The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Marge Simpson : Homer, you have to go out there, face that mob, and apologize for what you did.

Homer Simpson : I would, but I'm afraid if I open the door, they'll take all of you!

Carl : No we won't. We just want Homer!

Homer Simpson : Well, maybe not you, but they'll kill Grandpa!

Grampa : I'm part of the mob!

NSA Worker : Hey everybody, I found one! The government actually found someone we're looking for! YEAH, BABY, YEAH!

Homer Simpson : [after being trapped in the dome] D'OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHME!

Bart Simpson : [blushing] Did you at least bring my clothes?

Homer Simpson : Shirt, socks, everything you need.

Bart Simpson : [covering up privates] You didn't bring my pants!

Homer Simpson : Who am I, Tommy Bahama?

Bart Simpson : [face is completely red, sobs] Oh, this is the worst day of my life.

Homer Simpson : The worst day of your life so far.

Bart Simpson : You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.

Homer Simpson : What kind of fun?

Bart Simpson : How bout a dare contest?

Homer Simpson : That sounds fun. I dare you to... climb the T.V. antennae.

Bart Simpson : [Bart climbs it easily] Piece of cake.

Homer Simpson : [starts shaking the antennae] Earthquake!

[Bart falls off and hangs onto the railing]

Homer Simpson : [starts shaking the railing] Aftershock!

Ned Flanders : Uh, Homer, I don't mean to be a nervis-pervis or anything, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-a-rino?

Homer Simpson : Shut up, Flanders!

Bart Simpson : Yeah, shut up, Flanders!

Homer Simpson : Well said, boy.

[about the Itchy and Scratchy movie in the cinema hall]

Homer Simpson : I can't believe we're paying to see something we get on TV for free! If you ask me, everybody in this theater is a giant sucker! Especially you!

[points to us]

[Bart claps]

Lisa Simpson : What are you doing, Bart?

Bart Simpson : Eh, just passing the time.

[Bart claps, snow repeatedly falls on Homer]

Homer Simpson : Aw, my boy loves Alaska so much, he's applauding it. Lisa, why aren't you clapping?

Lisa Simpson : But Dad!

Homer Simpson : [sternly] Clap for Alaska!

[Lisa claps along with Bart]

Homer Simpson : [Homer is buried under an avalanche]

Homer Simpson : Okay, son. You have only one chance to throw that bomb through the hole.

Bart Simpson : Dad, in case I don't make it, I'm sorry I said I wish you weren't my dad.

Homer Simpson : I don't blame you, son. I've never been that good of a father. Maybe it all starts with the way my father raised me. Yes, it's all clear to me. It's all just been one long, unbroken chain of...

Marge Simpson : Somebody throw the goddamn bomb!

[Homer is whipping the dogs pulling his sled]

Homer Simpson : Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!

Homer Simpson : [the dogs jump over a cliff] Jump! Jump!

Homer Simpson : [the dogs land on the other side] Land! Land!

Homer Simpson : [still whipping the dogs as they take a breather] Rest! Rest!

Homer Simpson : [the dogs pull the sled again] Run! Run!

Homer Simpson : [Homer sets up camp and begins removing the dog muzzles] Okay, I know we've had a rough day, but I'm sure we can put that all behind us and...

Homer Simpson : [the dogs start attacking Homer, causing him to scream in pain] AGH! Not my whipping arm!

Homer Simpson : [the dogs leave Homer stranded] Why does everything I whip leave me?

Russ Cargill : [levels a shotgun at Homer and Bart]

Russ Cargill : Hello, Homer.

Homer Simpson : So, we meet at last, whoever you are.

Russ Cargill : There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun, I'm going to do both right now.

Bart Simpson : Wait! But if you kill my dad, you'll never know where the treasure is buried!

Russ Cargill : What treasure?

Bart Simpson : Uhm, the treasure of Ima Wiener.

Russ Cargill : I'm a wiener?

[Homer and Bart laugh]

Homer Simpson : Classic!

Russ Cargill : Well, always leave them laughing. Goodbye, sir.

[Cargill aims the shotgun, right as he is about to fire a boulder falls on him KOing him, the camera pans up to show Maggie]

Homer Simpson : Maggie! What a great little accident you turned out to be!

