The Three Stooges (2012)
Chris Diamantopoulos: Moe
Photos
Quotes
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Moe : [points at Snooki's Guinness beer hat] Just 'cause she's wearing a genius hat doesn't mean she is one.
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Larry : Hey, quit horsing around, you two. You're disturbing my coffee break.
Curly : Oh, boy, donuts! Where's mine?
Moe : They're small. Why don't you have two?
Curly : Okay.
[Moe sticks donuts in Curly's ears]
Curly : Oh, now look what you did, Moe! You got donut stuck in my ears!
Larry : Hey, you're in luck. They got a donut remover right here.
Moe : What's a donut remover?
Larry : It's one of these.
[reads the sign on the bell]
Larry : "Do-nut remove-uh."
Moe : Huh. What are the odds of that?
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Larry : $830,000. First taker gets a three-man working machine. It's all spelled out in this here contract, folks.
Moe : That's right. No job is too small. We'll press your pants, we'll shine your shoes.
Curly : We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze. Nyuk nyuk.
[Moe slaps Curly]
Moe : What's the matter with you? Quit givin' away the fine print.
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Lydia : My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Mac : Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. The pain increasing daily till I lapse into an irreversible coma.
Curly : I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah. It's called coma toes.
[Curly and Larry laugh]
Moe : [mock laughing] Oh, coma toes, huh?
Curly : Yeah.
[Moe stomps on Curly's foot]
Moe : Are they awake now?
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Ronnie : What are you, crazy? That's assault!
Moe : Heres your pepper. Shut up.
[Moe slaps him]
The Situation : My man!
Ronnie : Who asked ya, muscle-head?
[Moe pokes him in the head]
JWoww : Moe! You can't just go around hitting people.
Moe : No? Well, can I do this?
[Moe plucks out her nose hair]
Moe : Hmm, rare bouquet.
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Moe : What are you grubworms doing?
Curly : Getting seconds on lobster.
Moe : Seconds? I thought lobster upset your stomach.
Curly : I dipped it in pesto-bismol.
Moe : Oh, you like dipping, eh?
Curly : Yeah.
Moe : Come here.
[Moe dips Curly's head into the water, he pulls him out with a lobster attached to his face]
Larry : Hey, look, it's Santy Claws. Claws!
Moe : What did I tell you about puns?
[Moe stuffs the lobster down Larry's pants]
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Mac : [furiously - while trapped in car submerged in water] Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?
Moe : [passes gas, everybody groans in disgust] I'm sorry! I guess the pesto-bismol didn't help with the lobster.
Moe : [grabs Curly by the ears and says furiously] Did you eat the shells again?
Curly : I don't know! It was on the plate and then it wasn't!
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Mac : [as he and Lydia are being arrested] Come on, come on, what's it gonna take, huh? Come on, come on, let's make a deal, I- I...
Lydia : [screaming at Mac] Shut up!
Mac : You shut up!
Policeman #3 : Just get in there.
Mac : [to the police officer] I'll sing like a canary. You know, you name 'em, I'll blame 'em.
Policeman #3 : I don't care.
Teddy : It's ironic, isn't it? Here I am, the so-called "lucky one" who got adopted, and yet I never could find the one thing that you three have always had. You know, you're happy with yourselves, and with each other. That's a real blessing. So what can I do to pay you guys back for saving my life?
Lydia : Funny you should ask: Can you give us 830,000 bucks to save the orphanage?
Teddy : Uh... no.
[the Stooges gasp in shock]
Teddy : That guy that adopted me, he shipped me off to military school when I was seven. And he just... he just tried to murder me, and run off with my wife, and- and you expect me to just give money to the women who handed me over to that monster? I'm sorry, guys, I'd do anything for those kids and- and you guys, but... I can't do that, uh... sorry.
Policeman #3 : Excuse me, Mr. Harter? Could you come over here and give us a statement? Right this way.
Moe : [Moe slaps Larry] "Donut remover."
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Curly : Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Fellas, do something!
Larry : [nervously] Moe, Moe!
Moe : What's the matter with y...
[gasps]
Curly : Call 411
[whimpers]
Moe : [to Larry] Quick, help me grab sister M and M before chowderhead crushes her!
[bonks to a water retainer, Curly falls on top of her, Mary-Mengele groans]
Moe : [to Curly] You, help out.
[to Larry]
Moe : You, grab that bucket, splash some water on her.
[metal from the bell hits Mary-Mengele thru the bucket]
Larry : See? I told you there's too much iron in the water.
Moe : Speak to me, sis. Say a few parables!
Sister Mary-Mengele : [dizzy and hallucinating] I saved 15% on my car insurance.
Larry : She seems fine to me.
Moe : Come on, let's go see what Mother Superior wants.
[Sister Mary-Mengele's head hits the water retainer]
Moe : [groans]
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Moe : Fellas, it's too high -
[Larry and Curly collide with Moe, nearly pushing him over the rooftop]
Moe : Aaah!
[Larry and Curly catch Moe by the legs and pull him back to the roof]
Moe : Why you lamebrains!
[Moe slaps Larry and Curly across their faces]
Larry : Hey, look, a fire hose! We can lower ourselves down to the ground.
Moe : The kid's right, it's foolproof! Come on.
[the Stooges unwind the fire hose and jump down to the ground below; the hose comes off its reel and the Stooges drop to the ground, landing on Teddy]
Moe , Curly , Larry : Aah-aah!
[the hose's reel hits Moe on the head as Teddy gets back on his feet]
Moe : Ow! Why don't you watch where you're going, bud?
Teddy : I'm sorry, 100 percent my fault. Sometimes I just get lost in my own head and I - Moe? Larry, Curly, is that you?
Moe : Depends who's asking.
Teddy : It's me, Teddo J. Harter.
