The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (2001)

Woody Allen: CW Briggs

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Chris : You know, there's a word for people who think everyone is conspiring against them.

  C.W. : I know, perceptive.

• C.W. : I found the Picasso. It wasn't easy. I was looking for a woman with a guitar and it was all cubes. It took me two hours to find her nose.

• C.W. : The house is messy. If I knew you were coming I'd have had the maid rearrange the dirt.

• C.W. : Are you divorced or widowed? Did your husband commit suicide? I could understand that.

• C.W. : I hate her just like I hate that German Chancellor with the moustache.

• Laura Kensington : I have a strawberry birthmark on my thigh. Want to see it?

  C.W. Briggs : Sure, when can I take the full tour?

• C.W. : Hide in the bedroom.

  Betty Ann : Can I sit down in there or will I catch something?

  C.W. : Germs can't live in your blood - it's too cold.

• C.W. : There's a deck of cards with naked women on it.

  Laura Kensington : Let me guess, you use it to play solitaire.

  C.W. : I used to date the six of spades.

• C.W. : Are you going to take your coat off? It hasn't rained in this apartment in 20 years.

• C.W. : It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.

• C.W. : Did I really throw you out of bed?

  Laura Kensington : Why? Are you planning on using the insanity defense?

• C.W. : A lot of women have passed through this apartment. I can't say they were all winners, but...

• C.W. Briggs : They say, I always get my man.

  Laura Kensington : Me too.

• C.W. : You snore like a grizzly bear with a sinus condition.

• C.W. : My clergyman - who happens to be wanted for pederasty - will vouch for me.

• Laura Kensington : You have a fresh mouth. I don't think I like it.

  C.W. : I tend to grow on people. We could meet later and I could grow on you.

• Laura Kensington : I'll slip into something a little bit more comfortable. Wait for me in bed.

  C.W. : More comfortable than that? What are you gonna put on, Jergens lotion?

• Betty Ann : So what, you always get your kicks fondling women's shoes?

  C.W. Briggs : Once in a while I'll fondle a whole woman...

• Al : So did you tell her who's boss?

  C.W. : Is she kidding, talking to me like that? It's 'cause she thinks she's smarter... you know, 'cause she graduated from Vassar and I went to driving school.

• Jill : I'd love to, but you have to have me at home and in bed by midnight.

  C.W. : That's exactly what I was planning.

• C.W. : We'll have lunch. I know a great restaurant you'll love. Gestapo food.

• C.W. : They all look the same upside down.

• Betty Ann : You're searching my desk!

  C.W. : I wasn't searching I was rummaging.

• Betty Ann : You wormy little ferret!

  C.W. : Now you're mixing metaphors.

• C.W. : I may be a scummy vermin but I'm an honest scummy vermin.

• C.W. : Never trust a woman who whistles for her own cab.

• C.W. : I can't stand her.

  Betty Ann : Don't pay attention to him. He's a sleazy little megalomaniac who's afraid of women.

• C.W. : Don't work too late. The bags under your eyes are getting bigger.

• C.W. : The New York City Police want to give me a lifetime achievement award.

• Al : [Watching Jill walk away]  My God, that girl's got a body that won't quit!

  C.W. : Quit? It won't take five minutes off for a coffee break.

• C.W. : This is a very smart burglar and you guys have trouble figuring out who did it when you get a confession.

• C.W. : I didn't do it and i gotta have time to prove it, otherwise they're going to lock me up in a concrete building and you'll only be able to insult me on visiting day.

• Betty Ann : Dont bother showing me to the door. Someone might think we're together.

  C.W. : What, do I look like an organ grinder?

  Betty Ann : No. Just an organ.

• C.W. : So, should we... get out of here and find someplace where we can start making up for lost time?

• C.W. : If you've got a cold, someone's got to rub your chest down with Vick's.

  Jill : If anyone rubs my chest down they'd better bring a ring.

• C.W. : Let me have the cherry cheesecake and a prune danish and a couple of Hershey bars, oh and I should have something sweet. Let me have some chocolate covered raisins.

• C.W. : You have a nicely shaped buttocks.