[Maggie winks and does a hand gun at Homer]

Ned Flanders : The Good Lord is telling me to confess to something...

Homer Simpson : [whispering hopefully, with his fingers crossed] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...

Homer Simpson : Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?

Marge Simpson : Actually, it's aged me horribly.

Marge Simpson : [to Lisa] Honey, that's great. But the very best thing is that he listens to you. Because nothing means more than for a man to...

[looks up in surprise]

Marge Simpson : How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?

[cuts to Homer holding a pig to the ceiling]

Homer Simpson : [singing Tune to Spider-Man Theme Song] Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig. / Does whatever a Spider-Pig does. / Can he swing / from a web? / No he *can't*, / He's a pig. / Look out! / He is the Spider-Pig!

Homer Simpson : Listen to me! All of you! We are staying! We have a great life here in Alaska, and we're never going back to America again!

[Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day sings "da-da-da" to the final part of the Simpsons tune, following his teleprompter]

Billie Joe Armstrong : Alright, well thanks a lot for coming. We've been playing for three and a half hours, now we'd like just a minute of your time to say something about the environment.

[there is a deathly silence, followed by huge boos from the Springfieldians. They start throwing things at Green Day]

Barney Gumble : Preachy!

Billie Joe Armstrong : We're not being preachy!

Tre Cool : But the pollution in your lake - it's dissolving our barge!

[Moe is sitting in a deck chair. Lisa is standing next to him]

Lisa Simpson : I thought they touched on a vital issue.

Moe : I beg to differ.

[He throws a rock at the stage, which penetrates the bass drum and hits Frank in the crotch]

Tre Cool : Oh.

Mike Dirnt : Gentlemen, it's been an honour playing with you tonight.

[Green Day put down their instruments and bring out violins as the barge sinks. Lisa looks on woefully]

Bart Simpson : Look what I did to *your* picture!

[Bart holds up a picture of Homer, on which he has drawn Flanders-style hair, glasses and a mustache]

Homer Simpson : [screams]

Bart Simpson : Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily!

Homer Simpson : Why you little...!

[Homer begins strangling Bart]

Homer Simpson : I'll strangle-angle you!

Toll Booth Man : Welcome to Alaska. Here's a thousand dollars.

Homer Simpson : Well, it's about time! But why?

Toll Booth Man : We pay every resident a thousand dollars to allow the oil companies to ravage our state's natural beauty.

Homer Simpson : [hugs toll booth man] I'm home!

EPA Official : S-sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power...

Russ Cargill : Of course I have. You ever tried going mad without power? It's boring. No one listens to you!

Homer Simpson : A lot of people worked hard on this film, and all they ask is for you to memorize their names.

Homer Simpson : All right, boy. Time for the ultimate dare. I dare you to skateboard to Krusty Burger... and back... *naked*.

Bart Simpson : How naked?

Homer Simpson : Fourth base.

Bart Simpson : But girls might see my doodle.

Homer Simpson : Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you "chicken for life". Every morning you'll wake up to "Good morning chicken!" At your wedding, I'll sing...

Homer Simpson : [clucks the wedding march] Buck-buck-bu-buck!

Homer Simpson : [Pig nudges the plank the Simpsons are using to escape] No, Plopper. If you push that, daddy will die.

Pig : [looks at Homer and pushes plank] Oink.

Homer Simpson : He's not Spider-Pig anymore, he's Harry Plopper.

Homer Simpson : That could be anybody's Pig Crap silo.

[on TV, the cops rotate the silo to reveal "Return to Homer Simpson - No Reward"]

Homer Simpson : So, who wants waffles?

Bart Simpson , Grampa , Lisa Simpson : I do! I do! I do!

Marge Simpson : What about Grampa?

Bart Simpson : I want syrup!

Lisa Simpson : I want strawberries!

Marge Simpson : Shouldn't we be concerned about what happened in church?

Homer Simpson : I'll tell you what happened. A certain someone had a senior moment, but that's okay, because we love him anyway, and we got a free rug out of it.

[Kisses Grampa on the forehead]

Marge Simpson : What's the point of going to church every Sunday if when someone we love has a genuine religious experience we ignore it? Right, Grampa?

Grampa : I want bananas on my waffles.

Homer Simpson : I rest my case.

Homer Simpson : I'll let you hold the bomb...

Bart Simpson : The man knows me!

