Eight Crazy Nights (2002)

Rob Schneider: Chinese Waiter, Narrator

Photos 

Quotes 

• Eleanor Duvall : You're an animal.

  Davey Stone : And you're bald!

  [rips her wig off] 

  Eleanor Duvall : Not again.

  [faints] 

  Whitey : You're not welcome in my house.

  Davey Stone : Good, your house SUCKS!

  Jennifer : Do you have to be mean to everybody who tries to help you?

  Davey Stone : That's my problem!

  [tosses wig which hands on the Waiter's head] 

  Chinese Waiter : He just a no-goodnik, and *I* am the real Kristi Yamaguchi

  Narrator : Wow. Just when you started to really like Davey, he goes and has a butthole relapse.

• Whitey : Your honor, if it pleases the court, I'd like to interject for a moment.

  Chinese Waiter : What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet and have I gone crazy?

• Chinese Waiter : [during "Bum Biddy"] 

  [singing] 

  Chinese Waiter : How could you all be so mean to Whitey? Sound to me like you are all on crack!

• Chinese Waiter : Four scorpion bowl in five minute? That's got to be a restaurant record.

• Chinese Waiter : Congratulations! Now please excuse me while I go take shower!

• Narrator : Well, while Whitey and Eleanor are getting ready for the banquet, the moron was having a party of his own. And when people get in a state that Davey is in, they do really stupid things. Like go to a mall that's obviously closed to yell at a woman who is obviously not there.

  Davey Stone : [Breaks a glass door, causing the alarm to go off. Annoyed, he throws a beer bottle to shut the alarm off]  Shut Up!

  [Walks in the middle of the mall, screaming] 

  Davey Stone : Jennifer! Jennifer! What's the matter with the way I live my life, huh, Jennifer? Where are you? Home reading your baby boy a bedtime story? While he sucks his thumb and goes pee-pee on his blanket? Ugh, horse shit!

• Chinese Waiter : Ha! I love it! Your ass busted! Now you go to jail and marry big smelly man!

  Judge : Stone, you screwed up for the last time! That 10 year sentence I promised you starts tonight!

  [the crowd cheers in approval] 

• Narrator : [Opening Narration: Exploring Dukesberry]  Well, all right. Look at all that beautiful, white stuff. Christmas is right around the corner, and Chanukah starts tonight. Ain't a better time of year. You got no school, you can eat like a pig, and people give you stuff. Just makes you tingly all over.

  [Chuckles] 

  Narrator : But you know what? There are some buffoons out there actually can't stand the holiday season. And seeing other people enjoy the festivities, gets them even more disgusted. As of matter of fact, the head honcho of holiday humbug lives right here in little, old Dukesberry. His name's Davey Stone.

  [Davey drinks up the fourth Scorpion Bowl] 

  Narrator : That fool's sitting inside the China Dragon coming up his own way of feeling tingly all over.

• [Closing Narration; White is seizureing happily] 

  Narrator : Don't worry, folks. Whitey's okay.

  Whitey : This is the happiest seizure of my life.

  Narrator : See, I told you.

  [Cut to black with a proud note] 

  Narrator : Yeah.

• Whitey Duvall : Your Honor, if it pleases the court, I'd like to interject for a moment.

  Mr. Chang : What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?

  Whitey Duvall : No, no, Mr. Chang. It's me, Whitey Duvall. And a happy first night of Hanukah to you.

  Mr. Chang : I'm not Jewish.

  Whitey Duvall : Neither am I, but that don't stop me from enjoying a holiday.