Eight Crazy Nights (2002)

Adam Sandler: Davey, Whitey, Eleanore, Deer

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Quotes 

• Whitey : This is the happiest seizure of my life!

• Eleanor Duvall : You're an animal.

  Davey Stone : And you're bald!

  [rips her wig off] 

  Eleanor Duvall : Not again.

  [faints] 

  Whitey : You're not welcome in my house.

  Davey Stone : Good, your house SUCKS!

  Jennifer : Do you have to be mean to everybody who tries to help you?

  Davey Stone : That's my problem!

  [tosses wig which hands on the Waiter's head] 

  Chinese Waiter : He just a no-goodnik, and *I* am the real Kristi Yamaguchi

  Narrator : Wow. Just when you started to really like Davey, he goes and has a butthole relapse.

• Davey Stone : Ugh! Jeezum crow! Did I just see two Persian cats on your ass? I think I'm gonna

  [burping] 

  Davey Stone : barf.

• Whitey : Your honor, if it pleases the court, I'd like to interject for a moment.

  Chinese Waiter : What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet and have I gone crazy?

• Davey : I can't believe I haven't killed myself / Here with Wigs McGee and a furry elf / She's neurotic and he's a troll / How did I get stuck in this shithole? / Guess I'll have to deal with your demands / But please don't touch me with your alien hands.

• Whitey : Wow Benjamin, an etch-a-sketch, not too shabby!

  Davey Stone : That's a Gameboy you idiot.

  Whitey : Oh sorry I'm not up on modern technology.

• Davey Stone : [Drops fries on try which spells Bite Me]  .

  Whitey : Jokes on you tough guy! I can't read!

  [Smiles] 

  Whitey : .

• Eleanor Duvall : They were giving out free lobster bibs in the bathroom.

  Whitey : That's not a lobster bib Eleanore its a germ protector for your tushey.

• Davey Stone : Whippin' out my big, white, scary moon and blowin' a beef your way

• Davey Stone : So, what's good about this place?

  Whitey : What's good about it? Everything. You want a pair of socks? My buddy, Mr. Foot Locker will warm your feet. You need a fancy doodad? Hello, Sharper Image. Thanks for the combination pogo stick/clock radio. I mean, The Body Shop, the Tie Rack, GNC, Radio Shack, Petland for a cat or two, Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog doo, Sbarro's, Dunkin' Donuts, they're simply the best. And don't forget the orange chicken at Panda Express. But if you're short of cash like little old me, the window shopping's always free.

  Davey Stone : Was that something you just prepared, or did you just rhyme that many times in a row by accident?

  Whitey : [Smiles]  That was weird, wasn't it?

  Davey Stone : Maybe you are a leprechaun.

• Davey : Make some long distance calls?

  Eleanore : You'll get a kick in the balls!

• Whitey : My finger's in your mouth kitty, but I don't feel no teeth.

• Davey Stone : Over there's my family home...

  Jennifer : And the woods we used to roam...

  Whitey : The only time I had sex was on the phone...

  Phone Sex Lady : [Cut to room full of BDSM stuff and a subtitle that says 1-888-BOOBIES]  But that was long ago.

• Whitey : [now covered in excrement]  The worst has happened: I'm covered in human feces...

  Davey : That's a good look for you, but how about is that I should probably spray you off?

  [Davey sprays on Whitey with a hose. Whitey is now frozen] 

• Eleanor Duvall : You know, I read recently in Reader's Digest that people who let themselves cry when they're hurting are often stronger than the people who try to hold all their pain inside.

  Davey Stone : Did you read anything about a deformed referee who spends 35 years trying to win some stupid patch, so he can pretend people actually like him?

  Eleanor Duvall : [Oblivious to the insult]  Which month was that in?

  Whitey : [Knowing the insult, very hurt and nearly in tears]  Take that back!

  Davey Stone : Look, if they have an award for two of the freakiest fraternal twins that nobody gives a crap about, you two would definitely win it. But the patch thing ain't never gonna happen! Because the truth is, nobody in this town even knows you EXISTS!

• Foot Locker Guy : [after Davey was screaming for Jennifer]  Look who finally showed up, we've been waiting for you all night!

  Davey Stone : [Confused]  Who said that?

  Foot Locker Guy : I said it! Hey everybody, wake up! This is NOT a rehearsal! Numb nut is here!

  [the mall logos start to come alive] 

• Davey Stone : Smell ya later, Poopsicle!

  [laughs] 

  Whitey : [Frozen]  You're a freaking degenerate.

  Davey Stone : [Far away]  I know I am!

• Davey Stone : Hey, Jelly Jugs, next time you're on my court, you better wear a bra, okay?

  Whitey : He was just kidding son, you got very nice boobs.

