, fifty - no I'm not.

• [Luke is shoveling Lorelai's walk after they had a fight] 

  Lorelai : Ooh, this is great. Can we fight again, 'cause I need my roof gutters cleaned.

• [Lorelai and Luke are discussing Rory and her new boyfriend Dean] 

  Lorelai : I have to make her understand that I'm okay with the guy thing. 'Cause not talking about guys and our personal lives - that's me and my mom. That is not me and Rory.

  Luke : Are you okay with the guy thing?

  Lorelai : Yes.

  Luke : Really?

  Lorelai : Okay-ish.

  Luke : That's not okay.

  Lorelai : That's okay with an "ish."

  Luke : Whatever you say.

• Lorelai : My life stinks. Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and say "I wish I were you" at exactly the same time - maybe we'll pull a Freaky Friday.

  Rory : Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around acting really immature. Oh, wait...

  Lorelai : I can't believe you won't switch bodies with me.

  Rory : Forget it. Then I'd have to date Kirk.

• [Lorelai swallows several pills] 

  Emily : What are you taking?

  Lorelai : Rufies?

  Rory : Aspirin.

• Lorelai : [to Rory]  I have to know where you are at all times, especially when you have my shoes on.

• Lorelai : Okay, I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say 'Whoa. Step back. No one's that gay.'

  Lorelai : I have earned the right not to be quizzed about my social life by my sixteen-year-old daughter.

  Rory : I thought I was your best friend.

  Lorelai : When we're at a U2 concert, you are my best friend. But right now you are my sixteen-year-old daughter and I am telling you I do not want to have this conversation.

• Lorelai : 'Mom, I'm getting married.' I'm an idiot. And you know, as my mouth was opening my mind was screaming, 'Don't do it, I mean it, you'll regret it.' But did my mouth listen?

  Rory : No.

  Lorelai : No. And it opened and the words came out, and Emily was Emily, and my mouth was stunned. And my mind said 'I told you so.' And then my mouth got mad because no mouth like's to have it's nose rubbed in it. And now my mind and my mouth aren't talking, and it'll be weeks before we can get the boys together again.

  Rory : Your mouth has a nose?

• Lorelai : What in Lucifer's reach is my mother doing here?

• Lorelai : Ladies never get their own eggrolls. Ladies never get their own anything. They don't even get their own ideas.

  Rory : Oh boy.

  Lorelai : They just sit helplessly and wait for some young strong man to come by and assist them. They don't step in puddles, they don't step over puddles. They can't even look at puddles. They actually need to be blindfolded and thrown in a sack and carried over puddles.

  Rory : Isn't there a moratorium on how long ladies are supposed to talk?

  Lorelai : Uhh, no.

• [to Luke] 

  Lorelai : Date her, marry her, make her Mrs. Backwards baseball cap. See if I care.

• Lorelai : You saved me, I love you, I want to have your baby... Oops too late.

• Lorelai : I would reconsider calling Dean. It's not his fault that you're so fabulous he can't think about anything else.

  Rory : Bye Mom.

  Lorelai : I mean, he just sits in his room, eating Froot Loops out of the box, saying your name over and over and over.

  Rory : Time is ticking.

  Lorelai : Rory, I love you Rory. Rory, I will not be ignored Rory...

• Lorelai : Hey, you didn't wake me up.

  Rory : I set the clock.

  Lorelai : Yes, but see, the clock stops ringing once I throw it against the wall giving me ample time to fall back to sleep. You, however, never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you, thus insuring the wake up process.

• Lorelai : I swear, there is nothing in the world my mother is better at than getting someone to agree to something that in any other universe, they would never ever consider.

  Rory : Mom.

  Lorelai : I am still convinced she had something to do with Lily Tomlin doing that movie with John Travolta.

• Lorelai : Great, fine, do what you want. I guess I'm just out the thousand-dollar deposit.

  Luke : What deposit?

  Lorelai : For the room.

  Luke : What room?

  Lorelai : For the thing, for the afterwards thing...

  Luke : Oh, wait, now, you're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me, aren't you?

  Lorelai : Aren't you?

  Luke : What?

  Lorelai : Who?

• Lorelai : Tell me a joke.

  Rory : Knock knock.

  Lorelai : [giggles]  That was a good one.

• [after Rory has been arrested for stealing a yacht; she's telling Luke about it] 

  Lorelai : Rory never even shoplifted. Not a candy bar, not a lipstick. She forgot to return a library book once. And she was so guilty about it that she grounded herself. I mean, can you imagine? She's just sitting there in her bedroom yelling at me, "Now no one else got to read the Iliad this week because of me!"

• Lorelai : Rory is very low maintenance. Kind of like that robot kid in A.I., only way less mother-obsessed. Oh my God, that kid was so annoying. I would've pushed him out of the car while it was still moving.

• Rory : When is dinner ready?

  Lorelai : Do I look like a timer?

  Rory : I thought you might have set one.

  Lorelai : Silly rabbit.

  Rory : Timers are for kids.

• [Emily has purchased a very small "panic room"] 

  Lorelai : Hey, let's test it out. I'm gonna get you.

  [makes claws with her hands] 

  Emily : [annoyed]  Oh, my God.

  Lorelai : [attempting to be scary]  You better get in there, 'cause I'm a bad guy. Baah!

  Emily : Stop it.

  Lorelai : I'm menacing. Panic, damn it. Come on.

• [Lorelai has to model in a charity event for Booster Club that her mother made her get involved in] 

  Lorelai : Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in.

  Rory : Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date Leonardo DiCaprio now.

  Lorelai : Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing.

  Rory : Lorelai Gilmore. Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You need something that stands out more. How about Waffle. We could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium.

  Lorelai : [dialing on her cell phone]  Okay, I'm crabby, I need to do something about it.

  [on phone] 

  Lorelai : Hey Mom!

  Emily : Well, hello.

  Lorelai : So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did Bitty tell you?

  Emily : No, she did not.

  Lorelai : Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You might want to send someone out there to look.

  Emily : Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting involved.

  Lorelai : Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next weekend, and I volunteered to organize it.

  Emily : Well, good for you.

  Lorelai : Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models.

  Emily : Excuse me?

  Lorelai : Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll provide hair and makeup.

  Emily : Lorelai, you can't be serious.

  Lorelai : Oh, and we'll need your measurements also.

  Emily : This is ridiculous.

  Lorelai : Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm involved, now don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's future?

  Emily : All right.

  Lorelai : Start measuring.

  [hangs up] 

  Rory : You feel better now?

  Lorelai : Waffle's very happy.

• [At Richard and Emily's vow-renewal ceremony] 

  Lorelai : Oh, Marilyn, this is Luke. Luke, this is my cousin Marilyn.

  Luke : Nice to meet you.

  Marilyn : You, too.

  [pulls Lorelai aside] 

  Marilyn : Is he a gardener?

  Lorelai : Um, no, he owns a diner.

  Marilyn : Oh, I've always wanted to have an affair with a gardener. Apparently that's very 'in' now.

• Lorelai : Hey, I have kind of a crazy idea.

  Rory : Those are never comforting words coming from you.

• Lorelai : There goes my little girl, off to rule the world!

  Rory : Paris will be ruling the world, I will be holding the keys.

  Lorelai : Wow, you're pretty, you're smart. Now all you need as a drunken relative behind the scenes embarrassing you with every move they make.

  Rory : Will you get on that?

  Lorelai : I'm two steps ahead of you.

• Rory : Oh, look, babies.

  Lorelai : I never wanna hear that come out of your mouth again.

• Lorelai : You're my favorite daughter.

  Rory : You say that to all your daughters.

  Lorelai : Yes, I do, but I only mean it with you.

• [Emily's friend 'Sweetie' has just passed away] 

  Lorelai : Was that her real name - Sweetie?

  Emily : No, her name was Melinda. Sweetie was a nickname.

  Lorelai : Why?

  Emily : What do you mean, why?

  Lorelai : I mean, how did they get Sweetie from Melinda?

  Emily : They didn't get Sweetie from Melinda. Sweetie is a nickname.

  Lorelai : Yes, I know Sweetie was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something.

