Casanova (2005)

David Tennant: Casanova

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Quotes 

• [Casanova enters the confessional and crosses himself] 

  Giacomo Casanova : Bless me father, for I have sinned. Again. Um, I don't know where to start, um. It's money, father, er, love of money is a sin, isn't it?

  Priest : A grave sin.

  Giacomo Casanova : I, I don't love it as such, but I need it, is that a sin?

  Priest : In too great a measure then, yes.

  Giacomo Casanova : It's not for me. You see, there's this woman, um, and I suppose you can include lustful thoughts while you're at it...

  [the priest nods] 

  Giacomo Casanova : Er, there's this woman, but she's engaged, and all this went on behind her fiancé's back. Um, not literally.

  [remembering] 

  Giacomo Casanova : Although I have actually done that... But anyway, um, first of all I was with another woman, and I slept with her, sorry, er, well, I slept with her lots of times so, very sorry. Um, but before that she was a man. I was going to sleep with a man, sorry. But it turned out she had a false penis down her trousers.

  [the Priest clutches at his heart] 

  Giacomo Casanova : So, I slept with her, without the false penis obviously, um,

  [dreamily] 

  Giacomo Casanova : although we did find a way of using it... But never mind that. You see, I, I was just trying to be honest, like the sisters told me, um. Oh yeah, two sisters. I slept with them, both at the same time, er, er, lots of times, I suppose I should, I should mention that.

  Priest : [clutching at his heart]  Oh dear God!

  Giacomo Casanova : I know, I know, but at least I didn't sleep with their mother.

  [Remembering] 

  Giacomo Casanova : Although I have actually done that, um, I suppose you should put that on the list. Two sisters, and a mother, and... oh and those nuns... two nuns, you might know them.

  [the Priest keels over] 

  Giacomo Casanova : So, all in all, it's been a bit of a time, really, and I've ended up penniless. So, what do you think I should do, father?

  [Silence] 

  Giacomo Casanova : Father? Father?

• Grimani : I have considerable influence within the English court, I can demand an audience with King George the second himself. So go on, try your tricks, and you will fail, I'll see to that.

  Giacomo Casanova : You're just dying to kiss me.

• Giacomo Casanova : Do you know what 'Casanova' means in the original Latin?

  Bellino : No.

  Giacomo Casanova : It means 'lucky bastard'.

• Giacomo Casanova : Never lose your heart, Jack. Never let them take it.

• Giacomo Casanova : You're with the wrong man.

  Henriette : I know.

  Giacomo Casanova : You still haven't said... do you love me?

  Henriette : Yes... yes. Completely. But I need him.

  Giacomo Casanova : [on the verge of tears]  Then, thank you for tonight.

  Henriette : [nods]  Thank you for the dance.

• Giacomo Casanova : Now you see the puzzle is, if I were married to Henriette, and separated by hundreds of miles, I'd do anything to be with her. To hell with the job, I'd resign, I'd walk barefoot. Yet you seem decidedly static, why is that? I don't suppose you're having problems? In the marital bed, perhaps? Dare I suggest on your side of the bed. Bit of trouble with the old...

  [whistles] 

  Giacomo Casanova : If you need advice, I'm very good.

  Grimani : How could you possibly advise me? You're a con-man, I'm an ambassador. I have a wife, you have whores. I have children, you have a bastard.

  Giacomo Casanova : Look, if you want a measuring contest I'll drop my pants right now and I'll win.

  Grimani : You talk like a pervert.

  Giacomo Casanova : No, I'm just not scared of what's down there, that's all. Tell me, is cock fighting illegal in this country? 'Cause that's what this is.

  Grimani : You sound more in love with men than women.

  Giacomo Casanova : Men I understand. I know what men think about, all day long. Those stupid little inches, driving you mad every waking hour. I know exactly what's going on in your head. Is it big? Is it big enough? Is it hard enough, will it work every time on demand; cause that's the only thing, that is the only bastard question - am I any good in bed? Is every other man better than me? Is every other man bigger and faster and slower and longer and deeper and harder - what am I doing wrong? How do I find out, cause no one ever talks about it, no one ever says. How can I ever find out what I'm doing wrong?

  [pause] 

  Giacomo Casanova : Ask me.

• Giacomo Casanova : As they say in these parts, 'ta'.

• Grimani : My marriage is none of your business.

  Giacomo Casanova : And yet I think of nothing else.

  Grimani : And that is your curse.

• Henriette : The man of parts.

  Giacomo Casanova : Many parts.

  Henriette : Is that how you win over the ladies? Cheap innuendo?

  Giacomo Casanova : No, you just make all my best lines rubbish.

• Giacomo Casanova : That's my name, people call me Jack. Can't we change his name?

  Rocco : No.

  Giacomo Casanova : Lorenzo, or Caesar, Marco, Stefano, Giovanni... Alison?

  Rocco : No.

• Giacomo Casanova : I wonder if he's an idiot. I talk and talk and he gives nothing back.

  Rocco : Well, maybe if it wasn't all about you...

  Giacomo Casanova : Well I don't know anyone else.

• [Grimani meets Casanova at a second party] 

  Grimani : Oh, it's that man again.

  Giacomo Casanova : Are you following me? People'll talk.

• Rocco : Morning. You look like shit.

  Giacomo Casanova : What? I look like you?

  Rocco : Watch your lip.

• French Nobleman : Wait a minute! Did you say Casanova? The man who escaped from prison? Climbed over the roof?

  Giacomo Casanova : That's me.

  French Nobleman : Oh, sweet lord! You're famous!

• Giacomo Casanova : This blessed plot, this sceptred isle, this England. What do you think?

  Rocco : Bloody freezing.

  Giacomo Casanova : Yeah that's one thing, what else? Jack - anything? Anything, Jack? Then pay attention both of you, English lesson. The currency's different here, they spend guinea's. Scratching in public is forbidden, that's for you Rocko. But not that - look over there, observe.

  Rocco : That's disgusting.

  Giacomo Casanova : Uh, that's England. They don't piss in doorways like we do, they do it right out in the open.

  Rocco : These English are crazy.

  Giacomo Casanova : And the food tastes different. I'm told the milk is terrible. Oh! And a lot of the men are homosexual... that might have something to do with the milk... might not.

• [Bellino, a woman dressed as a man, removes a fake penis from her trousers] 

  Giacomo Casanova : Now, mine doesn't do that...

• Giacomo Casanova : Why the disguise?

  Bellino : I was penniless.

  Giacomo Casanova : I've been penniless, I didn't change sex. Well... there was one night, but I was VERY drunk...

• Giacomo Casanova : It's practically the distillation of my life so far - I've become famous simply for being outrageous.

  Rocco : And you can make a living out of that?

  Giacomo Casanova : Rule Brittania!

• Prisoner : You'll be a fugitive. You'll be exhalt from Venice for the rest of your life.

  Giacomo Casanova : I'll come back.

• Grimani : Giacomo Casanova. I arrest you in the name of the great Council of Venice for offences against the Government and Church.

  Henriette : Jack!

  Giacomo Casanova : Henriette!

• Grimani : I challenge you.

  Giacomo Casanova : Alright! I accept!

• Giacomo Casanova : Why are you doing this?

  Grimani : You've dishonored my name.