Failure to Launch (2006)

Sarah Jessica Parker: Paula

Photos 

Quotes 

• Paula : Hey-hey.

  Kit : Hey... Paula... Good news. It's Champagne Thursday.

  Paula : It's Friday.

  Kit : Uh, yeah, Thursday came twice this week.

  Paula : Huh... for the third straight week.

  Kit : There's talk of making it permanent.

  Paula : Oh, kind of like Daylight Saving's Time?

  Kit : Right, but for booze.

• Tripp : Do you have real feelings?

  Paula : Of course I have real feelings!

  Tripp : For what?

  Paula : For you! And believe me, I did not want that because I had a good life before you. Well, not good... but... it was okay. Well, it... it was empty, actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Whereas now... because of you... I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that.

• Kit : Shut up, you whore!

  Paula : [sipping champagne]  Oh, I'm sorry. Was I sipping too loudly for you?

  Kit : No, you're not sipping too loudly. It's that goddamn bird outside my goddamn window! What the hell kind of devil-bird chirps at night?

• Kit : I smell something. D'you smell something?

  Paula : Oh! Oh, Tripp and I had crab today.

  Kit : No, that's not it. I smell... fun.

  Paula : What?

  Kit : You are a dirty little fun-haver.

• Paula : Do you know I have a contract? I-I-I have... I have fiduciary responsibilities to uphold.

  Kit : From a fiduciary standpoint, would you say that you had an orgasm?

  [Paula gasps] 

• Tripp : [has just agreed to go out to lunch with her the next day]  Hey, wait - tomorrow's Saturday.

  Paula : [perplexed]  ... Sometimes I eat on Saturday.

• Paula : I'm Paula.

  Tripp : I'm Tripp.

  Paula : You know, usually I don't sleep with someone on the first date.

  Tripp : I don't think this counts as a first date.

  Paula : It would be a date if you asked me to have a drink tonight.

  Tripp : Mmm. You wanna have a drink tonight?

  Paula : Mmm. Can't. How about lunch tomorrow?

  Tripp : Sure. Wait. Tomorrow's Saturday.

  Paula : [perplexed]  Sometimes I eat on Saturday.

• Paula : So, you live with your parents.

  Tripp : Mm-hm. Z'hat a problem?

  Paula : No. Not for me.

• Jeffrey : My teacher Miss Kramer has a girlfriend.

  Paula : Oh, that's nice.

  Jeffrey : She's a lesbian.

• Tripp : All right, assuming that pretending to own a yacht was a brilliant, romantic yet ultimately flawed idea, how do you see the rest of the day playing out?

  Paula : I don't know. I'm so hungry, I can't think. Seagulls ate my lunch.

  Tripp : What if I took you to a restaurant?

  Paula : Are you gonna pretend to own it?

  Tripp : No. All the restaurants I own are in Europe.

• Paula : [of "her" supposedly dying dog]  What's his real name, anyway?

  Veterinarian : I don't know. I just clean their teeth and chop their balls off.

  [the dog whimpers] 

• Kit : [inquiring after Tripp's buddies]  The tall one's kinda cute. What's he do?

  Paula : Oh, he's some kind of software writer. He works out of his basement, but he makes a lot of money. Oh, you know what? No, that's the little guy. The tall one just got fired from Kinko's.

  Kit : [mockingly]  How will I choose?

• Paula : Look, many young men who should be able to move out simply can't. It's called "failure to launch," and that's where I come in. Young men develop self-esteem best during a romantic relationship, so I simulate one: We have a memorable meeting, we get to know each other over a few casual meals, he helps me through an emotional crisis, then I meet his friends - if he has any - uh, then I let him teach me something; but, the bottom line is, he bonds with me, he lets go of you, he moves out.

  Al : But how do you make sure that he'll fall in love with you?

  Paula : You look nice, you find out what they like, and then you pretend to like it, too.

  Sue : That is pretty much how it works.

  Al : What about sex?

  Paula : Al, I never have sex with a client. Besides, I need to keep Tripp motivated, and let's face it, after men have sex...

  Sue : Is there anything that we need to do?

  Paula : Well, for starters, you could make life a little more difficult for him. You know, uh, more chores, more responsibilities, that kind of thing.

  Sue : I just think you should know that Tripp has had some rough breaks.

  Paula : I promise you, when this is over, Tripp is going to be an independant, self-sufficient adult.

• Paula : Come on, Tripp. Please, you... you don't understand.

  Tripp : You're right. Now, hold on. I don't know what your daily rate is, but that's everything I've got in my wallet.

  [handing over $300 to Paula] 

  Tripp : There's three hundred dollars.

  Paula : Oh, come on, Tripp!

  Tripp : It should be good for tonight, especially since we didn't have sex.

  Paula : Please, Tripp, let me just explain to you.

  Tripp : Get the fuck outta my car.

• Kit : Yeah, everyone from work went to T.G.I. Friday's, but I don't really like that place, or anyone I work with.

  Paula : Oh, good, so then we can stay in and watch one of those drinking movies you like.

  Kit : [sarcastically]  Yeah.