• Davey Stone : Fuck you!

• Whitey : That's a technical foul!

• Davey : Can I prance around with my morning erection?

  Whitey : If you do you'll want an automatic ejection cause that's a technical foul!

  Eleanor Duvall : But I would like to see it anyway!

  [Davey's expression turns disgusted] 

  Eleanor Duvall : Just kidding.

• Whitey : Men's 11 right foot, children's 9 left foot.

  [does a jig] 

  Whitey : At your service.

  Davey Stone : [Unamused]  Yuck.

• Eleanor Duvall : It's a home invasion! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!

  Whitey : It's OK, Eleanor! It's OK!

  Eleanor Duvall : Whitey, thank God you're here! We're being robbed by a lunatic! Mister, if you're going to kill us, take off your wet shoes. They're soaking the carpet.

  Whitey : Eleanore, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.

  Eleanor Duvall : The criminal? Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you?

  Whitey : His home just went up in flames, so I invited him to stay with us for a while.

  Eleanor Duvall : All right, but I'm taking an inventory of everything alive and accounted in this house.

  Davey Stone : [sarcastically]  Fascinating.

  Eleanor Duvall : Look! He already stole something! He's hiding it in his jacket!

  Davey Stone : I didn't steal this. It's a card my parents gave me.

  Eleanor Duvall : Then why don't you go stay with them?

  Davey Stone : They died.

  Eleanor Duvall : My bad.

• Whitey : He's just kidding, son. You have very nice boobs.

• Davey : Good night, mayor! And the answer to your question is Spencer's Gifts. They definitely have furry underwear.

  Old Lady : [disgusted at the mayor]  You're gross.

  Mayor : Ohh...

• Eleanor Duvall : Whitey, where were you? You're an hour and 51 minutes late. I already called the Morgue. They said you weren't there but to try back later.

• Davey Stone : [while Whitey is having a seizure]  Okay, that's it no one wants to see an old man die! Fatty's team loses cuz I wanna see him cry again.

• Davey Stone : Easy seizure boy!

• Whitey : [talking is his sleep after being knocked out, hand is in his pants]  My finger's in your mouth kitty, but I don't feel no teeth.

• Davey Stone : I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong hand?

  Tom Baltezor : Yes.

• Whitey : Shaving the chest hairs.

  Eleanore : Nobody likes a unibrow.

• Eleanor Duvall : Hey, look! He already stole something!

  Davey : It's a letter from my parents.

  Eleanor Duvall : Well why don't you go live them?

  Davey : They died.

  Eleanor Duvall : My bad.

• Eleanor Duvall : [as Davey enters]  Oh my goodness - it's a home invasion robbery! Please, mister, take whatever you want but please don't chop my legs off!

• Davey Stone : How did you get so good on the ice, anyway?

  Whitey : In the '50s I refed youth hockey for a couple of seasons.

  Eleanor Duvall : Until a hockey puck struck him in the back of the head.

  Whitey : Nothin' a metal plate couldn't fix.

  Eleanor Duvall : You were in a coma for three months.

  Whitey : I needed the rest, anyway!

• Davey Stone : I carved our name upon that tree...

  Jennifer : I loved him and he loved me...

  Mayor : My darling wife was once a he...

  Old Lady, Bus Driver & Mayor's Wife : [Guy with a stuble, dress, and blond wig]  But that was long ago.

• Davey Stone : Your Honour, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you.

  [unscrews a hip flash, drinks a shot, and does a little jump] 

  Davey Stone : I'd hit a three-pointer for you, except I'd have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.

• Whitey : Now I assume you've done you're pre-game warm-ups.

  Davey Stone : No, let me do them right now.

  [Hold up his fists, raises and lowers his middle fingers] 

  Davey Stone : One, two, three, four...

  Whitey : [Oblivious]  That's good, but don't forget your hammies.

• Whitey : [Looking at Davey's trailer going up in flames]  Maybe it's a sign. After all, Hanukkah is the festival of lights.

  Davey Stone : [Unamused]  I should stick you on a twig and roast you!

• Narrator : Well, while Whitey and Eleanor are getting ready for the banquet, the moron was having a party of his own. And when people get in a state that Davey is in, they do really stupid things. Like go to a mall that's obviously closed to yell at a woman who is obviously not there.

  Davey Stone : [Breaks a glass door, causing the alarm to go off. Annoyed, he throws a beer bottle to shut the alarm off]  Shut Up!

  [Walks in the middle of the mall, screaming] 

  Davey Stone : Jennifer! Jennifer! What's the matter with the way I live my life, huh, Jennifer? Where are you? Home reading your baby boy a bedtime story? While he sucks his thumb and goes pee-pee on his blanket? Ugh, horse shit!

