Blades of Glory (2007)

Will Ferrell: Chazz Michael Michaels

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Jimmy : So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.

  Coach : Oh, really?

  Chazz : We're gonna dance to one song, and one song only: "Lady Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas. "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'm a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps."

  Jimmy : [disgusted]  I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means.

  Chazz : No one knows what it means, but it's provocative...

  Jimmy : No, it's not, it's gross...

  Chazz : ...It gets the people going!

• Jimmy : I don't share rooms!

  Chazz : I don't share SHIT!

  [pause] 

  Chazz : The night is a very dark time for me...

  Jimmy : [to Chazz]  It's dark for everyone, moron!

  Chazz : Not for Alaskans or dudes with night vision goggles!

• Jimmy : I see you got FAT!

  Chazz : I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot!

• Chazz : Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.

• Jimmy : They're laughing at us.

  Chazz : Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.

• Chazz : Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause you've officially given me a boner!

• Bryce : Are you drunk?

  Chazz : No, but this oughta do it

  [smashes open a bottle of liquor and drinks] 

  Bryce : I'd fire you... if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there.

  [pause] 

  Bryce : You smell like urine.

  Chazz : A lot?

• Jimmy : Get out of my face.

  Chazz : I'll get inside your face.

• Chazz : Personal philosophy? Clothing optional.

• Chazz : [to Jimmy's voice mail]  If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me...

• Chazz : We love you Denver! City by the Bay!

• Coach : You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 dollar hookers?

  Chazz : I am NEVER satisfied! It's a curse.

• [In front of enormous "Capture The Dream" sign] 

  Chazz : Let's capture the dream.

  Jimmy : Capture the-wow I love it. Where'd you come up with that?

  Chazz : I have no idea where I came up with that.

  Jimmy : Cool.

  Chazz : Let's kick some ice.

• Chazz : Mind-bottling, isn't it?

  Jimmy : Did you just say mind-bottling?

  Chazz : Yeah, mind-bottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?

• Chazz : No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more then I love this brush.

• Chazz : [while trying to cut off the rope tied on his feet using one of his skate blades]  Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole!

• Chazz : I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear. It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

• Chazz : She's as cold as the ice she skates on. She's like dry ice. No, wait! She's colder than that. What's colder than dry ice?

  Jimmy : I don't know

  Chazz : I'll tell you what is, Oksana.

• Chazz : I don't want to close my eyes, don't want to fall asleep cause I miss you Jimmy, and I don't wanna miss a thing.

• Chazz : Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail all you want, but don't even look at the Verticoli...

• Jimmy : You ruined my dreams!

  Chazz : Dreams? Shit, I haven't had one of those in years.

  Jimmy : Zip it Chazz, just zip it, or I'll punch you in your crap-lousy face!

  Chazz : Hey, this ends tonight!

  Jimmy : It's daytime, you douche!

• Chazz : [while Jimmy is giving a speech]  That's retarded

• Chazz : And that's why I was a sex addict because no one ever loved me, but I learned something here today, that ice it doesn't belong in here

  [pointing to heart] 

  Chazz : it belongs out there, out on the ice, in an ice rink. I never had a father okay, but I don't care because now I've got a brother

  [grabs Jimmy] 

  Chazz : , this is my brother

  [grabs Katie] 

  Chazz : and this is my brothers new girlfriend and she is not a whore. I'm in a lot of pain I think I'm gonna barf.

  Jimmy : Chazz, Chazz they gotta get you to a hospital.

  Chazz : What, no and miss the smell of sweet gold not on your life.

• Chazz : I think I see the Virgin Mary!

  Jimmy : No, that's not her.

• Chazz : Ahh, my nutsack!

• Chazz : Don't make me kill her!

• Chazz : [shoots fire out of his fingers at end of performance] 

  Jimmy : Was the fire really necessary?

  Chazz : Ask THEM.

• Chazz : [Referring to his program]  I hope you've brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.

  Jimmy : That was disgusting.

  Chazz : THAT, young man, is how babies are made.

• Chazz : Hey, MacElroy, was that your routine or a performance of Cirque de So Lame? Besides, you're too late; they already handed out the girls' medals this morning.

  Jimmy : Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.

  Chazz : I was on quaaludes, I don't even REMEMBER Oslo.

• Chazz : [backstage at "Grublets On Ice"]  I hate my life.

• Chazz : [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"]  Hey! Hey, you little forest creatures! None of you sons of bitches try to be heroes!

  Chazz : [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"]  I just threw up in here, people. That's the reality. Just another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion! In fact, we all a... Ugh, encore!

  [begins throwing up again] 

• Chazz : Two men skating? That's a riot. A laugh riot.

  Coach : I don't see what's so funny.

  Chazz : If you were as drunk as me, you would.

• Chazz : The night is a very dark time for me.

  Jimmy : It's dark for everyone, moron!

  Chazz : Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.

• Chazz : I see you have learned to work the Google on the internet machine.

• Jimmy : Watch my icy hot super slide.

  Chazz : Do it.