  Emily : She was sweet. That's the story.

  Lorelai : Okay.

  Emily : She had a very sweet nature.

  Lorelai : Hmm.

  Emily : Well, what kind of story did you want, Lorelai?

  Lorelai : No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her Sweetie. It's a good story.

  Emily : No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you?

  Lorelai : Mom, it's not to amuse me. It's...

  Emily : All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man - so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store. The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family. He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name Sweetie. There, how was that?

  Lorelai : Now, that was a pretty good story.

• Lorelai : Ugh. There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.

• Lorelai : Hey, if that's a crack at my housekeeping skills... well then, okay.

• Emily : Champagne, anyone?

  Lorelai : Oh, that's fancy.

  Emily : Well it's not every day I have my girls here for dinner on a day the banks are open.

• Zach : Hey, Lorelai, get yourself a wink-winker?

  Lorelai : What?

  Lane : Please erase this from your brain.

  Lorelai : I will definitely try.

• Lorelai : Hey, I should bring steak sauce, right?

  Rory : For what?

  Lorelai : Pizza.

  Rory : I just got back from Italy.

  Lorelai : So?

  Rory : So they'd shoot you in Italy for that.

  Lorelai : Ah, but this is America, where we unapologetically bastardize other countries' cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy.

  Rory : I forgot. Bring on the imperialistic condiments.

• Luke : [talking about a partner for the dance marathon]  What about that one?

  Lorelai : Mhm... No.

  Luke : Why not?

  Lorelai : Too pale.

  Luke : So what?

  Lorelai : Pale means sick.

  Luke : Or sunscreen.

  Lorelai : Or mad cow disease.

  Luke : Pale does not mean mad cow disease.

  Lorelai : Have you ever had mad cow disease?

  Luke : Twice last week and my coloring was wonderful.

• Lorelai : I really like him, Rory. I can't help it. And it's been a really long time since I've felt like this. You can't always control who you're attracted to, you know. I think the whole Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thronton thing really proves that

• [Lorelai wants Luke to fire the annoying new guy he hired] 

  Lorelai : He doesn't write the orders down, he never brings you food that's hot or yours, he can't distinguish bagels from doughnuts, he hands out butt napkins, and he has worn that Foreigner t-shirt every single day since he started working here and he doesn't know who they are. I asked him.

  Luke : What are butt napkins?

  Lorelai : Kirk needed a napkin, and he pulled one out of his back pocket.

  Luke : Hey, Bren?

  Brennon Lewis : Yeah, boss?

  Luke : Did you give Kirk a napkin out of your back pocket?

  Brennon Lewis : Yeah.

  Luke : Don't.

  Brennon Lewis : Okay.

• Lorelai : Are you going to kiss me now? You are so incredibly predictable.

• Lorelai : Oh, but I got here early and there was nothing to do except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which, apparently, the United States government frowns upon.

  Rory : You got in trouble with the government while you were waiting for me?

  Lorelai : Just a little.

  Rory : How much is a little?

  Lorelai : Learn Russian.

• Lorelai : I thought inviting those girls out would make things easier for you at school.

  Rory : Yeah, well I've always thought 'easy' is completely overrated.

  Lorelai : Oh, that's my twisted girl.

• Rory : I can't even open my eyes.

  Lorelai : That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.

  Rory : Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my eyes again.

• Lorelai : I don't hate you.

  Dean : No?

  Lorelai : No, though I did imagine at least 20 different ways to remove your head from your body.

  Dean : Really? Which one looked the best?

  Lorelai : Hedge clippers. Really dull ones.

  Dean : No, you wouldn't want it to go quick, would you?

• [many alarm clocks go off] 

  Lorelai : You are hilarious.

  [Going down the stairs] 

  Lorelai : Okay, see, last night when I said to you: "Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I get up at seven," what I actually meant was: "tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I have the option of getting up seven, in case, when seven comes, I actually wanna get up." Which, as it happen, I didn't. Therefore, you're currently responsible for the great alarm clock slaughter of 2002.

  Luke : No survivor?

  Lorelai : The one shaped like a bunny escaped with a mild decapitation.

• Lorelai : Hey, maybe that's the Town Loner's point. That, like, he's protesting man's inability to communicate by not communicating and getting us all to talk about communication.

  Rory : Whoa, you are blowin' my mind here.

• Lorelai : Independence Inn.

  Emily : You really should identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.

  Lorelai : Sorry. Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better?

• Rory : We go. We look. Hi Yale. Bye Yale. It's over. No harm. No foul.

  Lorelai : How many more two-word sentences can you come up with?

• Luke : We're out of food.

  Lorelai : Oh, please, we're not eating for a year.

  Rory : Or 'til tomorrow morning.

  Lorelai : Whichever comes first.

• Emily : You brought us used dessert?

  Lorelai : It's not used. It's leftover.

  Emily : How nice. I'll just put it in the kitchen next to my half-empty box of Cheer.

• Rory : Who are the rosary beads for?

  Lorelai : They're mine.

  Rory : What do you need rosary beads for?

  Lorelai : They're cute.

  Rory : They're for prayer.

  Lorelai : Well, pray they match my blue suit.

  Rory : They've just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, jacuzzi tub, junior suite in hell.

• Kirk : [Kirk runs into Lukes Diner yelling]  My girlfriend's the whore! My girlfriend's the whore!

  Lorelai : Oh, great, now I'm not even the town whore.

• Taylor : Could this meeting be more disrupted?

  Lorelai : I could do a soft shoe.

  Rory : Yeah, while I pound out a beat on the bongos.

  Babette : Ooh, that sounds like fun.

  Miss Patty : I got bongos in the back.

• Rory : You know, you always make me tell you what I'm thinking.

  Lorelai : Yes, and the lesson we have learned from that is you should never become a spy.

• Rory : Grandma, I can't believe you found the recipe for Beefaroni.

  Emily : It wasn't easy. Antonia thought I'd gone insane.

  Lorelai : Well...

  Emily : No one needs a comment from you.

• Rory : Before I knew it, Grandma was telling me how important it is for a person to be properly presented to society.

  Lorelai : Ugh.

  Rory : And how every young girl dreams of this day.

  Lorelai : Agh.

  Rory : And how there are flowers.

  Lorelai : Oh Lord.

  Rory : And music.

  Lorelai : Please.

  Rory : And cake.

  Lorelai : Oh yeah, the cake's actually good.

• Christopher : May I have this dance?

  Lorelai : I don't know. Do you have a trust fund? Always make sure.

• Lorelai : What about Paris, does she ever sleep?

  Rory : I think she periodically makes a whirring noise and then just shuts down.

• Luke : So, back from the ball huh?

  Lorelai : Yes, I left behind a glass slipper and a business card in case the prince is really dumb.

  Luke : Good and desperate thinking.

  Lorelai : Thank you.

• [Emily and Richard have split up] 

  Emily : At some point you have to face facts, and the facts are, he's moved on. And therefore I should move on also.

  Lorelai : Absolutely. MoveOn.org.

  Emily : [pause]  I think it's time for me to date.

  Lorelai : [chokes on her drink]  Oh, my God.

  Emily : I want to go on a date.

  Lorelai : With - a *man*?

  Emily : No, a weasel. Of course, a man!

  Lorelai : I'm not hearing this.

  Emily : Well, why shouldn't I date? I'm still a viable commodity.

  Lorelai : I need a paper towel and a Valium, please.

  Emily : There are plenty of men at the club who, in the past, have made their interest in me known, I just need to figure out how to reciprocate their feelings. You have a lot of experience with men. How do you let them know that you're available?

  Lorelai : Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick.

  Emily : Lorelai, stop it. I need help here. It's been years since I did this, and I don't remember the proper procedure! Now take me through this step-by-step. You see a man, you walk up to him and you say...

  Lorelai : ...Hello.

  Emily : Is that too forward?

  Lorelai : No, it's the appropriate way to indicate you're open to a social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your hindquarters.

  [Emily glares] 

• Lorelai : This is it. She can finally go to Harvard like she's always wanted and get the education that I never got and get to do all the things that I never got to do and then I can resent her for it and we can finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship.