Squeaky-Voiced Teen : [during the end credits, mopping up the theater floor] Assistant Manager isn't all it's cracked up to be. Four years of film school for this?

Russ Cargill : Springfield has become...

Man : Woooo! Springfield!

Russ Cargill : ...the most polluted city in the history of the planet.

Krusty the Clown : Drama queen!

Homer Simpson : Okay, epiphany, epiphany... oh I know! Bananas are an excellent source of potassium!

[gets slapped]

Homer Simpson : Ow! Uh, America will never embrace soccer.

[gets slapped]

Homer Simpson : More than two shakes and it's playing with yourself?

Girl on Phone : You hang up first.

Boy on Phone : No, you hang up first.

Girl on Phone : Okay.

[hangs up]

Boy on Phone : What the-? She hung up on me!

Marge Simpson : Homer, in every marriage you get one chance to say, "I need you to do this with me."

Homer Simpson : That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Marge Simpson : [observing a silo marked "Pig Crap"] Ugh... it's leaking!

Homer Simpson : It's not leaking, it's overflowing!

Marge Simpson : He filled up the whole silo in two days?

Homer Simpson : Well I helped.

Mayor Quimby : I hereby declare a state of emergency: Code Black.

Lenny : Black? That's the worst color there is.

[Lenny turns to Carl, his black friend]

Lenny : No offense there, Carl.

Carl : I get it all the time.

Mayor Quimby : To make sure this wall is completely idiot-proof... Cletus!

Cletus : Yes'um?

Mayor Quimby : Try to dump something in the lake.

Cletus : Okay.

[tries to go to the lake to dump a possum but keeps hitting the wall]

Cletus : I can't. I - I simply can't.

Lisa Simpson : You monster! You monster!

Homer Simpson : Uh, did you see the news?

Panicky Man : [as the dome is being lowered] Oh, what do I do? I don't know what to do! 'Cause if I stay I'm trapped. If I leave I'm alone. Oh God. In! Out! In! Out! I never saw Venice!

[is crushed by edge of dome]

[car tyres screech to a halt outside. The Simpsons' silhouettes as the family make their way to the church door. Their conversation can also be heard]

Marge Simpson : I hate being late!

Homer Simpson : Well I hate going. Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way, by praying like hell on my death bed.

Marge Simpson : Homer, they can hear you inside!

Homer Simpson : Relax! Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phoney-baloney God!

[the family enter the church to total silence and angry looks. They make their way to their pew]

Homer Simpson : How ya doin'? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus.

Bart Simpson : Boy, you made it! But how?

Santa's Little Helper : [subtitled] I did things no dog should. They will haunt me forever.

Bart Simpson : I love you too.

Grampa : [as Springfield is being sealed in the dome] That crazy old man in church was right!

Homer Simpson : D'oh!

Homer Simpson : [while choking Bart for laughing at him] I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!

Homer Simpson : Stay back, I've got a chain saw!

[fakes chainsaw sounds vocally]

[Moe sports a bathrobe and a traffic cone on his head]

Marge Simpson : Why are you dressed like that?

Moe : Well, I don't like to brag, but I am now the Emperor of Springfield.

Barney Gumble : No, you're not!

[throws Molotov cocktail at Moe]

Moe : Yes, I am!

[Moe throws it back and it explodes]

Barney Gumble : Okay. Hail Emperor.

Grampa : Homer? What are you doing now?

Homer Simpson : Risking my life to save people I hate for reasons I don't quite understand. Gotta go!

[Homer and Bart are at a table. We see an interior shot of Homer's mouth as he eats. Bart is angry]

Homer Simpson : Hey, what's with you?

Bart Simpson : You really wanna know?

Homer Simpson : Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about

[sees something]

Homer Simpson : a pig wearing a hat!

[Krusty the Clown is filming a commercial]

Director : Action!

Krusty the Clown : Hey hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!

[He laughs and then takes a bite of the sandwich]

Krusty the Clown : Mmm!

Director : And... we're clear.

[Krusty spits out the sandwich]

Krusty the Clown : Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.

[a saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror]

Homer Simpson : [gasps] What? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!

[the pig runs across to Homer, giving him a forlorn look. To the tune of 'Happy Together', Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field. He picks up the pig]

Homer Simpson : You're coming home with me.

