Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)
Mike Myers: Austin Powers, Dr. Evil, Goldmember, Fat Bastard
Photos
Quotes
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Scott Evil : [to Dr. Evil] I hate you.
[to Austin]
Scott Evil : I hate you.
[to Foxxy]
Scott Evil : I don't even know you but I hate you too.
[to Mini-Me]
Scott Evil : And I ESPECIALLY hate you.
[to everyone]
Scott Evil : You'll pay. YOU'LL ALL PAY!
[Scott runs away]
Dr. Evil : I'd just like to point out that no one else in my gene pool runs like a girl.
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Austin Powers : Nice to mole you... meet you. Nice to meet you, Mole.
[to Foxxy as Basil & The Mole leave]
Austin Powers : Don't say mole.
Foxxy Cleopatra : Now stop.
Austin Powers : I said mole.
Foxxy Cleopatra : Stop.
[Basil gestures him to hush]
Number Three : Bye.
Austin Powers : Mole.
[Basil & the Mole try again to leave]
Austin Powers : Mole.
[Basil warns him again to hush]
Austin Powers : Mole.
Basil Exposition : Oh, shut up!
Austin Powers : [Basil and The Mole walk out and Austin lets loose] Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley!
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Fook Mi : [runs to Austin] Austin Powers! You're so great and so sexy!
Austin Powers : Thanks, baby! Now what's your name?
Fook Mi : Fook Mi!
Austin Powers : Can you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Fook Mi : No! Fook Mi! Like this!
[turns away so Austin can see Fook Mi written on her bag]
Austin Powers : Oh! Your name's Fook Mi!
Fook Mi : Would you like a drink?
[runs away to get drink]
Austin Powers : Actually I have a private bar...
[Fook Mi's twin sister, Fook Yu arrives]
Fook Yu : Here you go!
[gives him drink]
Austin Powers : [thinking she's Fook Mi] Fook Mi, that was fast!
Fook Yu : Fook Yu!
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Goldmember : Dr. Evil, we still have the ultimate insurance policy. May I present to you, the very sexual, the very toite, Austin Power's fahza.
Dr. Evil : His what?
Number 2 : His fahza, Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil : His farger? What's a farger?
Goldmember : His fahza. You know, the fahza.
Dr. Evil : You know Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch. Okay, perv boy?
Goldmember : Fahza, his dad, dad is fahza.
Dr. Evil : Oh, his dad. His *fa-ther*
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Nigel Powers : Easy peasy, lemon-squeasy. What, is this your first day on the job or something? Look, this is how it goes; You try to attack me, one at a time, and I knock you both out with a single punch. Ready? Go!
[Dr. Evil's henchmen do exactly as he predicted]
Nigel Powers : Judo chop. Judo chop.
Dr. Evil : Oh, he's good.
Henchman Sailor : [approaches warily]
Nigel Powers : Do you know who I am?
Henchman Sailor : [nods]
Nigel Powers : Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years?
Henchman Sailor : [nods again]
Nigel Powers : I mean, look at you. You don't even have a name tag. You've got no chance. Why don't you just fall down?
[henchman falls down]
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Austin Powers : Your spy car's a Mini?
Nigel Powers : It's not the size mate, it's how you use it.
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Austin Powers : Mr. Roboto is lying to us.
Foxxy Cleopatra : Tell me something I don't know.
Austin Powers : I open-mouth kissed a horse once.
Foxxy Cleopatra : Say what?
Austin Powers : That's something you don't know.
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Dr. Evil : Are those sharks with laser beams attached to their heads?
Scott Evil : [nods]
Dr. Evil : Cool! You mean that I actually have frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads?
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Fat Bastard : [looking at the toilet] What? I didn't have any corn!
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Austin Powers : You know, Dr. Evil, I have always thought you were crazy, but now I can see you're nuts.
[speaking to the camera]
Austin Powers : I thank you.
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Goldmember : Would you like a shmoke und a pancake?
Austin Powers : A what?
Goldmember : A shmoke und a pancake. You know, a flapjack und a shigarette? No? Shigar und a waffle? No? Pipe und a crepe? No? Bong und a blintz? No? Well, then there ish no pleashing you.
Austin Powers : That's not right...
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[after being struck in the groin by a meteor prop]
Dr. Evil : Alright, let me find my balls, for God's sakes! 1, 2, and 3, okay. I'm okay.
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Fat Bastard : I've been tryin' to go legit.
Austin Powers : Of course...
Fat Bastard : But when you're an overweight child, in a society that demands perfection, your sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair will always be tragically skewed...
[farts]
Austin Powers : Did you just soil yourself?
Fat Bastard : Maybe.
[laughs]
Fat Bastard : It did sound a little wet, there didn't it? Right at the end! Oooh! Heh heh heh. Let's have a smell, all right? Oh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? Oh, this is magic! Hmmm, wafting, wafting. Ok, analysis. Ooh, smells like carrots in throw-up! Oh that could gag a maggot! It smells like hot sick ass in a dead carcass! Even stink would say that stinks! You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell the other people's cooking on each floor and you go "What are they cookin'?" That, plus crap!
