The Three Stooges (2012)
Jane Lynch: Mother Superior
Photos
Quotes
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Mother Superior : Like Moses in the desert, I believe the Lord will guide them. Because they're pure of heart.
Sister Mary-Mengele : And dim of wit.
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Mother Superior : [after Larry & Curly walk into Murph's room] I'm sorry, boys. Murph is very ill.
Larry : Why isn't she in a hospital?
Mother Superior : Well...
Sister Mary-Mengele : I'll tell you why. Because we don't have any medical insurance.
Larry : Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.
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Young Moe : [Moe musically chants barbershop-quartet style] Hello,
Young Moe , Young Larry : [Larry joins Moe in chanting] Hello,
Young Moe , Young Larry , Young Curly : [Curly joins Larry and Moe as they chant together] Hello.
Young Moe , Young Larry , Young Curly : [spoken] Hello!
Mrs. Harter : [Mrs. Harter giggles; the young Stooges accidentally bump their heads together] How precious!
Sister Rosemary : Yes, I certainly don't envy you having to choose between such amazing children.
Young Larry : The choice is easy! I'm your guy!
[Larry starts tap dancing]
Mrs. Harter : That is so cute!
Mr. Harter : Absolutely adorable.
Mr. Harter : [to Mother Superior] How long's he got?
Mother Superior : Hmm?
Mr. Harter : He's taking chemo, right?
Mother Superior : No no no, he's healthy as a mule.
Sister Rosemary : And almost as smart.
Young Moe : Recede, Bojangles.
[Moe pulls Larry back by his hair]
Young Moe : Pick me, I make the best potato peel and eggshell smoothies in town.
[Mr. Harter chuckles nervously]
Young Curly : If you choose me, I'll let you play with my pet rat, Nippy! I even taught him a few tricks!
Mother Superior : Oh, boys and their rodents.
[Mother Superior chuckles]
Young Teddy : [Teddy enters the room] Mother Superior, may I have a glass of milk, please?
Mrs. Harter : Oh, who's this?
Young Teddy : Hi, my name's Teddy, and someday, I'm gonna have a puppy.
Mrs. Harter : Oh my God, he's wonderful.
Mr. Harter : I thought you said there were only the three.
Sister Rosemary : I never said that, I said "about three".
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Terrified Nun : It's not my turn, get somebody else.
Mother Superior : Sister Ricarda, how about you? Will you please go tell the boys to come down for lunch?
Sister Ricarda : Uh, I would, Mother Superior, I swear I would, but the doctor told me to steer clear of them for a couple of weeks. on account of my nerves.
Mother Superior : How about you, Sister Rosemary?
Sister Rosemary : Oh yeah, just like the army? Put the black folks on the front line? Uh-uh. What about Sister Mary-Mengele? She knows how to handle them.
Mother Superior : Oh, poor thing, she has a toothache, so she went to lie down.
Sister Rosemary : You mean she's asleep? Where are the boys?
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Mother Superior : Boys, where have you been? We've been looking for you everywhere.
Moe : Well, I guess we just didn't have the nerve to come back and tell you... we failed.
Mother Superior : Oh, you didn't fail. Look at our new home.
Moe : [surprisedly] New home? Who paid for all this?
Peezer : You did!
Moe : Huh?
Moe's Hip Executive : The kid's right. The money's coming out of your pocket.
Moe : Sorry slick, but we don't have that kind of dough!
Moe's Hip Executive : Oh, you will. See, the network has taken the liberty of paying off the orphanage's debts and building the new complex. Think of it as an advance. All you got to do is sign right here, boys, and you three will be the stars of our next big reality show: "Nuns vs. Nitwits". What do you say?
Moe : Oh, gee!
Curly : I always wanted to be a nun! Mmm...
Mother Superior : Oh, and by the way, the Jersey Shore kids pitched in for the down payment.
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Young Moe : [looking into Mary-Mengele's mouth] Huh, I haven't seen a case like this in years.
Young Curly : And would you look at all that metal in her mouth?
Young Larry : Must be too much iron in the water.
Young Moe : Don't you worry, Sis, you're in good hands. We'll have that bum tooth out in no time.
Sister Mary-Mengele : [moans] No.
Young Moe : Anesthetic.
Young Larry : Anesthetic!
Young Curly : Anesthetic!
Young Moe : [Curly picks up a croquet mallet] 15 millgrams. Give!