• Lorelai : The freaking Blue Man Group is outside our house!

  Rory : I was sleeping through it!

  Lorelai : It had to have woken you up.

  Rory : No, my insane mother Margot Kidder Gilmore woke me up.

• Lorelai : [to Rory]  You've got Bambi voice.

• Rory : [on phone with Lorelai]  I told you to call my landline. My cell phone bill is astronomical.

  Lorelai : But a conversation with me - priceless.

• Lorelai : I am a grown woman.

  Rory : Says the woman with the Hello Kitty waffle iron.

• [Lorelai pulls a shirt from Luke's closet] 

  Lorelai : Oh my God.

  Luke : What?

  Lorelai : Jimmy Buffett?

  Luke : Put that back.

  Lorelai : You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow.

  Luke : I've just been to a few shows, that's all.

  Lorelai : A few shows? Oh my God, you're a Buffetthead.

  Luke : Is that the one you want me to wear or not?

  Lorelai : Sing Margaritaville.

  Luke : No.

  Jess : That attitude's gonna lose you that toy.

  Luke : Stay outta this.

• Lorelai : Boy, you'd think love songs are all you and Lane would wanna play.

  Zach : Man, this crunch just now sounded like the drum-fill in Baba O'Reilly.

  Dave : Yeah, Zach, a musical mouth. That's awesome.

  Zach : But why would Dave and Lane wanna play just love songs?

  Lorelai : Because, I was just thinking, you know, with Dave's name - Dave - you've got the last two letters in love. V, E. And with Lane's name, you have the L. You can just dump the A and add an O and there you go.

• Lorelai : I just broke up with someone.

  Luke : Yeah.

  Lorelai : We'd been dating for a few months now.

  Luke : I figured there was someone in the picture.

  Lorelai : You did? How?

  Luke : Just clues. You know, you never dressed weather-appropriate, that kind of thing.

• [Luke has hired a new waiter] 

  Rory : Oh, my god.

  Lorelai : What?

  Rory : He hired Brennon Lewis.

  Lorelai : And?

  Rory : Ew!

  Lorelai : He doesn't look that bad.

  Rory : He's the boy who dissected a frog, did not wash his hands, and then ate a sandwich.

  Lorelai : Ew!

  Rory : He's like the lost Farrelly brother. He's so stupid. He watched 'The Breakfast Club' and decided to tape his own butt cheeks together.

• Lorelai : So, apparently, I'm now the Reigning Lorelai.

  Rory : Huh. I guess you are.

  Lorelai : It's a lot of responsibility.

  Rory : Well, sure.

  Lorelai : I mean, it's mostly ceremonial stuff nowadays. Declaring knighthoods, opening supermarkets. But now and then, you get to banish someone or pose for a stamp.

  Rory : Neat. And coins.

  Lorelai : Yeah, and coins. You know, someday you'll be the Reigning Lorelai.

  Rory : I don't like that idea!

  Lorelai : Why not? You get a cape.

  Rory : Because if I'm the Reigning Lorelai, then that means you'll be gone.

  Lorelai : Gone? No, not me. I'll step down way before that. I'm not going to pull a Queen Elizabeth on you, make you wait around forever, force you to develop interests in polo and architecture.

  Rory : I am scared of horses.

  Lorelai : I know that.

  Rory : So there's a cape, huh?

• Lorelai : How does Charlie Rose screw up your REM sleep?

  Luke : Because he's always got some guy on pushing a book about how everything's all going to hell, or they're going to pass a law, how everyone with a nose ring is going to get shipped off to China. Suddenly you're depressed, thinking we're all going to die and don't drink the water, there's anthrax in my bagel - and bam, there goes your REM sleep.

  Lorelai : Or Mel Brooks is on, and he is so funny, and you think, "What a wonderful world we live in, that there's a Mel Brooks to go to sleep to."

  Luke : Mel Brooks is never on Charlie Rose, and when he is on he's talking about Nazis, and then you go to sleep and you dream about Nazis and they all look like Nathan Lane, and you're creeped out for days.

• Sookie : What's going on?

  Lorelai : Michel's gonna live forever.

  Sookie : Like the kids from 'Fame'?

  Lorelai : That's what I said.

• Rory : So, Grandpa, how's the insurance biz?

  Richard : Oh, people die, we pay. People crash, we pay. People lose a foot, we pay.

  Lorelai : Well, at least you have your new slogan.

• Lorelai : You ruined my joke.

  Rory : Um, no, the punch line ruined your joke.

• Rory : Agh, my shoes.

  Lorelai : You don't need shoes. In my day, we walked twenty miles in the snow just to get to our shoes.

• Michel : Mm, how's your arm raise? Good?

  Lorelai : Pretty good.

  Michel : Ah, I have an excellent arm raise.

  Lorelai : That's what it says on the bathroom wall.

• Mia : The town had a fake murder?

  Lorelai : Yes, because the town is too dull to have a real murder.

• Rory : Not fair.

  Lorelai : Yes fair. The fairest. The Snow White of fair.

• Lorelai : It's not my fault that yes and Jess rhyme.

• Luke : Shouldn't we give thanks first?

  Jess : Thanks for what?

  Luke : Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.

  Lorelai : Amen.

• Lorelai : [to Luke]  I've seen you swimming at the lake so I've seen you with your shirt off.

  Jess : Lately? 'Cause he's really let himself go.

• Lorelai : I need you, Dean. The team needs you.

  Dean : What team?

  Lorelai : Pick a team - it needs you.

• Luke : I gotta get back to stuffing my turkey.

  Lorelai : Oh, honey, do you have time to do that and prep your Thanksgiving food?

• Sookie : I should not be a parent.

  Lorelai : Sookie. Look at me. There are many people in this world who should not have been parents. Mr. and Mrs. Hitler for example. The Bin Ladens could have watched TV that night. Richard and Emily might have taken a pass at procreating. But... you. No way. You're going to be a great parent.

• Luke : Why can't you respect the rules of my diner?

  Lorelai : I do respect the rules of your diner. It's that baseball cap I have issues with.

• Michel : Yes, this place is impressive,isn't it? I mean, the uniform alone... like working in your jammies. And these headsets, are they not fabulous? Especially when, for example, you're in the bathroom, a place one would normally choose to be alone. Then suddenly... BANG... someone is yakking in your ear. How delightful. You can never get lonely.

  Lorelai : I suppose not.

  Michel : And the people who work here. A joy. So young, so talented. Some of them are actors in ambitious off-Broadway reviews. They play cockroaches and derelicts, do Shakespeare dressed like punk rockers. It gives me chills just thinking about it.

• Lorelai : So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.

  Rory : The other side of...?

  Lorelai : The *other* side!

  Rory : With Republicans...?

• Lorelai : You know how on All in the Family when Edith would be yapping about something and Archie would pretend to make a noose and hang himself or shoot himself in the head?

  Rory : Yeah?

  Lorelai : I don't know. Something about this moment just made me think of that.

• Emily : I guess it must be present time.

  Rory : You didn't have to.

  Lorelai : Oh yeah, Mom, you didn't have to. Unless you got something that'll fit me too, in which case, good going.

• Christopher : I have to stay up and do a little work tonight.

  Lorelai : [laughs]  I'm sorry. I keep forgetting that's not a joke anymore.

• Lorelai : Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Gilmores of our lives.

• Richard : Lorelai, this is just beautiful. It's like something out of Architectural Digest. You should be very proud.

  Lorelai : Thanks Dad.

  Emily : Your dress needs pressing.

  Lorelai : Thanks Mom.

• Lorelai : Hey, how many margaritas is too many margaritas?

  Rory : Um, if you can't remember where the living room is.

  Lorelai : Ha ha, I'm still good.

• [Luke and Lorelai arrive at Emily and Richard's vow renewal. Luke is already in his suit and complains that his pants are wrinkled] 

  Lorelai : Hey, stop being such a nancy-boy about the pants. Think Hemingway ever gave a crap what his pants looked like?

  Luke : Hemingway blew his brains out, also. How much of a role model do you want me to make this guy?

• Lorelai : Do you know how to make coffee?

  Christopher : Yes, I do.

  Lorelai : My coffee?

