The Pink Panther (2006)

Kevin Kline: Dreyfus

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Ah. Clouseau. Yes, well, the first time I ever heard that name... Clouseau was just a little nobody. A police officer in some little village far outside of Paris. He was the village idiot as far as I could tell.

• Palais Reporter : What about the diamond? What about the Pink Panther?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Yes, Uh, thank you, Inspector Clouseau for carrying out my orders. Hand over the diamond, Yuri.

  Yuri : What do I care about your stinking diamond?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : He does not have the diamond.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : [skeptically]  The murderer does not have the diamond?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : No.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : [mockingly]  Well, then, where is it, Inspector Clouseau?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : It is there! In her purse!

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Let me see.

  [He searches Xania's purse but finds nothing] 

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Sorry, Clouseau, no diamond.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [He takes out a Swiss Army knife, and opens the miniature scissors]  The purse, please.

  [He uses the mini-scissors to cut into the purse's inner lining] 

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Could you hold that, please?

  [He hands the Swiss Army knife to Dreyfus, and takes the Pink Panther ring out of Xania's purse] 

  Xania : After Gluant came to me, he said he decided to stop cheating on me. Then he asked me to marry him... and put the ring in my hands. After he was killed, I thought if I came forward with the ring, everyone would think I did it.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : If Gluant gave you the ring before he died, then according to Civil Statute 812-914B, you are the rightful owner. You may keep the Pink Panther.

  Ponton : But Inspector, how did you know she had it?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : It was simple, Ponton. I was looking at a photo of myself at the checkpoint. Something caught my eye: Xania's purse passing through the X-ray machine. I enlarged the photo... and in it... the Pink Panther. The case is closed!

  [the crowd cheers and applauds] 

• Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Chief Inspector, I can't thank you enough for giving me the opportunity to solve the Pink Panther murder. Without your decision to put me on the case, who knows, someone else might have won the Medal of Honor this year.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Yes, I know.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : I owe it all to you, chief inspector. Without you, I would be nothing.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Perhaps you still are.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Ah! Excellent verbal joust, Inspector.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : [the corner of Dreyfus's coat gets caught in the car door as Clouseau closes it]  You idiot!

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Oh, no.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Hit it, Ponton.

  [Ponton drives away with Dreyfus being dragged on the road] 

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : No! Clouseau! Stop the car. Deer--

  [the rest of Dreyfus's conversation goes unheard] 

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : What?

  Ponton : Nothing.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : You didn't say: "Stop the car. Dear God, I beg of you, stop the car"?

  Ponton : No.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Hmm...

• Chief Inspector Dreyfus : I had been invited, as chief Inspector of the Police Nationale. And because of my recent nomination for the Medal of Honor. I have been nominated seven times. I have never won. But still, seven nominations... that's something.

• Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Clouseau! Arrest him.

  [Clouseau is running after Ponton] 

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Which one is he?

  [Clouseau falls off banister] 

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : That would be him.

• Deputy Chief Renard : And who is this incompetent?

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Oh, I think I know the perfect man for the job. Find him and bring him to Paris. His name is Clouseau.

• Chief Inspector Dreyfus : As Chief Inspector of the Police Nationale, I hear many stories of our officers in the field; Clouseau generated many, many stories.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [Clouseau forces a door open, to find a dog lying in a basket; the dog whimpers]  You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquette!

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [Clouseau forces a door open, to discover a baby in a playpen; the baby coos]  You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquette!

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [Clouseau forces a door open, to discover that Pierre Fuquette is alive and well]  You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquette!

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [Clouseau does a double-take]  Pierre Fuquette? The case is closed!

• Chief Inspector Dreyfus : [on the telephone]  Don't ask why, just do it. You have the flight number. He leaves tomorrow out of JFK. He'll be easy to spot. He's got white hair, a thin mustache, brimming with self-confidence, and completely lost.

• Chief Inspector Dreyfus : [sarcastically]  Well, this is a glorious day for France.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : How so, chief inspector?

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Because a stupid idiot named Clouseau is going to be stripped of his rank while I take over his case.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : You have a second man named Clouseau?

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : [mutters softly]  My God. Leave us alone for a moment. You, out. Go, go. Go. I must have a private word with Inspector Clouseau.

  [Everyone, except for Renard and Ponton leaves the room] 

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Understand something, Clouseau. When I made you an inspector, it was not because I thought you had any value as a detective. It was because I thought you were the stupidest policeman in all of France. A hopeless, deluded idiot.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Then I was not promoted for my merits?

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : I only made you inspector because I needed someone who would quietly get nowhere until I was ready to take over the case myself.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : I was trying to catch a killer.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : You were trying-- You were trying to become a hero. Well, you will be stripped of your rank, ridiculed by the media, and I will be done with you. And now if you will excuse me, ex-Inspector, I must go and prepare for the arrest which will win me the Medal of Honor, catapult me to the National Assembly, and after that, who knows? Goodbye, Clouseau.

  Deputy Chief Renard : Shall we lock him up?

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Look at him. He is finished. Let him go home to obscurity.

  [He and Renard leave the room] 

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : [He looks at Ponton with disappointment]  You knew?

• Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Gentlemen, and lady, good morning. Meet Dr. Li How Pang.

