White Chicks (2004)
Marlon Wayans: Marcus Copeland
Photos
Quotes
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Latrell Spencer : Oh, the deception. The betrayal. Man, you deceived me.
Marcus Copeland : Look, man...
Latrell Spencer : Negro, please. Didn't anyone tell you that this was an all-white party, huh? Someone get this jiggaboo away from me.
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Heather Vandergeld : Look who just flew in from the slums of Beverly Hills.
Megan Vandergeld : It's the Beverly Ho-Billies.
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson] Squeeze me?
Kevin Copeland : [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, no, you didn't?
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson] I'm sorry, but um... we just saw your new video. Yeah, they had a screening over at Saks Fifth Avenue in the security office
[laughs]
Marcus Copeland : A klept-ho-maniac!
[laughs]
Megan Vandergeld : [arrogantly] Your mother shops at Saks.
Marcus Copeland : [indignantly]
[as Tiffany Wilson]
Marcus Copeland : What?
[the Vandergeld Sisters proudly do siss-fingers]
Kevin Copeland : [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, my God. You want to talk about mothers? You wanna talk about mothers! It's mother time, OK?Your mother's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a Pap smear! "Something's wrong, Dr Dre! My coochie's doing a beatbox!"
Heather Vandergeld : Well, yeah? Your mother's so stupid she exercises when she could just get, like, liposuction or something!
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered. You breast-feed like this:
[blows powder from hand, and everyone laughs]
Heather Vandergeld : Your mother is so, like... She's so...
[to Megan]
Heather Vandergeld : Megan, you go!
Megan Vandergeld : Your mother is so stupid that she goes to Barney's Rooftop Deck Restaurant for lunch and orders a niçoise salad and calls it a 'ni-coise' salad. 'Ni-coise' salad, right?
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's ass is so hairy, it looks like Don King's about to pop out and say, "Only in America!"
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Marcus Copeland : I don't see why I gotta go out with Buffy the White Girl Slayer.
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Marcus Copeland : Look, King Kong. Why don't you take you and your "1980 pick-up lines," climb all the way up to the top of the Empire State Building, beat on your big old monkey chest, and then jump off? Excuse me.
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Marcus Copeland , Kevin Copeland : Triple-T, K, A. Time to totally kick ass!
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[gives dog to hotel clerk]
Marcus Copeland : Take good care of him. Oh, and teach him how to say "Yo quiero Taco Bell". 'Kay?
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Kevin Copeland : Forget him, Marcus. We can do this ourselves. Look, all we gotta do is--is--is...
Marcus Copeland : Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. "We?" Kevin, this ain't about "we." It's never been. It's about you. You come up with some stupid idea and I'm dumb enough to go along with it. And look where it's gotten me, Kevin. I just lost my wife and my job because of you. So don't tell me about "we" no more, all right?
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[Kevin and Marcus approach the desk at the hotel, disguised as Brittany and Tiffany, respectively. "Brittany"'s fake breasts knock over multiple items on the desk]
Kevin Copeland : Sorry. Um... um... They're new. Dr. Dorfman did an *amazing* job.
Marcus Copeland : [squeezes "Brittany"'s breast] They feel *so* real.
Agent Jake Harper : Hi. I, I, um... I need a credit card, please. And, and some I.D., please.
Kevin Copeland : ["Brittany" takes "her" I.D. out of "her" handbag and realizes it has Kevin's information and photo on. "She" quickly thinks and acts offended] Credit card? I.D.? I'm *so* freakin' pissed*! First of all, I go to Dr. Dorf and he totally messes up my nose job. I ask him to make me look like Gwyneth Paltrow... I get off the surgery table looking like freakin' *Shrek*! Then I get *here*, and Mr. *Harper* makes me feel like I'm some dumb blonde with fake boobs going to a Hugh Hefner party!
Agent Jake Harper : No, I-I didn't mean to offend you; it's just, it's... it's protocol!
Kevin Copeland : I'm gonna have a B.F.!
Marcus Copeland : Oh, my God... She's gonna have a bitch fit!
