Bill Engvall: Self
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Quotes
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Bill : My daughter's right in the middle, which is where you want them to be I think. She's friends with the popular kids, she's friends with the unpopular kids, which is cool, until they bring home one of their friends that you don't see eye to eye with. Like, the other day she brought home a friend who's into this goth stuff. Oh my God! Have you seen these little freaks? What happened! With the black nail polish, black lipstick, black eyeliner, black hair, and Liquid Paper-white face. I'm sorry, didn't we used to call that "Halloween"? She came to the door with my daughter, and I did this:
[Bill cracks up laughing and points]
Bill : But, I'm trying to be nice to her because she's my daughter's friend. My daughter says, "Daddy, this is my friend Lucy." I said, "Well, hey Lucy... fer! She looked at me like, "I will set you ablaze right now."
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Bill : I got a great family. I got a 16-year-old daughter who just got her driver's license. So drop to your knees and thank the good Lord above that you live here and not where we live. She is without a doubt the worst driver on the planet. She's got no depth perception at all. We come up to this intersection. There's a car stopped. I'm like, "He stopped. He stopped! He stopped!" She goes, "I can see that." I'm like, "Oh, my God, she's her mother!" The other day, my neighbor asked, "When did you put the CD boom box in your car?" I said, "What?" He goes, "I saw you and your daughter driving down the street, and I heard this -"
[makes a thumping noise]
Bill : I said, "That was me stomping on the imaginary brake on my side of the car.
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Bill : My wife collects twist-ties. Welcome to my world.
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Bill : My litle girl is 16. She's at that age where she's in her room listening to her stereo, online with her friends, and boys are starting to call. Oh, my God. We had a kid call the house at 2 in the morning. I lost it. First off, I'm sound asleep in la-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like, "Who's got a phone in the mountains?" So when I realized it's my phone, I'm already ticked off. I went, "Hello!" And this little voice goes, "Is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull you will hang up this phone up right now!" And my wife goes, "Bill, you gotta be nice." I said, "No, ma'am, nice stops at midnight." She said, "What will you do when these little boys come over?" I said, "I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm gonna pull the young man in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. I'm gonna whisper in his ear. I'm gonna say, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl there? That's my only little girl. She's my life. So if you have any thought about hugging or kissing, you remember these words: I got no problem going back to prison."
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[finishing off "Here's Your Sign"]
Bill : But the best one... The best one I've seen yet happened in Los Angeles, California. I got stuck behind a big rig that wedged his trailer up underneath an overpass and me and the trucker are waiting on the side of the road on the tow truck driver. Well, the highway patrolman pulls up and looks at the guy's rig and he looks at the trucker and I'm thinking, "Oh, Dear God, he can't say it," 'cause I'll start laughing. Sure enough, he goes, "You get your truck stuck?" And God bless this trucker, without missing a beat, he goes: "Nope. I was delivering that overpass and I ran out of gas. Here's your sign."
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Bill : [about trying to quit smoking] I tried everything. I tried the gum, I couldn't keep it lit... I tried the patches, they pulled the skin off my lips... Finally my wife goes "Why don't you try acupuncture?" and I go "Woah woah woah woah!" I go "is that where they screw those little needles into ya" she goes "Yeah" and I go "Why don't you try waking up? I'm not gonna let somebody screw little needles into me" she goes "Bill it's your last option". So we found this lady, her name was Dr. Chang. I had one question for Dr. Chang, anybody know what that question would have been?
[Audience]
Bill : Does it hurt.
Bill : Does it hurt. She goes:
[Chinese accent]
Bill : "Oh no. It no huurt." From a door 3 feet away from me I hear a grown man go "OW OW!" And I go "What was that?" and she goes "Oh, he big baby!" I said "weil I'm a big baby!" So the next thing I know I'm lying on this bed in my underwear, she has screwed a needle into the top of my head, three in each earlobe, one in each pec, one in each of my shins and three between each of my toes. And I'm lying on that bed thinking "Dear God I could use a cigarette right now!" And I can hear her and her partner talking in Chinese, but I don't speak Chinese. And then they start laughing and I'm like "Oh my god! They're filming this!" So she comes in at the half-hour mark. I think she's gonna take the needles out... *No.* She puts a cotton ball on each of the ones in my legs, lights it on fire and *leaves the room!* Well now I'm freakin' out, man, because all I can see is smoke drifting up from between my legs, and I cannot inhale it, Okey-dokey? Finally at the hour mark she comes in, she takes the needles out and goes
[Chinese accemt]
Bill : You come back tomorrow for another treatment. I said "Well let's just book that right now! Hey after that I'll schedule a prostate exam, just be a big ol' day for me!" So I put my ball cap on, I'm gonna go home and take a shower 'cause I've sweated through this whole ordeal. I get home, I'm standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror and I took my cap off and I went "Ow ow!" *SHE LEFT THE NEEDLE IN MY HEAD!*
Bill : [extended version] I swear to God. And I am freakin' out, man because I look like Cindy Lou Who with that little antenna that comes out of her head. And I don't know if there's like an Oriental way I've gotta pull it out and if I do it wrong my whole body's gonna go oh-gah-ooohruhruh... So I called her and I go "Dr. Chang you left the needle in my head!" and she goes
[Chinese Accent]
Bill : Oh don't be big baby, just pull it out!"
