Saving Silverman (2001)

Steve Zahn: Wayne

Photos 

Quotes 

• Wayne : Okay, our enemy is wicked, so...

  J.D. : Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.

  Wayne : Damien.

  J.D. : Dude, she's Vader.

  Wayne : No! She is the Emperor!

  J.D. : Yeah, but with really great tits!

  Wayne : Okay, now Sandy, that girl? She's a nice girl.

  J.D. : Ah, yeah.

  Wayne : She's a sweetheart.

  J.D. : Dude, a saint.

  Wayne : A goddess.

  J.D. : A princess.

  Wayne : 'Know what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa.

  J.D. : Yeah, but with way better tits.

• Wayne : Dude!

  J.D. : Dude!

  Wayne : Why didn't you answer the door?

  J.D. : I'm eatin'.

  Wayne : So?

  J.D. : I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.

  Wayne : Since when?

  J.D. : Since always.

  Wayne : I never knew that.

  J.D. : Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.

  Wayne : Is there anything else you wanna tell me?

  J.D. : I got three balls.

  Wayne : Shut up! God!

  J.D. : Dude. Dude. Dude!

• Wayne : So Darren tells me you're a psychologist.

  Judith : That's right.

  Wayne : I'm in a related field.

  Judith : Really? What is it?

  Wayne : Pest and rodent removal.

  Judith : How is that related?

  Wayne : We both help people.

• Coach Norton : By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman?

  Wayne : Uh, yeah. Yeah, we snuffed that broad just like ya said.

  Coach Norton : Good. How'd ya do it?

  Wayne : We, um...

  J.D. : Ate her...

  Coach Norton : You ate her?

  Wayne : Yeah, we ate her.

  J.D. : Alive.

  Coach Norton : My hat goes off to you. You boys are smart; that's the perfect crime.

• [after Wayne, Sandy, and Neil Diamond crashed and ruined Judith's wedding by getting Darren back with Sandy, Judith becomes enraged with anger by walking towards Wayne and smacks him with a chair] 

  Judith : [screaming]  YOU RUINED MY LIFE!

  Wayne : [Judith pulls Wayne's legs]  Ah! But I saved Darren's!

  Judith : Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough to hook up with YOU!

  [Wayne yells and screams while throwing Judith to the aisle] 

  Wayne : Hey! Why can't you just admit that when you kissed me you liked it?

  Judith : Yeah, you're right. I have a weakness for incompotent morons.

  [Judith smacks Wayne in the mouth and one of his teeth come out his lips. Then Wayne does the same thing and Judith spits out the loose tooth] 

  Wayne : [choking each other]  Admit it! Aah! I'm the strong-willed, assertive man that you need and you're the hardcore bitch I've always dreamed of!

• Darren : I don't think I'm gonna be real comfortable with these things on my nipples.

  Wayne : I can put 'em on your balls.

  Darren : The nipples are fine. Nipples work.

• [Wayne and J.D. are discussing what's happened to Darren] 

  Wayne : She didn't like the way his ass looked, so she made him get butt cheek implants.

  J.D. : I thought his ass looked tighter!

• J.D. : Fuck you, replacement-friends!

  Wayne : Eat this, Fake Wayne!

• Wayne : So, Coach, how's your parole coming?

  Coach Norton : Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining

  J.D. : God! What is their PROBLEM?

• J.D. : Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like,

  [making obscene gestures with his hands] 

  J.D. : 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha!

  Wayne : Dude, mimes don't talk.

  J.D. : They do when they're off duty.

• J.D. : Judith escaped.

  Wayne : ...Dehrrrrrrrr.

• [in the R-rated version] 

  Wayne : [in the R-rated version]  I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse

  J.D. : It's true!

• Coach Norton : [Watches a live feed of Judith locked up in the garage on the TV]  What the hell we got here? Some kind of public access show or something?

  Wayne : [Nervously]  Yeah.

  Coach Norton : Wait a minute, that's the kidnap victim, ain't it? You didn't kill her.

  Wayne : No, coach.

  Coach Norton : I'm real disappointing in you boys. Now I want you to go out there and off that cooze.

  Wayne : We can't, coach.