Young Curly : Five, ten, fifteen! Nyuk, nyuk.
Mother Superior : [Curly hits Mary-Mengele on the head with the croquet mallet, she goes unconscious; Mother Superior knocks on the door] Boys?
Young Moe , Young Curly , Young Larry : Nyuh-uh-uh!
Mother Superior : Open up, please.
Young Moe : It's the head penguin, boxcar seven on three. Break; one, two, three.
Mother Superior : [the Stooges flip the rotating table, revealing a dinner table underneath] I said, open this door!
Mother Superior : [Mother Superior opens Mary-Mengele's office door; Larry plays the violin off-key, Curlypaints a picture, Moe reads a book] What are you three up to?
Young Larry : Just dabbling in the arts.
Young Curly : Indubitably.
Mother Superior : Oh. Well, lunch is ready.
Young Moe , Young Curly , Young Larry : Oh boy, eats! Woo-woo-woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo!
[Moe, Larry and Curly run down to the dining hall]
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Mother Superior : [sees the Stooges beating up Monsignor Ratliffe and chases them away] Get off of him! Off, off! Oh, I'm so sorry! Oopsie-daisy! Oh, oh, I'm so sorry! What are you doing?
Larry : We caught this lounge lizard getting all handsy with the nuns!
Mother Superior : This is no lounge lizard! He's here on official business.
Curly : Official business? Why didn't you say so?
Larry : [the Stooges take off their work uniforms, with boxer shorts, white shirts and bowties underneath; they clap and snap their fingers in rhythm] Pick me, I'll clip your hedges!
Moe : I'll hedge your clippers.
Curly : I'll fetch your slippers.
Moe : I'll scrub the stench right off them dentures!
Monsignor Ratliffe : You idiots!
[Msgr. Ratliffe slaps all three of them at once]
Monsignor Ratliffe : I'm not here to adopt!
Mother Superior : This is Monsignor Ratliffe from the diocese.
Moe : Oh, sorry about that, Señor Ratlips.
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Larry : [Larry and Curly enter the orphanage] Hello?
Curly : Anybody home?
[a TV commercial voice can be heard: "Hi, I'm Al Cerrone. Four-wheel drive SUVs just like this, with a gas saving, six-cylinder engine, only $19,995; and pickups, automatic and air, only $16,000. My promise is you'll be..."]
Larry : Sister Ricarda.
Sister Ricarda : Boys, what are you doing here?
Curly : We've been looking everywhere for Moe. Have you seen him?
Sister Ricarda : Yeah, I - I see him almost every night on TV. He's on that Jersey... beach people show.
Sister Ricarda : [Larry and Curly look at each other with surprise] You didn't know? Moe's a big celebrity now.
Curly : Oh... good for him.
Larry : Yeah... looks like he didn't need us after all... So, what happened here? Where are all the kids?
Sister Ricarda : Well, they're closing us down on Monday, so... we had to start moving everyone out.
Larry : But we told you to wait! We were gonna get the money!
Sister Ricarda : You got the money?
Curly : We got the money?
Larry : Well... no... but we're working on it.
Curly , Sister Ricarda : Oh. Oh.
Peezer : Well, at least you tried.
[Larry and Curly chuckle, Larry gives Peezer a high five]
Larry : Thank God you're still here!
Peezer : They tried to shoo me out, but I told them I wasn't leaving without her.
Curly : Without who?
[Larry, Curly, and Peezer go into the next room where Mother Superior is praying at Murph's bedside]
Curly : Murph?
Mother Superior : I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.
Larry : Why isn't she in a hospital?
Mother Superior : Well...
Sister Mary-Mengele : [Mary-Mengele interrupts Mother Superior] I'll tell you why... Because we don't have any medical insurance.
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Mrs. Harter : I hope you'll forgive us for coming early; we just couldn't stand to wait another day.
Mother Superior : Oh, we understand, Mrs. Harter. This is a great surprise. We have three delightful youngsters for you to meet.
Mr. Harter : Three? 'Cause we were under the impression there were more than that.
Sister Rosemary : Nope, that's it, just the three. Children, get on in here, Mr. and Mrs. Harter don't have all day.
Young Moe : [Moe musically chants barbershop-quartet style] Hello,
Young Moe , Young Larry : [Larry joins Moe in chanting] Hello,
Young Moe , Young Larry , Young Curly : [Curly joins Larry and Moe as they chant together] Hello.
