The Bad Boys of Saturday Night Live (1998 TV Special)

David Spade: Self, Various Characters

Quotes 

• Cindy : Mmm, these fries are good.

  [Shoves handfuls in mouth] 

  Cindy : Can I have some? These are good!

  Lucy : Cindy, could you leave some for us?

  Christy : Cindy, I thought you were supposed to, um, lose weight.

  Cindy : LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!

• Cindy : That reminds me, I have a joke: I heard Michael Jackson went shopping at K-Mart because there was a sale! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  Christy : You messed it up, dumbbell! He went shopping at K-Mart because he heard little boys' pants were half off.

• [about Dick Clark's secretary] 

  Roseanne : This guy gets under your skin like a chigger.

  Dick Clark's Secretary : I heard that.

  Roseanne : Good!

• Roseanne : Hi, I'm here to see Dick.

  Dick Clark's Secretary : Okay, and you are...?

  Roseanne : Are you kidding me?

  Dick Clark's Secretary : No, ma'am.

  Roseanne : Does the name "Roseanne Arnold" ring a bell?

  Dick Clark's Secretary : Okay, and he would know you from...?

  Roseanne : Maybe from what happens to be my own show, which is like number one in the Nielsens!

  Dick Clark's Secretary : Right, now is that like some sort of contest or...?

  Roseanne : Are you seriously this stupid? I have my own TV show, you know, like Bill Cosby.

  Dick Clark's Secretary : Right. And he is...?

  Roseanne : A TV star, like me.

  Dick Clark's Secretary : TV...

  Roseanne : Yeah, TV! A TV where an electron gun sends electron particles out gray tube and they travel over the airwaves through a satellite then back down to earth in an electronic box that unscrambles them so people can sit and stare at them?

  Dick Clark's Secretary : I'm no stranger to sarcasm.

  Roseanne : Listen, Peewee! Forty million people see me every Tuesday night!

  Dick Clark's Secretary : I only watch PBS, you'll have to forgive me. I'm sure you're very talented. Now if you could just have a seat over there...

  Roseanne : Don't you talk down to me, you little tick! I'll send you back on that mangy dog's ass you jumped off of!

  Dick Clark's Secretary : Well... using that tone won't get you in any faster. If I were you, I'd have a seat and wait my turn. Now do you need a parking validation or

  Roseanne : No!

  [Takes a seat, and starts to light a cigarette] 

  Dick Clark's Secretary : Would you be a dove and not smoke? Thanks.

• [David Spade and Sean Penn discuss tattoos] 

  David Spade : Now one with the Chinese symbol, what's that one mean?

  Sean Penn : Not tellin' ya.

  David Spade : Montel Williams?

• David Spade : You remember where you were when JFK was assassinated?

  Sean Penn : I was three.

  David Spade : Okay, you remember where you were when WAM broke up?

  Sean Penn : I don't know, I was crying.

• David Spade : Did you see that talking pig movie?

  Sean Penn : No.

  David Spade : You didn't see The Net?

• David Spade : Michael Bolton, big star, popular musician, guess what? You're bald and we all know it. I don't care how long you grow your hair in the back but we all know what's happening on top. I know you sold nine million albums but guess what? I don't know anyone who's got one.

• David Spade : Latoya Jackson. Latoya, out of all the Jackson's, how screwed up do you have to be to be known as the crazy one?

• David Spade : Steve Martin. What about Leap of Faith? I was going to see it but I was sick that day.

• David Spade : Well I finally sat through The Bodyguard and: Iiiiiiiii-eee-iiiiiii-want my money back!

• David Spade : Macaulay Culkin. Hi. First of all, your dad's nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something kid, you're cute, you got blonde hair, everyone loves you, it's true. Here's the catch: I used to look exactly like you when I was 10. Oh yeah. This is where you're headed, buddy, welcome to hell!

• Sean Penn : What do you, me, and Mickey Rourke all have in common?

  David Spade : We're all cool?

  Sean Penn : No, we all have tattoos.

  David Spade : But I don't have a tattoo.

• David Spade : Katie Couric has this tattoo.

  [points to a large, gruesome-looking tattoo] 

  David Spade : Don't wanna be twinsies!