Numb3rs (2005–2010)

Judd Hirsch: Alan Eppes

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Eppes : Old man?

  Charlie Eppes : I use it strictly as a term of endearment, Father.

  Alan Eppes : Well, get ready, my little boy, 'cause this old man is gonna kick your ass.

  Charlie Eppes : What are ya gonna do? You gonna cheat again?

  Alan Eppes : I'm getting the Scrabble board.

  [Alan walks away and Charlie has a terrified look on his face] 

  Charlie Eppes : Uh. uh... Th... Scrabble's missing a piece!

• Charlie Eppes : [Larry has been waxing philosophical]  Is that the kind of stuff you talk about with Megan at lunch?

  Don Eppes : [Don and Dad are surprised; Larry looks at Charlie, who grins mischievously]  Wait, ho-ho-hold on. You and Megan went out to lunch?

  Alan Eppes : Oh, please tell me you ordered something other than white food.

  [the Eppes men laugh] 

  Dr. Larry Fleinhardt : [trying to maintain some dignity]  This was a meal shared by two inquisitive minds in an intellectual pursuit.

  Charlie Eppes : [grinning bigger]  Of course it was, like all your lunches with David. Oh, and with Colby.

  Dr. Larry Fleinhardt : [matter-of-factly]  A gamma ray burst will release more energy in ten seconds than the sun will emit in its entire ten-billion-year lifespan.

  Don Eppes : I got it, what's the Hulk's real name?

  Charlie Eppes : Um, Bruce Banner.

  Don Eppes : That's right. I mean, didn't gamma rays turn him into the Hulk?

  Dr. Larry Fleinhardt : [still matter-of-factly]  They come from the furthest ends of the universe, and after 45 years, we're still uncertain of their origin.

  [turns to leave] 

  Alan Eppes : And?

  Dr. Larry Fleinhardt : [pointedly matter-of-fact]  And we're closer to an answer on *that* than the three of you are ever going to get on *this*.

  [smirks slightly, and closes the door behind him] 

• Don Eppes : I guess I was inspired by Mr. Heisenberg, just like Charlie here suggested.

  Alan Eppes : Heisenberg? What do you mean, the physicist?

  Don Eppes : Yeah.

  Alan Eppes : Oh. Your brother goes into a dangerous confrontation with heavily armed felons, and you prepare him with a lecture on the movement of subatomic particles?

  Charlie Eppes : Yep. It worked, didn't it?

• Alan Eppes : You know, Don and Charlie, they graduated high school on the same day.

  Terry Lake : Thank you. Don's mentioned it. A few times.

  Alan Eppes : Kind of puts an edge on that sibling rivalry thing, you know.

  Terry Lake : I'm sure it does. Having a kid like Charlie had to put some unusual pressure on the family. How old was he when you first realized he was exceptional?

  Alan Eppes : He was three when he multiplied four-digit numbers in his head. By the age of four, he needed special teachers, special classes. My wife - I mean, his mother and I, we put a lot of time into his education. It was Don who was the one who had to get used to taking care of himself.

  Terry Lake : Well, he might have gotten used to it, but I'm not sure he's as good at it as he thinks he is.

  Alan Eppes : Well, it's hard for him to ask anyone for help. And it's really hard for him to ask Charlie.

• Don Eppes : Hey, Dad. What are you doing here?

  Alan Eppes : Well, I-I like coming whenever Charlie gives one of these math-for-dummies lectures. It's the only time I actually understand what he's talking about.

• Alan Eppes : Aren't you going to introduce me to your girlfriend?

  Charlie Eppes : You've met her before, she's not my girlfriend, I'm her thesis advisor.

  Alan Eppes : Does that mean she can't be your girlfriend?

  Charlie Eppes : It's, uh, it's against the rules.

  Alan Eppes : Well, screw the rules. What's more important, learning or love? Well, I'm sure there's no rule against the father of her thesis advisor asking her out.

  Charlie Eppes : Go for it, go right ahead, be my guest.

  Amita Ramanujan : Thank you. Actually, I'm spoken for, Mr. Eppes.

  Alan Eppes : Oh, really?

  Amita Ramanujan : Back in Madras, my parents arranged for marriage to a family friend, a nice Hindu banker from Goa.

  Charlie Eppes : Really? Getting married?

  Amita Ramanujan : God, no, he's a total ass.

  Alan Eppes : Oh.

  Charlie Eppes : Dad, you're, like, hovering over us, and we have so much work to do.

  Alan Eppes : I thought you already helped your brother out on this case.

  Charlie Eppes : Something this complex needed to be checked and rechecked.

  Alan Eppes : There's one thing you and your brother have in common: On some things, you're both very thorough; other stuff, you completely miss.

• Alan Eppes : Ah, I'm just a little nervous.

  Terry Lake : Don't worry-everything looks wonderful. In fact, your son could learn a few things from you. Know where we went on our first date?

  Don Eppes : All right, all right, all right, all right.

  Terry Lake : The laundromat. Dinner was pizza.

  Don Eppes : A little professionalism...

  Alan Eppes : You don't say... How interesting.

• Alan Eppes : Yeah, yeah, sure. I need you to come to dinner... at the house, on Wednesday. I have a date.

  Don Eppes : Oh yeah? A date? Hey, well, that's good. With who?

  Alan Eppes : Well, it's someone Art knows from yoga. Yeah, her name's Jill. He says she's smart, she's funny, and, uh, quite flexible. So, I, I, eh, I, wh-, we're having dinner at the house, and I would like you to be there.

  Don Eppes : Hey, look, hey. No. Just take her somewhere low-key, you'll do fine.

  Alan Eppes : Look, it's my first date in over thirty-five years; I would like memorable instead of low-key.

  Don Eppes : Low-key and memorable aren't mutually exclusive. You know what my favorite date ever was? Pepperoni pizza at a laundromat.

  Alan Eppes : Yes, which explains the conspicuous absence of grandchildren. So, Wednesday, 7:30. Bring a date?

• [Charlie and Alan are golfing and Charlie tries to hit the ball, but misses] 

  Alan Eppes : That was better.

  Charlie Eppes : What?

  Alan Eppes : It was! You almost hit the ball.

  Charlie Eppes : You know, I'm the king at basketball, I-I-I can snowboard, I'm the best at video games, I'm even getting over my fear of rock climbing. But I still, I can't hit this little white ball.

• Don Eppes : Dad, sorry, we gotta go.

  Alan Eppes : Sure, right. Couldn't get any worse.

  Don Eppes : Listen: alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

  Alan Eppes : For who?

• Alan Eppes : Checkmate.

  Don Eppes : Checkmate.

  Charlie Eppes : Oh, yeah, I see. You guys are ganging up on me, huh? You did that on purpose, that little distraction thing.