Agent Jake Harper : No, no, no, d-d-don't have a-a-a B.F. now.
Kevin Copeland : I wanna speak to your supervisor! Better yet, I'm gonna write a letter!
Marcus Copeland : [to Harper] You are in *big* trouble!
Kevin Copeland : [Agitated, "Brittany" grabs a pen and a sheet of paper and starts writing] Dear... Mr... Royal... Hampton. I... am... a... *white*... woman... in... America.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon : [appears] Ladies, is there a problem here?
Marcus Copeland , Kevin Copeland : Yes.
Agent Jake Harper : No! Sir, no, no, there's... there's no problem.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon : These are two of our VIP guests. Issue them keys. Immediately.
Agent Jake Harper : [nods nervously] Yes, sir.
Marcus Copeland : [to Harper] V. I. P. Learn your acronyms, okay?
Kevin Copeland : [to Gordon after he hands the "girls" room cards] What a sweetheart!
Section Chief Elliott Gordon : Enjoy your stay.
Kevin Copeland : Has anyone ever told you you look *just* like Denzel Washington?
Section Chief Elliott Gordon : [laughing] Yeah, actually I have heard it once... or twice.
Kevin Copeland : What a beautiful chocolate man! Beautiful!
["Brittany" and "Tiffany" walk away giggling; Gordon and Harper exchange puzzled looks]
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Megan Vandergeld : [realizing her father's hostage kidnapping plot, and he is the kidnapper] Daddy! Why are you doing this?
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson, but in his regular voice] Daddy didn't tell you? He's broke!
Heather Vandergeld : [confused] What do you mean "broke"? Like, Martha Stewart "broke"? Or MC Hammer "broke"?
Warren Vandergeld : MC Hammer broke!
Megan Vandergeld , Heather Vandergeld : [the Vandergelds wail and cry] NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Marcus Copeland : [Marcus emerges from the boot of the car, covered in the Wilson Sisters' luggage] Man! You guys sure got a lot of bags for a weekend!
Brittany Wilson : [scoffs] This isn't *a* weekend!
Tiffany Wilson : It's *the* weekend!
Brittany Wilson : Labor Day in The Hamptons. The last weekend of the social season. Like, only the hottest people are going to be there.
Tiffany Wilson : And only the hottest of the *hottest* are going make it onto the cover of "Hamptons Magazine"! And this is *our* year!
Brittany Wilson : [squeals] Yay!
[to Kevin, driving the car]
Brittany Wilson : Uh, open the window. Baby likes a little fresh breeze.
[Kevin opens the window]
Brittany Wilson : I just hope the Vandergeld Sisters' private jet *crashes* on the way there!
Tiffany Wilson : [shocked] Oh, my God, Brittany!
Brittany Wilson : [to Tiffany] You were thinking it!
Tiffany Wilson : [to Brittany] I know, but you *said* it!
Brittany Wilson : I know, I know!
Tiffany Wilson : And you, know, Heather totally *hates* you because you slept with her boyfriend.
Brittany Wilson : Oh, my God! So what? I sleep with *everyone's* boyfriend!
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Kevin Copeland : [the Wilson Sisters get off the private jet and walk over to the arrival terminal, toward Kevin and Marcus] Hi, I'm Kevin Copeland...
Tiffany Wilson : [rolling her eyes at them] We already *gave* to the United Negro Fund!
Brittany Wilson : Yeah!
[They continue walking]
Kevin Copeland , Marcus Copeland : [in unison] Excuse us. Whoa-whoa-whoa! Hold on, hold on!
Kevin Copeland : Hold on!
[explaining to them their actual task]
Kevin Copeland : We're actually here to escort you ladies to The Hamptons.
Tiffany Wilson : Oh!
[hands them their bags]
Tiffany Wilson : The bags are on the plane.
Brittany Wilson : [gives Marcus her dog carrier, with their dog, Baby] Here, take Baby and clean out his bag. Oh, my God. He didn't have his colonic, and he, like, pooped everywhere!