Bart Simpson : [drunkenly] Mom?

Marge Simpson : Yes honey?

Bart Simpson : You just bought another load of crap from the world's fattest fertilizer salesman.

Homer Simpson : You'll pay for ruining the golden family moment!

Marge Simpson : Homer!

Bart Simpson : How are we supposed to get to Alaska without any money?

Homer Simpson : Alright, son. If you don't believe me, believe in America!

Krusty the Clown : If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!

Krusty the Clown : Perfect. Cut. Print. Kill the pig.

Homer Simpson : What... you can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!

Marge Simpson : [grimacing at the overflowing 'Pig Crap' silo] He filled up the whole silo in just two days?

Homer Simpson : [proudly] Well, I helped.

Homer Simpson : Marge!

[runs to her, hits head in tree branch]

Homer Simpson : It's the epiphitree! I tried my best, what am I supposed to do?

[wind blows leaf so that it points to hole over dome]

Homer Simpson : But how am I supposed to get there?

[light shaft shines on motorcycle]

Homer Simpson : Oh!

[slips a dollar bill on a hole in the tree]

Homer Simpson : Here, buy yourself something nice.

Lisa Simpson : Our crisis level will be here.

Lenny : That's not so bad.

Lisa Simpson : No, this forklift is messed up.

[the forklift goes crazy until it is back to normal]

Lisa Simpson : Am I getting through to anyone?

Krusty the Clown : Hell yeah, we need a new one of those things!

Homer Simpson : I'm happy here. Screw Springfield!

Marge Simpson : [gasps] I can't believe you'd say something so selfish.

Homer Simpson : Marge, those people chased us with pitchforks and torches. TORCHES! At four in the afternoon!

Marge Simpson : It was 7 at night.

Homer Simpson : It was during Access Hollywood.

Marge Simpson : Which is on at 4 and 7.

Homer Simpson : D'oh!

Homer Simpson : Marge, in every marriage you get one chance to say, "I need you to do this with me."

[holds out hand]

Homer Simpson : And there's only one answer when somebody says that.

Marge Simpson : Wait! There's something I have to get!

[Runs into house, unlocks "Keepsake Cabinet", grabs tape, washes dirty dish, and races out, mere steps ahead of fireball]

Homer Simpson : [Marge gets back into car] What'd you get?

Marge Simpson : Our wedding video.

Homer Simpson : We have a wedding video?

Homer Simpson : [noticing a glow] Uh, what's that ominous glow in the distance?

Angry Mob : [wielding torches] Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill...

Homer Simpson : [looking out the window] Marge, look! Those idiots don't even know where we *live*!

Angry Mob : [looking round, seeing Homer] Kill, kill, kill, kill...

Homer Simpson : D'oh!

Marge Simpson : Okay, here it goes. Homer, I've always stood up for you. When people point out your flaws, I always say, "Well, sometimes you have to stand back to appreciate a work of art."

Homer Simpson : Way back.

Marge Simpson : Lately, what's keeping us together is my ability to overlook everything you do. And I overlook these things because...

Homer Simpson : Because?

Marge Simpson : Well, that's the thing. I just don't know how to finish that sentence anymore. So I'm leaving with the kids to help Springfield, and we're never coming back. And to prove to myself that this is the end... I taped this over our wedding video. Good-bye, Homie.

Homer Simpson : [flipping frantically through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!

Marge Simpson : Mmmm, best kiss of my life.

Homer Simpson : Best kiss of your life, so far.

Marge Simpson : Homer, it was you! You single-handedly killed the entire town!

Homer Simpson : I know, it's *weird!*

Bart Simpson : Let us out! Let us out!

EPA Official : Stop that! You'll scratch your shackles!

Bart Simpson : I hope I do!

[rubs shackles on cage, a gas then enters the truck]

Lisa Simpson : Oh way to go Bart!

Bart Simpson : [drugged] You stink.

Lisa Simpson : [even more drugged] No you stink.

[they both pass out]

Homer Simpson : [talking to himself while trudging through the snow] Must keep going. Must keep going. No I can't! Yes, you can. No I can't. Yes you can. Oh, shut up! *You* shut up! No, you! No, you! Oh, real mature! Oh, what's the point?

[falls into the snow]

Marge Simpson : "A thousand eyes." What could that mean?