Moe : Who?
Teddy : Teddy, from the orphanage, Teddy. You remember, Moe, I went home with your parents.
Moe : What're you trying to pull? The Teddy we knew was this tall and he only had one shoe.
Larry : Yeah, and he didn't sound like you.
Teddy : Here- here, look, I got a snapshot of me and the 'rents leaving the orphanage.
[the photo shows Teddy being adopted by his new parents and Moe being taken back by the nuns]
Larry : Hey, it is you.
[Larry looks at Teddy's photo]
Larry : I was wondering, how are Moe's folks doing? They seem like good eggs.
Teddy : Yeah, well Dad's doing great, I work with him at the law firm downtown; but Mother, she passed on several years ago, hunting accident.
Moe , Curly , Larry : Oh, sure, yeah.
Teddy : So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you.
[the Stooges recoil at the mention of "poke", being unaware that it's a different kind of "poke"]
Teddy : Better yet, I'll tweet you.
Curly : Oh, tweet us to dinner? Soitanly!
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Mac : Ohh!
Lydia : My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Mac : Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more, pain increasing daily until I lapse into an irreversible coma.
Curly : I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called coma-toes.
[Larry and Curly laugh]
Moe : [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?
Curly : Yeah.
Curly : [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!
Moe : Are they awake now?
[Curly growls]
Mac : Gentlemen.
[the Stooges look behind them, unaware that Mac is referring to them]
Mac : [losing patience] Gentlemen!
Mac : I'm sure you can understand why I... prefer to leave this world on my own terms, rather than spend the rest of my life a vegetable.
Moe : I don't know, it sounds illegal.
Larry : Wait a minute, legs. Did you say $830,000 bucks?
Lydia : I did.
Larry : [Larry whistles Whew] That's a good day's pay.
Curly : Hey, wait a minute, fellas. That's exactly the amount of money we' re looking for.
Moe : You're right. This must be fate, time-bomb. You can count us in!
Mac : [the Stooges shake Mac's hand] Ah, that's swell.
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Moe : [in Teddy's bedroom] Teddy! Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what's the matter? Come on boy, speak to me.
Teddy : [barely awake] Who are you?
Moe : It's us, it's Moe...
Larry : Larry...
Curly : And Curly.
Teddy : [Teddy is still half-awake] Guys, what are you doing here?
Moe : All right buddy, we got you now.
Moe , Curly , Larry : [Lydia and Mac enter Teddy's bedroom] Nyah-ah-aah!
Teddy : [drowsily] Oh, honey, thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.
Moe : That ain't the only thing she's doing behind your back.
Curly : Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.
Larry : And now it looks like she slipped you some knockout juice.
Teddy : [still drowsy] Lydia, what are they talking about?
Lydia : [feigning innocence] Honey, I am as confused as you are. All I know is that these men crashed our party, and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.
Moe : Teddy, you've known us since you were a baby. Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches. We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?
Teddy : [still drowsy] Wait, Lydia, why am I still in bed if- if the party's going on?
Mac : [Lydia looks at Mac while trying to come up with an answer] I'll tell you why.
Teddy : [Mac reveals his left hand, which has a gun in it] Oh, Mac.
Moe , Curly , Larry : Nyah-ah-aah!
Mr. Harter : [Mr. Harter enters the room, with a gun in his right hand] Don't even think about it, Mac.
Mr. Harter : [the Stooges sigh and chuckle with relief] Real slow, now. Drop it to the floor.
Mac : Not a problem.
[Mac slowly puts the gun on the floor]
Teddy : Good work, Dad. You know, I had a feeling something was going on, but you, Mac? I mean, you were my best pal. Why would you do that?
Mac : It wasn't my idea; she was calling the shots, I swear.
Mr. Harter : No, Mac, I was calling the shots.
[Lydia walks up next to Mr. Harter, and kisses him, indicating Mr. Harter's and Lydia's treacherous partnership to get rid of Teddy]
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Mother Superior : Boys, where have you been? We've been looking for you everywhere.
Moe : Well, I guess we just didn't have the nerve to come back and tell you... we failed.
Mother Superior : Oh, you didn't fail. Look at our new home.
Moe : [surprisedly] New home? Who paid for all this?
Peezer : You did!
Moe : Huh?
Moe's Hip Executive : The kid's right. The money's coming out of your pocket.
Moe : Sorry slick, but we don't have that kind of dough!
Moe's Hip Executive : Oh, you will. See, the network has taken the liberty of paying off the orphanage's debts and building the new complex. Think of it as an advance. All you got to do is sign right here, boys, and you three will be the stars of our next big reality show: "Nuns vs. Nitwits". What do you say?
Moe : Oh, gee!
Curly : I always wanted to be a nun! Mmm...
Mother Superior : Oh, and by the way, the Jersey Shore kids pitched in for the down payment.
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Balloon Girl : [hanging on to the balloons which have risen to the sunroof] Mommy!
Moe , Larry , Curly : Nyah-ah-aah!
[one of the guests cries out "Oh!"]
Moe : Think of something, lamebrains!
Larry : [Larry points to a rifle on the wall] Hey look, a balloon popper.
Curly : Oh, heh-heh-heh.
[Larry gets the rifle from above the fireplace]
Larry : I'll get it!
[Larry starts to aim the rifle]
Moe : What's the matter with you? That's a kid up there! Where's your gun safety?
[Moe takes the rifle from Larry's hands, and hits him on the forehead with the rifle's butt end; the rifle fires, popping one of the balloons as the little girl falls on the cake below]
Balloon Girl : [laughing] That was awesome!
French Chef : Nooo-oh-oh-oh-ohhhh, oh-oh-ohhh! Mon gateau!
Moe : Come on, fellas.
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[last lines]
Moe : Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once.