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Bill : If I ever find out who told my son this, I will kill them. Apparently, somebody told my son there's a wiener thief out there, and if he takes his hand off it, WSSH! They're gonna snatch it away!
[laughter]
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[about trying to quit smoking]
Bill : Anybody who's ever tried to quit knows exactly what I'm talking about.
[cheers and applause]
Bill : It is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. And people who have never smoked just don't get that. It's like, my wife goes "I don't understand why you just don't quit, Bill. Just put them down and quit." I go, "baby, I am trying. It is hard." And she goes, "I'm sorry, Bill. I don't understand why you just don't quit." And I go, "all right. Why don't you quit yelling?"
[laughter]
Bill : [smugly] 'Cause you can't.
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Bill : My son developed this really bad habit. He would come to my side of the bed and he'd get that close to my face. And just stare at me. You ever get that feeling when you know you're being watched? He's be like: "Dad... Dad... Da-" "What? What? What?" He starts crying. My wife goes, "You scared him!" I'm like, "Hell, he scared me! Jesus, put a bell round his neck!"
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Bill : I took my family on an RV trip last summer. I thought RV stood for "recreational vehicle." No. It stands for "ruins vacations." I had never driven one of these things. Dear God, It's 35 feet long, 8 feet wide, and got 2 mirrors that stick out 3 feet on each side. Good Lord, I was like a passenger trying to land a 747. I'm weaving all over the road. I'm getting flipped off by kids in car seats, all right? Don't know why they put a reverse on these dumb things. I never learned to back it up. If I pulled into a Quickie Mart too far past the pump to get gas there was no backing up. It was, go all the way around the block and try again. Thank God I wasn't the only one. Sometimes there would be 7 or 8 of us just circling that Quickie Mart just like a white trash road race.
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Jeff : [during Jeff's "You Might Be a Redneck"] If you have ever ridden an electric floor buffer...
Bill : [raising his hand, embarrassed] All right, wait, wait, WAIT! Tequila was involved, GET OFF ME!
Jeff : [turning to Ron White] I wonder how many times his wife has said that!
[high fives from Ron and Larry the Cable Guy]
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Bill : [while the guys are all getting individual spa treatments] Larry remember, when you have to go to the bathroom, get out of the tub!
Larry The Cable Guy : [Farts] Too late!
[Bill laughs]
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Jeff : If you ever wore a tube top to a funeral home, you might be...
Bill : [Cracks up laughing] Oh my god! I can't believe you just said that!
Jeff : Why, did that happen to you?
Bill : No, I got a better one. If you ever crack open a beer during a eulogy, you might be a redneck.
Jeff : Let me guess, one of your relatives.
Bill : My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren't even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, "Psshhh!" And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, "What?"
[cast and audience laugh. Jeff stands up with his cup and walks up to a "casket"]
Jeff : Mama sure looks good, don't she?
[Ron joins him]
Ron White : That ain't Mama.
[Larry joins them]
Larry The Cable Guy : No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off.
[Everyone laughs as Jeff, Ron, and Larry sit back down. Larry suddenly gets back up and walks back to the "casket"]
Larry The Cable Guy : Forgot my beer.
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Bill : [Bill's joke scene. Bill is told by Jeff that he must tell Here's Your Sign jokes] I got me a nice one, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?"
[Bill laughs]
Bill : I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
Ron White : Hey Bill, tell the one when we were in Buffalo. You know, the one where we were doing that show in Buffalo and you lost your ah...
Bill : Oh God. We were doing a show in Buffalo, New York. And we land at the airport, and we go down to get our luggage, and mine didn't show up, which I know happens. So we go down to the lost luggage, where everyone is in *such a good mood!* Who applies for that job? Who says, I want to work in lost luggage? You don't have a good day! It's like a job emptying porta-potties, you're just gonna catch crap all day long!
Jeff : That is beautiful, did you just make that up?
