- Carol Burnett: [introducing Lucille Ball] I would like to present a woman who has dazzled the world with her charm and talent, who has conquered every phase of show business, who is the first lady of television, and who wrote this introduction.
- Carol Burnett: [as Alice, shouting] Jack the Ripper! John Dillinger! Machine Gun Kelly!
- Lucille Ball: [as Rita] How did they get into this?
- Carol Burnett: [as Alice] Oh, they're just some of the others who were rejected by their aunts when they were eight months old.
- Lucille Ball: [as Emily] They expect to make this picture for three million. They're shooting in Panavision. They've got a six week shooting schedule. Two weeks on location in Utah. If they bring this picture in for a penny less than five million four then I know nothing about show business!
- Lucille Ball: [as Emily] Are you still going around with that doorman from the Paramount?
- Carol Burnett: [as Evelyn] Ralph and I are engaged.
- Lucille Ball: [as Emily] Oh, brother!
- Carol Burnett: [as Evelyn] I know you don't approve of him.
- Lucille Ball: [as Emily] It's not him, Evelyn. But you know how I feel about show business marriages. Just don't come crying to me when your careers clash.
- Carol Burnett: [as Evelyn] It's a lucky thing we work at night. If anyone here ever heard us talking about our big deals they'd drop a net on us and cart us away to the palace for peculiars.