• Chazz : So, how'd it go with your lady? Carve up any ice... with your weiner?

• Chazz : I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women.

• Chazz : I permanently call shotgun.

  Jimmy : You do not get shotgun every time!

• [Chazz and Jimmy have just seen the decapitation caused by the Iron Lotus on video] 

  Coach : [confidently]  Okay, so what do you say? Let's try an Iron Lotus.

  Chazz : Are you nuts?

  Jimmy : Wha...? We can't do that!

  Coach : C'mon. What are you talking about? Look, after all these years, I know what went wrong. The physics were off; it was a man and a woman. That's why it didn't work. You're two men... you should be fine.

• Chazz : [referring to his program]  Eat THAT, MacElroy.

  Jimmy : Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied!

  Chazz : You're high!

• Chazz : You're living in the past, Sammi. Me and the Woodland Fairies, we're living in the HERE and NOW.

• Chazz : [while attempting the Iron Lotus]  I swear to God, if you cut my head off...

• Coach : What do you guys have that all other teams don't have?

  Chazz : Twin dongs?

• Chazz : It makes my hair shine like Orion's Belt out on the ice.

• Chazz : Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy *are* figure skating.

  [shouts and raises left arm] 

  Chazz : Boom!

• Chazz : But I remember Boston, and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named.

• Chazz : Get that damn bird out of my face before I break its neck.

• Chazz : Throw me some chicken.

• Chazz : [while performing in Grublets on Ice]  Hey, everyone! This is Gary the squirrel! Now, listen up, Gary's been a long time friend. We've been skating for... two and a half years. i remember when we were hanging out near a bus stop in Tucson, He said "Hey, I've got a third ball"

  [Chazz pukes in his wizard mask] 

  Chazz : I just threw up in here people!

• Chazz : Thank you Denver, The City by the Bay John Denver.

• Chazz : [Leaving a voice mail message]  Hey, Jimmy. Hey, it's me, Chazz. Look, what happened back there - so not a big deal. Just think of it as, like a, boob handshake - between me and your lady's boob. Look, that's not coming out right, I'll explain it. Call me back! Please, it's me, Chazz.

• Female Sex Addict/Rinkside Nurse : [Chazz, injured, hobbles off the rink]  Are you okay? I'm gonna have to cut your pants off

  Chazz : Start up near the crotch. Its a better access point.

• Chazz : This guy could not hold my jock sweat.

  Jimmy : I could hold it all day long, try me!

  Chazz : Maybe I will.

  Jimmy : Maybe you should.

  Chazz : You challenging me, princess?

  Jimmy : I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's annual Christmas party.

  Chazz : Then bring it on!

  Jimmy : It is on!

• Coach : You're the girl.

  Jimmy : What?

  Chazz : You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.

  Jimmy : Wait, why?

  Coach : Because you whine like one!

  [turns to Chazz] 

  Coach : And no one can lift your fat ass, you're on a diet starting now.

• Chazz : [the crowd is booing and throwing garbage onto the ice]  Oh, bring it on! Let it rain down on me!

• Chazz : Better step aside homeschool, there's a new Sheriff in town.

• Chazz : What're you, the rug doctor?

  Jimmy : Maybe I am.

  Chazz : Well, I'm the rug MASTER.

  Jimmy : What does that even mean?

• Jimmy : [Jimmy walks in on Chazz and Katie getting intimate]  Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend!

  Chazz : This isn't what it looks like.

  [Grabs Katie's breast] 

  Jimmy : Impure! Impure!

  [Runs out of the room] 

  Katie Van Waldenberg : Jimmy, wait!

  Chazz : Brother man!

• Chazz : [a the Figure Skating Association hearing]  Maxim Magazine, last issue: "Chazz Michael Michaels IS figure skating!" BOOM!

• Chazz : You know what dude, your hand has to be on top.

  Jimmy : No way, the girl's goes on top.

  Chazz : Yeah, ergo, chick.

  Jimmy : I'm not the girl, I'm stronger!

  Chazz : No, I'M stronger, and don't have a vagina.

• Jimmy : I call top.

  Chazz : Sorry, I already called it in my head...

  Jimmy : No, you can't do that, that doesn't count.

  Chazz : Yes it does.

• Chazz : I am never satisfied! It's a curse...

• Jimmy : This ice has not been properly Zamboned! Where's the warm-down room?

  Coach : We don't have any of that. What we've got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.

  Chazz : Nice choice, Coach.

  Coach : Turned out well.

• [last lines] 

  Chazz : Let's get outta here.

  Jimmy : Now?

  Chazz : Yeah.

• Chazz : We're going to Montreal bitch!

• Chazz : You're welcome Stockholm!

• Jimmy : Who's that?

  Chazz : You mean Katie van Waldenberg?

  Jimmy : She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?

  Chazz : Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.

• Chazz : You know this is how I rolled when you met me.

  Sam : No, when I met you, you were a great figure skater. Now you're just getting stoned with the Woodland Fairies.

• Chazz : SNOWBALL!