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Dr. Evil : Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H.
[Scott snickers]
Dr. Evil : What?
Scott Evil : Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you ass.
Dr. Evil : I'm sorry, did you say you want some ice cream?
Scott Evil : Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.
Dr. Evil : Perhaps later.
Number 2 : Dr. Evil, I love your plan.
Dr. Evil : You do?
Frau Farbissina : Yah. It's a really good plan.
Dr. Evil : Yes Frau, on the whole Preparation H feels good.
[Scott resumes snickering]
Dr. Evil : What is it now?
Scott Evil : No, I totally agree with you. Preparation H does feel good... on the hole.
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Dr. Evil : Quid pro-quo, Mr. Powers.
Austin Powers : Yes, squid pro row.
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Goldmember : Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kind of my thing, you know.
Dr. Evil : [comes over to Goldmember] How 'bout no, you crazy Dutch bastard?
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Goldmember : I love gooooooold.
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Goldmember : Dr. Evil, You look very toit. Yesh, toit like a toiger. Yesh Yesh Yesh.
Dr. Evil : You know, Goldmember? I don't think that's something one dude should say to another dude. Yeah. A little creepy. Mmhmm.
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Austin Powers : [after he causes the Britney Spears fembot to explode] Oops. I did it again, baby.
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Austin Powers : I am a sexy beast.
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Dr. Evil : Well, congratulations, numbnuts! You've succeeded in turning me into a frickin' jack-in-the-box. Get it off. Get it off! It's dark, it's dark!
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Steven Spielberg : So, Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?
Austin Powers : [smiles] Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest film maker in the history of cinema, is making a movie about my life. Very Shagadelic, baby, yeah.
[Austin laughs. Then he wears a serious expression]
Austin Powers : Having said that, I do have some thoughts.
Steven Spielberg : [holding an Oscar] Really? Well, my friend here thinks it's fine the way it is.
Austin Powers : Well, no offense, Sir Stevie, but you gotta have mojo babe, yeah. Hit it.
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Dr. Evil : Using my time machine I shall travel back to 1975, pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future. And the best part of this plan is... no one can stop me. Not even... Austin Powers.
[all laugh maliciously]
Austin Powers : Not so fast. You're surrounded, Doctor Evil.
Dr. Evil : Shit.
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Foxxy Cleopatra : You have the right to remain sexy, sugar.
Austin Powers : Oh, I hope there's a search involved.
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Fat Bastard : Unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina.
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Nigel Powers : [rubs throat] Ow...
Austin Powers : What's wrong with your neck?
Nigel Powers : I took a Viagra, got stuck in me throat, I've had a stiff neck for hours.
Nigel Powers , Austin Powers : I thank you!
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Austin Powers : [to a Japanese industrialist named Mr. Roboto] Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.
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Goldmember : Right in the kanickies.
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Austin Powers : [to Foxxy Cleopatra] You may be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater.
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Dr. Evil : I haven't laughed that hard since I was a little girl. Thank you.
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Nigel Powers : All right Goldmember. Don't play the laughing boy. There's only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
Goldmember : What? Take the fahza away! Dutch hater. And now, it is time to say goodbye. Dr. Evil's orders. Which, for you, is Bad News Bears.
[mutters]
Goldmember : Walter Matthau.
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Dr. Evil : Lower the globe.
Frau Farbissina : LOWER THE GLOBE!
Dr. Evil : [globe lands on, and gets stuck on, his head] OW! Ow!
Goldmember : Scheisse!
Dr. Evil : Well, congratulations, numbnuts! You've succeeded in turnin' me into a frickin' jack-in-the-box! Get it off. Get it off! It's dark, it's dark!
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Austin Powers : Mole. Bloody mole. We aren't supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face. I want to c-u-u-t it off, ch-o-o-p it off, and make guacamole.
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Austin Powers : You're insane, Goldmember.
Goldmember : And that's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it.
[mutters]
Goldmember : KC and the Sunshine Band.
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Fat Bastard : [moans] This diaper's making my nuts rub together. It's gonna start a fire.
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Dr. Evil : All right, it's getting crowded in here. Everyone out. Everyone out. C'mon.
[everyone starts to leave]
Dr. Evil : Not you, Scotty. Not you, Number 2. Not you, Frau. Not you, Goldmember. Not you, guys back there. Not you, henchman holding wrench. Not you, henchman arbitrarily turning knobs, making it seem like you're doing something.
[Scott and Dr. Evil look at Mini-Me]
Dr. Evil : Ohh, this is uncomfortable.
Goldmember : Heheheh, the tiny one can't take a hint. Heheheheh. He doesn't understand he's small.
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Dr. Evil : [rapping] I don't know how to be, no crib on MTV, God only knows, got my Mini-Me in the GP, see how it goes. Evil's all that I see, you ask me my name? D to the rizzo, E to the vizzo, I to the lizzo. I'm a crazy motherfucker, y'all knew that. Austin caught me in the first act, it's all backwards, what's with that? So I'll make a prophecy from the dogs to the Mini-Me. Give me an Escalade, a two-way, bling-bling on eBay. DOMINO, motherfucker!
