White Chicks (2004)
Shawn Wayans: Kevin Copeland
Photos
Quotes
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Heather Vandergeld : Look who just flew in from the slums of Beverly Hills.
Megan Vandergeld : It's the Beverly Ho-Billies.
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson] Squeeze me?
Kevin Copeland : [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, no, you didn't?
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson] I'm sorry, but um... we just saw your new video. Yeah, they had a screening over at Saks Fifth Avenue in the security office
[laughs]
Marcus Copeland : A klept-ho-maniac!
[laughs]
Megan Vandergeld : [arrogantly] Your mother shops at Saks.
Marcus Copeland : [indignantly]
[as Tiffany Wilson]
Marcus Copeland : What?
[the Vandergeld Sisters proudly do siss-fingers]
Kevin Copeland : [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, my God. You want to talk about mothers? You wanna talk about mothers! It's mother time, OK?Your mother's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a Pap smear! "Something's wrong, Dr Dre! My coochie's doing a beatbox!"
Heather Vandergeld : Well, yeah? Your mother's so stupid she exercises when she could just get, like, liposuction or something!
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered. You breast-feed like this:
[blows powder from hand, and everyone laughs]
Heather Vandergeld : Your mother is so, like... She's so...
[to Megan]
Heather Vandergeld : Megan, you go!
Megan Vandergeld : Your mother is so stupid that she goes to Barney's Rooftop Deck Restaurant for lunch and orders a niçoise salad and calls it a 'ni-coise' salad. 'Ni-coise' salad, right?
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's ass is so hairy, it looks like Don King's about to pop out and say, "Only in America!"
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Kevin Copeland : [chasing and tackling Purse Snatcher] Gimme that.
Purse Snatcher : Jesus, lady! All this for just a handbag?
Kevin Copeland : It's not "just" a handbag. It's Prada!
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Marcus Copeland , Kevin Copeland : Triple-T, K, A. Time to totally kick ass!
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Kevin Copeland : [as Brittany Wilson]
[Brittany comes the dressing room with an outfit]
Kevin Copeland : How about this?
Lisa : [Sobbing] You bitch, that's so terrible!
Kevin Copeland : [as Brittany Wilson] OK, I'm going to go get help, OK? You need professional help.
Lisa : [Sobbing] OK! OK!
Kevin Copeland : [as Brittany Wilson] Dr Phil!
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Lisa : I'm Carnie Wilson before my gastric bypass surgery.
Kevin Copeland : This one goes with your skin tone.
Lisa : Somebody throw Shamu back in the ocean.
[shouts]
Lisa : Whoo.
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Kevin Copeland : Forget him, Marcus. We can do this ourselves. Look, all we gotta do is--is--is...
Marcus Copeland : Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. "We?" Kevin, this ain't about "we." It's never been. It's about you. You come up with some stupid idea and I'm dumb enough to go along with it. And look where it's gotten me, Kevin. I just lost my wife and my job because of you. So don't tell me about "we" no more, all right?
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[Kevin and Marcus approach the desk at the hotel, disguised as Brittany and Tiffany, respectively. "Brittany"'s fake breasts knock over multiple items on the desk]
Kevin Copeland : Sorry. Um... um... They're new. Dr. Dorfman did an *amazing* job.
Marcus Copeland : [squeezes "Brittany"'s breast] They feel *so* real.
Agent Jake Harper : Hi. I, I, um... I need a credit card, please. And, and some I.D., please.
Kevin Copeland : ["Brittany" takes "her" I.D. out of "her" handbag and realizes it has Kevin's information and photo on. "She" quickly thinks and acts offended] Credit card? I.D.? I'm *so* freakin' pissed*! First of all, I go to Dr. Dorf and he totally messes up my nose job. I ask him to make me look like Gwyneth Paltrow... I get off the surgery table looking like freakin' *Shrek*! Then I get *here*, and Mr. *Harper* makes me feel like I'm some dumb blonde with fake boobs going to a Hugh Hefner party!
Agent Jake Harper : No, I-I didn't mean to offend you; it's just, it's... it's protocol!
Kevin Copeland : I'm gonna have a B.F.!
Marcus Copeland : Oh, my God... She's gonna have a bitch fit!
Agent Jake Harper : No, no, no, d-d-don't have a-a-a B.F. now.
Kevin Copeland : I wanna speak to your supervisor! Better yet, I'm gonna write a letter!
Marcus Copeland : [to Harper] You are in *big* trouble!
Kevin Copeland : [Agitated, "Brittany" grabs a pen and a sheet of paper and starts writing] Dear... Mr... Royal... Hampton. I... am... a... *white*... woman... in... America.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon : [appears] Ladies, is there a problem here?
Marcus Copeland , Kevin Copeland : Yes.
Agent Jake Harper : No! Sir, no, no, there's... there's no problem.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon : These are two of our VIP guests. Issue them keys. Immediately.
Agent Jake Harper : [nods nervously] Yes, sir.
Marcus Copeland : [to Harper] V. I. P. Learn your acronyms, okay?
Kevin Copeland : [to Gordon after he hands the "girls" room cards] What a sweetheart!
Section Chief Elliott Gordon : Enjoy your stay.
