- Mitch Snider: I'm looking for Woodrow Snider.
- Woodrow Snider: You've found him, man!
- [picks Mitch up and swings him around]
- Woodrow Snider: So who're you?
- Mitch Snider: I'm... your cousin, Mitch.
- Woodrow Snider: Cousin Mitch!
- Woodrow Snider: This chip-off-the-old-bong is our son Harley.
- [covers Harley's ears]
- Woodrow Snider: If he had an Indian name, it would be "Busted Condom".
- Mitch Snider: [finds Woody in the shower with him] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- Woodrow Snider: I'm just lathering you up, here, now you do me.
- [hands Mitch the soap]
- Mitch Snider: I'm not doing anybody!
- Woodrow Snider: Oh hey man, I don't go that way... except maybe one time at a Dead concert, I was lying in a whole pile of bodies, it was hard to tell what anybody was doing.
- Twig Snider: We're going to Milan to study fashion.
- Mitch Snider: [to Allison] You're going to medical school to become a doctor.
- Allison Snider: Maybe I want to do something that'll make ME happy.
- Mitch Snider: Being a doctor will make you happy.
- Allison Snider: You're a doctor, you're not happy.
- Mitch Snider: I'm not happy? Who says I'm not happy?
- Allison Snider: That bulging vein in your forehead.
- Mitch Snider: My veins do not speak.
- Pauline Snider: So what are we celebrating?
- Mitch Snider: Well, I'm going to give Woody one of my kidneys.
- Pauline Snider: Oh that's fantastic! So what're we going to do with it?
- Woodrow Snider: Okay, let's go get started on that Thanksgiving feast.
- Jill Snider: What do you mean 'what're we going to do with it?'?
- Mitch Snider: We're going to take it out of me and put it in Woody.
- Pauline Snider: Oh... so he'll have 3?
- Jill Snider: Woody told Mitch that he needed a kidney.
- [to Woody]
- Jill Snider: She doesn't know?
- Allison Snider: [at a monster truck rally] When you said a rally, I thought you meant like a pep rally.
- Twig Snider: Allison, look at me, do you really think I'd be caught dead at a pep rally?
- Allison Snider: Sorry.
- Twig Snider: No, mostly I just go to these things to piss people off.
- Mitch Snider: Next week is Thanksgiving, why don't we have a traditional family dinner with aunts, uncles, cousins?
- Allison Snider: Because we don't have any.
- Uncle Phil: What's the big rush? All we do there is sit on the front lawn and scream at Toyotas.
- Jill Snider: That's you, Phil.
- Uncle Phil: Oh yeah.
- Jill Snider: Are there any washing machines INSIDE the house?
- Pauline Snider: No, all of our washing machines have passed away and they're not ready to be reborn yet.
- Pauline Snider: Don't you worry, all our animals have died of natural causes. Old Gabby
- [the goat]
- Pauline Snider: over there had congestive heart failure. But Chester,
- [the turkey]
- Pauline Snider: is on his last leg. If he doesn't drop dead soon, all we're having for Thanksgiving is stuffing. But things look good, he's got TB.
- Twig Snider: It just makes me want to smash every last one of their heads like a melon.
- Allison Snider: Okay, so how about if I sleep on the floor?
- Twig Snider: Do you think I'm crazy, too?
- Allison Snider: No way, I have a lot of trouble expressing my anger, and here you are smashing melons, way to go.
- Woodrow Snider: You know what we should do? Have a family sauna.
- Mitch Snider: Oh you have a sauna.
- Woodrow Snider: Uh not really, we just get naked in front of the oven.
- Twig Snider: What if they laugh at me?
- Allison Snider: We smash their heads like melons.
- Twig Snider: [smiles] Right.
- Allison Snider: So what's with the clothes?
- Twig Snider: People already treat me weird for being a Snider... what do you think people would say about me if I dressed like that?
- Allison Snider: I don't know, but at least you wouldn't be a coward.
- Mitch Snider: I can't believe you gave Allison permission to ride in a monster truck!
- Jill Snider: I didn't, and I don't appreciate your tone!
- Twig Snider: Are you making fun of me?
- Allison Snider: No.
- Twig Snider: Because I hate to break it to you, but you're a Snider too!
- Pauline Snider: I put a box filled with wigs in the back incase you guys want to make it on the road.
- Jill Snider: [laughing] Well if I've got kids in the car...
- Pauline Snider: Oh sweet, innocent Jill, that's what gas station bathrooms are for.
- Pauline Snider: [in a push up bra and a blonde wig] Hi, I'm Pamela, Pamela Anderson.
- Mitch Snider: I was gone for half an hour, what the hell did they put in that tea?
- Jill Snider: Wow, this tea is really stout.
- Pauline Snider: I know, it's just grass and organic toothpaste.
- Allison Snider: Uncle Phil?
- Uncle Phil: Allison? What're you doing here?
- Allison Snider: Apparently the same thing you guys are.
- Uncle Phil: Oh, this is...
- Janis: Janis. I'm Pauline's mom.
- Allison Snider: You guys just met and you're already hooked up?
- Janis: At our age, what should we do? Date for a year?
- Harley Snider: Hey, check it out!
- [Harley and Danny watch Allison and Twig wrestle each other in a mud puddle outside the house]
- Danny Snider: Oh, cool! This is just like the videos my dad rents!
- Mitch Snider: [in the car] All I wanted was to meet my cousin, spend a Thanksgiving with family, and what a surprise, all you wanted was money.
- Woodrow Snider: Mitch, this just proves how messed up you are. You'd rather have somebody cut you open than to part with your precious money?
- Mitch Snider: [stomps brake] I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!
- Woodrow Snider: [pause, laughs] What're you talking about? Look at how you dress, look at this car...
- Mitch Snider: Look, I'm going to tell you something that I don't even have the guts to tell Jill. I'm in trouble. I was so jealous of all those doctors always bragging about their investments, that I decided to make a killing. I sunk all my savings into anything with the words 'dotcom' in it. I'm so cash poor now, I'm going to have to work until I'm 90 just to break even.
- Woodrow Snider: [pause] You know, I started a dotcom once. Woodrowwashrepair.com, eh, might've worked better if I had a computer. I guess we really are related.
- Mitch Snider: Between a kid going to college and 2 mortgages on the house, it would've been easier just to give you my kidney.
- Woodrow Snider: Well who said you had to live like that?
- Mitch Snider: Me? What about you? You're just going to let your family get thrown out on the street?
- Woodrow Snider: At least *my* daughter came home today.
- Mitch Snider: Oh my God, Allison!
- Mitch Snider: What is with that kid? I've given her everything!
- Woodrow Snider: That's the funny thing about kids, you can give them more than they want, and the only things they end up wanting is anything but the things you wanted to give them.
- Mitch Snider: [pause] I actually understood that.
- Woodrow Snider: Oh, cool. Explain it to me sometime.
- Janis: [serving the turkey] Mom! Uncle Phil! Come and get it while it's hot!
- Uncle Phil: [from bedroom] I just did!
- Woodrow Snider: Honey, Chester hasn't looked this good in years.
- Janis: I know, the basting really brought out the color in his cheeks.
- Uncle Phil: [entering dining room] The same thing happened with me.