[Baby, the dog, yaps]
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[dressed as Tiffany Wilson, Marcus and the girls lay peacefully on a sunny beach]
Tori : I am so glad I got waxed today.
Karen : Ugh, me too. What did you get?
Tori : The Bald Eagle.
Karen : I got the Bermuda Triangle.
Lisa : The Landing Strip.
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson] I got the Buckwheat.
Karen : Eww, that's sick.
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson] Ahh, what a beautiful sunny day!
[shadow falls over body]
Marcus Copeland : Oh my God, what happened to the sun? Ahh!
Latrell Spencer : Easy white chocolate, I wouldn't want you to melt.
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson] Yeah, hasta la vista Schwarzenegro. Okay, bye.
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Marcus Copeland : You hit like a bitch! C'mon.
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[Last lines]
Marcus Copeland : Hey girls!
Karen : Hi.
Tori : So you guys were pretending to be them all the time?
Kevin Copeland : Yes, we were, but we was just doing our job. I just hope you guys aren't too pissed off at us.
Karen : We're so bummed! We liked Brittany and Tiffany like... so much more when you were them.
[laughing]
Karen : So much more!
Lisa : So I guess this means we won't be hanging out anymore.
Kevin Copeland : Aw, don't say that. Of course, we will. We'll hang out.
Marcus Copeland : Yeah, we're all gonna get together and we're gonna go...
Marcus Copeland , Karen , Tori , Kevin Copeland , Lisa : SHOPPING!
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Marcus Copeland : Hey, baby.
Gina Copeland : Don't "hey baby" me. I can't believe you have me sitting here all night worried about you.
Marcus Copeland : All night? Baby, it's only 8:00. Look, after work, me and Kevin went down to the bar and had a couple of drinks.
Gina Copeland : I know. I called the bar. They said you left at 7:45. I checked MapQuest. It only takes 6 minutes to get there from here. So, if you got somebody one the side, Marcus, you need to tell me.
Marcus Copeland : Baby, listen to what you just say. MapQuest said it takes 6 minutes to get here. I got here in 8. Which means there's 2 minutes unaccounted for. If I was cheating on you, don't you think I'd need more than 2 minutes?
[Gina gives Marcus a dirty look]
Marcus Copeland : You know what? I ain't going to deal with this. I'm tired, okay? I had a long day at work. I got shot at.
Gina Copeland : See, that is exactly what I'm talking about. We don't communicate.
Marcus Copeland : Okay, fine. You wanna communicate.
Gina Copeland : Yes.
Marcus Copeland : Come on. Let's communicate. Okay?
Gina Copeland : Okay. Let's start with last week.
Marcus Copeland : Last week.
Gina Copeland : You and I were supposed to go shopping together. We get to the mall. I buy this beautiful dress, I get my hair done. You don't say anything. I don't know, maybe you just want to...
[Marcus falls asleep]
Gina Copeland : Marcus! Did you here me just now?
Marcus Copeland : Mm-hmm.
Gina Copeland : Tell me what I said.
Marcus Copeland : I heard everything. You was communicating.
Gina Copeland : Marcus, don't play with me right now. I am not in the mood. I cannot believe you came home late and then you start... Marcus! You are falling asleep again. I am talking to you.
[Marcus falls asleep again]
Marcus Copeland : I wasn't asleep, baby, I was closing my eyes and visualing your words.
Gina Copeland : Oh, really? Visualizing? Well, why don't you pant me a picture of what I just said.
Marcus Copeland : Hold on.
Gina Copeland : Mm-mm. You know why? Because you are falling asleep again. Marcus! Marcus!
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Karen : Way to get us sat at the losers' table. I thought you had it all hooked up.
Tori : Excuse me. I do have a hook-up. Don't blame me. Blame Little Miss Def Jam over here, who had to go Yo' mama on the Vandergelds. We could have be finished in this town.
Kevin Copeland : [as Brittany Wilson] Someone had to stand up to those guys.
Lisa : They're the it girls. That's the way it's always been.
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson] Whatever.
