Jordan Fry: Mike Teavee
Photos
Quotes
-
Mike Teavee : Why is everything here completely pointless?
Charlie Bucket : Candy doesn't have to have a point. That's why it's candy.
-
Mike Teavee : Who wants a beard?
Willy Wonka : Well, beatniks for one, folk singers, and motorbike riders. Y'know. All those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge, daddy-o! Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I'm layin' down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother!
-
Mr. Salt : [as the squirrels take Veruca] Where are they taking her?
Willy Wonka : Where all the other bad nuts go, to the garbage chute.
Mr. Salt : Where does the chute go?
Willy Wonka : To the incinerator. But don't worry, we only light it on Tuesdays.
Mike Teavee : Today *is* Tuesday.
Willy Wonka : [after a pause] Well, there's always a chance they decided not to light it today.
-
Mike Teavee : You don't understand *anything* about science! First off, there's a difference between waves and particles! DUH! Second, the amount of power it would take to convert energy into matter would be like nine atomic bombs!
Willy Wonka : MUMBLER! Seriously, I can't understand a word you're saying!
-
Mike Teavee : In the end, I only had to buy one candy bar.
TV Reporter : And how did it taste?
Mike Teavee : I don't know. I hate chocolate.
Grandpa George : Well, it's a good thing you're going to a chocolate factory, you ungrateful little bu-
[Mr. Bucket claps his hands over Charlie's ears so he can't hear what's being said]
-
Veruca Salt : Will Violet always be a blueberry?
Willy Wonka : No. Maybe. I dunno. But that's what you get from chewing gum all day, it's just disgusting.
Mike Teavee : If you hate gum so much, why do you make it?
Willy Wonka : Once again you really shouldn't mumble, 'cause it's kinda starting to bum me out.
-
Willy Wonka : You're all quite short, aren't you?
Violet Beauregarde : Well yeah, we're children.
Willy Wonka : Well that's no excuse. I was never as short as you.
Mike Teavee : You were once.
Willy Wonka : Was not. Know why? Because I distinctly remember putting a hat on top of my head. Look at your short little arms. You could never reach.
-
Willy Wonka : [coming upon a tiny door] An important room, this. After all, it is a chocolate factory.
Mike Teavee : Then, why is the door so small?
Willy Wonka : That's to keep all the great big chocolatey flavor inside.
-
[Mike starts stomping on a candy pumpkin, completely destroying it]
Mr. Teavee : Son, please.
Mike Teavee : Dad, he said, "Enjoy!"
-
Mike Teavee : [seeing the Oompa-Loompas for the first time] Are they real people?
Willy Wonka : Of course they're real people. They're Oompa Loompas.
Mr. Salt : Oompa Loompas?
Willy Wonka : Imported. Direct from Loompaland.
Mr. Teavee : There's no such place.
Willy Wonka : What?
Mr. Teavee : Mr. Wonka, I teach high school geography, and I'm here to tell you...
Willy Wonka : Well, then, you'll know all about it and, oh, what a terrible country it is.
-
Mike Teavee : A retard could figure it out.
Mr. Teavee : Most of the time, I don't know what he's talking about. I mean, kids these days, what with all the technology...
Mike Teavee : [blasting enemies in a video game] Die! Die! Die!
Mr. Teavee : Doesn't seem like they stay kids very long.
-
Mr. Teavee : [has just seen chocolate transported by television] So, can you send other things? Say, like, breakfast cereal?
Willy Wonka : Do you have any idea what breakfast cereal's made of? It's those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners.
Charlie Bucket : But could you send it by television if you wanted to?
Willy Wonka : Course I could.
Mike Teavee : What about people?
Willy Wonka : Well, why would I wanna send a person? They don't taste very good at all.
-
[the gum machine spits out a single piece of gum]
Mike Teavee : You mean that's it?
Willy Wonka : Do you even know what *it* is?
-
Mike Teavee : Just put me back in the other way.
Willy Wonka : There is no other way. It's television, not telephone. There's quite a difference.
-
Mike Teavee : Back off, you little freaks!
-
Charlie Bucket : Mr. Wonka? Why would Augustus' name already be in the Oompa-Loompa song, unless - ?
Willy Wonka : Improvisation is a parlor trick. Anyone can do it.
[Turns to look at Violet]
Willy Wonka : You, little girl. Say something. Anything.
Violet Beauregarde : Chewing gum.
Willy Wonka : Chewing gum is really gross. Chewing gum, I hate the most. See? Exactly the same.
Mike Teavee : No, it isn't.
Willy Wonka : [Pretends not to hear] Uh, you really shouldn't mumble. Because I can't hear a word you're saying. Now, on with the tour.
[Starts walking and everyone else follows]
