The Bad Boys of Saturday Night Live (1998 TV Special)

Roseanne Barr: Self

Quotes 

• [about Dick Clark's secretary] 

  Roseanne : This guy gets under your skin like a chigger.

  Dick Clark's Secretary : I heard that.

  Roseanne : Good!

• Roseanne : Hi, I'm here to see Dick.

  Dick Clark's Secretary : Okay, and you are...?

  Roseanne : Are you kidding me?

  Dick Clark's Secretary : No, ma'am.

  Roseanne : Does the name "Roseanne Arnold" ring a bell?

  Dick Clark's Secretary : Okay, and he would know you from...?

  Roseanne : Maybe from what happens to be my own show, which is like number one in the Nielsens!

  Dick Clark's Secretary : Right, now is that like some sort of contest or...?

  Roseanne : Are you seriously this stupid? I have my own TV show, you know, like Bill Cosby.

  Dick Clark's Secretary : Right. And he is...?

  Roseanne : A TV star, like me.

  Dick Clark's Secretary : TV...

  Roseanne : Yeah, TV! A TV where an electron gun sends electron particles out gray tube and they travel over the airwaves through a satellite then back down to earth in an electronic box that unscrambles them so people can sit and stare at them?

  Dick Clark's Secretary : I'm no stranger to sarcasm.

  Roseanne : Listen, Peewee! Forty million people see me every Tuesday night!

  Dick Clark's Secretary : I only watch PBS, you'll have to forgive me. I'm sure you're very talented. Now if you could just have a seat over there...

  Roseanne : Don't you talk down to me, you little tick! I'll send you back on that mangy dog's ass you jumped off of!

  Dick Clark's Secretary : Well... using that tone won't get you in any faster. If I were you, I'd have a seat and wait my turn. Now do you need a parking validation or

  Roseanne : No!

  [Takes a seat, and starts to light a cigarette] 

  Dick Clark's Secretary : Would you be a dove and not smoke? Thanks.