Bill : Yeah. I like to use analogies in my show.
[Larry has a confused look on his face. Bill leans over and stage whispers]
Bill : That's where they compare things...
[Cast and audience crack up. Larry gives his look for a moment again, while Jeff and Bill exchange a high five]
Bill : So, anyway. I'm trying to be nice to this woman in lost luggage, and I say, "Excuse me!" And she goes, "Can I help you?" I said, "Yes ma'am. You lost my luggage." She looks me right in the eye, and goes, "Has your plane landed yet?"
[Bill gives look to the audience, while Jeff and Ron raise their hands in 'scouts honor']
Bill : I said, "No princess! I'm having an out-of-body experience! I'm just checking on them!" Here's your sign!
Jeff : I hate to stop you, 'cause I know you have so many good ones, but I've got one for you. This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?"
[audience cracks up]
Jeff : I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign!
Larry The Cable Guy : [very sarcastically] All right, let me try one of these "Bill Engvall Here's Your Sign ders."
[Bill gives look to Jeff, cause it's his fault]
Jeff : I'm sorry! I did not mean to start this up...
Larry The Cable Guy : No, you knew this! Your next album will go "Aluminum!"
[audience and cast crack up]
Larry The Cable Guy : My grandma, is uh, covered in moles.
[cast and audience crack up; see earlier joke in show]
Larry The Cable Guy : No. My grandma, just re'nly passed away. Hundred and four years old. S'right, but they saved the baby.
Bill : I don't think he's kidding!
[Jeff and Ron also shake their heads]
Larry The Cable Guy : No, my grandma just recently passed away. Hundred and four years old. So, I go up there to the flow'r feller, to get a card, and some flow'rs.
Jeff : Wait, wait. You bought a card, for your dead grandmother?
Larry The Cable Guy : They had 'em there.
Jeff : I know I'm going to regret this. What did it say?
Larry The Cable Guy : [laughing] Get well soon!
[Audience cheers]
Larry The Cable Guy : Anyway, I go to the flow'r feller, and get her flow'rs, and a card. And he asks me what this is for. And I tell him my grandma just passed away, hundred and four years old. And he says, "Ooh, a hundred and four? How'd she die?" How'd she die; she's a hundred and four! She wrecked her Harley up there at BikeWeek! Here's your sign!
[audience cheers and claps]
Ron White : Hey Bill, I've got one. My son, Tater Tot, is covered with moles. No, my son, when he was six years old, was going to fly by himself from Dallas to Austin, to spend a week with his grandparents. I'm putting him on the plane; his grandmother is going to take him off the plane. And the woman who I was buying the ticket from asks, "Is there going to be anyone in Austin to pick him up when he gets off the plane?"
[Ron takes his mike and hits himself in the back of the head, in a "duh" gesture]
Ron White : Nope, I'm gonna pin a twenty dollar bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck! Here's your sign!
Jeff : [after audience stops cheering and clapping] Bill, what do you say you try one?
Bill : Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there's just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I'm all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, "Car break down?" I said, "Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!" Here's your sign! I was in the store the other day, and I'm buying some new pants. I put the pants on the counter to buy them, and the little girl behind the counter goes, "Are you gonna buy those?" I said, "Nope, gonna steal them! I just wanted you to see them before I walked out with them." Here's your sign!
Larry The Cable Guy : Hey, tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Jeff : [pause] Yeah, Bill. Tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Ron White : He just ended a sentence in nine prepositions.
Jeff : He a over-achiever.
Larry The Cable Guy : I don't know about all that, but...
[Bill cracks up laughing]
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Bill : If you've ever opened a beer during a eulogy... you might be a redneck!
[cast and crowd laughs]
Jeff : I'm just guessing one of your relatives.
Bill : My uncle Jack. I swear to you, Jeff, we were sitting... We weren't even outside. We were in the church. The reverend had just finished the eulogy and we heard:
[imitates the sound of opening a can of beer]
Bill : And we look in the back, he's sitting there with a beer and he goes, "What?"
[crowd laughs]
Jeff : [Jeff gets up and starts acting like he is drunk and imagines approaching a coffin during a wake] "Mama looks good, don't she?"
[cast and crowd laughs]
Ron White : [Ron joins him as another drunk relative looking at the imaginary coffin] "That ain't Mama!"
[cast and crowd laugh]
Larry The Cable Guy : [Larry now joins Jeff & Ron as yet another drunk relative and approaches the imaginary coffin] "No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off!"
[cast and crowd laugh out loud]
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Bill : God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: "When you gonna wear these for me?" She goes, "I can't. They're your daughter's." "Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
