- Prostitute: [trying to woo Roy] I'll give you a discount.
- Roy: That's the most romantic thing a woman has ever said to me.
- Roy: Hey, Rathbone! I was just thinking of a title for my new book. "Roy O'Bannon vs. Little Lord Sissy." Or how about "Roy O'Bannon versus the Man who would be Queen?"
- Chon Wang: The English are not very friendly.
- Roy: They're just sore losers.
- Chon Wang: What did they lose?
- Roy: A little thing called the American Revolution, Chon.
- Chon Wang: Never heard of it.
- Roy: I'll give you the highlights. They came over with about a million men. We had a bunch of farmers with pitchforks and beat 'em like a drum.
- Roy: Chon, I have a confession to make.
- Chon Wang: You are in love with my sister?
- Roy: Well, that, but I didn't lose all the money on the zeppelins.
- Chon Wang: No?
- Roy: Nah. I blew most of it on the Roy O'Bannon novels. I wrote them.
- Chon Wang: No, Sage McCallister wrote them.
- Roy: That's what I'm saying, buddy. I'm Sage McCallister.
- Chon Wang: You wrote those lies?
- Roy: I've always had low self-esteem.
- Chon Wang: How many books did you print?
- Roy: I self-published probably a million copies. We were actually second to the Bible that year.
- Fagin #1: Come here, you little rubbish eater! What did I tell you about poncing on our turf, Charlie?
- Charlie Chaplin: I'm on the straight and narrow, honest!
- Fagin #1: [frisks Charlie and finds Roy's watch] What's this, then?
- [Charlie rolls his eyes]
- Fagin #1: After I'm through beating you, you're gonna wish you *never* ran away from the workhouse!
- Chon Wang: Leave the boy alone!
- Fagin #2: Bloody tourists. Get your noses out of it!
- Roy O'Bannon: Guys, do whatever you want to the kid, but that's my watch you're holding.
- Fagin #1: Well, there's a *load* of us and only two of you, so piss off!
- Roy O'Bannon: Easy, fellas. You've lost *one* war this way. Don't make the same mistake twice.
- Roy: And just to set the record straight... Roy O'Bannon is not attracted to loose women; loose women are attracted to me.
- Roy: Hey, Chon, you're lucky I didn't invest in that ridiculous "auto-mobile" idea. Yeah, that's gonna make a lot of money.
- Roy: There's this new thing they're starting out in California: moving pictures. There's no sound, so we won't have to worry about the language problem, and I think the kung fu stuff could be huge! People are dying for a good action flick.
- Chon Wang: Chon Wang...
- [sounds like "John Wayne"]
- Chon Wang: ...movie star? It could work.
- Roy: So what are we gonna do? Come on, think! I'm not going to an English prison. With my feathery blond hair and Chon's athletic build, they'll try to make us the bell of the ball.
- Roy: Roy, you're about to die. You're on the minute hand of a clock. My life is flashing before my eyes. Wait a minute. I don't remember her.
- [last lines]
- [workers are repairing Big Ben]
- Worker: Bloody tourists!
- Roy: [to Charlie] Ever heard of parents? We have parents who love us. You don't, 'cause you're an orphan
- Lord Rathbone: [Startled] Must you keep doing that?
- Wu Chow: I was told that I should never be seen or heard.
- Roy: Roy O'Bannon will not go quietly. You hear that, England? Throw whatever you want at me! Your terrible weather! Your perverted killers! Your Spotted Dick!
- Roy: [after waking up to a sheep licking his face] I've just been violated by a barnyard animal, John!
- Lord Rathbone: Perhaps you could explain to me how Looney Lin managed to escape from the confines of Scotland Yard under the watch of the most respected police force in the world.
- Doyle: Yes, of course, it's absolutely fascinating. She picked the lock using a deck of rather risqué playing cards. Then scaled the walls with a mop, a fork, and various pilfered undergarments. I've got to hand it to the Chinese, they're awfully ingenious, Lord, aren't they?
- Lord Rathbone: Does your incompetence know no bounds?
- [Handing Doyle Roy's watch]
- Chon Wang: What else can you tell?
- Doyle: The owner of this watch is a bad gambler and a lousy shot. Although he's cheated death several times, he spends most of his life wandering in a rather pathetic and futile search for purpose and respect... oh, yes. He has a penchant for loose women.
- Charlie Chaplin: [reading an invitation] "Lord Nelson Rathbone requests the pleasure of your company at a gala affair celebrating her Majesty's 50th year on the throne."
- Chon Wang: Sounds good.
- Roy: Yeah, it doesn't address the issue of security. They're not just gonna let me and Chon waltz into the castle.
- Charlie Chaplin: All you need is a proper disguise.
- Roy: I do like a good disguise...
- Roy: [about Lin] Put her down! Put her down!
- Lord Rathbone: Or what, Mr. O'Bannon?
- [American accent]
- Lord Rathbone: Are you gonna kick my ass?
- [normal voice]
- Lord Rathbone: I've read about all your ridiculous exploits. I mean, just, how does it feel to kill a mummy with your bare hands? Only a nation of uneducated rednecks would be amused by such cowboy drivel.
- Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy. What's with the personal attacks? You don't see me making any comments about your pasty complexion or your snotty accent, or even your filthy, smutty sex books! Yeah, I saw your book. It disgusted me...
- [Wu Chow whacks him on the side of the head with a cane]
- Roy: AH! Why is it always the head with you people?
- Roy: [in London] Hey, I'm walking here! You're driving on the wrong side of the road! Bunch of amateurs, these people don't get it!