Young Moe , Young Larry , Young Curly : [spoken] Hello!
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Curly : [Curly, Larry, and Peezer enter a room, where Murph is on a sick bed, and Mother Superior is praying at her bedside] Murph?
Mother Superior : I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.
Larry : Why isn't she in a hospital?
Mother Superior : [Peezer hops on Murph's bed] Well...
Sister Mary-Mengele : I'll tell you why: because we don't have any medical insurance.
Larry : Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.
Curly : Yeah.
Sister Mary-Mengele : Okay, that's it. I've had it with you! Do you want to know why we have no medical insurance? It's because you wombats have caused so many accidents over the years, there's not a company on this earth who'll cover us until we pay the $830,000 we owe for previous claims, and that's why we're being closed down!
Mother Superior : That's enough, Sister.
Curly : Wait, wh - You mean the orphanage is closing... because of us?
Sister Mary-Mengele : [Mother Superior nods sadly] Check it out: Larry, Curly, you're responsible for that!
Sister Mary-Mengele : [Larry and Curly look at Murph lying on her sickbed, with Peezer at her side] You are, and that other moron!
Sister Mary-Mengele : [a beep is heard, Larry and Curly think it's a flatline monitor] Oh, sorry, excuse me.
Sister Mary-Mengele : [the beep is revealed to be Mary-Mengele's cell phone, which she answers] Yes? No, no, I want it with custard, not whipped cream. I ordered an éclair, not a Twinkie!
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Teddy : [Teddy walks in with Ling] Hey everybody!
Moe : Oh, hey Teddy!
Larry : Hi, Teddy!
Mother Superior : Gather round, everyone! I have an announcement to make. Teddy and his fianceé, Ling, have just discovered that our Lord and Savior has left her barren, so they have decided to adopt!
Moe , Curly , Larry : [the Stooges tear off their suits, with shorts, white shirts, and bowties underneath; they snap their fingers in rhythm] Hoi! Hoi! Hoi, hoi, hoi, hoi!
Moe : Spread out, pick me! I promise I'll go this time without any fuss!
Mother Superior : Oh, I'm sorry, boys, but they've already decided who they're adopting.
Teddy : [approaches Murph and Peezer] So how about it, Murph? Will you be a part of our family?
Murph : Are you serious, dude? Me? And you're not even getting paid?
[Murph looks over at a sad Peezer]
Murph : Oh... I'm sorry, mister, your offer is very nice and all, but... I think you better pick someone else.
Peezer : It's okay, Murph... you should go. This is your big break.
Murph : [Murph hugs Peezer] Not a chance, kid, not without you.
Teddy : Well, I guess we'll just have to take all three of you.
Murph : What three? I was just talking about me and Peez.
Teddy : Well, yeah, of course, but there's also the kid that we just sprang from the foster home across town.
Weezer : [Sister Rosemary and Weezer appear] Peezer!
Peezer : Weezer!
[the Stooges and orphans laugh joyfully, followed by the orphans screaming "Yay!"]
Mother Superior : Pack your bags, you three, it's time to go home. Three cheers for the boys. Hip-hip, hooray!
[the orphans join in the cheer]
Sister Mary-Mengele : [mutters to herself] Oh, please.
Mother Superior : [with the orphans] Hip-hip, hooray! Hip-hip, hooray!
Moe : Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once!
Curly : Oh, you said it, mm-hmm.
[Curly leans on the diving board with Sister Mary-Mengele standing underneath it; it hits her on the head and knocks her into the pool]
Curly : Ooh-hoo, oh, oh, oh!
Moe , Curly , Larry : Nyah-aah-aah!
Sister Mary-Mengele : [gasping] I'm going to mash your heads, like potatoes!
Moe , Curly , Larry : Nyah-aah-aah, nyah-aah-aah!
[the Stooges run away, jumping on three trampolines near the hedge, each landing on a horse and riding away]
Curly : Woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo!
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Sister Mary-Mengele : [walks into room] That's it. I quit.
Mother Superior : What?
Sister Mary-Mengele : It's too dangerous living around here with those three boys. I need a safer working environment.
Mother Superior : But, where would you go?
Sister Mary-Mengele : Don't worry about me. I got a cousin who hauls traps on one of those Alaskan crab boats. One of the crew fell off and got eaten by sharks. He's gonna slide me right into that slot.
Sister Ricarda : You think they got room for one more?