  Coach Norton : [Notices Judith untying herself from the chair]  FOR PETE'S SAKE! She's getting out! Go chop her head off or something!

  Coach Norton : [J.D. and Wayne don't budge]  There's no fight left in you! You're nutless! You've been pussified! Don't worry about a thing boys I'll take care of that broad.

• Wayne : You're not gay... you're just confused.

  J.D. : Yes, I am gay. Oh HEY! Do you wanna be gay with me?

  Wayne : NO!

• Judith : I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother.

  Wayne : I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but girls call him the human power tool.

  J.D. : It's true!

• [Wayne shows Darren a time chart he made reflecting how Darren's relationship with Judith has affected their lives. He begins by pointing to a line reflecting their fun level, labeled 'F'] 

  Wayne : Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high. Ninety-three, it is now an eight.

  [shows the fun levels large decline] 

  Wayne : [Points to line reflecting their band, labeled 'B'] 

  Wayne : Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well.

  [Points to line reflecting girls, labeled 'G'. The line remains extremely low throughout the chart] 

  Wayne : Girls... never very high at nine, but look now. TWO!

  [Points to line representing their masturbation levels, labeled 'WO', the line very quickly rises so that it runs off the chart] 

  Wayne : This has obviously lead to increased whacking off!

  J.D. : I'm chafing.

• Wayne : Dude, you don't want a chick who'd fuck a mime.

• Wayne : Coach, we need your advice.

  Coach Norton : Okay, shoot.

  Wayne : Darren fell in love with this girl, Judith. And we kidnapped her.

  Coach Norton : Kill her.

  Wayne : Wait a second, let me finish. So we screwed up, because now she knows who we are. And we can't let her go, or she'll turn us in.

  Coach Norton : Is that it? Is that everything? Hmmm... ..kill her!

• [after seeing a hot woman in a bar] 

  Wayne : Carpe poon, man.

• Wayne : [when Darren is mourning]  You promised Sandy you'd be there. You gave her your word.

  Darren : I didn't even talk to her.

  Wayne : O.K. I gave her your word.

  Darren : Come on Wayne. When are you gonna forget about the idea that i'll go out with Sandy?

  Wayne : When you go out with Sandy.

• Coach Norton : What is it that I always said?

  J.D. , Wayne : If you can dream it, you can do it.

  Coach Norton : Exactly! You have the dream. All you need to do is turn it into reality.

• [In the garage of his house, Wayne is chaining up Judith after she escaped] 

  Wayne : [Finishes]  There. That should keep you from escaping again. And this...

  [pulls out a Catcher's mask] 

  Wayne : this...

  [puts the mask on Judith's face] 

  Wayne : this should keep you from biting.

  Judith : How am I gonna eat?

  Wayne : I've thought of that.

  [Wayne shows Judith a jar filled with breakfast mash and a straw] 

  Judith : What is that?

  Wayne : It's breakfast. Pancakes, sausage, uh, hash brown, pop tart, pureed.

  Judith : [disgusted]  I'm not eating that shit. I want a Big Montana.

  Wayne : A what?

  Judith : A Big Montana from Arby's with curly fries.

  Wayne : No, I'm not gonna get you one. If you don't wanna eat what I've made for you, then you can starve.

  Judith : [freaks out]  Why are you doing this?

  Wayne : It's the only way to save our friendship.

  Judith : [calms down]  It doesn't seem like a friendship to me. It seems like you're in love with Darren.

  Wayne : Bullshit!

  [chuckles] 

  Wayne : I am so un-gay.

  Judith : Okay, fine. Let's pretend for a second that you're straight. When the last time you've got any?

  Wayne : That's none of your business.

  Judith : So it's been years?

  Wayne : I'm waiting for the right woman.

  Judith : There is no right woman for you, Wayne. If my guess is, if there ever was, you've already met her and she's either killed herself or become a lesbian.

  Wayne : [yells]  Up yours!

  Judith : Go to hell!

  Wayne : Skank!

  Judith : Eunuch!

  Wayne : [screams]  Stealer... of my FRIEND!

• Wayne : We're gonna kidnap Judith and set Darren up with Sandy.