Curly : Oh, you said it.
[Curly leans on the diving board, knocking Sister Mary-Mengele into the swimming pool]
Sister Mary-Mengele : Aaah!
Curly : Oh, oh, oh oh!
Moe , Curly , Larry : Nyah-aah-aah!
Sister Mary-Mengele : I'm going to mash your heads... like potatoes!
Moe , Curly , Larry : Nyah-aah-aah!
Curly : Woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
[the Stooges jump on trampolines and over the hedge, landing on horses and riding away]
Larry : Hey fellas, wait! Wait up! Whoa, whoa! How do you steer this thing? Oh, boy...
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Curly : I got the saw, Moe.
Moe : Yeah? Well, you're too late.
[turning around, he finds Curly revving the chainsaw an inch from his face]
Moe : Nyahh!
[taking it away]
Moe : What's the matter with you? You trying to hurt someone? Why, you...!
Curly : [Moe uses the saw on his head] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, look!
Moe : [seeing the teeth are chewed up] Nyah! Now look what you did.
Curly : It's not my fault. There was a chain reaction on the saw, see? Saw.
Moe : Oh, a punster, eh?
[looking around for the sledgehammer]
Moe : Where's that hammer?
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Teddy : Hey, wait a minute, where are you guys living?
Moe : You know the Ritz Carlton on Oak Street?
Teddy : Oh, sure.
Curly : Yeah, we're camped out in the dumpster out back.
Larry : But not the dirty, beat-up green one. It's the shiny blue one right next to it
Teddy : Oh... You know, I've got an idea: Why don't you guys come crash at my place, just until you get your feet back on the ground?
Larry : Oh boy, that sounds terrific!
Curly : Yeah, heh.
Moe : We're not going anywhere.
Larry : What are you talking about, Moe?
Moe : Thanks Teddy Bear, but we're gonna stay put. We got too many irons in the fire right now.
Teddy : Of course you do. Hey look, I gotta get going; I'm supposed to be visiting a friend. Wait, let's get a quick pic first.
Moe : What is that gadget?
Teddy : It's an iPhone.
Curly : [squints into Teddy's iPhone] Eye-phone? Hello? Hello! There's nobody there.
Teddy : Works better on your ear. Here, come on, everybody.
Moe : Where do you think you're going?
[Moe pulls Larry's hair]
Larry : Aah!
Moe : Here, let me get- Wait a minute, wait a second.
[Moe climbs on top of Curly and Larry as they pose for a quick photo]
Teddy : Smile!
[Teddy takes the Stooges' photo]
Teddy : [Teddy chuckles] Oh, that's great. It's so good to see you guys, really. You haven't changed a bit.
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Larry : [after Moe has just refused Teddy's offer to stay at his place] Hey, what- Have you got rocks in your head? Teddy was trying to help us out, and you blew him off! What gives?
Moe : We'll help ourselves out.
Larry : Well, what about the orphanage? Teddy's dad has dough, maybe he would have given us the 800,000 bucks.
Moe : We don't need handouts from that chump; we told those kids we'd come up with the cash, and that's just what we are going to do.
Larry : Yeah, how?
Moe : Well... we still got that seed money, don't we?
Curly : Seed money?
Moe : The cash Mother Superior gave us.
[Moe reaches into his shoe and pulls out the seed money]
Moe : This 72 bucks is our ticket to riches.
Curly : Riches? Woo-woo, woo-woo. How do you figure?
Moe : Well, it's seed money, right? What do you do with seeds?
Larry : Spit 'em out.
[Moe slaps Larry]
Larry : Ow!
Moe : You plant them. We'll become farmers.
Larry : Farmers? I always wanted to be a farmer.To the farm!
Curly : To the farm!
Moe : To the farm!
Larry , Moe , Curly : [Larry plays the kazoo as the Stooges sing] A farming we will go! A farming we will go, a farming we will go
Curly : Woo-hoo!
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Larry : ["Turkey in the Straw" plays in the background; a sign reads "Rolling Gills, The Kings of Farm Raised Sammin"] Here's a little drink for you, Elsie.
Larry : [Larry holds a watering can over the salmon] Jonesy, you gotta hold still in order to get a drink. Hello, Maritza, you're getting your color back.
Curly : [Curly steps on a salmon to shoo the flies away] Ralphie don't look so good.
Moe : Poor guy's drying out.
Curly : Oh, good for you, Ralphie. Realizing there's a problem is half the battle, heh-heh.
Larry : Hey look, our first customer.
Curly : Woo-woo-woo.
Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson : What are you doing?
Moe : Only selling the finest farm-raised salmon in the county, that's all.
Curly : Yeah, they're all free-range; no nets, no cages. They can go wherever they want.
Larry : Plus we have smoked salmon.
[Larry holds up a salmon with a cigar in its mouth]
Curly : Oh.
Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson : But this is a golf course!
Larry : So what? We let 'em play through.
Curly : What's your beef?
Moe : Yeah, we're trying to save an orphanage. Look, are you here to buy fish, or are you just kicking the tires?
Larry : [a police car pulls up] Hey, do your job. Cart path only.
Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson : I'll cart path you, you little -
[Moe pokes Lamson in the eyes]
Larry , Curly , Moe : Nyah-ah-ahh!
Curly : Woo-woo-woo, woo-woo!
[the Stooges run away]
Moe : It's the five-o, scram!
Officer Mycroft : You again!
Larry , Curly , Moe : Nyah-ah-ahh!
[the Stooges run off with a windmill, then throw it to the ground as they run away]
Larry : Oh, my back.
[the Stooges run through a hole in the hedge]
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Moe : [riding on Curly's back and dangling a carrot in front of him] Yah! Yah mule! Yah!
Moe : [the Stooges run into an alley] Whoa, whoa!
