Batman (TV Series)

Fine Feathered Finks (1966)

Burgess Meredith: The Penguin

Photos 

Quotes 

• The Penguin : Oh, great heavenly sunshades. I have it! It's a fantastical scheme. It's hatched, full blown. U-Day. U for Umbrella day. What a dazzling plot!

• Sparrow : Maybe I'm dumb, Penguin, but I don't dig this caper.

  The Penguin : Oh, it's very simple, my little gosling. I'm going to unleash the most bizarre, senseless barrage of umbrellas onto Gotham City. It'll be senseless to everybody but the Batman, whose keen mind will unquestionably piece together the clues to my crime.

  Sparrow : But what crime? What the heck are you plannin'?

  The Penguin : Nothing.

  Sparrow : Nothing?

  Hawkeye : Nothing? What do you mean "nothing"?

  The Penguin : I am planning nothing. The Batman's going to do that for me. The Batman's not only going to pick my crime, he is going to provide me with a blueprint as to how I should pull it off.

  Hawkeye : Penguin, are you sure you haven't gone stir-crazy?

  The Penguin : Why, you birdbrain.

  [conking him on the head with an umbrella rod] 

  The Penguin : How dare you mock me on the eve of my greatest triumph?

  Sparrow : Do you really mean that Batman is gonna plan our caper?

  The Penguin : Yes, my fine feathered finks. Mm, it's just a little plot that I hatched in prison. You wait and see. The Batman and the Penguin are going to be partners in plunder.

• The Penguin : How irritating! Here I am, due to be released tomorrow, and I still haven't worked out one single crime worthy of my talents! My whole stay in this disgusting prison is wasted.

  Cellmate : Yeah, well, that's the way it bounces, Penguin. Some years are just a blank spot out of a guy's life. Hey, wait a minute. My mother-in-law, she owns a candy store. You could always knock that over if you wanna.

  The Penguin : [incredulous]  What? A candy store? I am an aristocrat of crookery, my dear man! No, I must devise something royal, unsuspected, sensational! A caper that will make that Batman blow his brains out!

  Cellmate : Yeah, that Batman. He sure is some kind of pest, ain't he? Say, do you ever stop to think, Penguin, if only the Batman was a crook instead of a law guy. Boy, oh, boy, we'd turn this world inside out!

  The Penguin : What did you say?

  Cellmate : Oh, I was just thinkin' out loud, Penguin. I said, "If only the Batman was like us, a crook."

• The Penguin : Good day, sir. Can I help you, sir?

  Bruce Wayne : I hope so, Mr. Bird.

  The Penguin : Mm-hmm.

  Bruce Wayne : I'm looking for an artisan to repair this fine old umbrella. It belonged to my late father.

  The Penguin : [inspecting it]  Ah, it's quality goods. I can tell at a glance. Just let me study it for a moment, please.

  Bruce Wayne : Oh, please, by all means.

  The Penguin : Yes.

  [as Bruce tries to plant an electronic bug, an alarm goes off] 

  The Penguin : [trapping him in a net]  Well, it's fortunate that I equipped my shop with an automatic anti-bugging machine!

  [he sprays knockout gas in Bruce's face] 

  Sparrow : Who is he, boss?

  The Penguin : I have no idea. Some rival umbrella king, perhaps, trying to steal my precious secrets. It's a clear case of industrial espionage. Why, the wretched, blundering fool! This. Enh!

  [smashing the bug] 

  The Penguin : But whoever he is, one thing is certain: I can't afford to have him snooping around here today, today of all days, when I'm about to deal Batman his greatest blow.

  Hawkeye : The river, boss?

  The Penguin : No, no. The furnace. The tempering furnace, where we forge the umbrella ribs. Take him away, my fine feathered finks, and arrange a fatal accident... without witnesses.

• Batman : What's the plot, Penguin?

  The Penguin : Ah! The Dynamic Duo! Such distinguished customers! May I show you my humble wares?

  Batman : We're not here to buy umbrellas and you know it.

  Robin : Spread your wings, Mr. K.G. Bird. We're flying you down to headquarters.

  The Penguin : On what charge, Boy Wonder?

  Robin : Illegal umbrellas!

  Batman : Assault and battery, disturbing the peace. We've got enough to put you back on ice, Penguin.

  The Penguin : Oh, tut, tut, Batman. I only *make* the umbrellas. What they do after they leave here is hardly my affair, now, is it?

  Batman : [turning to speak with Robin privately]  A tricky little creature. He's right.

  Robin : Darn it, not a thing to hold him on.

  Batman : Yet.

  The Penguin : Beg your pardon? Were you saying something?

  Batman : You've outsmarted us this time, Penguin, but don't get too confident. We know you're up to some super crime and we're going to watch you.