• Eleanore Duvall : Holy shit! Did the mall just say something?

  Davey Stone : No, it was me.

  Whitey Duvall : [crying]  What do *you* want, Stone?

  Davey Stone : I came to apologise, Whitey.

  Whitey Duvall : There's nothing to apologise for, Stone, 'cause you were right. Nobody *does* care about me.

  Davey Stone : I don't think that's true. Do you, Mr. Mayor?

  [Mayor Dewey comes forward] 

  Mayor Dewey : Whitey, tonight, for the first time in years, your partner, Davey Stone, actually did a good thing for this community.

  Eleanore Duvall : [sarcastically]  What he do? Steal beer for everyone?

  Mayor Dewey : No, Eleanore. He opened my eyes to what a great man your brother is and how neglectful we've all been. That's why I'm here, Whitey. I'm here to fix a big mistake.

• Eleanore : All you people can bite my germ-free booty!

• Davey Stone : Well right now, I'm going to another restaurant record: longest burp.

  [makes his very long burp to everybody in the restaurant] 

• Whitey : I'm lettin' this one go, Stone. But next screw-up, it's slammer time. Hmph.

  [tries to drive away; his car is stuck in the snow; rolls down the window and calls to Davey] 

  Whitey : Got any sand or rock salt in there? I need to get some traction!

  Davey Stone : "Got any sand or rock salt in there, 'cause I need to get some..." oh SHUT UP!

• [Closing Narration; White is seizureing happily] 

  Narrator : Don't worry, folks. Whitey's okay.

  Whitey : This is the happiest seizure of my life.

  Narrator : See, I told you.

  [Cut to black with a proud note] 

  Narrator : Yeah.

• Whitey : [Driving Davey Home]  How are those peanut brittle?

  Davey Stone : Crunchy and delicious.

  Whitey : Funny, I don't remember Jessie or Denise ringing you up a purchase.

  Davey Stone : I guess that means I stole it, doesn't it?

  [Whitey whines and has a panic attack, which causes him to swerve the car] 

  Davey Stone : Easy seizure boy!

  Whitey : That's it! I'm calling the judge!

  Davey Stone : Go ahead, I'll be on the first bus out of here. I ain't spending ten years in prison.

  Whitey : Maybe I'll take you in myself. Don't think you can intimidate me because of my size.

  Davey Stone : [Sarcastically]  What? You're smaller than me? I didn't know that.

  Whitey : [Gets bounced like a basketball]  Put me down! Put me down! And get out of my car right now!

  Davey Stone : Oh no! You're gonna make walk ten feet out there? Because that's where I live you idiot!

  Whitey : Oh.

  Davey Stone : [Getting out of the car]  Thanks for the ride Patchy! It was great patching with you, I guess I'll patch you later!

  Whitey : I'm letting this one go, Stone! But the next screw up, it's slammin time! Hmph!

• Davey Stone : Hey Thumbelina, there's no kids playing today, why'd you tell me to come here?

  Whitey : I figured you could use a refresher course on b-ball rules and regulation.

  Davey Stone : You're nuts. I'm gonna go pound a few.

  [Begins to walk out] 

  Whitey : First of all, you booze, you lose. And secondly, if you don't turn around, Officer Sherman over there is gonna hear about the infamous peanut brittle incident.

• Whitey : [Davey is about to walk on the court with his boots on]  Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't even think you're coming on this floor with those hard soles, pally.

  Davey Stone : Fine, I'll just ref in my socks!

  [Flips one boot off breaking one of the hanging lights. Flips the other one off hitting one of the score keepers, knocking him unconscious and sounding the buzzer] 

  Davey Stone : Must be game time.

  [the fans murmur in confusion] 

  Whitey : [to himself]  Don't let him push your buttons, Whitey.

• Davey Stone : Tommy, nothing personal, but Whitey Duvall should've won the Patch tonight, and you people are crazy for not realising that.

  Tom Baltezor : Why would we give Whitey Duvall the Patch? So he could use it as a blanket?

  [crowd laughs] 

  Davey Stone : That's the reaction I thought I'd get.

• Davey Stone : You're gonna make me walk ten feet? 'Cause that's where I live, idiot!

• Whitey Duvall : Your Honor, if it pleases the court, I'd like to interject for a moment.

  Mr. Chang : What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?

  Whitey Duvall : No, no, Mr. Chang. It's me, Whitey Duvall. And a happy first night of Hanukah to you.

  Mr. Chang : I'm not Jewish.

  Whitey Duvall : Neither am I, but that don't stop me from enjoying a holiday.

• Mayor : Whitey, for the first time your partner Davey Stone did something good for this community.

  Eleanore : What'd he do? Steal beer for everyone?