Moe : [Curly snorts like a horse] Easy, Seabiscuit, easy!
Larry : [pulls repeatedly on a locked door] We're trapped like rats!
Moe : Speak for yourself, rodent.
[pushes Larry aside]
Moe : We're going to need a battering ram.
[Moe and Larry look at Curly]
Officer Mycroft : You go that way, I'll go this way!
[Officers Mycroft and Armstrong split up]
Officer Armstrong : Okay!
[Armstrong wheezes as he chases the Stooges on foot]
Moe , Larry : [Moe and Larry use Curly as a battering ram against the door] Heave-ho! Heave-ho!
Curly : Oh oh, fellas, ease up, you're squeezing my ankles too tight!
Moe : Quit your whining.
[Curly groans from the pain as the Stooges break through the metal door]
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Larry : Stop it! Stop in, Moe! I've had it with you! You're the cause of all our problems since day one.
Moe : How do you figure?
Larry : You should have gone and lived with Teddy's folks back when they wanted to adopt you!
Curly : Yeah, that way you could have come back and and helped us all out.
Larry : But no, the great and powerful Moe is too lazy to squeegee the pool.
Moe : Ah, you don't know what you're talking about.
Larry : Oh no? Why do you think we never got another shot at getting adopted again? Because when you messed it up that day, you messed it up for all of us!
Moe : Look, if you two got ants in your pants, then why don't you just leave? I'm getting sick and tired of looking at your monkey faces anyhow! Being with you two is like dragging around a couple of boat anchors!
[Larry and Curly quietly gasp to themselves]
Curly : Well, fine. Then... Good-bye, Moe.
Larry : Yeah... good-bye.
Moe : Well, what are you waitin' for? Go on, scram! I bet you two earthworms won't last a day without me!
[Curly grunts in annoyance, Larry picks up a clump of hair, and they both walk out]
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Moe's Hip Executive : [the audience says "Bravo!" as the stage lights reveal the audience portion of the studio, with Moe unaware that he was taking part in an audition after Larry and Curly have just left] Brilliant, just brilliant! What an original way to showcase your personality by putting on a skit!
Executive : Very smart!
Moe : Huh?
Moe's Hip Executive : That is exactly what we're looking for! Someone who's not afraid of confrontation, who's passionate about his opinions, right or wrong.
Executive : That's what America craves!
Moe : What are you flappin' about?
Executive : Oh, he's beautiful!
Moe's Hip Executive : Congratulations, sir; You are the newest cast member of the world's number-one rated reality show!
[the audience applauds, Moe gasps with surprise]
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Mother Superior : [sees the Stooges beating up Monsignor Ratliffe and chases them away] Get off of him! Off, off! Oh, I'm so sorry! Oopsie-daisy! Oh, oh, I'm so sorry! What are you doing?
Larry : We caught this lounge lizard getting all handsy with the nuns!
Mother Superior : This is no lounge lizard! He's here on official business.
Curly : Official business? Why didn't you say so?
Larry : [the Stooges take off their work uniforms, with boxer shorts, white shirts and bowties underneath; they clap and snap their fingers in rhythm] Pick me, I'll clip your hedges!
Moe : I'll hedge your clippers.
Curly : I'll fetch your slippers.
Moe : I'll scrub the stench right off them dentures!
Monsignor Ratliffe : You idiots!
[Msgr. Ratliffe slaps all three of them at once]
Monsignor Ratliffe : I'm not here to adopt!
Mother Superior : This is Monsignor Ratliffe from the diocese.
Moe : Oh, sorry about that, Señor Ratlips.
-
Moe : Boy, what a hothead.
Larry : Women!
Moe : Wait a second, with her hubby laid out in the hospital nursing them tire tracks, it'll be easy pickings to slide a pillow over the poor schlump's face and give him the surprise sendoff he wanted!
Larry : Good thinking! We'll be doing the guy a favor and making enough money to save the orphanage! It's like killing two birds with one pillow!
Moe : It's colossal!
Larry : It's stupendous!
Curly : It's even mediocre!
Curly : [Moe honks Curly's nose] Ow!
Moe : Say ah.
Curly : Ahh...
Larry , Curly : [Moe grabs Curly by the lip and Larry by the nose] Nyah-ah-ahh!
Moe : Come on!
-
Curly : [the Stooges have just entered a room] Oh, that was a close one.
Moe : What is that? What's with the light?
Larry : I got a better question: Why didn't we go live with Teddy when we had the chance? Now we got no Teddy, no seed money, no nothing.
Curly : Yeah, shame on you, Moe. You put your pride ahead of them kids.
Moe : How dare you accuse me of having pride?
Curly : Mm-mm.
Moe : Back off.
Curly : I won't.
Moe : Okay kid, you got me. You know, I'm proud of you for finally standing up for yourself. Let's shake on it.
[Moe shakes Curly's hand]
Curly : Oh.
Moe : There you go.
[Moe shoves Curly away]
Moe : Get out of here!
Moe : [to Larry] This is all your fault!
Larry : Me?
Curly : Oh, oh!
[Curly rebounds from hitting a steel pillar and knocks Moe over from behind]
Moe : You start with a - Oh, sneaking up on me, eh?
[Moe slaps Larry and Curly]
Moe : And you! Get over here!
[Moe pulls Larry's hair, then hits Curly in the gut and then over the head with his two fists]
Curly : Ohh, ohh!
Moe : What's the matter with you? Whoa, whoa!
[Larry pokes Moe in the eyes,knocking him backwards over Curly and into a steel pillar]
Moe : Why you - !
[Moe picks up a block-and tackle cargo hook and aims for Curly's head]
Curly : Moe, not that! Anything but that! Nyah-ahh-ahh!