  Christopher : One bag of coffee per cup of water, right?

  Lorelai : Perfect.

• Lorelai : I'm going to make out in the coatroom. Don't eat my chicken.

  Rory : That's going on your tombstone.

• Lorelai : I need you to look at Kirk's butt.

  Sookie : Why?

  Lorelai : Well, because he ran into some rose bushes and he's got some thorns stuck in it and I thought of you.

  Sookie : Me? Why me?

  Lorelai : Well, because... you're a chef.

• Luke : [bringing their plates to the table]  Hot plates.

  Lorelai : [to Rory]  See? He called me 'Hot Plates.' He so likes me.

  Luke : [embarrassed]  Geez...

• [Max and Lorelai are talking on the phone, Max is in the Teacher's Lounge at Chilton] 

  Lorelai : Grunt like a gorilla.

  Max : I will not grunt like a gorilla.

  Lorelai : If you grunt like a gorilla I'll tell you what color underwear I'm wearing.

  Lorelai : [pause]  Had you considering the grunt, didn't I?

  Max : Yes.

  Lorelai : Boy, I'm good.

• Paris : I could really call you?

  Lorelai : Anytime. Anywhere.

  Paris : I'm gonna hold you to that.

  Lorelai : Okay. It's not a threat, sweetie if someone makes the offer willingly.

• Lorelai : Rory took a break from Yale.

  Christopher : And the apocalypse is this week? Next week?

• Luke : [Lorelai is whining because the noisy workers have left without saying goodbye]  I thought you'd be happy!

  Lorelai : Yeah, I am, but sad at the same time. Never been with a woman before?

• Lane : Lorelai!

  Lorelai : Hi Lane!

  Lane : You're in possession.

  Lorelai : Of what?

  Lane : Of the wedding dress.

  Lorelai : Oh, um yeah, it's safe and sound. I was just starting to dig into it.

  Lane : Don't dig! Slice, kick, maim, destroy!

  Lorelai : What?

  Lane : Stick a mad pack of wolves on it, douse it with lighter fluid and turn it into ash, I cannot wear that dress!

  Lorelai : Yeah I know. It's a little Old World.

  Lane : Have you looked at it?

  Lorelai : Parts of it.

  Lane : Exactly, you can't take it in all at once, the human eye is not capable.

  Lorelai : Oh, it's not that bad.

  Lane : Its got pants.

  Lorelai : [intakes breath]  No!

  Lane : You didn't look at it very carefully.

  Lorelai : Well, I will remove the pants.

  Lane : Oh, it's every girl's dream to hear the woman altering her wedding dress say "I'll remove the pants."

  Lorelai : I'm sure once I alter it a little...

  Lane : No don't alter it, have an accident! Leave a warm iron on it, spill a vat of acid on it, run your car over it!

  Lorelai : Lane. Lane! I haven't even put it on the mannequin yet. Let me startwork on it and I will keep you fully posted every step of the way.

  [Later Lorelai is looking at the awful thing, picks up the hoop skirt end and notices the tiny white pants with gold trim underneath, steps away for a second then steps back and spills the coffee she is holding all over it] 

• Lorelai : It's from my mother.

  Rory : What is it?

  Lorelai : It's heavy. It must be her hopes and dreams for me.

  Rory : I thought she discarded those years ago.

• Rory : Can we not say the word college for at least forty-eight hours?

  Lorelai : Fine.

  Rory : Thank you.

  Lorelai : How 'bout collage, can we say collage? 'Cause it sounds the same but it's actually very different.

  Rory : Collage is fine.

  Lorelai : Okay, good, 'cause I don't even know how to get through a conversation without the word collage.

• Rory : What's with the carrots?

  Lorelai : I was afraid you weren't eating well at school.

  Rory : Ohhh.

  Lorelai : Marshmallow?

• Rory : I have to perform Act Five of "Romeo and Juliet" with Paris, Madeline and Louise.

  Lorelai : Really?

  Rory : Paris has appointed herself as director.

  Lorelai : Nice. What part are you playing?

  Rory : I don't know yet. She's still mulling over the screen tests right now. We're gonna find out tomorrow.

  Lorelai : Screen tests?

  Rory : 24 takes.

  Lorelai : Ah, I so want a copy.

  Rory : Forget it.

  Lorelai : Sell it on the Internet, make a fortune. 'First we brought you Pamela and Tommy Lee, now prepare yourselves for the crazy antics of Rory and the Bard.'

  Rory : Oh, and I told Paris that you would make all of our costumes so she wants to have a concept meeting with you tomorrow at three.

  Lorelai : What?

  Rory : Yeah, she needs a resume and samples of your previous work and, uh, referrals.

  Lorelai : And my bare butt to kiss?

  Rory : If you think that will set you apart from the other applicants, yes.

• Lorelai : You lost me at carrots, which was the first draft of 'you had me at hello'.

• Richard : Focus, please.

  Lorelai : I am a camera.

• Luke : [about Lorelei walking into the diner wearing only Luke's shirt]  You wear crazy outfits all the time.

  Lorelai : They usually include *pants*!

• [regarding Lorelai's birthday party] 

  Rory : Oh, I'm sorry. You wanted a party? I told everyone you didn't want to make a big deal out of your birthday this year.

  Lorelai : You're not funny.

  Rory : Ms. Patty and Babette wanted to hire these two hot guys to carry you around all day and feed you Bon-Bons, and Kirk wanted to hire the Red Hot Chili Peppers to play a concert in the square, but I said "Hey, please, respect the lady's wishes. She deserves that at her age.'"

  Lorelai : Why are you so cruel to mama?

  Rory : I have to go.

  Lorelai : Where?

  Rory : None of your business.

  Lorelai : You *are* planning something for Friday night, aren't you?

  Rory : I'll bring back Chinese for dinner.

  Lorelai : And you tell people, no matter what they say, I just couldn't accept a new car. It would be beneath me and I would be completely humiliated. And a convertible would just make me fling myself off a building!

  Rory : Bye.

• Lorelai : No, Mom, I'm shopping for Rory. You're shopping for your imaginary granddaughter, Barbara Hutton.

• [Sookie is getting ready to go on her first date with Jackson] 

  Sookie : I'm scared.

  Lorelai : I know.

  Sookie : I like him.

  Lorelai : He likes you.

  Sookie : How do you know he's not being polite?

  Lorelai : Sookie!

  Sookie : No, I mean it. It's like I cornered him and he felt trapped and he had to say yes.

  Lorelai : He did not have to say yes.

  Sookie : Oh my God. Technically, I am his employer.

  Lorelai : Sookie!

  Sookie : I am. I buy his wares. His livelihood depends on me.

  Lorelai : Sookie!

  Sookie : Oh! I'm a sexual harasser!

  Lorelai : Well, then you need some false eyelashes.

  Sookie : This isn't funny. I am now desperate, lonely and a criminal.

• Lorelai : Kirk asked me out.

  Rory : Shut up!

  Lorelai : Yesterday.

  Rory : That's so sweet!

  Lorelai : Rory!

  Rory : What are you gonna wear? Ooh, you should wear your dress with the ponies on it, I bet he likes ponies.

  Lorelai : You're not serious.

  Rory : I bet you'll have a good time.

  Lorelai : "Hello, headmaster Charleston, this is my stepdad, Kirk. Try not to make any sudden movements, he's a fear biter!"

  Rory : OK, so how are you gonna let him down?

• Lorelai : I think I have gangrene.

  Rory : You do not.

  Lorelai : And vertigo.

  Rory : Oh boy.

  Lorelai : And one leg suddenly feels shorter than the other.

  Rory : This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper cut incident all over again, isn't it?

• Dean : We sat down and started reading a book and we fell asleep.

  Lorelai : Well, pick a more interesting book next time.

• Lorelai : Hey, what do you know about this town loner guy?

  Luke : Same as everyone. Just kind of skulks around with that backpack, never smiles.

  Lorelai : Does he also make cheeseburgers and secretly harbor a desire to wear a backwards baseball cap?

  Luke : What?

  Lorelai : [sings]  They're cousins, identical cousins...

  Luke : Stop it.

