Chance (2002)

James Marsters: Simon

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chance : Where'd you meet her Simon?

  Simon : Okay, okay! On the phone! Okay, are you happy now, huh? Huh?

  Chance : You met her at work? You've gotta be fucking kidding me! She could be some kind of serial rapist or something.

  Simon : Serial rapist? Ha ha ha! You're just jealous 'cause I might get lucky tonight.

  Chance : Not on my couch, you're not!

  Simon : It's my couch!

  Chance : You may sleep on it, but I don't see you paying any rent, brother!

  Simon : I hate it when you call me that! I am not your brother, thank God!

  Chance : It's a figure of speech, Simon. You know, like we are all God's children.

• Simon : The girl who wrote that number on your arm...

  Jack : She was nice. Very feminine...

  Simon : Yeah, well, she's kind of got it in her head that you're the guy she's been waiting for all her life.

  Jack : Me? I'm pretty gay...

  Simon : She thinks you're straight.

  [sighs] 

  Simon : But that's not even the fucked up part. The fucked up part is that for some asinine, unfathomable reason I'm madly in love with her.

  Jack : That sucks.

  Simon : And then I did a really stupid thing.

  Jack : What?

  Simon : I slept with her.

  Jack : Oh...

  Simon : Now she hates me and everything's totally screwed.

• [Simon, play-acting as Chance in wearing a dress and makeup greets Chance's mother, Desiree at the front door] 

  Simon : [high-pitched voice]  Mother! It's so wonderful to see you!

  Desiree : [amused]  Hello Simon.

  Simon : Simon? Don't you recognize your own daughter?

  Desiree : No, you're Simon. I can tell by your aura. Yours is white, Chance's is turquoise...

  Simon : But I'm Chance! It's me, mother!

  [Chance comes out of the bedroom wearing Simon's pants and shirt. She's drawn a little beard and moustache on her lower face with an eyeliner pen] 

  Chance : Hello. I must sleep.

  [Chance goes right for the couch and lays down] 

  Simon : Mother, why don't you come inside and I'll fix you a nice glass of iced tea.

  Desiree : But you're Simon...

  [beat, deciding to play along] 

  Desiree : Alright... Chance, sweetheart, love of my loins, yes, let's sit and drink the fruit of the Earth together. We shall give thanks for the bounty the mother goddess has seen fit to provide us with.

• Desiree : Chance was conceived on a gondola ride in Venice.

  Simon : You seem to have luck with conceiving while in transit.

  Desiree : I suppose.

  Simon : I didn't think you could have sex while you were driving.

  Desiree : Oh, it's a lot of fun. Especially when you're on police watch.

  Chance : You did it backwards?

  Desiree : Of course. That way I could watch the road as I steered.

  Simon : I bet you have to push the chair way back.

• Johnny : Yeah. That tofu cheese thing just really does something for me, man. Gets me going in all the right ways. Ya dig?

  Simon : Sure. I guess.

  Johnny : My girlfriend says that it gives me gas, but, man, so does the real stuff. It's all about the cheese, ya know? But if you ain't got it, and I ain't, then go soy bean curd, baby.

  Simon : Yep.

  [Johnny's eyes glaze over and roll back into his head. Simon looks concerned] 

  Simon : Are you alright?

  Johnny : Just an epiphany, man. This whole Tofu cheese thing.

• [after Chance and Simon have had sex for the first time] 

  Chance : Did you ever think about sleeping with me before?

  Simon : Yeah.

  Chance : You did? When?

  Simon : I don't know. It wasn't a conscious sort of thing.

  Chance : What? You'd never look at me and say, "I want to fuck her"?

  Simon : I don't think like that. I would never think "fuck" in my head. I would think to make love.

  Chance : [chuckles]  Make love?

  Simon : I don't fuck everything I come into contact with... like you. I have some sense of propriety.

  Chance : [suddenly angry]  Propriety my ass! You just get so fucking scared of being rejected that you tell all people to fuck off first.

  Simon : You don't know me at all, Chance.

  Chance : [scoffs]  Yeah, I think I know you a hell of a lot better than you know Simon, since you've been fucking living on my couch for the past year.

  Simon : When I like a woman, I don't just fuck her. I wanna make love to her. I want there to be some kind of spiritual connection.

  Chance : Well congratulations, Simon. You just had your first fuck!