[the hook misses Curly and hits Larry in the head]
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Larry : Guys, we've been at this for days now, and all I got is a hole in my shoe.
Moe : [Larry lifts his foot to reveal a hole in his shoe's sole, which is worn out] Aw, the kid's right, there must be a better way to make a living. Come on, think!
Curly : [Final Jeopardy think music plays in the background as the Stooges pace around while Curly hums, then gasps] No, no...
Curly : [Curly resumes humming, then snaps his fingers; then he goes to the sidewalk and starts spinning about on his side as if he was break-dancing] Woo! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Woo-woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo!
Larry : Look, he's on to something!
Moe : Spit it out, tiger!
Curly : [Curly rubs his butt on the sidewalk] I can't, it's stuck! Jar it loose, Moe!
Curly : [Moe hits Curly on the back of his neck] What about a job where you could sleep all day, meet beautiful babes at night, and make millions for doing absolutely nothing?
Moe : Oh boy, that's genius! So, what's the job?
Curly : That is the job!
Moe : Oh that - And who's going to pay you?
Curly : The boss!
Larry : You know, it's just crazy enough to work!
Moe : Why you...!
[Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]
Curly : Ohh!
Moe : And you! Ow!
[Moe tries to poke Larry, but he ends up hitting Larry's sandwich board sign, Larry laughs]
Moe : Come on in here!
[Moe knocks Larry's and Curly's heads together]
Curly : Oh, oh, oh! Oh look, Moe, I think we got a customer!
-
Curly : Oh, oh look Moe, I think we got a customer!
[the theme from "Perry Mason" plays in the background]
Larry : Whoa, would you look at those getaway sticks!
Curly : Rowf, rowf, rowf!
[Curly pants like a dog]
Moe : Spread out!
Moe : [Lydia approaches] I'm the foreman here, what can we do for you?
Lydia : I'll pay you $830,000 for a job that won't take you more than 10 minutes.
Curly : Oh, we'll take it. Who do we have to murder?
Lydia : [the Stooges chuckle] My husband.
Larry , Curly , Moe : Nyah-aah-aah!
[Curly's teeth chatter nervously]
Moe : Sorry lady, you came to the wrong place; we're working stiffs, not common crooks!
Lydia : But you don't understand, you will be doing him a great service.
Larry : Says who?
Mac : [Mac gets out of the car] Says me.
Moe : Who are you?
Mac : I'm her husband.
[Mac kisses Lydia]
Larry : Wait a minute, you mean to tell me she's planning your funeral, and you're okay with it?
Mac : Well, I know it all sounds a bit peculiar...
Curly : No no no, that doesn't sound peculiar, this sounds peculiar.
[Curly puts his hands to his head and shakes it around, chuckles]
Mac : [Mac groans as if he's in pain] Ow!
Lydia : My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Mac : Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. Pain increasing daily... till I lapse into an irreversible coma.
Curly : I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".
[Larry and Curly laugh]
Moe : [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?
Curly : Yeah.
Curly : [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!
-
[Foster the People's "Waste" plays throughout the montage; Larry and Curly watch Moe on "Jersey Shore" on a TV in an electronics store window]
Moe : [on "Jersey Shore"] Is that what you think? Shut up!
[Moe slaps Ronnie]
The Situation : Hey, yo!
[Moe slaps The Situation]
Moe : You, too! Here's another one!
[Moe slaps Ronnie]
Moe : [Moe sits down next to Snooki, who is reading a book] Hiya, Snook, I got you a present.
Snooki : Really? For me?
Moe : Yeah, go on, open it.
Snooki : [Snooki opens the box, and then Moe delivers a finger poke to her eyes when she discovers the box is empty] Ow!
Moe : [Moe laughs, with Curly and Larry chuckling at Moe's antics; the scene changes to Larry and Curly sleeping in a dumpster, with Curly dreaming about dancing around in a field of bubbles with Moe and Larry; the scene shifts back to Moe on the set of "Jersey Shore"] Why, you...!
Moe : [Moe slaps the side of Ronnie's face and his forehead, then he slaps The Situation's face] There you go!
Moe : [the "Jersey Shore" producers watch with delight, as Larry and Curly laugh at Moe's antics; Moe waves his hand up and down in front of JWoww's face] Why, you...
[Moe lowers his hand to the table, and quickly waves his hand up and down in JWoww's face, making a rhythmic bonking sound; Larry and Curly continue to watch Moe]
Moe : [Moe holds his fist in front of Ronnie; he hits Moe's fist, which curves upward and hits Ronnie on the head] You see that?
The Situation : [Ronnie tries to imitate Moe, only for Moe to knock Ronnie's fist back into his own face] You see that?
Moe : [Moe breaks a pool cue stick on The Situation] Business!
The Situation : Oh!
JWoww : [Moe laughs while he holds a hot curling iron on JWoww's tongue] Umph! Umph!
Moe : [Moe hits The Situation on the nose, then slaps him on the chin] Why, you...!
Moe : [Larry and Curly continue laughing at Moe's antics as Moe breaks a microwave oven over Ronnie's head, and sets the timer; Ronnie's eyes bulge out of their sockets as the electricity flows] Why, you...!
-
Sammi : Now look: either you kick Moe off the show, or we're suing him!
Snooki : Like, with a lawyer!
Moe's Hip Executive : Court sounds okay to me.
Moe's Hip Executive : [to his assistant] You know, we could probably do a cross-promotion with Lockup.
Snooki : Great, just great. So basically, what you're saying is this whole show is about the ratings?
Moe's Hip Executive : Uh, yeah.
Ronnie , The Situation : Ohhh!
[Ronnie, The Situation and the other cast members groan in annoyance]
Sammi : Unbelievable.
Moe : [pointing to Snooki's "Guinness" hat] Look, just 'cause she's wearing a "genius" hat, doesn't mean she is one.