Kevin Copeland : Has anyone ever told you you look *just* like Denzel Washington?
Section Chief Elliott Gordon : [laughing] Yeah, actually I have heard it once... or twice.
Kevin Copeland : What a beautiful chocolate man! Beautiful!
["Brittany" and "Tiffany" walk away giggling; Gordon and Harper exchange puzzled looks]
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Kevin Copeland : [the Wilson Sisters get off the private jet and walk over to the arrival terminal, toward Kevin and Marcus] Hi, I'm Kevin Copeland...
Tiffany Wilson : [rolling her eyes at them] We already *gave* to the United Negro Fund!
Brittany Wilson : Yeah!
[They continue walking]
Kevin Copeland , Marcus Copeland : [in unison] Excuse us. Whoa-whoa-whoa! Hold on, hold on!
Kevin Copeland : Hold on!
[explaining to them their actual task]
Kevin Copeland : We're actually here to escort you ladies to The Hamptons.
Tiffany Wilson : Oh!
[hands them their bags]
Tiffany Wilson : The bags are on the plane.
Brittany Wilson : [gives Marcus her dog carrier, with their dog, Baby] Here, take Baby and clean out his bag. Oh, my God. He didn't have his colonic, and he, like, pooped everywhere!
[Baby, the dog, yaps]
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[disguised as Brittany Wilson, Kevin meets Denise]
Kevin Copeland : Hi, my name is...
Denise Porter : Brittany Wilson, of course.
Kevin Copeland : [as Brittany Wilson] Yeah. How'd you know. Brittany Wilson. Yeah.
Denise Porter : Well, it's my job to know. Your publicist, Tori, has been calling me nonstop about setting up an interview.
Kevin Copeland : [as Brittany Wilson] If I would've known you were so beautiful, I probably would've called you myself.
Denise Porter : Well, if I wasn't mistaken, I'd think you were flirting with me, Miss Wilson.
Kevin Copeland : [as Brittany Wilson] Me? Flirting with you? A girl? Never!
[hits Denise]
Kevin Copeland : Sorry, honey. Only beef.
Denise Porter : Boy, you're really strong, aren't you?
Kevin Copeland : [as Brittany Wilson] It's from all that protein.
[hits Denise again]
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Denise Porter : [finishing her report] I'm Denise Porter. Good night.
Kevin Copeland : [approaching to Denise] Denise, hi. I'm Kevin Copeland. I'm an FBI agent. I make $30,000 a year after taxes. I don't drive a Bentley, I don't have a house on the hill, but I'd really like to take you out.
Denise Porter : Are you kidding me? Any man who would jump in front of a bullet for me... can definitely take me on a date.
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Denise Porter : [telling her story to Kevin/Latrell] So, no. I jump over the fence, fall. I scrape my knee...
Kevin Copeland : Get outta here.
Denise Porter : No, seriously, listen. I scrape my knee. I get chased by the cops and I spend the night in jail.
Kevin Copeland : That's insane. You did all that just to find J-Lo and Ben's hideaway?
Denise Porter : I can't help it. You know, investigative journalism is my passion.
Kevin Copeland : So how'd you end up writing puff pieces for the local news.
Denise Porter : Unfortunately, I made some enemies, and ended up getting fired from my last job.
Kevin Copeland : What happened?
Denise Porter : Believe me, you don't want to know about that.
Kevin Copeland : Look, I spent all night talking about myself. Sometimes it's good for a man to just sit back and listen.
Denise Porter : Well, since you put it that way. I did this piece on Warren Vandergeld. Him and his partners tried to swindle a guy.
Kevin Copeland : You talking about Ted Burton?
Denise Porter : Yeah, how did you know that?
Kevin Copeland : It was in the paper. I read about it.
Denise Porter : But what they didn't report in the paper, was that Burton was 10 times smarter than all of them. He embezzled millions and stashed it in an offshore account. When Vandergeld heard the story was going to break, he didn't want to be embarrassed. Well, there goes my job. You know, you're a good listener. It seems like you have the whole package.
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[Last lines]
Marcus Copeland : Hey girls!
Karen : Hi.
Tori : So you guys were pretending to be them all the time?
Kevin Copeland : Yes, we were, but we was just doing our job. I just hope you guys aren't too pissed off at us.
Karen : We're so bummed! We liked Brittany and Tiffany like... so much more when you were them.
[laughing]
Karen : So much more!
Lisa : So I guess this means we won't be hanging out anymore.
Kevin Copeland : Aw, don't say that. Of course, we will. We'll hang out.
Marcus Copeland : Yeah, we're all gonna get together and we're gonna go...
Marcus Copeland , Karen , Tori , Kevin Copeland , Lisa : SHOPPING!
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Karen : Way to get us sat at the losers' table. I thought you had it all hooked up.
Tori : Excuse me. I do have a hook-up. Don't blame me. Blame Little Miss Def Jam over here, who had to go Yo' mama on the Vandergelds. We could have be finished in this town.
Kevin Copeland : [as Brittany Wilson] Someone had to stand up to those guys.
Lisa : They're the it girls. That's the way it's always been.
Marcus Copeland : [as Tiffany Wilson] Whatever.