• Lorelai : Boy, it's cold in here.

  Rory : It's a lot colder where you're sitting.

  Lorelai : Ugh. She's mad at me.

  Rory : Yup.

  Lorelai : Think she's gonna be mad at me all night?

  Rory : Yup.

  Lorelai : I guess I should go in there and talk to her.

  Rory : Yup.

  Lorelai : You wouldn't wanna go in there and talk to her for me?

  Rory : Nope.

  Lorelai : Good thing you don't get paid by the word.

  Rory : The sooner you get in there, the sooner you get cheese.

  Lorelai : Fine.

• Emily : I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call.

  Lorelai : No, that's not true. I've left messages on your machine.

  Emily : Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up.

• Emily : What can we do in a bathroom?

  Lorelai : Meet George Michael.

  Emily : What?

• Lorelai : Have you seen Sookie and Jackson?

  Luke : Nope.

  Lorelai : I've looked everywhere for them.

  Luke : Have you tried the insane asylum where everybody in this room is supposed to be?

• Andrew : I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.

  Lorelai : There it is - our new town slogan.

  Rory : I like it.

  Lorelai : I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.

  Rory : Don't forget stuffed shish-kabobbed birds.

  Lorelai : That moan when you squeeze 'em.

• Lorelai : Uh oh. Jackson's got that panicked "my girlfriend wants me to get married" face on.

  Sookie : Yup. Hey, next time he's here, tell him that you're pregnant.

  Lorelai : With twins.

  Sookie : Why not?

• Max Medina : I don't know if you've realized, but every gift so far has been for you.

  Lorelai : Yes, well, in this town, I am the queen. You are simply my jester.

• Lorelai : Wow. Harvard is over 300 years old.

  Rory : Founded in 1636.

  Lorelai : That means that almost everyone who ever went to Harvard is dead now. Are you sure you still want to go here?

• Lorelai : And people can evolve together, don't you think?

  Luke : Maybe.

  Lorelai : Yoko and John Lennon did. They just got closer and closer as the years went by. At the end, they had the same face.

  Luke : Yeah, it got a little spooky.

  Lorelai : But cool.

• Lorelai : Past graduates. Henry James-isn't that a beer?

  Rory : And a novelist. Go on.

  Lorelai : John Adams. That's a beer.

  Rory : Our second president. He's very in right now.

  Lorelai : W.E.B. Du Bois, Yo-Yo Ma. Oh cool. Fred Gwynn.

  Rory : Who?

  Lorelai : Herman Munster. Now I'm impressed.

• Lorelai : Aren't baby shower balloons supposed to reflect the sex of the baby? Blue for boys, pink for girls.

  Rory : You would think.

  Lorelai : What's green for, aliens?

• Lane : Oh my God, you guys walk fast. I've been chasing you for the past two blocks.

  Rory : Hey, we were being followed.

  Lorelai : I told you I wasn't just being paranoid. Maybe next time you'll take me seriously when I tell you furniture moved itself.

• [Lorelai and Rory arrive late to the town meeting] 

  Taylor : Late again, are we?

  Lorelai : Ooh, yes, I hope I'm not pregnant.

  Taylor : What?

  Lorelai : Are these seats taken?

• Lorelai : [walking into Luke's diner]  Give me a burger, onion rings, cheese fries, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I'm lookin' for some heroes.

• Sookie : A child is not a duvet cover. You can't just take it back if it doesn't like you.

  Lorelai : Luckily, duvet covers notoriously like whoever they go home with. They're like golden retrievers.

  Sookie : You know what happens when kids don't like you? They tie you to a chair. They brain you with a bat. They set fire to the house and blame it on the neighbors.

  Lorelai : Wow, now you can't have kids or live next door to them.

• Rory : If we were caught smuggling hash over the border and we were thrown in some Turkish prison, wouldn't you want someone to know that we were in Turkey?

  Lorelai : Where'd we get this hash we were smuggling?

  Rory : You were at a café, you met a guy, he was sweet-talking you, he put the stuff in your purse when you weren't looking.

  Lorelai : At least tell me he was cute.

  Rory : He was not bad for a hash dealer.

• Taylor : All right, the nays have it. Let the record reflect it. Lorelai, I hope that's not food in those bags. Food is not allowed at town meetings.

  Lorelai : No, Taylor. It's not. It's, um, diapers for the little ones.

  Taylor : What?

  Lorelai : Dorsal fins and Cucamonga.

  Taylor : What did she say?

  Lorelai : [whispers to Max]  I confuse him till he loses his train of thought and then he moves on. Hot dog?

• [Having moved into the pool house, Richard now has his own valet/butler, Robert] 

  Rory : Do you think he's happy?

  Lorelai : I do. I think he's very happy out here with his books and his special friend, Robert.

  Rory : Don't be gross.

  Lorelai : What? I'm just saying two grown men out here alone with Hungarian cheese and swim trunks...

  Rory : Oh, jeez.

  Lorelai : Don't be so puritanical. After all, Heather has two mommies.

• Rory : Uhh, Barry Manilow.

  Lorelai : Ugh, stop.

  Rory : Looks like we made it...

  Lorelai : Oh, yeah? Spice Girls.

  Rory : Duran Duran.

  Lorelai : Dido.

  Rory : Olivia Newton John.

  Lorelai : The Macarena. You and Lane for hours and hours, for weeks on end.

  Rory : Hey, we were mocking. You can't mock the mocking.

  Lorelai : All right. It's getting ugly. Let's stop.

  Rory : Let's be friends again.

  Lorelai : All right.

  Rory : Hmm-hmm.

  Lorelai : Stop it.

• Lorelai : It's not funny, it's bad. I have to see this guy. He works at every business in town, I can't get away from him.

  Rory : Well, then you should marry him and move in with his mother.

• Rory : So how was in seeing Max last night?

  Lorelai : Well...

  Rory : No gory details.

  Lorelai : Like I've ever shared that part of my relationship with you.

  Rory : You've alluded, you've insinuated, you have tiptoed to the brink of impropriety.

  Lorelai : Hm, that Chilton has taught you some big words.

  Rory : That's kind of the point.

• Lorelai : Hey, I'm studying in there...

  Rory : I know.

  Lorelai : Yeah. I have, like, 6,000 pages of case studies to memorize and this whole big test on the Wal-Mart phenomena coming up on Friday and because I have a life and a job and business school's not the only thing I have to concentrate on I'm behind, and I'll probably fail and then that little 18-year-old annoying gnat who sits behind me will get another 'A' and make that 'I'm smart you're dumb' fact to me for the rest of the week and I'll be very upset and will possibly cry.

  Rory : The music's too loud.

  Lorelai : Yes.

• Lorelai : That's the *last* time I buy anything just because it's furry.

• [Advice for Rory to answer the phone] 

  Lorelai : If it's Mick Jagger, run away and ring the bell I gave you.

• Rory : Poor Dean.

  Lorelai : Poor Dean, he has to spend one evening with him. I share chromosomes with the guy.

• Emily : Lorelai, you almost ran me over.

  Lorelai : Well, good thing we're in a hospital.

• Lorelai : All those Stars Hollow moms looked alike, except for Lane's mom and that one mom with the freaky glass eye that never moved.

• Luke : Thank you for not being related to me.

  [Lorelai snickers] 

  Luke : That came out wrong.

  Lorelai : No, I got it.

• Lorelai : You want to devil-egg Jess' car? And how is that gonna make me feel better about Sherry?

  Rory : Because it's active. It's aggressive. It's destructive, but not too destructive. I don't know... can you make something up?

  Lorelai : Let's do it.

• Rory : She's very up on traffic flow and rush hour and all that.

  Lorelai : She's Rand McNally.

  Rory : She should do traffic reports on the radio.

  Lorelai : Hi, this is Sherry Tinsdale. Looks like there's a tie-up on the boulevard. They appear to be moving every building in Harvard University so now it's just one point three miles from my house. Nice job, guys.

  Rory : You're awful.

  Lorelai : Oh, and lots of cars stopped at a blue light on Garvey Avenue. Why a blue light? Well, 'cause blue's the new red.

• Lorelai : We disappointed Luke.