-
Ronnie : How's that Whynatte?
The Situation : This is, like, my fourth or fifth.
Sammi : What happened last night?
The Situation : What kind of flavor? I like coffee, too.
Moe : Hey, I'm heading out to 7-Eleven, anyone up for some gummy worms?
JWoww : Yeah, maybe if they were soaked in vodka. By the way, why are you even on our show? You look like a stretched-out meatball.
The Situation : [laughter] Did not Moe tell you that he's using our little program as a launching pad to make a lot of paper to save homeless orphan babies?
Ronnie : Good luck, this guy can't even buy the right kind of grated cheese. I asked for Romano, not Parmesan, you mook.
Moe : Oh, you don't like that cheese.
Ronnie : No.
Moe : Well, let's see what we can do about that.
[Moe picks up the cheese grater]
Ronnie : What are you doing?
Teddy : [watching "Jersey Shore" from his bedroom with Lydia] Oh boy, here we go.
Moe : [Moe rubs the cheese grater on Ronnie's foot] How about some aged cheddar, tough guy? Come on!
Ronnie : Ow! What, are you crazy? That's assault!
Moe : Here's your pepper. Shut up!
[Moe slaps Ronnie]
The Situation : My man!
Moe : Who asked you, muscle-head!
[Moe quickly finger-pokes The Situation's eyes]
Sammi : Moe, you just can't go around hitting people!
Moe : Oh, no? Well, can I do this?
[Moe plucks Sammi's nasal hairs out of her nostril]
Sammi : Hmm, rare bouquet.
JWoww : Are you kidding me? Who does this?
-
Moe : [the Stooges hitch a ride by hanging on to the rear bumper of Lydia's car, then they get off as they arrive at Teddy's mansion] Hey, do you smell garbage burning?
Moe , Curly , Larry : [the Stooges look down and see that their shoe soles have been worn down and smoking from dragging on the ground; they start rapidly stamping to put out the fumes] Nyah-ah-aah!
Lydia : [gasps] What are you doing here?
Moe : We want the dough-re-mi you owe us, lady.
Curly : Yeah, 830,000 bucks.
Larry : Plus meals.
Carbunkle : May I have a moment, ma'am?
Lydia : Excuse me, gentlemen.
[Lydia goes aside to talk with Carbuncle]
Moe : Mind your P's and Q's.
Curly : But don't forget to dot the I's.
Moe : Certainly.
[Moe finger-pokes Curly in the eyes; Larry chuckles, and puts his hand up sideways to block Moe's eye poke attempt]
Larry : Nyahhh.
[Larry sticks his tongue out at Moe, who hits him on the forehead with his fist]
Larry : Ugh, ooh!
Carbunkle : [to Lydia] I'm afraid I have unfortunate news: I've just received word that Mr. Miosky was struck by a bus.
Lydia : Oh no, so Mac is dead?
Carbunkle : No.
Lydia : No? Are you sure?
Carbunkle : Oh, yes. He's still alive, but he's in bad shape. Your husband is in contact with the hospital. He said he'd call with any news.
Lydia : Thank you, Carbunkle.
[Carbunkle goes back inside]
Larry : Come on blondie, pay up. A deal's a deal!
[Lydia slaps all three Stooges with one stroke]
Lydia : Our deal was that you would get paid when my husband died, and on that count, you have failed miserably.
Moe : You mean he's still kicking?
Lydia : That's right, you idiots. You have ruined my life, now get out of here!
[Lydia knocks all three Stooges over the wall and onto the outside lawn]
-
Carbunkle : [checking the guest list] Madam... madam... Sir, madam.
Moe , Larry , Curly : [the Stooges ride up to Teddy's mansion on a skateboard towed by a pack of large, white poodles, the tow rope slips out Moe's hand, and they knock Carbuncle into a flower bed] Nyah-ah-aah!
Carbunkle : Oh no, whoa!
Curly : Ohh, ohh.
Moe : What happened? Now we got to...
Moe : [the Stooges dust themselves off by slapping the dirt off each other's backs; Moe turns around, and Larry accidentally slaps him in the face, Moe grunts] Urgh-urgh-urgh! What's the matter with you? You had the rudder, don't you know how to drive?
Larry : It just went out of control. What kind of poodles are those anyway?
Moe : Standard.
Larry : Well, there's your problem, I can't drive a standard.
[Moe groans at the "standard drive" pun]
Carbunkle : You blithering idiots! What do you think you're doing?
Moe : Out of the way, Threepio, we got to get Teddy.
Carbunkle : [Carbunkle pushes the Stooges, who happen to be in a single-file line, back like dominoes] This is an invitation-only party! Now, good day!
-
Curly : Great, now what are we gonna do?
Maid : [to the party security guard] Here, send those balloon men in as soon as they get here.
Party Security : Will do.
Moe : [Moe snaps his fingers] That's our cue, boys. Come on!
Moe : [the Stooges carry several bunches of balloons] Balloon men coming through.
Larry : Out of our way, these things are heavy.
Moe : [the guard opens the gate; Moe hands him a balloon] There you go, crusher.
-
Mac : [after the Stooges have just agreed to Lydia's shady business proposal for $830,000] Thank you! Now, here's what we were thinking.
Mac : I'd like you to sneak into our bedroom in the middle of the night and smother me while I'm sleeping.
Moe , Larry , Curly : Yes, yes?
Mac : But, do not turn on the lights.
Moe , Larry , Curly : No, no, no.
Moe : Wait a minute, why don't you want the lights on?
Mac : Well, I want it to be a surprise.
Moe : Oh, I get it. You don't want to see it coming, eh?
Mac : Bingo.
Larry : Hey look, it's the guy from that thing all the kids are talking about!