  [points at surveillance photos of Dr. Pang and Yves Gluant] 

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : He was, of course, in the VIP box when Gluant was killed. Coincidentally, Dr. Pang would send Gluant large sums of money. Presumably, Gluant was to invest these sums on Pang's behalf. But being a compulsive gambler, Gluant took the money and gambled it all away. So Pang had the the motive. He had the opportunity. Pang is in France for the president's ball tonight. We will arrest him for the murder of Yves Gluant.

  Justice Minister Clochard : Bravo, chief inspector.

• Chief Inspector Dreyfus : [heard on television from Clouseau's apartment]  I am pleased to announce that I am personally taking over the Pink Panther investigation and that an arrest is imminent. Thank you.

  Palais Reporter : Chief Inspector, the coroner has announced that Bizu was killed with a perfect shot to the occipital lobe. Any comments?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : The occipital lobe?

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : It's irrelevant.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : The occipital lobe.

  [he sits down at his desktop computer,and observes his arrest at the airport, remarking with a sarcastic tone] 

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Oh, well that makes me feel good.

  [notices something on his computer screen] 

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Zoom.

  [gasps in surprise] 

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Of course.

  [calls Ponton on his cell phone] 

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Ponton, I need you over here immediately. We are back on the case.

  [calls Nicole on his cell phone] 

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Nicole, I believe Bizu and Gluant were both killed by the same person. And that the killer will strike again tonight. I want you to meet me at the presidential palace. And bring me my vinyl bag marked "presidential palace." And hurry! Xania is in grave danger.

• Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [His leg accidentally touches the bed's wheel lock, and it starts to roll away]  You know, Ponton.

  Ponton : Yes, Inspector.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : This is a very hard time for Inspector Dreyfus. It is important that we show compassion. And we must use the gentle healing power of laughter.

  [Dreyfus groans as his bed rolls into the hospital corridor and down a staircase. The Pink Panther theme starts playing. Doctors, nurses, and medical staff start panicking and shrieking as Dreyfus's bed continues to roll away] 

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : This is going to hurt.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : [Dreyfus and his bed fly through a window and into the River Seine]  Clouseau!

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Ooh. That breeze feels good.

• Inspector Jacques Clouseau : In the name of the statutes and laws of the great nation of France, I arrest you for the murder of Yves Gluant. Yuri, the trainer who trains.

  [Clouseau unmasks Yuri; the guests gasp] 

  Palais Reporter : And who are you?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [Clouseau unmasks himself]  I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

  Yuri : Gluant was nothing! I drew up the plays. He takes credit for brilliant French defense which I gave him and treats me like I'm dead. Okay, fine. Now he is dead from Chinese poison.

  [the crowd gasps in shock] 

  Ponton : Inspector, what made you think it was him?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : But, Ponton, think back. You were there.

  [Flashback to Ms. Yu's interrogation] 

  Yu : [in subtitled Chinese]  Why do you bother me? Why did you bring me down here? I'm busy. The soccer coach was killed with Chinese poison. You should look for soccer trainers. They are required to have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : She was right, of course. According to Statute 87223, every trainer of the National soccer team must have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [Flashback to Yves Gluant's murder]  This made it easy for him to murder Gluant.

  Palais Reporter : And Bizu?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Simple. Bizu had often heard Yuri's rants against Gluant. So Bizu blackmailed Yuri and got himself killed.

  Bizu : [Flashback to Bizu's murder]  Oh, it's you.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : A stunning shot to the head burrowing deeply into the occipital lobe.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : But Yuri is a soccer trainer. That shot was made by an expert marksman.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : But Chief Inspector, I'm sure you're familiar with Russian Army statute 611.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Well, of course.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau , Chief Inspector Dreyfus : All members must be expert marksmen...

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Expert marksmen.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau , Chief Inspector Dreyfus : ...and understand the location of the occipital...

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Occipital lobe, of course.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Yes.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Very true.

• Chief Inspector Dreyfus : By the end of regulation time the score was tied and the game went into - sudden death.

• Chief Inspector Dreyfus : In front of a stadium filled with people, Gluant collapsed, *dead*. A poison dart in his neck. And the Pink Panther diamond - had disappeared.

• Chief Inspector Dreyfus : The coach of the French team, Yves Gluant, came out for his customary ovation. He raised his fist to the crowd. On it: the Pink Panther diamond. It was quite the symbol of pride and victory for the French team.

• Chief Inspector Dreyfus : It was a perfect day for a murder. France against China, with the winner advancing to the finals.

• Chief Inspector Dreyfus : There. The Chinese VIP box, right on the edge of the kill zone. The poison was Chinese. Was Gluant ever in China?

  Agent Corbeille : Three years ago, he took a group of French stars there for some exhibition games.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Gluant was in China, the poison is from China, the Chinese are from China. It may be too early to say for certain, but I think our killer is Chinese.

• Inspector Jacques Clouseau : The case is going quite well. I have prepared a list of suspects.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Ah! And how many suspects do you have?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Twenty-seven thousand six hundred eighty-three.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : It's just a matter of time now, isn't it? Have you eliminated any suspects?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Yes. One.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : One? And who would that be?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Gluant.

  Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Gluant is the victim.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Excellent, inspector. We think alike.