  Rory : I didn't think it was possible.

  Lorelai : Our powers are greater than we know.

• Lorelai : Come on, Rory. We will be going to dinner there next week and every week for the rest of our lives. And I mean the rest of our lives, because my parents will outlive us. The damned can do that.

• Lorelai : Oh man. Smell this.

  Rory : What?

  Lorelai : I forgot that pillows don't have to smell like feet.

• Lorelai : How ya doing there, champ?

  Rory : Early.

  Lorelai : Yes, it's a tad early.

  Rory : No sun.

  Lorelai : Well, he's not up yet.

• Lorelai : Lane can't quit the band. She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono.

  Rory : I told her that.

  Lorelai : All right, let's go eat... see if we can figure out a way to salvage my future as a groupie.

• Lorelai : What's that?

  Sookie : That is a vat of boiling oil.

  Lorelai : Really? Where's Quasimodo?

  Sookie : This is not a joking matter.

  Rory : What is the oil for?

  Lorelai : For pouring on visigoths.

  Sookie : Lorelai.

  Lorelai : When else am I gonna get to use my visigoth material?

• Lorelai : Don't study so much that you get brilliant, go mad, grow a big bald egghead and try to take over the world, okay, 'cause I wanna go shoe shopping this weekend.

  Rory : Promise, I will not go mad until we get you some boots.

• Rory : You're lying.

  Lorelai : I'm being mysterious. That's what women do.

• Rory : How am I supposed to get into Harvard if I have no wilderness skills?

  Lorelai : I don't know honey. Maybe you'll have to give up your dream of majoring in logging.

• Lorelai : Boy they keep making that ketchup slower and slower, huh?

  Luke : It's the Heinz family's little joke.

• Rory : Here's the gin. It's brown, right?

  Lorelai : I love that you think that.

• [on Emily's panic room] 

  Emily : It'll stop a 9-millimeter shell.

  Lorelai : Handy for when Suge Knight comes for tea.

• [Emily found a sequined vest in Richard's closet and is very upset about it] 

  Rory : I have never seen Grandma so singularly obsessed about a piece of clothing.

  Lorelai : Not since I wore my 'Gas, Grass, or Ass - No one rides for free' t-shirt to the junior league spring tea.

• Emily : [Emily is trying on clothes]  Look at the red pantsuit.

  Lorelai : [Lorelai looks at it]  Nice.

  Emily : Nice?

  Lorelai : Nice... and red... and pantsuity.

• Rory : [about Emily wanting to see other men]  What? Why?

  Lorelai : He wouldn't butter her roll.

• Emily : Focus the picture Lorelai.

  Lorelai : It is focused.

  Rory : That's how it came out.

  Emily : It's hurting my eyes.

  Lorelai : Come on Mom, they're supposed to be a little arty.

  Rory : Plus she doesn't know how to use her camera.

  Lorelai : I've only had it six years.

  Emily : It's like I have glaucoma.

• Lorelai : Hey, I'm gonna find a ladies room. You know, sneak a smoke, see if anybody slipped an aspirin in my coke.

  Rory : Okay, Rizzo.

• Lorelai : Okay, don't concentrate too hard. Boys like 'em dumb, right Jackson?

  Jackson : If you can navigate yourself around a tree, keep on walking.

• Lorelai : I ate the fuzzy Certs.

  Rory : Gross.

  Lorelai : They tasted like keys.

• Lorelai : Well, since you still haven't told me what exactly it is that you do, I'm gonna go with yoga instructor or chiropractor.

  Christopher : No, it's actually pretty interesting. I'm working for this firm that helps those overblown tech companies scale back and stay afloat now that they're facing leaner times.

  Lorelai : I'm sorry, uh, what's the interesting part?

  Christopher : We dress like superheroes when we do it.

• Kirk : Well, first I read the sign and then I tried the door in case it was some sort of elaborate ruse.

  Lorelai : Designed to keep only you out?

  Kirk : There's precedent.

• Lorelai : Ugh, Rory, my brain is full. It has reached capacity. It's Shea Stadium when the Beatles played. It's cramped and girls are screaming and I think George is fighting with Ringo.

• Lorelai : I want to welcome you to the first annual and probably never ever to be held again because Sookie's on the verge of a nervous breakdown Bracebridge Dinner.

• Lorelai : Okay, I'm just gonna let everyone deal with all this because I need to relax and get a cup of coffee and maybe hammer a nail into my head.

  Emily : You're not needed here, Lorelai. Go get your coffee, relax. You're going to redo your makeup later, aren't you?

  Lorelai : Maybe an Irish coffee.

• Luke : [to Lorelai]  I will never, under any circumstances, no matter how short a dress you put on, go back to Al's Pancake World ever, ever again.

  Lorelai : Aw, you didn't like your manicotti?

  Luke : That was not manicotti, it was square and flat and blue.

  Lorelai : Yeah. Manicotti's rarely blue.

• Luke : We got nothing of substance done in this meeting.

  Lorelai : And the tradition stands.

• [while studying for exams] 

  Rory : Okay. You should get back to your studying.

  Lorelai : Fine. Oh, great.

  Rory : What?

  Lorelai : I think I've already forgotten everything I read in the last two hours.

  Rory : No, you haven't.

  Lorelai : Yes, I have. In fact, I may have forgotten everything that I've ever known. Child, what be your name?

  Rory : Study.

• Rory : [reading titles of travel books]  "Selected Hotels of Europe," "Hotels, Restaurants and Inns of Great Britain and Ireland, 1986", "Myra Waldo's Travel and Motoring Guide to Europe, '78."

  Lorelai : Wow, these will be an enormous help in planning our trip. Hey, you wanna go see the Berlin Wall?

  Rory : Sounds great.

• [after Michel has begged Lorelai to take him to an auction run by her mother] 

  Lorelai : Michel, if you wanna go to this auction, you have to be in the lobby at six o'clock Friday morning. You have to hand out towels and water bottles, you have to show them the hiking trails, and you have to let them give you a nature name.

  Michel : Fine, I will let them give me a nature name.

  Lorelai : All right, then, you can come.

  Michel : Thank you.

  Lorelai : Buttercup.

  Michel : You cannot give them suggestions.

• Luke : You tuck a bed in on both sides?

  Lorelai : Yeah, and then I slip in, like it's a straightjacket.

  Luke : Oh, you must feel at home there.

• Rory : How come we don't have a tiki bar?

  Lorelai : Because we're not two wild and crazy guys.

  Rory : You like pina colodas.

  Lorelai : And getting caught in the rain.

• [Lorelai's parents walk into the Inn] 

  Lorelai : [moaning]  They're here.

  Rory : Who?

  Lorelai : The Joyless Luck Club.

• Emily : You have the word "Juicy" on your rear end.

  Lorelai : Well, if I knew you were coming over, I would've changed.

  Emily : Into what? A brassiere with the word "Tasty" on it?

• Lorelai : Jason, my mother is a corporate wife. Her job is putting these parties on. And you put her out of work. You know that; your mother does the same thing. Imagine if you took these functions away from her. What would she have left?

  Jason : More time with the pool boy?

• Rory : Janet's out jogging so I don't know what she thinks, but I have to hope she's pleased 'cause that girl's in shape and can kick my butt.

  Lorelai : Well, just make sure there's something she likes on the TV when she gets home. Something soothing to runners - maybe something that goes in a circle over and over.

• Lorelai : All right, I should go. I called Luke last night and he made me promise to get the truck back by two hours ago, so if I leave now it's sooner than I planned.

• Lorelai : Well I'm a leftover girl. I'll just have the burgers tonight and the Chinese food during the week.

  Luke : Then you should've just ordered the Chinese fresh tomorrow instead of tonight.

  Lorelai : I don't like fresh Chinese food. I like *stale* Chinese food!

• [after Floyd tells the Gilmores that Jason is dating Lorelai] 

  Jason : I have a bottle of vodka back at my place. A big bottle of vodka. The world's biggest bottle.

  Lorelai : What'll you drink?

  Jason : Gin.

• [Lorelai is buying collector's stamps while Luke is signing for his divorce] 

  Lorelai : Do you have any Lucille Balls left?

