Bad News Bears (2005)
Billy Bob Thornton: Morris Buttermaker
Photos
Quotes
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Morris Buttermaker : Baseball's hard, guys. I mean, it really is. You can love it but, believe me, it don't always love you back. It's kind of like dating a German chick, you know?
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Morris Buttermaker : You guys swing like Helen Keller at a Piñata party.
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Morris Buttermaker : [watching girls play softball] You know, in my life I thought I'd never say, "Look at the ass on that second baseman." But look at the ass on that second baseman.
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[Morris Buttermaker steps out of Liz Whitewood's bedroom in the morning]
Toby Whitewood : Mr. Buttermaker?
Morris Buttermaker : What do you say, Whitewood?
Toby Whitewood : What are doing here?
Morris Buttermaker : Listen, kid. I... there's something... that you need to do, and that's oil your mitt all the time. So I came by to check and make sure you oil your mitt.
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Morris Buttermaker : Is that a baggy full of bacon?
Mike Engelberg : I'm on Atkins!
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Morris Buttermaker : Now, my old coach used to say a tie is like kissing your sister, but the way we've been playing, it's more like kissing a really hot stepsister.
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Morris Buttermaker : I struck out Mike Schmidt in an exhibition game. Struck his ass right out.
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Liz Whitewood : I have been thinking a lot about you.
Morris Buttermaker : I have that effect on women.
Liz Whitewood : Really...
Morris Buttermaker : Yeah. Well, I haven't paid for sex in years. I think a lot of it has to do with getting older and... you know, being more distinguished.
Liz Whitewood : I was thinking more along the lines of the dangerous type. What you hear about the bad boy, the sexy scumbag, the serial killer who gets married in prison. I have never felt like that. Until I met you.
Morris Buttermaker : Well, thanks.
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Woman : Sorry the stuff's so ratty, but this is a six-team league, and I'm afraid your boys are getting the
[looking at Toby]
Woman : S-H-l-T end of the stick.
Morris Buttermaker : [to Toby] Yeah, I can spell "shit", alright. Does she think I'm 11?
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Morris Buttermaker : [after the team tells him that they took a vote on not playing] THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY! It's a dictatorship and I'm Hitler! Now get your stuff and get your asses out on the field!
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Morris Buttermaker : [convincing the kids to wear their protective cups] If you get hurt, they can sue my ass so hard, they'll start garnishing my turds.
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Morris Buttermaker : [reading names off roster] Daragebrigadian? Is that Aztec?
Garo Daragebrigadian : No, Armenian.
Morris Buttermaker : Well, they both built pyramids.
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Morris Buttermaker : Okay, Engelberg, this is a screwball. It's an old school thing. You gotta stand in there because it looks like it's gonna hit you, but it drops off the table.
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Morris Buttermaker : It's 3 o'clock. I gotta go.
Lady With Rat Problem : What about the rats?
Morris Buttermaker : Well, one thing is for damn sure, you got a shit load of rats down there.
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[after having the kids use cans of pesticide that had a warning against carcinogen]
Morris Buttermaker : Hey, Hooper, what are you doing with that patch on your eye? Playing Pirate? Come to swab the deck, matey?
Matthew Hooper : Mother says I have cancer of the eye.
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Morris Buttermaker : Hey, Hooper, you wanna put that thing in fourth gear and get over here already?
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Morris Buttermaker : You with me?
Matthew Hooper : Like I said, we took a vote.
Morris Buttermaker : This is not a democracy! It is a dictatorship, and I'm Hitler!
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Morris Buttermaker : [as he's yelling at the ump] What are you on? 'Cause I want some!
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[to his team after losing the first game of the season]
Morris Buttermaker : You guys look like the last shit I took.
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Morris Buttermaker : Nice tits, Engelberg.
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Morris Buttermaker : [telling the kid's about the protective cups they have to wear] Also, you'll want to write your names on them because that's how you get Crabs. And trust me, you don't want to spend your Sunday afternoon picking through your pumpkin patch with a little comb.
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Morris Buttermaker : Come on guys, remember what I told you, there's no "I" in team
Matthew Hooper : Yea, but there's an "M" and an "E".
Tanner Boyle : THERE SHOULD BE AN "F" AND A "U"!
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Garo Daragebrigadian : [holding two cans of pesticide] Hey Coach, what's carcinogen mean?
Morris Buttermaker : Liberal propaganda. Don't worry about it. It's just bullshit.
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Morris Buttermaker : [after hitting Ahmad with a pitch] It's all right, kid. You had a helmet on. Imagine if you didn't. You know what I'm saying?
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Amanda Whurlitzer : Man, you must have a big one because I don't know what else my mom saw in you.
Morris Buttermaker : You're not supposed to be talking about my... my one. You're 12 years old. As far as you know, I'm like G.I. Joe down there, okay?
Amanda Whurlitzer : I have the Internet, you know. I'm not stupid.
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[after her daughter tells him she's going "out" with a boy]
Morris Buttermaker : You're 12. There ain't no out when you're 12.
Amanda Whurlitzer : Calm down, "Boilermaker". It's just a show with some stupid band. I'm not a little girl anymore. I had my period, alright?
Morris Buttermaker : Do you want me to have a stroke or something?
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Morris Buttermaker : I've been disappointed before.
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Morris Buttermaker : Ain't no doubt about it lady. You got a shitload of rats down there.
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Morris Buttermaker : Listen, kid, you don't want to go to Salt Lake, trust me. They don't even like Africans up there.
Garo Daragebrigadian : Armenian
Morris Buttermaker : Yeah, right.
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Morris Buttermaker : Who the hell are you? Shoeless Joe walking on the holy corn field?