• Paula : Nothing like the threat of decapitation to make it a little more interesting.

• Kit : [finding out that Paula has set her up with Ace]  No.

  Paula : It's just coffee. You don't have to marry him.

  Kit : First of all, that's the geeky computer guy. It's bad enough I have to go out with a loser who still lives with his mom, but you led me to believe that it was the handsome minimum-wage slacker.

  Paula : No, I don't... I don't think that I did that.

• Tripp : So what do we do now?

  Paula : Actually, it's... it's quite simple. You just have to decide. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having fun or do you want to spend it with me?

  Tripp : Hmm...

  Paula : Shut up! Not everything you say is perfect.

  Tripp : We can have a LITTLE bit of fun, can't we? Huh?

• Tripp : What do you do for a living?

  Paula : I teach special needs kids.

  [talking, effectively, about him] 

• Paula : [about Ace's room in his mother's house]  Wow! This is fantastic.

  Kit : Yah, it's pretty great.

  Paula : Wow.

  Kit : At this point we're just waiting for his mother to kick it so we can move upstairs.

  Paula : That is a lovely sentiment.

• Kit : Okay, look. I know I'm a girl and I'm supposed to be better at this emotional crap. But I'm not, so I'm just going to say it. I'm sorry that I pointed out to you that you fell in love with a client and that made you go crazy and turn into a total bitch.

  Paula : [after a long pause]  Wow. That must have been really hard for you to say.

  Kit : I thought it was going to be but I just kind of breezed right through it.

• [Paula pretends to be the girlfriend of one of her clients, as they sit in a coffee shop] 

  Paula : Hey, I mean, come on. Look at you. You're smart, you're attractive, you love the original "Star Wars" trilogy because it's all about storytelling, and myth, before C.G.I. ruined everything. I mean, come on. What girl wouldn't want to be with you?

  Techie Guy : A shocking number, actually.

  Paula : Well, you know what? It's their loss. You show me a guy who loves Empire and I'll show you a guy who's not afraid of his imagination. Like when Luke gets to the cave and he asks Yoda what's in there and Yoda says...

  Techie Guy : [imitating Yoda's voice with Star Wars music playing in the background]  ... Only what you take with you.

  Paula : But he goes in anyway, because he's not afraid of his own mind!

  Techie Guy : He's walking the path of the Jedi, that's why.

  Paula : That's you! You're Luke!

• Paula : Based on the initial personality assessment, I think that I can have your son moved out of this house and living on his own by June fifteenth.

  Al : Hallelujah!

• Tripp : Take it you like Japanese food?

  Paula : Oh, I love it. I'm also gonna order huge dessert, drink too much, and maybe talk about my old boyfriends.

  Tripp : Yeah?

  Paula : Does that intimidate you?

  Tripp : Not at all.

• Paula : I had a nice time.

  Tripp : I did, too.

  Paula : Good.

  Tripp : I had fun.

  Paula : Good.

  Kit : [screaming at the bird outside]  SHUT UP! SHUT UP, YOU CRAZY BASTARD BIRD!

  Paula : Hey, Kit.

  Kit : What? Hi. Can you guys see me?

  Paula : Yeah.

  Tripp : Yeah.

  Kit : Oh, great.

  Tripp : What?

  Paula : Dinner and a show.

  [kisses him] 

  Paula : Good night.

  Tripp : Good night.

• Paula : [about the dog]  He saved my life, you know.

  Veterinarian : He did?

  Paula : And now I can't do anything for him, and I...

• Paula : I'm so glad you're here.

  Tripp : Yeah, of course I am.

  [about her dog] 

  Paula : Um, can I have a minute alone with him? Thank you.

  Tripp : I'll be right outside.

  Paula : Okay.

  [Tripp leaves] 

  Paula : [to the Vet]  Ah, thanks, Gretchen.

  Veterinarian : Anytime.

  Paula : Oh, gosh, Emotional Crisis Day is so critical. I cry, he cries. It totally bonds us. So how long do you think he's going to sleep for?

• Paula : So do it. Buy a crummy old boat. Who cares, as long as you're out there.

  Tripp : Well, I'm working on it. Thing is, you gotta be ready. I mean, it's a big commitment. And if you're not ready, you just end up, well, a lonely guy with a big boat payment.

  Paula : Who says you have to be lonely?

• Paula : [to Kit]  Oh, Tripp is just cruising through the steps. In fact, I think tomorrow I'm gonna let him teach me something.

• Paula : [at the end of a paintball game, she shoots an opponent who's been trash-talking to her throughout the game]  Who's laughing now?

• Sue : I don't know what to tell ya, honey, but, uh, that strict program o' yours?

  Paula : Mm-hm.

  Sue : You're gonna have to start deviating. He's breaking up with you.

  Paula : What?

  Sue : The only reason he ever brings girls home to meet us is 'cause he's gettin' ready to dump 'em.

  Paula : Really? Well, that's not happening.

• Paula : Oh, my God. I am the worst person in the world.

  Kit : Oh, hey, you're home. Great.

  Paula : I have to break up with Tripp. I'm... I'm terminating my contract, and... I can't do it.