  Kirk : Yes, I have some Balls.

  [Luke stares at him] 

• [Lorelai is avoiding her parents after they found out she's dating Jason] 

  Rory : Did you talk to your parents yet?

  Lorelai : No.

  Rory : Have you *tried* talking to your parents yet?

  Lorelai : No.

  Rory : That's my little Kofi Annan!

• Lorelai : Luke, we sleep around here. Okay, we like it. It makes us pretty and keeps us from killing our crazy friends.

• Michel : Am I or am I not the head man in charge of floral deliveries?

  Lorelai : Yes, and one of the few men I know who would proudly declare that fact.

• Lorelai : So, where are you now?

  Luke : I'm about 10 minutes from If-I-lived-here-I'd-blow-my-brains-out.

  Lorelai : Ah yes, I hear it's lovely there.

• Rory : [At a town council meeting]  That woman's staring at me.

  Lorelai : Oh, Mrs. Van-uppity? Well, maybe you're just her type.

  Lorelai : [after the woman staring at Rory is introduced to give a speech]  Hey, it's your future wife.

  Rory : Shut up.

  Lorelai : [Finally, as the meeting breaks up]  Wait.

  Rory : Why?

  Lorelai : I wanna see if she asks you out.

• [Lorelai is organizing a wedding at the Independence Inn for two bratty twin brides, and their mother is getting stressed] 

  Mrs. Shales : [to Lorelai]  Do you have children?

  Lorelai : I have a daughter.

  Mrs. Shales : Do you hate her?

  Lorelai : No.

  Mrs. Shales : Not ever?

  Lorelai : Well, I wasn't wildly fond of her during labor.

  Mrs. Shales : That was the high point for me.

• French Businessman : [walks up to the front desk]  Bonjour, monsieur. Vous Ítes FranÁais? Vous parlez FranÁais?

  [Hello, sir. Are you French, do you speak French?] 

  Michel : No, sorry.

  French Businessman : Mais vous avez une accent FranÁais. Vous parlez pas FranÁais?

  [but you have a French accent. Don't you speak French?] 

  Michel : Sir, I'm just a simple country boy from Texas. I do not understand this "FranÁais" business you're babbling about.

  Lorelai : [approaches]  Pardon.

  [takes Michel aside] 

  Lorelai : He knows you are not from Texas.

  Michel : [looking over at the businessmen]  Smile when you say that.

  Lorelai : Michel, I told you there would be a French group here for a couple of days, and it's your job to keep them happy.

  Michel : Lorelai, I don't know how many French people you've met over the years, but most of them are insufferable.

  Lorelai : [sarcastically]  Really?

  Michel : Mm. That is why I left France.

  Lorelai : Huh. I thought it had something to do with the torches and the villagers. Michel, talk to them.

  Michel : Never.

  [turns away from Lorelai, she just glares at him] 

  Michel : You are giving me that look, aren't you? Your patented "Do it or something unspeakable shall befall you" look.

  [pause, sighs] 

  Michel : Fine, I shall be French, but I shall not be happy.

  Lorelai : Then you will be yourself. Good choice.

  Michel : [trudges over to the businessmen]  Bonjour, messieurs. Je m'appelle Michel, ce soir pour vous aider.

  [Hello, gentlemen, my name is Michel, I am here to assist you] 

  French Businessman : [laughs]  Vous avez fait un blague to?t . l'heure! TrËs drÙle, trËs drÙle, Michel!

  [you played a joke just now! Very funny, very funny!] 

  French Businessman : [kisses both his cheeks] 

  Michel : [pretends to laugh, to Lorelai]  Kill me now.

• Michel : There's a man with a funny accent on the phone asking for you.

  Lorelai : Really? Did you guys exchange the secret handshake?

• Lorelai : Are you two completely out of your mind? There is a ceremony going on in there. Young girls in ugly dresses and stupid fans are parading around in circles for God knows what reason, and you two are ruining it.

• Lorelai : Women don't eat at all. They just look at food then jump on the treadmill.

• Luke : I'll bring back brownies.

  Lorelai : Ooh, the pouting has left the building.

• Lorelai : [while on the phone with each other, Lorelei and Rory are watching their Roombas together]  Is this more or less fun than watching the same TV show at the same time?

  Rory : I think more.

  Lorelai : If we were to die right now and decompose, they would vacuum us up. No one would ever know.

  Rory : Freaky.

• Lorelai : Stop saying "mother" like that.

  Rory : Like what?

  Lorelai : Like there should be another word after it.

• Lorelai : Well, as Maid of Honor, if you're not there I'm gonna have to get drunk and make out with the best man, who is Rory, so you can see all the very creepy ramifications of your absence here.

• [Lorelai and Rory haven't seen each other in a while because of their busy schedules, and are talking on the phone about it] 

  Lorelai : I'm mad and needy, and I ended up going out to dinner alone with my parents, who bickered the whole time about which Beatle is alive and which is dead.

  Rory : So, where'd they land?

  Lorelai : John and Keith are dead. Paul and Bingo are still kicking.

• [Lorelai is bummed over an argument with Luke and doesn't know what to do with her evening] 

  Rory : Mom, you have to do something.

  Lorelai : I need a suggestion.

  Rory : Have you read "The Bell Jar"?

  Lorelai : [gasps]  Not funny!

• Lorelai : [on telephone]  Hi, yes. I was at your auction yesterday. I was wondering if you could help me? I met a man there, and I would like to contact him, but I didn't get his name and I was wondering if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number 17 and - oh. Right. Confidential. Got it. Well, you know, actually, I misspoke earlier because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact here. He's an old friend from school - Good question. Well, I don't know his name because I only knew him by his nickname. Shamu. We called him Shamu. Kind of a big guy in high school, he's slimmed down quite a bit. No, see, I don't have time to contact the high school alumni committee because time is of the essence! See, Shamu and I went into a liquor store after the auction and we bought a lottery ticket together, and we tore it, and I took half and he took half, and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win! Fourteen million dollars! Really. But see, we have to claim it by 4pm today or we forfeit - Ah. Yes. Oh. Well. But there's one more thing I forgot to tell you. See, um, my blood type is O negative and he's O negative and I have a medical condition that - Alright then. Well, thank you anyway. Bye.

• Emily : I'm sorry. You were on the phone?

  Richard : Long distance.

  Lorelai : God?

  Richard : London.

  Lorelai : God lives in London?

  Richard : My mother lives in London.

  Lorelai : Your mother is God?

  Richard : Lorelai.

  Lorelai : So, God *is* a woman.

  Richard : Lorelai.

  Lorelai : *And* a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors.

  Richard : Make her stop.

  Rory : Oh, that I could.

• Lorelai : Hey, Kirk, discover a new freaky fetish?

  Kirk : What?

  Rory : Nothing. You buy a cat?

  Kirk : Yup! I'm very excited.

  Lorelai : You seem it. So what's all this?

  Rory : I'm assuming there's nothing left in the store.

  Kirk : Actually, there are a number of things left.

  Rory : No, I meant, you seem to be buying a lot of stuff.

  Kirk : Oh. Sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole.

• Rory : That's great. Isn't that great, Mom?

  Lorelai : A jig is forthcoming.

• Lorelai : So, let me get this straight. Uh, you and some guys who actually know what they're doing are gonna come over and fix my house, and I can pay them back whenever I want?

  Luke : That's right.

  Lorelai : 'Cause I'm Tony Soprano?

  Luke : Only scarier.

• Lorelai : I love my little circus freak.

• Lorelai : I love ranting Luke.

• Michel : Well, you know what happens when you assume.

  Lorelai : What?

  Michel : I don't know. Something about a donkey. It is a stupid American phrase.

• Lorelai : Mom, it's just a pretend wedding. J-Lo has them all the time.

• Rory : [talking about Paris]  Can you say crazy anal micromanager?

  Lorelai : Not five times fast.

• Lorelai : Oh, you're gonna have to walk faster than that. You're gonna have to turn into friggin' Flo Jo to get away from me.

• Rory : So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?

  Lorelai : Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbara Streisand will give her final concert... again.