Larry : [Curly belly-bumps Mac into the path of a city bus; Mac gets knocked several blocks ahead where a street sweeper runs over him] Whoa, whoa! Help, help, help, help, help, help! Help, help, help...!
Moe : [a kid jumps on Mac with his pogo stick, bouncing on his stomach, then the arrow Larry shot from the bow lands in Mac's right thigh; Mac faints] That settles that.
Moe , Larry , Curly : [the Stooges take turns shaking each other's hands] Success, success, success. Success, success, suceess. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Lydia : [furiously] What did you do? That was not the plan!
Moe : What are you yakking about? He just said he didn't want to see it coming!
Larry : Hey, hey, you look like you could use a grief massage.
Lydia : Huh?
Larry : Let it go, let it go, try to live in the now.
Lydia : [Lydia frustrately pushes Larry away] Get off me!
Larry : [Lydia gets into her car and drives away] Too soon?
-
Ronnie : How's that Whynatte?
The Situation : This is, like, my fourth or fifth.
Sammi : What happened last night?
The Situation : What kind of flavor? I like coffee, too.
Moe : Hey, I'm heading out to 7-Eleven, anyone up for some gummy worms?
JWoww : Yeah, maybe if they were soaked in vodka. By the way, why are you even on our show? You look like a stretched-out meatball.
[laughter]
The Situation : Did not Moe tell you that he's using our little program as a launching pad to make a lot of paper to save homeless orphan babies?
Ronnie : Good luck, this guy can't even buy the right kind of grated cheese. I asked for Romano, not Parmesan, you mook.
Moe : Oh, you don't like that cheese.
Ronnie : No.
Moe : Well, let's see what we can do about that.
[Moe picks up the cheese grater]
Ronnie : What are you doing?
Teddy : [watching "Jersey Shore" from his bedroom with Lydia] Oh boy, here we go.
Moe : [Moe rubs the cheese grater on Ronnie's foot] How about some aged cheddar, tough guy? Come on!
Ronnie : Ow! What, are you crazy? That's assault!
Moe : Here's your pepper, shut up!
[Moe slaps Ronnie]
The Situation : My man!
Moe : [Moe finger-pokes The Situation in the eyes] Who asked you, muscle-head!
Sammi : Moe, you just can't go around hitting people!
Moe : Oh, no? Well, can I do this?
[Moe plucks Sammi's nasal hairs out of her nostril]
Sammi : Ow!
Moe : Hmm, rare bouquet.
JWoww : Are you kidding me? Who does this?
-
Moe : [looking at the boarded-up orphanage] Well, we sure botched this one pretty good.
Larry : [with tears in his eyes] What else is new? I wonder what happened to Murph and Peeze and the rest of the gang.
Curly : [sniffles] I sure do miss those guys.
Curly : [distant laughter] Why, it's almost like I can hear the sweet childhood sounds of laughter and swimming and tennis.
Moe : [with tears] I know what you mean.
Moe : [Moe does a double-take reaction] Wait a minute! We didn't have swimming and tennis!
Curly : And we didn't have laughter!
Larry : Hey fellas, look!
[One orphan boy releases a clay pigeon skeet-shooting target and says "Pull!" the other shoots it and says "Yes!"; the Stooges go off to investigate]
-
Curly : [Curly sees Sister Bernice in a swimsuit on lifeguard duty] Sister Bernice?
Moe : Nyah-aah!
Sister Mary-Mengele : [Two orphans are diving off the board into the pool; Sister Mary-Mengele blows her whistle] That's it! I told you one at a time on that board! You all just lost your diving privileges for the rest of the day! The party's over, you little water weasels!
Moe : What's going on here?
Sister Mary-Mengele : [Mary-Mengele sees the Stooges] Oh, crud.
Moe : Hiya, Sister.
Sister Mary-Mengele : [annoyed] Oh, hello, morons.
-
Murph : Hey!
[Murph runs up to the Stooges with her fellow orphans]
Murph : Moe, Larry, Curly!
Moe : Hey, guys!
Moe , Curly , Larry : How are you guys? Hey, what's going on? Oh boy, did we miss you guys!
Murph : Welcome home, guys!
Larry : You look great, Murph!
Peezer : That's 'cause she's not sick any more!
Murph : Turns out I just had some form of metal poisoning.
Larry : Nobody listens to me; I told you there's too much iron in the water.
-
Moe : [Moe and Curly have just come from a hospital dressing room disguised as nurses; Larry is wearing a doctor's lab coat] That the best you can do? You're scaring the customers.
Curly : I'm sorry, I didn't bring my false eyelashes.
Larry : [Moe tears part of Larry's eyebrows from his forehead] Owww! Hey! What's the big idea?
Moe : Mind your business.
Curly : [Moe applies the eyebrows he tore off Larry's forehead to Curly's eyes] No, Moe - what are you - Ooh, ooh!
Moe : [Curly grunts as Moe affixes the eyebrows] Hold still. There you go, there.
Curly : Oh...
[Curly chuckles]
Curly : Hmm, hmm.
Moe : Now go on over to that information desk and find out where the hubby's room is, hurry.
Larry : [Larry imitates a crooner by singing into the stethoscope] Buh-ba-ba-boo, buh-ba-ba-boo, buh-ba-ba-boo, ba-ba-ba...
Moe : Let me see that, ohh...
[Moe hits the part of the stethoscope used for listening to heartbeats with a rubber doctor's mallet, Larry hears a loud, reverberating thud in the stethoscope's earpieces]
Larry : Owww!
Curly : [disguised as a nurse] Excuse me, dreamsicle, that patient that got hit with a bus, what room is he in?
Orderly : That would be 386.
Curly : Okay, thank you.
Orderly : [the orderly takes Curly's wrist] Say, I haven't noticed you around here before. I like curvy woman.
