Andy Chanley: Uber Film Narrator, Globo Gym Ad Narrator
Quotes
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[first lines: Globo Gym commercial]
Globo Gym Ad Narrator : Tired of the same old you? Tired of being out of shape and out of luck with the opposite sex? Tired of being overweight and under-attractive?
White Goodman : [finishing a ride on the skis] Yeah! Oh, hello. I'm White Goodman, Owner, Operator, and Founder of Globo Gym America Corp, and I'm here to tell you that you don't have to be stuck with what ya got.
[a buffed Globo Gym member is lifting weights]
White Goodman : Hey, Rory. Looking good. Here at Globo Gym, we understand that "Ugliness" and "Fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.
[climbing on the rocky wall; grunts]
White Goodman : And that's where we come in.
[cackling]
White Goodman : Globo Gym employs a highly-trained, quasi-cultural staff of personal alterational specialists. And with our competitively-priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning into a Franken-fine!
[wheels out a bandaged-like-a-mummy person in a wheelchair]
White Goodman : Of course you'll still be you in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you than you could ever become without us. How do I know? Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym. I'm also a client.
[a picture of a 600-pound White Goodman from 14 years ago]
White Goodman : That's me. Six years and 600 pounds ago... before I knew how much I hated myself. But that all changed once I founded Globo Gym. But don't just take my word for it. Listen to these Globo-Gymers tell you how it is.
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[a classic Dodgeball instructional film begins]
Uber Film Narrator : [U.A.I.F fanfare] Uber-American Instructional Films, teaching America's youth since 1938.
[Opening; A boy rides a scooter, while a girl jogs behind him. Now we see a young boy painting a fence]
Uber Film Narrator : Hey there, Timmy!
Timmy : [yells] Holy mackerel, Mister. You scared the jeepers out of me.
Uber Film Narrator : How would you like to take a break from that fine lead-based paint... and learn about Dodgeball?
Timmy : Boy, would I!
[the next scene take Timmy into a Opium Den in China]
Timmy : Wow! Where am I, Mister?
Uber Film Narrator : You're in a Chinese Opium Den, Timmy. This is where the sport of Dodgeball was invented in the 15th Century... by Opium-addictive Chinamen. But back then, the Chinamen threw severed heads at each other, instead of the A.D.A.A.-approved balls we use today.
Timmy : A.D.A.A.?
Uber Film Narrator : That's the American Dodgeball Association of America. Dodgeball is played with six players on each team... and six rubber balls. The object of the game is to eliminate the opposing players. Once all the players on team are eliminated, the opposing team wins!
Timmy : Wow! I can't wait to get the fellas together and play!