  Rory : Uh-huh.

  Lorelai : Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.

• Lorelai : Someone hit you with a pretty stick.

• Lorelai : Okay, so, don't wait up and remember only 2 or 3 crack heads at the most, they eat all the good cereal.

• Lorelai : Let's invite everyone.

  Sookie : Everyone who?

  Lorelai : Everyone, everyone.

  Sookie : [gasps]  Everyone, everyone who?

• Lorelai : Be good. Ooh. Make sure you look in somebody's sock drawers. Rich people have hilarious sock drawers.

• Michel : And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements.

  Lorelai : Well, that certainly calls for a "Dirty."

• Richard : I'm playing golf with Payton's father today.

  Lorelai : Okay... wear sunscreen.

• Lorelai : Rory, we're home.

  Richard : Lorelai, you really should think about...

  Lorelai : Rory, for the love of God be home.

• Lorelai : Please do not tell me that you are sitting right in front of me.

  Emily : No, it's a hologram. Life like, isn't it?

• Luke : The truth hurts.

  Lorelai : No, you know what hurts. Having a screwdriver jammed in the side of your head.

• Lorelai : I do know that Istanbul is Constantinople. So, if you have a date in Constantinople, she'll be waiting in Istanbul.

• Rory : Mom, you're freaking out.

  Lorelai : Yes, I'm freaking out.

  Rory : Well, you can't freak out, I'm freaking out.

• Luke : You're gonna need a hospital, Taylor.

  Lorelai : Hit him.

  Rory : Which one?

  Lorelai : Either one, I'm easy.

• Rory : How do you feel?

  Lorelai : I ate tofurkey. How do you think I feel?

  Rory : Tofurkier.

• Emily : I'm surprised you can eat at this point, even salad.

  Rory : There's still room.

  Lorelai : And if there isn't room, we'll add on. I know a good contractor.

  Claude : She's like your Jerry Lewis. She's very, very funny.

• [about the Town Loner] 

  Luke : What's he carrying?

  Miss Patty : Something all rolled up.

  Taylor : Probably a body.

  Rory : It looks heavy, too.

  Lorelai : Well, bodies are heavy.

  Taylor : That's not funny.

• Sookie : No more pork!

  Lorelai : Ah, finally, something to put on our business cards!

• Emily : Oh my God. There was a bench here.

  Richard : They moved it last year.

  Emily : I can't believe this.

  Lorelai : Me either. What if we wanted to sit down?

• Fran : You two look so sad. Would you like a cupcake?

  Lorelai : Please.

  Sookie : Yeah.

• Lorelai : God, I'm nervous. Why am I nervous?

  Rory : Because you're crazy.

  Lorelai : Yes, good, thank you.

• Bootsy : You a Leo?

  Lorelai : No.

  Bootsy : Thank God. Those guys are screwed this week.

• Lorelai : [Rory wants Lorelai to have a separate dinner with Emily while she has a dinner with Richard]  Can't I take the butler? He doesn't talk much, and, as far as I know, he thoroughly enjoys the way I dress.

• Lorelai : You know, if I was in a rock band touring and stuff, I'd make the bus driver stop at every Haden's Nut House we pass.

  Rory : Wow, your Behind the Music is gonna be really wild.

• Lorelai : As soon as they both get tired of saying 'No, you're prettier' to each other, then the night's over.

• Rory : A cool B&B?

  Lorelai : Yes.

  Rory : That's like saying an understated Nicholas Cage movie.

• Taylor : First protest, now vandalism. Makes you think about leaving this town.

  Lorelai : [giddily]  I never wanna leave this town.

• Lorelai : Hey, is Jackson in the house? Let me here you say unh.

  Jackson : Unh.

  Lorelai : A new toy.

  Rory : Shameless.

• [on swans] 

  Michel : I will never go near those filthy birds.

  Lorelai : Why?

  Michel : I hate the swans.

  Lorelai : These particular swans?

  Michel : No, all swans. I was attacked by a band of swans in the Luxembourg Gardens when I was a boy. No one forgets that.

  Lorelai : [laughing]  Oh no - not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feathery *NSYNC kind of fiasco?

  Michel : This is not funny.

• Emily : You're having a baby - do you know that, Lorelai?

  Lorelai : Well, that explains the stomachache.

• Rory : But we want to be spontaneous. Jump a train to Paris, head off to Spain.

  Lorelai : Oh no, it's raining in Spain. But since the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain...

  Rory : Looks like Italy for us.

  Lorelai : Mamma mia.

• [looking at baby Rory] 

  Christopher : She's pretty.

  Lorelai : She's perfect.

• Zach : Hey, you guys are not gonna believe this.

  Liza : You're Mr. Announcement Guy today.

  Zach : What, are you going to pipe in every time I talk?

  Liza : Can it.

  Zach : Stuff it.

  Lorelai : They're in love.

  Sooke : Clearly.

• Luke : I'm closing down the diner for a couple of weeks and taking Nicole on a little trip.

  Rory : Fun.

  Luke : We're driving through Western Canada and then taking a cruise up to Alaska.

  Rory : A cruise?

  Lorelai : Intimate.

  Luke : I guess. Is it?

  Lorelai : [singing]  The Love Boat.

  Luke : What?

  Lorelai : A cruise is a good spot to get down on one knee.

  Luke : And do my ventriloquist act?

• Jason : I didn't know you were so close to your mother.

  Lorelai : I'm not.

  Jason : Then why are you defending her?

  Lorelai : Every family needs its Fredo.

  Jason : Yeah, and Fredo's family put two bullets into the back of his head.

• Jason : You're still mad about that.

  Lorelai : I was fully dressed.

  Jason : I remember. Green T-shirt, no bra.

  Lorelai : What?

  Jason : Trust me. I was the hero of Cabin 5 for the rest of the summer.

• Kirk : If you'll just follow me, I would like to present you with my new line of one-of-a-kind mailboxes.

  Lorelai : Wow. They look very nice, Kirk.

  Kirk : And whimsical. They say to the world, "I'll take my mail with a smile."

  Lorelai : Yes, they do say that.

  Kirk : And since you are one of our preferred customers, with the purchase of one of our mailboxes, I'll throw in a carved-duck doorstop and a garlic peeler.

  Lorelai : Wow. That's quite an offer, Kirk. But I think it's a little early to pick a mailbox. We haven't even settled on a color for the inn yet.

  Kirk : Well, whimsy goes with everything.

  Lorelai : Kirk, I promise, just as soon as... is that Condoleezza Rice?

  Kirk : Yes, it is. I'm a fan and her big mouth is perfect for shoving mail in.

• Lorelai : She's making cocoa 'cause you gave her an itinerary.

  Rory : I may have given her the itinerary, but you're the one who got us busted for drug smuggling.

  Lorelai : Reality has absolutely no place in our world.

• Rory : [on why she doesn't want to date Trevor]  He carries a bottle of water around with him all the time. That's weird.

  Lorelai : Right. Hydration. *Very* creepy.

• Lorelai : Someday, when you're a little older, you'll be introduced to something that is extremely seductive but fickle. A fair weather friend who seems benigned but packs a whallop like a donkey kick, and that is the Long Island Ice Tea. The Long Island Ice Tea makes you do things you normally wouldn't do, like lifting your skirt in public or calling someone you normally wouldn't call at really weird times.

• Lorelai : [upon entering the church]  Would it kill God to dust?

• Emily : You have a gentleman friend of significance.

  Lorelai : [in a Southern accent]  Rhett is my gentleman friend, yes.

• Emily : Well, I had this wonderful idea. Christopher's parents are in town too. You remember Straub and Francine don't you?

  Lorelai : Ah yes - the Schnickelfritzes.

  Emily : The who?

  Lorelai : The Hayden's.

• Lorelai : I thought all butlers' names were Jeeves.

• Lorelai : Oh! One of them has seen Ghostbusters a hundred and twenty-seven times.

  [sarcastic] 

  Lorelai : Can you say score?

• Lorelai : [on Michel]  He's snarky.

  Sookie : And sarcastic.

  Lorelai : He's snarkastic.

• Lorelai : Brazzlefrat.