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Goldmember : I am from Holland. Isn't that vierd? Yesh!
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Goldmember : [picking skin off his back] Oh yesh. Yesh yesh yesh yesh. This is a keeper.
Dr. Evil : Alright, you're not going to put that skin in your mouth, are you?
Goldmember : [eats piece of skin]
Dr. Evil : You did. Okay, that's just gross.
[Mini-Me cringes and shakes head]
Goldmember : Yesh, shalty. Yesh, that was good.
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Goldmember : I love gold! The look of it! The smell of it! The taste of it! The texture! I love gold so much that I lost my genitalia in an unfortunate smelting accident. Hence the name... Goldmember.
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Austin Powers : Listen, dad, if you are going to say naughty things in front of these American girls, then at least speak English.
Nigel Powers : All right, my son. I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China.
[I was about to make love to this pretty girl]
Austin Powers : Are you telling a bunch of pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur?
[Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?]
Nigel Powers : What, billy no mates?
[What, alone?]
Austin Powers : Too right, youth.
[Indeed]
Nigel Powers : Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint?
[Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?]
Austin Powers : Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens!
[the insane one?]
Nigel Powers : Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears!
[She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs]
Austin Powers : She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and...
[a lawyer who became a policeman in a truck]
Austin Powers : [complete gibberish]
[?]
Austin Powers : ...
Austin Powers , Nigel Powers : --tea kettle!
Nigel Powers : And then, and then...
Austin Powers , Nigel Powers : She shat on a turtle!
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Fat Bastard : You know what my favorite Helen Hunt movie is? Twister!
[twists his opponent's testicles]
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Austin Powers : What do you know about my father's where... about... s?
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Nigel Powers : [referring to Dr. Evil] I have to protect my son.
Austin Powers : Dr. Evil's not your son! I am!
Nigel Powers : You both are.
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Austin Powers : Like I'd ever let Goldmember get away.
Foxxy Cleopatra : [entering shot] Austin? Goldmember's getting away.
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Dr. Evil : Boo-frickity-hoo.
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Number 2 : Dr. Evil, can you continue with your plan?
Dr. Evil : Of course, Number 2, our plan is SCOTTY DON'T.
Scott Evil : Oh, come on, you're such a lame ass.
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Austin Powers : Smashing, Basil. A pimp-mobile.
Basil Exposition : Yes, yes. I knew it would tickle *your* fancy.
Austin Powers : What can I say?
[grabs dice on rear-view mirror]
Austin Powers : Cough!
[pretends to cough]
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Austin Powers : Twins, Basil. Twins.
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Fat Bastard : Ahhhhh! Ma titties!
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Young Dr. Evil : [deleted scene]
[Young Austin in standing naked behind Young Dr. Evil holding a book labeled "Balzac"]
Young Dr. Evil : Would it kill you to put on some clothes? Honestly it's like living with frickin Sasquatch.
Young Austin Powers : Hey, have you seen my Balzac?
Young Dr. Evil : I'm looking at your Balzac right now.
Dr. Evil : [cuts back to Dr. Evil in the cell] No,no. You got it all wrong, it wasn't Balzac.
Young Austin Powers : [cuts back to Young Austin Powers and Young Dr. Evil, this time, holding a book labeled "Dickens"] Have you seen my Dickens?
Young Dr. Evil : I'm looking at your Dickens right now.
Dr. Evil : [cuts back to Dr. Evil in the cell] No. It wasn't "Dickens" either.
Young Austin Powers : [cuts back to Young Austin Powers and Young Dr. Evil, this time holding a book labeled "Longfellow"] Have you seen my Longfellow?
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Dr. Evil : I never knew my birth parents. There was a car accident. My birth mother was incinerated, and I only survived because her smoking carcass had formed a protective cocoon of slaughtered human effluence. A Belgian man and his fifteen year-old love slave were looting the accident scene, and came across a blood soaked baby, moi. They raised me to be evil. You know, that old chestnut.
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Frau Farbissina : I have some news. It's your son. He wants to take over the family business!
Dr. Evil : [overjoyed] Scotty does?
Frau Farbissina : He's gotten so evil, he's even started losing his hair.
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Dr. Evil : I'm Dougie, I'm Dougie.
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Dr. Evil : Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
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Goldmember : Look. My vinky was a key.
Nigel Powers : Only a bloody Dutchman...
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Austin Powers : You really are a fat bastard!
Fat Bastard : You know, that hurts my feelings! I tried going on a diet, you know. The Zone, you know, "Carbs are the enemy," eh?
Fat Bastard : [extension from deleted scene] But the portions were so wee I ate the delivery man.
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Goldmember : I vant everyone to have an Amsterdam good time.
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Fook Mi : Do we make you sleepy?
Austin Powers : Well, you make me many things but sleepy's not one of them.
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Fat Bastard : Oh great. Isn't this magical?
