Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories (2005 Video Game)

Lazlow: Lazlow Jones, Imaging (Rise FM), Commercial

Quotes 

• Lazlow Jones : What? Oh! Hey, welcome to Chatterbox with me, Lazlow, and you, the good citizens of this town. Now you know the format on this show. You call me up, you complain and we agree that the world is terrible and retarded and there's nothing we can do about it and we, uh, listen to some commercials.

• Lenny : [Razor noise in the background]  Uh, yeah, uh Hello?

  Lazlow Jones : Yes, hello, You're on Chatterbox. Eh, what's that noise?

  Lenny : Uh, my names Lenny and I wanna talk about shaving.

  Lazlow Jones : Ok, what's the trouble? You got a weird rash?

  Lenny : Uh, um, there's no trouble. I just can't stop.

  Lazlow Jones : Ugh, WHAT?

  Lenny : I love it. I realized something really important.

  Lazlow Jones : Oh, God...

  Lenny : If you shave downstairs it looks a lot bigger. If you remove the brush, the tree looks massive!

  Lazlow Jones : What are you talking about?

  Lenny : Yeah man! Now I don't have to get surgery down there! I thought I would just share that with a few people. Come on Lazlow, don't tell me you haven't thought about it.

  Lazlow Jones : Where do you get ideas like this?

  Lenny : Like, my mom said-uh...

  Lazlow Jones : All right. This shows going great! All right, this is Chatterbox. Whatever's on your mind. However big or small, just give me a call. Line 3...

  Lenny : If you shave downstairs it looks a lot bigger.

  Lazlow Jones : [Whimpering]  Go away, PLEASE stop calling this show!

• Lazlow Jones : Hello, this is Chatterbox. Please be a normal human being...

  Caller : Lazlow, your show sucks!

  Lazlow Jones : Dude your going to get no argument from me. Today's show is rubbish! What do you want to talk about?

  Caller : Why can't I eat people?

  Lazlow Jones : Okay, who says you can't? What, are you a socialist or something?

  Caller : TALK MORE ABOUT EATING PEOPLE!

  Lazlow Jones : Next caller!

• Vlad : Hi, my name is Vlad. I am a first time caller.

  Lazlow Jones : Oh don't tell me, you're a vampire. Ooh I'm scared. What's wrong with you people? Your music is horrible! Turn on a light! Get some sun!

  Vlad : No, I'm a underwear model. Why do you insult me? Is this typical in your country? You-Your show is terrible!

  Lazlow Jones : Ugh, dude, really I'm sorry, really. I'm having a really bad show.

  Vlad : That's ok. Just saying, no biggie. Unlike me, Massive! Huge! Shaved or unshaved, its like baby's arm. This is why I model the underwear.

  Lazlow Jones : Enough! Enough with the personal size of the grooming or the shaving or the growing of the thing. Let's talk about politics or public safety or Dormitron Bondagers! Or something interesting! What's wrong with this town? You're sick! You know this rubbish never happened to me back in the 80's. The 90's are crap! Do you agree, Line 1?

  7 Year Old Girl : How should I know? I'm seven.

  Lazlow Jones : You are?

  7 Year Old Girl : Yeah, I'm a big fan of yours. Yeah, when I grow up, I wanna be a witty radio host with a made-up name.

  Lazlow Jones : Aren't you a little young to be listening to this show?

  7 Year Old Girl : No, my mom lets me listen all day because she works real hard and needs long baths.

  Lazlow Jones : Why's that?

  7 Year Old Girl : I don't know. After her tennis lessons, she's always screaming about what a dirty girl she is.

  Lazlow Jones : Heh, okay.

  7 Year Old Girl : Lazlow, do you know what "Fuck me harder" means?

  Lazlow Jones : Wh-Whoa-ho, uh, dude, don't drop the f-bomb. Uh, yeah, I mean, of course I know what that means.

  7 Year Old Girl : I thought so. I knew I learned it from somewhere. I thought so. My mom heard me say it, and I wasn't sure if it was something I heard her tennis coach say, or if it was something you said on the radio. I said it was probably you.

  Lazlow Jones : Hey it wasn't me! This is a show sanitized for your entertainment.

  7 Year Old Girl : So, now your being sued. For a hundred and fifty million! You're going to be on welfare, Ha Ha!

  Lazlow Jones : Gee, thanks.

  7 Year Old Girl : I LOVE YOU LAZLOW!