Grampa : Hmm. I'm pretty sure a thousand... is a number.

Barney Gumble : Honey, I'm home.

Homer Simpson : Thank you, boob lady!

Grampa : [shouting from church floor] Twisted Tail... A thousand eyes... Trapped forever!

Homer Simpson : Homer do good?

Bart Simpson : Actually, you've doomed us all. Again.

Marge Simpson : [Springfield has just been encased in a glass dome] EPA! It's all come true.

Grampa : [about himself] That crazy old man in church was right.

Homer Simpson : [after having an epiphany] That was the most incredible experience of my life! And now, to find my family, save my town, and drop ten pounds!

Homer Simpson : [to Pig] Maybe *we* should kiss, just to break the tension.

Homer Simpson : [about the pig] Aw, you're gonna love him! Look, he does an impression of you!

[Homer pulls the pig's tail, causing it to bray like a donkey]

Homer Simpson : [laughing] You nailed her. He also does me.

[Homer squeezes the pig's stomach, causing it to burp; Marge giggles]

Homer Simpson : You smiled! I'm off the hook!

Homer Simpson : Now Homer Simpson's gonna show he has cajones!

Bart Simpson : Dad!

Homer Simpson : What seems to be the problem, officers?

Bart Simpson : Tell them you dared me to do it!

Chief Wiggum : If that's true, then you should be taking the rap here, not your son.

Homer Simpson : And what happens to me if it's my fault?

Chief Wiggum : You'll have to attend a one hour parenting class.

Homer Simpson : It was all his idea! He's out of control I tell ya! Oh, I'm at my wit's end!

Marge Simpson : Homer, please get rid of that pig.

Homer Simpson : Oh you're gonna love him. Look he does an impression of you.

[Homer squeezes the pigs belly causing it to make a loud squeeling sound]

Homer Simpson : Nailed her!

[silence]

Homer Simpson : He also does me

[squeezes the pig again, causing it to burp]

Homer Simpson : .

Marge Simpson : [laughs]

Homer Simpson : You smiled! I'm off the hook.

Homer Simpson : I dunno what to tell you, Marge! I don't think about things. I respect people who do, but... I just try to make the days not hurt until I get to crawl in next you again.

Homer Simpson : [in a noose the angry mob set up] The word "apology" is tossed around a lot these days, but when it comes from in here...

[Homer motions towards his heart, prompting someone to throw a buzzsaw at him]

Homer Simpson : D'OH!

Homer Simpson : [gets up to leave and stops in the aisle] Ooh, floor popcorn!

[picks a pile of popcorn up off the floor and begins to eat it]

Medicine Woman : Homer Simpson. do you know why you are here?

Homer Simpson : because my family cares more about other people then they do about me.

Medicine Woman : drink this liquid.

Homer Simpson : AHHHhHHHHHHHH more please.

Medicine Woman : now we will cleanse you spirit my the ancient Inuit art of throat singing.

Homer Simpson : throat singing?

Medicine Woman : AAAA OOO OOO OOO AAAA

Homer Simpson : hoooo ahhh hoo ah hoo ah

Homer Simpson : how long we doing this?

Medicine Woman : until you. have an epiphany.

Homer Simpson : ok?

Medicine Woman : OOOOOOOHHHH OOOHHH OOHHH

Homer Simpson : whats an epiphany?

Medicine Woman : sudden realizing, of great truth.

Homer Simpson : ok.

Homer Simpson : Well, Marge, we're separated from the kids by a wall of snow. All of our dreams are coming true.

Homer Simpson : I've always been afraid I'd screw up our lives so bad that I've had to come up with a back-up plan. And that plan is right here!

[Pulls out wallet; takes out Monopoly "Get Out Of Jail Free" card]

Homer Simpson : No.

[Takes out photo of Michael Jordan with his face taped over it]

Homer Simpson : No.

[Takes out folded piece of paper]

Homer Simpson : Bingo!

[Unfolds paper; it takes a long time]

Homer Simpson : Bear with me.

[finally unfolds paper, a huge poster of Alaska with the tagline "A Fresh Start"]

Lisa Simpson : Alaska?

Homer Simpson : Alaska! Where you can't be too fat or too drunk. When no one says things like "Let's see your high school equivalency certificate."

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