Curly : [Curly giggles, holding a hand fan] Oh, I bet you say that to all the gals.
Orderly : What do you say, me and you go out Saturday night, grab some falafel and couple of pops? Huh?
Curly : [Curly giggles] Why wait, when you can have a pop right now?
[Curly slaps the orderly, leaving him with an amorous, love-smitten smile on his face]
-
Larry : Look, Moe, we owe you an apology.
Moe : No, fellas, I'm the one who owes you the apology. I know sometimes I tend to fly off the handle and...
Larry : No, you don't.
Moe : Yes, I do.
Curly : No, it's just that you get a little upset and...
Moe : [Moe flicks Larry and Curly on their noses, and then he slaps Larry and Curly] Shut up when I'm apologizing!
Larry : We don't have time for that! Teddy's in a jam!
Curly : Yeah, you know that woman who wanted us to take out her husband?
[Curly gasps and hisses]
Curly : She's married to Teddy!
Moe : No wonder she wanted us to smother him in his sleep!
Curly : Yeah.
Moe : I knew I smelled a...
Snooki , JWoww , Sammi : A rat! A rat! Eek!
Moe : [Moe picks up Nippy, Curly's pet rat] That's no rat, it's Nippy! How you doing, buddy? Aw, I missed you too, Nips.
Larry : Come on, we got work to do. We got to get to Teddy before his wife does.
Moe : Come on.
Curly : [Curly chuckles, and rhythmically snaps his fingers] Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Rrowff!
Moe : Come on, Romeo!
[Moe pulls Curly out of the studio by his ear]
Moe's Hip Executive : Are you kidding me? There's three of them?
-
Mac : [Curly giggles and laughs ticklishly] What's so funny, butter-bean?
Curly : Nothing, Nippy's whiskers are tickling me.
Lydia : Who's Nippy?
Curly : Him.
[Curly takes Nippy, the Stooges' pet rat, out of his coat; Mr. Harter and Lydia scream with terror]
Lydia : [Nippy gets stuck in Lydia's cleavage] Take it out!
Mac : [Mac makes a hard left turn; the Harters' car falls into a nearby lake, Lydia screams] Open the door! Shoot the window out!
Mr. Harter : [Mr. Harter pulls the gun out] No, it's wet!
Lydia : Why would you let the gun get wet?
[the car's computerized navigation system says: "When possible, make a legal U-turn."]
Lydia : [Everyone gasps for air] How long will the air last?
Mr. Harter : Maybe... five minutes, if we stay calm.
Larry : Oh, we got to break a window.
Teddy : It's impossible: There's a thousand pounds of water pressing against that glass.
Mac : Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?
[Bubbles occur near Curly as a result of indigestion; everyone groans at the stench]
Curly : I'm sorry, I guess the "pesto-bismol" didn't help with the lobster.
Moe : [angrily] Did you eat the shells again?
Curly : I don't know; it was on the plate, and then it wasn't.
Moe : Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?
Larry : No... All I got are these stupid, easy-light, waterproof safety matches.
Moe : Why you...
[Moe bonks Larry on the head]
Larry : Ow!
Moe : Gimme that! Everybody close your eyes!
[Moe strikes a match on Curly's face]
Curly : Maybe that's not such a -
[the explosion blows the car up, and everyone escapes to the lake's surface]
-
Teddy : [Teddy walks in with Ling] Hey everybody!
Moe : Oh, hey Teddy!
Larry : Hi, Teddy!
Mother Superior : Gather round, everyone! I have an announcement to make. Teddy and his fianceé, Ling, have just discovered that our Lord and Savior has left her barren, so they have decided to adopt!
Moe , Curly , Larry : [the Stooges tear off their suits, with shorts, white shirts, and bowties underneath; they snap their fingers in rhythm] Hoi! Hoi! Hoi, hoi, hoi, hoi!
Moe : Spread out, pick me! I promise I'll go this time without any fuss!
Mother Superior : Oh, I'm sorry, boys, but they've already decided who they're adopting.
Teddy : [approaches Murph and Peezer] So how about it, Murph? Will you be a part of our family?
Murph : Are you serious, dude? Me? And you're not even getting paid?
[Murph looks over at a sad Peezer]
Murph : Oh... I'm sorry, mister, your offer is very nice and all, but... I think you better pick someone else.
Peezer : It's okay, Murph... you should go. This is your big break.
Murph : [Murph hugs Peezer] Not a chance, kid, not without you.
Teddy : Well, I guess we'll just have to take all three of you.
Murph : What three? I was just talking about me and Peez.
Teddy : Well, yeah, of course, but there's also the kid that we just sprang from the foster home across town.
Weezer : [Sister Rosemary and Weezer appear] Peezer!
Peezer : Weezer!
[the Stooges and orphans laugh joyfully, followed by the orphans screaming "Yay!"]
Mother Superior : Pack your bags, you three, it's time to go home. Three cheers for the boys. Hip-hip, hooray!
[the orphans join in the cheer]
Sister Mary-Mengele : [mutters to herself] Oh, please.
Mother Superior : [with the orphans] Hip-hip, hooray! Hip-hip, hooray!
Moe : Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once!
Curly : Oh, you said it, mm-hmm.
[Curly leans on the diving board with Sister Mary-Mengele standing underneath it; it hits her on the head and knocks her into the pool]
Curly : Ooh-hoo, oh, oh, oh!
Moe , Curly , Larry : Nyah-aah-aah!
Sister Mary-Mengele : [gasping] I'm going to mash your heads, like potatoes!
Moe , Curly , Larry : Nyah-aah-aah, nyah-aah-aah!
[the Stooges run away, jumping on three trampolines near the hedge, each landing on a horse and riding away]
Curly : Woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo!
